Yeah, you got me in the groove now.
Beware the groove.
WRONG LEVER, KRONK. Why do you even have that lever? You thought you were serving up some poison for Kuzco, but all you’re showing the world is that I’ve turned into the GOAT. You’re still Frozen into the mindset that got you to the finals, but if you don’t Let It Go, you’re gonna catch Olaf these hands. You think I’m the Lyin’ King, but you’d better Be Prepared before your Pride Lands you with a bunch of new Scars. You were the best when you were A-Lad-In your prime, but it’s A Whole New World out there, and you have dared to disturb my slumber. Sorry, I know these references are coming out of left field, but after what happened at ICONIC, I know you have a soft spot for DisKnee.
THESE ROASTS RATED “G” FOR GENERAL AUDIENCES.
Just acknowledging that I’m fucking your wife doesn’t make you less of a cuck when you spend two promos jerking off to it. I’m the big black dick wrecking the birth canal of your career, and you’re out here cracking jokes about jiu-jitsu instructors and hockey jerseys? Cool story, but I’m still taking off the condom and making you clean up the mess when I’m done.
Call it a magnum, because I’m firing five shots.
Call it Russian Roulette, cause you keep shooting blanks.
I can’t believe you had the audacity to tell me you weren’t stupid, and then immediatley began murder smashing your face against the fourth wall. People don’t fawn over me like I invented the written word, Dan, they fawn over my because I fucking perfected it. Subscribe to my OnlyFawns and shut the fuck up, because it’s time that we delved into the premium content– I’m not gonna dunk on you for reacting to me, Dan, I’m gonna dunk on you for doing it poorly.
Oh Mike Best needs everyone’s approval and imports his self esteem.
You have a bunch of illegitimate children in many states.
Did this storyline in 2012. It was so-so.
Katy is gonna leave you for a jiu-jitsu instructor.
You spent a whole paragraph on this joke. Oof.
You could spend all your money on Letterkenny cameos for your side piece.
Huh? Oh, was this a weird inside joke that Lee isn’t gonna get, written just to pop a couple of people in a shitty side Discord? So glad that you’re taking yet another HOW PPV main event seriously, Dan, it’s fucking wild that you’ve literally never won a single one of them, huh?
Why don’t you love me, Jenn-ay?
I’ll help you out, Dan. Guys, Katy is based vaguely on a girl I know named Jenny. This joke is meant to make me go “Oh, Dan Ryan is very clever”, and scores no points, because the straws that he is grasping at are so awkward and far apart that I’ve nicknamed them “Dan’s Eyebrows”.
JOKES ABOUT DAZ3D.
Let’s see. Jokes about meeting girls on Reddit and falling in love. In-jokes about my dead mom and a stepfather I don’t canonically have. Jokes about hygiene and dental health that sound like they apply to wrestling fans from South Carolina than to the greatest wrestler in HOW history. Who the fuck do you think you’re wrestling, Dan? Do you think we’re in a Bob Evans right now? Are you still waiting for your food? Do you have ACTUAL DEMENTIA, or did you get so up in your feelings about a couple of jokes that hit too close to home that you wasted TWO MORE PROMOS that have achieved you precisely dick? Oh, and sorry about your shitty dead callback to the shitty dead Cecilworth joke– if you wanna obsess about things we stopped doing in 2020, focus on “letting Dan Ryan hold titles”.
You’re right, Dan.
There’s no Atomic Bomb coming.
I don’t have a warhead to drop on you, and I don’t need one. I fucked off through every round of this tournament to make it to you, and I’m not going to beat you with a nuke. I’m gonna beat you because I am unequivocally, undisputedly, overwhelmingly better at this than you are. A better wrestler. A better trash talker. A better human being. You spent two promos building up to the admission that you’re second best, then you proudly dropped the mic. And enjoy that moment.
It’s the only Mike you’ve dropped in HOW.