Have you ever been so stressed that even the thought of eating your problems away doesn’t make you feel better? Normally, even the thought of going balls deep on a vat of ice cream will bring a smile to my face.
This time, no amount of ice cream can budge the look of abject horror from my face, as I find myself sitting in a lobby, surrounded by people in suits and ties. I catch the sly side eye people keep throwing me, but I can’t pay them any heed, as the thought of being jobless in the next 4 days overwhelms me.
“Uhm, Mister Bobby Dean?” a very attractive woman calls out to the room. No one stands up, causing her to repeat the name. Suddenly I realize that *I* am Mister Bobby Dean, and awkwardly climb to my feet, leaving the Highlights magazine in my empty seat, I still have yet to finish one of those Spot the Differences!
“Follow… me…” the woman says, unable to hide her confusion as she looks me up from head to toe, back to head, back to toe. “Right this… way.”
I follow along, trying to plaster a friendly smile on my face, but must admit, seeing myself in the reflective glass along the halls it comes off as more of a look of consternation. If I’m honest, it looks like I’m constipated and am seconds away from finally being able to squeeze one out. But how can I not look worried? My days of being in High Octane are numbered.
It’s like the giant ball in New York Square on New Years, ever so slowly dropping. The timer ticking down, one second after another.
“Here you are sirs, ma’ams, Mister Bobby Dean to see you,” the woman, I didn’t catch the name of, calls out to the room at hand.
I stop in my tracks, seeing a massive oak table, assuming it’s oak as I’m not an expert on wood… There are around 20 or so chairs surrounded said table, with each chair filled with a man or woman wearing a black three piece suit.
*Not to self. Ask Management for a high enough raise to own a blue three piece suit.*
“Helloooooo!?” I awkwardly call out while waving overly dramatically.
“Uhm…” One of the suits calls out, as each and every person in the room looks at me in a way they’ve never looked at another human being before. “Welcome to M&M World.”
M&M World for those that don’t know, is the M&M Headquarters, located in London. You may be thinking ole Bobby Dean is here to tour one of the Top 5 best candy makers in the world. But you’d be mistaken.
“So, please, first tell us why we should hire you?” one of the suits calls out snidely, clearly with zero intentions of hiring me. “And secondly, could you please explain your get up?”
I look down, self conscientious, as I stand before them in my robe, wrestling tights, with knee pads and boots. I shuffle awkwardly, playing with the end of the loose velvet belt rope around my waist.
“Well, uhm, you see.” I stammer out, causing some people sigh in frustration. “I love your treats.”
“Clearly,” some one mutters, causing some at the table to snicker.
“If I had to pick my Top 3, I’d say the Peanut Butter M&M would be first. Followed by the Fudge M&M, and then the regular M&Ms.” I answered, as if that should warrant me a spot in the company.
“Right, so why should we hire you?” the first suit calls out again. “I mean, are you wanting a job in Quality Control? Because if so, that doesn’t mean you can taste test the product…”
“No, no, I mean, uh, I would love to be your taste tester, but no.” I bungle my way through. “Look, I’m about to lose my job. My boss will more than likely leave me stranded here in London rather than fire me back in the states. He’s sick and twisted like that. So, I figure, why not try and line up my next job, BEFORE, I lose my current job.” I smile as if that is the smartest plan I’ve ever concocted.
“Right,” one of the other suits calls out, drawing out the word, obnoxiously. “What are your skills?”
“Well, I’m an expert on candies.” I answer, ticking off one finger. “I’m a people person, everyone loves working with me! I’m very organized, but only if I’m the one looking for whatever it is you want me to find. I don’t take too many bathroom breaks, 17 is normal right? I’m hard working, diligent, and I never give up until the job is done.” At this point, sweat is simply pouring out from my hairline down my forehead. If I was a little boy made out of wood, my nose would have been 22 feet long!
Needless to say, I was escorted out of the building shortly after that! The bright side being, I was able to snatch 4 bags of various M&M flavors on my way out. The down side being, I stuffed them in my tights to hide, so when I finally made it back to my taxi they were melted…
“Onto Hope & Greenwood!” I call out to the taxi man with a mouth full of M&Ms.
What a day of failures.
Story of my life ‘eh?
I went from M&M World to Hope & Greenwood; then on to SugarSin, followed by Dark Sugars. Finally made my way to Hardy Sweets, then on down to Hoxton Street Monster Supplies. I was heading towards Charbonnel et Walker before I simply gave up.
“Fuck it.” I call out, seated in the back of the taxi cab, who is simply idling on the side of the road, awaiting further instructions. “Can you just take me to the O2 Arena, please?”
Heading towards the arena I can’t help but wonder, what in the world am I going to do now.
I envy you Solex, I really do.
I wish I had thought of the whole split personality thing before you did. I mean, can you imagine? You mean to tell me, I can blame all my bad decisions on the “others.” The times I’ve sexually harassed Lindsay Troy, oh that wasn’t me, that was “Sean Biter,” he can’t help himself, his mom was abusive, much like LT. Plus, it’s kind of LT’s fault, she keeps telling me to call her “Mom.” How was I supposed to know that wasn’t a kink thing? I keep telling her to call me “Daddy” and she just facepalms me into a wall.
All those times I’ve annoyed Lee!? Oh sorry Lee, that wasn’t me that created that petition, that was “Dr. Desolation, DMD.” He has a thing for justice and order, he just couldn’t handle being blamed for destroying the Daily Top 5 for no apparent reason. Honestly, I think he has a problem with authority figures, but me? I love authority figures! I love watching people get put in their place!
And let’s not talk about all those times I’ve flaked in the past! It wasn’t me, Bobby Dean, it was “Rogan Liar”, he’s so unreliable, the skamp. No, no, you can trust “Beautiful” Bobby Dean, he hasn’t missed a single booking!
No, you really might be onto something here. Forget that #1 Dad schtick, you could really get some mileage out of these guys. Just think about it. All the meals you could eat, I mean each personality needs to eat right? All the ladies you could score? Every time you lose a match you have a ready made excuse, just pass the blame on to one of them!
“Come on people, I’m not 7-14, Bobby Dean is 7-0 baby! Those “other” guys are the guys who keep losing! They keep taking the light from me, and next thing I know I’m waking up on my back and Hortega is holding some other dude’s hand victoriously in the air!”
Yeeeeeeah, man, I really must thank you Steve, or Shawn, or Logan, or whoever the fuck you “are” at this moment in time. Oh shit… I guess I can’t use this schtick now, everyone will know I’m just faking it! Then again, odds are no one will see this anyway, eh? I can just play dumb, and claim someone else did it for me, that apparently is a thing nowadays.
Sadly, every time I ask someone to wrestle my match for me, they tell me to fuck off.
Anywho, back to you Steve. I gotta say, I’m glad you and I agree that this is my swan song. I mean, you act like I don’t know what is riding on this match. Like I wasn’t the one to say just how important this match is going to be for me in the first place. Does an original thought reside in that gray space between your ears, or do you simply regurgitate what others say and pass it off as your own?
I am not looking forward to this match with you Solex. Regardless of the outcome, I am not going to enjoy it. Not for one second. Not because I like you, and don’t want to hurt you, no. I fucking hate you, and find myself dreaming of punching you in the mustache covered mouth. No, I’m not going to like this match because I realize just how much effort I’m going to have to put forth.
I’m inherently lazy. You wanna talk about ‘Merica, nothing is more American than “Beautiful” Bobby Dean! I’m obese, lazy, and want as much money for as little work as possible! You may have eagles perched on your outstretched arms, I’ve got pigeons on mine! ‘Merica!
We’ve been working little short matches week after week, and NOW Steve picks a Last Man Standing match!? Have you not realized, I’m like a cockroach at this point? But one of those mammoth fuckers with wings, every time you try to stomp on me I fly at your face! You think you’re going to walk into the O2 Arena and simply put me on my ass, as simple as that!? No, no, no, if you’re gonna win against me, I’m gonna make you earn it bud!
As much as I hate the thought of actually putting forth the effort, I think I hate the idea of losing to you more!
I’m the class clown of High Octane, the one that cuts up and rarely finishes the assignments. The one that does so badly the teacher has to grade on a curve. I make all of you look better than you are because I’m the guy you count out as an easy win. But maybe, just maybe, I’ll surprise you, and WHAM, you’ve now got to explain to your friends and family, HOW DID YOU LOSE TO BOBBY DEAN!?!?!
Buddy. I’ve got news for you. You’ve been tainted by “Beautiful” Bobby Dean. Heck, you’d make a good Bandit at this point. You’re now a lost toy like the rest of us. Lost and soon to be forgotten. The other guys used to be something special, too. Doozer used to be the most reliable guy you could meet. Just ask him about his days in DREAM! He’ll tell you! Then he got sucked into my void and now it’s 50/50 on whether or not he cares enough to put down the Watermelon Mojito and lace up his wrestling boots.
Jiles? Oh man, Jiles was fan-fucking-tastic! The look, the talk, the swag. But then he listened to my fat lips whispering in his ear just long enough, and suddenly he’s chucking eGGs at people. Walking around with a cardboard cutout of Dan Ryan tucked under his arm. Losing every title imaginable to Hollywood and Zion…
However, the second he drops the Bandits and joins the BA, he’s got a World title strapped to his waist, without a Zion or Hollywood in sight! Smooth sailing!
I’m (not) sorry to say, but you’ve been caught in the vortex that is me for the last several weeks, and you fail to see that now you don’t matter. Might as well put your face on a milk carton bud because after ICONIC no one will see Steve Solex again! You were a someone Steve, and now, after getting tied up with me, you are a nobody, just like me. You’ll be jerking the curtain while the audience is stocking up on their Bud Lights and their ketchup covered weiner dogs.
Oh well, you had a good run, eh pal? Maybe it’s time people start forgetting aboutcha.