Jatt of No Trades

Jatt of No Trades

Posted on September 30, 2022 at 8:28 pm by Jatt Starr

Friends!  Romans!  Cunty Men!   Lend me your ears!!!!


I stand here, atop the castle that the Champion of Jattanooga built!   Yes, it may have been named for the HOW founder, Lee Best, however it was built on the hardwork….the blood….the sweat….the tears of the Duke of Jattmandu!   I carried this company on my back during the so-called Golden Era of HOW.   


That is poppycock!   The early days of the HOW should be known as the “Jattinum Era”.   I won championship after championship.  I was the biggest star in the world!   Since day one, the HOW gods FINGERED the Sovereign of Starrgentina as their chosen one!


And yet, my contributions of that era are suspiciously omitted from the official HOW website!   Where are the archives of the “Tournament of Champions”?   Where’s the tally of how long I held the HOW World Championship during that reign?   The Ruler of Jattlantis should be deemed as the longest reigning HOW Championship in it’s twenty year history!    


For the record, I held the HOW World Title for a total of three hundred ninety-seven days!


Not that the Jattlantic City Idol is bitter.   It is important to the Mayor of ManJattan that the younger generation is aware of the blasphemous lies that the Board and Lee Best has spread for the sake of nepotism!   This diabolical plot to put the Baron of Boca Jatton down was done to elevate and inflate the ego of one Michael Best. 


Again, not bitter.  Just informative.   Call me the Encyclopedia Jattanica.    


Why does the Maharaja of Buenos Starries feel the need to educate you, the masses?


Because you deserve the truth!   You deserve to see the deceit that is placed before you!   We all know that you cannot see what is right in front of you without someone explicitly showing you!




…..more importantly…..


Because one cannot escape their past, they can only learn from it.


The Jattvian Prince is transcendent!   The Five Starr General is not some Lee Best lackey!   The Marquis of MadagaStarr has transcended such trivial labels as gender identity!  Neither male!  Neither female!  Just ALL JATT, baby!  


The Jatti Master has transcended the need for poisons in his body such as alcohol, drugs, and high fructose corn syrup!


Christopher America says that the Rembrandt of Wrestling is desperate?????


You bet your sweet ass the Rembrandt of Wrestling is desperate!


Christopher America, three War Game victories or not, he is Mike Best Lite!   He is just as cocky, just as obnoxious, just as smarmy, and almost as dangerous!   


Christopher America…..more like Pisstopher America!   He is just a cheesy moustache short of looking like Captain Freedom from “The Running Man”!   And he was the biggest wuss of the “Stalkers”.  


This metamorphosis means absolutely nothing unless the Grand Overlord of Jatturn can defeat Christopher America and reclaim the HOW Championship!   Words mean nothing!  Telling you all that America’s reign of hypocrisy is over is just hyperbolic hogwash unless the Baron of Boca Jatton actually follows through.


This isn’t about relevance as some people would have you believe!   The relevance is there!   The Professor of Sparrowdynamics defeated Stronk to  become the LSD Champion!   


No, this is about the only thing that matters…..










The Czar of Starrmenia’s agent has made excellent points on the subject and will continue to work to get his eight and a half percent.   That is, unless, one doddering little codger would be so kind as to lift the fine that he and that the balderdash Board has levied against the Ambassador of AmStarr-dam!    


Well, my loyal fanbase, we know that is not going to happen…..






….just maybe….


The Sultan of SeaJattle is once again the HOW Champion! 


After all, we all must come together and help support Gilda Starr and her mounting medical bills.   The Starrkansas Senator had to sell numerous collectibles including his authentic “Star Trek”, the Original Series, phaser signed by the legendary Mister Spock himself, Leonard Nimoy.   


Healthcare is no joke, people! 


In fact, the CEO of StarrSek Industries has developed an eight point plan to topple America and once again become the World Champ!    Number one, and this is the most important step…..




::::The scene cuts to two young men in their early twenties.  Rod, a former collegiate athlete, wide receiver at Notre Dame who blew out his knee and ended his athletic career.   Rico, a partier.  Good looking, he walks with a swagger, he just oozes confidence.   Both men stand in front of the Best Arena.   They see a figure standing on the roof, waving his arms up and down.   Rod looks quizzically at Rico.::::


ROD:  What’s that guy doing?


RICO:  Fuck if I know.


ROD:  Is he, like, trying to talk to us?


RICO:  Fuck if I know.


ROD:  Maybe he’s yelling at God.


RICO:  Fuck if I know.


ROD:  He’s not talking to anyone down here, right?   He would know no one can hear him, right?


RICO:  Fuck if I know.


ROD:  Oh!  Yo!  YO!  YO!  What if he’s gonna fall off the roof?


::::Rico’s eyes grow wide and both men look at each other.::::


RICO:  That would be SICK!


ROD:  We’d get so many “Likes”!


::::Rico and Rod immediately pull out their phones and begin filming the Ruler of Jattlantis standing on the ledge of the roof of the Best Arena.  They look through their screens, licking their lips perversely hoping and wishing they catch a rather gory and grotesque moment for prosperity (and the sickos that get off on this kind of disturbing footage).:::::




….and the Archduke of Starrbados knows what you’re thinking.   Yeah, it is possible that Wizztopher Scamerica could easily see through that ruse and you may be right, I may be crazy, but it is because he would expect it is why the plan works.  With this single shot, the chances America soils his shorts increases by three-point-six percent.   Now, this would possibly leave us open to the Test….




::::The scene cuts back to the parking lot of the Best Arena where Rod and Rico continue to hold their phones up to the sky.   A woman in her forties, Mildred, approaches and looks at the two men filming Jatt Starr and then looks at the HOW Hall of Famer’s silhouette on the roof.  He is pacing back and forth on the edge.::::


MILDRED:  What’s going on?


ROD:  We think that dude is gonna slip and take a header onto the ground.


RICO:   It’s gonna be SICK!


MILDRED:  That’s horrible!  Who is it?


RICO:  Fuck if I know.


::::Mildred looks up at the figure pacing, looking worried, as she lost her husband the same way — well, not exactly the same way.  The man could fall.   Her husband was pushed.  Accidentally.   On purpose.  By her.  And he was impaled on their iron fence.   Still, the image has stayed with her.   Could she be experiencing some form of PTSD relating to this incident as her hands start to shake?  As they look up in silence, several more random people show up to see what the hubbub is all about, looking towards the figure on the roof.:::::




….now, you might be wondering how the plot of “It Could Happen to You”, but just sit back and think about it.   


Do you get it?   




Which brings us to the fourth and final step to conquer that fopdoodle, Christopher America!   The Starrkham Savior calls it “Red Dawn” named after the nineteen eighty-eight classic film of the same name starring Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo.   Now, what correlates the two films?   One movie is about winning the lottery and the other is about Joe Piscopo playing a Russian cop teaming up with a Chicago cop to bring down a Russian drug dealer who turned one of them into a zombie or something, the King of Grapple from the Big Apple didn’t see it.   Well, this intricate scheme has a plethora of moving parts, many cogs in the machine, if you will.  Beginning with three strippers named Mandi, Candi, and Randi.  And no, Randi is not the nymphomaniac of the three.  Shockingly, it’s Candi since she’s currently going through menopause, but she probably does not want that getting out so just disregard that last…..




:::::The scene cuts back to the parking lot where the onlookers have not totaled seventeen.  Rod, Rico, Mildred, Stan, Jose, identical twins Justin and Justine who both surprisingly married someone named Kelly (not the same person, two different people with the same name), Best Arena maintenance worker Joe, Tyrone, Jasmine, Alabaster Jones, Nadia, and several others, each one hoping for a graphically violent end to the man standing on the roof.   Rico and Rod seem to be impatient as Rod’s arm begins shaking, the fatigue from holding his phone still for an extended period of time getting the better of him.   Mildred sees another smaller figure emerge on the roof.   Several of the looky-loos boo as they, rightfully so, ascertain that the shorter man is there to prevent disaster.:::::




::::The scene cuts to the roof where Jatt Starr is standing on the edge of the roof.  The HOW Hall of Famer is dressed in his black and red checked designer suit (what’s the difference between this suit and the other suit he usually dons?  A lighter, more comfortable fabric that feels smooth against his skin and about six hundred dollars).   Sal, his agent, is nervously shaking like he had spent the entire morning and early afternoon drinking espressos as he slowly approaches his client as if he were Chris Pratt approaching a Velociraptor.   Jatt Starr, mid sentence, turns to see his agent approaching.::::


JATT STARR:  Sal!  What’s up?  Did the Lemmon’s soup people get back to you?


SAL:  OH!   Jatt, baby, what’re you doin’?


JATT STARR:  Don’t call the New Starrleans Saint “baby”.


SAL:  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  What the fuck you doin’?


JATT STARR:  Addressing the adorning subjects of Jattlantis!   


SAL: They ain’t your fans!   They’re just some degenerate fucks hoping you plummet to your death!  


JATT STARR:   Noooooooo!


SAL:   Yeah!  They’re fucking jackals!


::::Jatt Starr looks over the side and sees the small crowd looking up at him.  The Jattinum Standard looks over at his agent with a furrowed brow, questioning his motives in trying to bring the Ruler of Jattlantis down.   The Professor of Sparrowdynamics looks down at the ant sized people looking up at him.   Doubt creeps in.  Is Sal right?  Sal’s a slimy bastard, but is he lying slimy bastard.


There is an element of truth to what he says.   The HOW fans are a bunch of jackals.  Where was their support after “Dead or Alive”?   Where were they when he was going through his psychosomatic period which turned out to be something called gross hematuria.   And yes, it was gross, but just a minor bladder infection.   Yet, the timing of it seemed suspicious.  Could someone who wanted Jatt Starr to believe himself to actually BE a woman have given it him to further some fiendish plot to secure superstardom?   The doctor said “no”, but maybe the doc was in on it.   


The truth is, Jatt Starr does not give a rat’s rectum.::::


SAL:  Just come on away from the ledge there….


JATT STARR:  We’re on a roof, not a ledge.  Technically.


SAL:  Be that as it were, move away from whatever the fuck it is.


JATT STARR:  Lemmon’s soup?


SAL:  They, uh, they said they’re going in a different direction.  But, but, BUT….I have interest from another sponsor….


JATT STARR:  It’s not adult diapers or anything like that is it?


SAL:  No, no.  What if I told you that a certain up-and-coming dating site wants you and Heidi as co-sponsors after hearing that you two met during their beta testing stage?


JATT STARR:  We met at an autograph signing.


SAL:  OOOOOORRRRRRRRR….you met during beta testing for “Middle-Aged-Courtship Dot-Com”.


JATT STARR:  That is the stupidest thing the Duke of Jattmandu has ever heard.


SAL:  They’re offering fifty grand for you and Heidi.  


JATT STARR:  Fifty thousand dollars?


SAL:  EACH.  That Heidi has a fucking baller agent.  Think she’s hiring?  Forget it, forget it!  Anyway, Heidi told Mitzi she’s in like Flynn.


JATT STARR:  Well, “Middle-Aged-Bang-Buddy-Dot-Com”—-


SAL:  WHOA!  That’s a completely different site.  It’s “Middle-Aged-Courtship Dot-Com”.


JATT STARR:  Whatever!  It’s the most briliantest thing the Sultan of SeaJattle has ever heard!


SAL:  That’s it, babe!  Here comes the—-


JATT STARR:  Don’t call the Thane of Starrkarth “babe”!


SAL:  “Babe” and “Baby” are out?


 ::::The Hero of Jattlanta nods his head.   Then Sal nods his head.  They begin nodding to each other.  One with emphatic 


SAL:  So, does Heidi know about what’s going on here?


JATT STARR:  Why should she?  Her career is getting a resurgence thanks to the Jatt!


SAL:  Maybe don’t, maybe don’t phrase it like that when you talk to her?


JATT STARR:  It won’t matter.  Sunday night, after the Starrcelona Icon decimates that fucking, shit eating, fribble, Christopher America, being the first person to make him pin or submit since his return, and, once again, becomes the HOW World Champion, Heidi will get the distinct privilege of taking a wild ride or three on the…chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga….Starrlite….choo choo….Sexpress!!!!


SAL:  Ehhhh….if you say so.


JATT STARR:  So, what’s this other direction that Lemmon’s wants to go in.


SAL:  Maybe later besides they fucking suck anyway.


::::Jatt Starr moves away from the ledge and towards the door leading to the stairwell as Sal lets out a sigh of relief.   As Jatt Starr opens the door into the fluorescently lit stairwell, an abundance of thoughts fill his mind.   Simon Sparrow’s humiliating loss against Tyler Best.   The demoralizing scumsuckery shown by Bobbinette Carey stealing the Jattinum Standard’s victory.   The fact that in the record books that it will, technically, show that the Starrabian Knight did beat Sektor and Christopher America.   The fact that Jatt Starr has, once again, the opportunity to become the Destroyer of Destinies….the Rembrandt of Wrestling did beat the undefeatable clunk, Stronk, against all odds.    If the Mayor of ManJattan can say one thing, it is this:  Never, EVER underestimate Jatt Fucking Starr.::::