::::SCENE: A cool, cloudy day in Havre, Montana. The sounds of leaves rustling in the wind can be heard. Standing in front of Plot A-7 in this relatively small cemetery is Jatt Starr. He stands over the grave donning a houndstooth overcoat, black Adidas sneakers with red stripes, khakis, an ill-fitting dress shirt black dress shirt and gold tie. The same black shirt and tie he wore at the funeral five years ago yesterday. He tosses the yellow lily he bought at Ms. Mimosa’s Botanical Blooms on Main Street.
Ms. Mimosa (“Mara” to her friends) had a standing order for a single lily every six months since the funeral. Mara, it should be noted, has refused the Thane of Starrkarth’s not-so-subtle advances. Mara was also a kind and caring person who would not outright say “no”. She would give multiple excuses as to why she would not go out with Jatt Starr….the most egregious being that she claimed to be allergic to coffee and yet, there was a Starbuck’s coffee cup right next to the cash register. That was six months ago and the Marquis of MadagaStarr got the hint, so he made no attempts at flattery nor did he ask her out. He picked up the flower and drove to the gravesite.
The King of Jatten Island stares at the white marble stone, one that is, from his estimation the seventh most expensive in the cemetery of forty-one.::::
JATT STARR: I know I don’t visit as much as I should.
:::The Baron of Boca Jatton suddenly feels awkward talking to this slab of stone. He starts looking around, self-conscious that someone might be watching him. Someone other than the Wabid Wabbit who is probably sitting in his 2016 Acura MDX listening to Patsy Cline or Billie Holliday. He turns his attention back to the gravesite.::::
JATT STARR: What is it that I am cursed with people leaving me? Sektor, Alea, Bethany, Lee Best, Gilda, although she came back, only to leave again after about a week to go to Sasquatch or some other podunk town in Canada. She’s a stunt person now if you can believe that. Working on a low budget horror film starring some guy who played a cop in like Leprechaun: Eleven or some crap. But hey, if that’s her passion, I’m all for it, right?
::::The Champion of Jattanooga clears his throat as a gust of wind hits him in the face like shattered glass. He begins doing up his overcoat.::::
JATT STARR: I don’t have many friends left, Bella. Even you left me. The bestest friend I ever had.
::::The Jattlantic City Idol sniffles a bit and pulls out his monogrammed handkerchief from pocket and rubs his nose. The handkerchief was a Christmas present four years ago from Mario Maurako. Jatt got him a Bulova watch and he got a monogrammed hanky with initials “M.M.” on it. When asked, Mario told him it stood for “My Man!” but Jatt has his doubts.:::::
JATT STARR: Not that it was your choice.
::::The Sovereign of Starrgentina looks away from the gravesite for a moment, pushing away the memory of holding Bella, gasping for air, bleeding out in the middle of the street.::::
JATT STARR: But that’s my lot in life, right? Am I destined to walk this path alone? This Saturday I am taking on Jace Parker Davidson. How do I define this relationship with him? Are we friends, pals, buddies, and comrades? Are we brothers or acquaintances? Or are we just two people with some superficial relationship built on tolerance and being thrown together in the Best Alliance? Yeah, I’d like to think we have a good relationship, but, at the same time, you don’t join the Best Alliance because you’re Sir Walter Raleigh. You join or you are announced because you are a cold blooded, badass individual. Like Boba Fett.
::::The Jattvian Prince puts his hands in his pockets. In his right pocket, he feels cold metal of his keys which he fidgets with as he continues.::::
JATT STARR: What can I say about him? I call him my “Friend” but has he ever reciprocated? Nope. Do you think people think I’m needy? Is that how I am being perceived? Or am I being too self-absorbed? He probably doesn’t give a rat’s rectum about our relationship. He’s the self-proclaimed King of Everything, the longest reigning HOTV Champion of all time, he has done everything an HOW wrestler can do without being a Hall of Famer. Maybe that’s what it is. I’m a Hall of Famer and he’s not. He refuses to accept me because I am a member of an exclusive club and he’s not! That petty little bastard! He thinks he can beat the Ruler of Jattlantis? He lost to Darin Zion! Hell, he couldn’t even beat the biggest bust in HOW history, Clay Byrd! He has got some—-
::::The Duke of Jattmandu stops mid-sentence. He takes a meditative breath as he feels himself start to get riled up. Getting emotional, allowing his anger to get the better of him cost the Starrabian Knight more than a few “falls” in his ICONIC Ironman match against Sektor.::::
JATT STARR: Clay Byrd doesn’t deserve this hate. Yeah, he refused to answer my texts, he constantly ignored me, he would not acknowledge my fandom. But getting slaughtered like that from Mike Best and Friend, no one deserves that. Perhaps that’s karma for not accepting me as his number one fan. Perhaps it’s just Mikey and his little pal being a couple of massive assholes.
::::The Grand Overlord of Jatturn lets out a sigh.::::
JATT STARR: I just want you to know that I’m trying. I know I have said it before and I know I have said “This time I mean it” before and there was never any follow through. But after getting blitzed that fateful night several years ago, the night that I hit rockbottom, the night that I hit you with my car, I made a vow to get sober and I did.
::::The tears begin to well up in the Jattsylvanian Count’s eyes as he remembers the details of that night. Jatt Starr downing a bottle of Jack Daniels in a single night. How dry his house was after finishing the bottle and how strong the urge was to get more booze. How Bella ran out and Jatt Starr didn’t even notice. He got into the car, turned the key, the sounds of “Only Wanna Be With You” by Hootie and the Blowfish blaring through the radio. He started to back out, putting his pedal to the metal and backed out like he was Mario Andretti and hit his little Maltese, Bella.
Jatt Starr opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He just stares at his dog’s tombstone with guilt and regret. He grieves in silence for what feels like an hour but was probably only for five minutes.
The Mayor of ManJattan finally turns and walks back to his car passing the graves of multiple pets — Rex, Cooper, Baxter, Millie, Cruella, and Joan. He sees the Wabid Wabbit sitting in the driver’s seat doing a crossword puzzle. He opens the backdoor and enters the car. The Wabid Wabbit turns down the sounds of Ella Fitzgerald’s “Someone to Watch Over Me”.::::
WABID WABBIT: You weady?
JATT STARR: Almost.
WABID WABBIT: This pwace cweeps me out.
JATT STARR: You saw that movie with Herman Munster one time!
WABID WABBIT: It’s was weawwy scawy. I don’t know why you just to don’t get anothah dog.
JATT STARR: You ignoratamous.
::::Jatt Starr glares at Wabid Wabbit like he just told him that the Rocky Horror Picture Show was a waste of time and Tim Curry was overrated. There is a part of the Jatti Master that wants to bash the Wabid Wabbit’s face into that steering wheel. After what Jatt Starr did to Bella, he cannot get another dog….he doesn’t deserve another dog. The Savior of Starrkham runs his hands through his blonde hair and lets out an angry grunt.::::
WABID WABBIT: Wemembah youah bweathing.
::::Jatt Starr narrows his eyes and purses his lips and gives the Wabid Wabbit a sarcastic nod.::::
WABID WABBIT: You weady yet? We have to catch anothah flight acwoss the pond.
JATT STARR: Yeah.
::::The Wabid Wabbit puts the vehicle in drive and starts heading out nearly hitting two gravestones causing Jatt Starr to wonder how he is able to see enough through the mask to drive.::::
WABID WABBIT: You have a plan for J-P-D?
JATT STARR: Not really.
WABID WABBIT: Ah you even pwepahed?
JATT STARR: Somewhat.
WABID WABBIT: You stiww wowwied about this whowe kawma thing? I wespect you wanting to change but you can’t wet this affect youah matches.
JATT STARR: It is better to conquer yourself than win a thousand battles.
::::The Hero of Jattlanta looks out the window as Wabid Wabbit makes a left turn. Jatt Starr’s eyes light up like a child on Christmas morning.::::
JATT STARR: TEENAGERS! SLOW DOWN AND ROLL MY WINDOW DOWN!
::::There are three teens walking away from the pet cemetery, two male, one female….one of the males wear a Dallas Cowboys coat and has a military style crew cut, the other young man wears a plain red parka and slouchy knitted cap, the young lady also wears a knitted cap, a heavy brown and cream flannel shirt and jeans. The Wabid Wabbit lets out a muffled sigh as he eases on the brakes and with his left hand hits the button to lower the rear passenger side window as Jatt Starr and picks up a paint gun which had been on the car floor. He pulls it up, points it towards the open window, aims, and begins firing….THOOMP! THOOMP! THOOMP! THOOMP! THOOMP!….he fires out the window at the trio of teens walking on the sidewalk away from the pet cemetery….hitting only the Dallas Cowboys fan….two shots, one to the shoulder and one to the back. The kid drops and the others, after the first hit seem not to notice, but after the second hit, they scatter like cockroaches when the lights come on in a dingy, condemned building.::::
JATT STARR: YES!!! I got one!!!!
WABID WABBIT: When teens vandawize youah pwopehty, look at this moment.
JATT STARR: What??? I’m doing them a service! These kids need to learn that the world can mess you up when you least expect it. It’s another life lesson provided by the Rolemodel of Rag-Starr-rok….nope, sounded better in my head.
::::The Wabid Wabbit rolls up the window with a push of the button as Jatt Starr puts the paint gun on the car floor, feeling a sense of satisfaction. After all, satisfaction is a far better emotion than grief. As much as he believes that he is showing these young rapscallions that world can be random and cruel which will serve them in becoming more cautious, perhaps even more unwilling to trust, he knows that it is this type of petty sadism is what he is trying to escape.::::
JATT STARR: As I was saying, when it comes to Jace, it’s not about hate. It’s all about love, Wabbit. How he reacts will tell me everything I need to know.
WABID WABBIT: How he weacts to what?
JATT STARR: The “I Was There When Jatt Starr Became Undefeated Against Clay Byrd” t-shirt. It’s wordy, I know and part of me thinks it’s in poor taste, but Jace might love it. AND a hug. Do you think fifteen seconds is long enough?
WABID WABBIT: I think it’s a bit excessive.
JATT STARR: You’re right, I’ll make it twenty seconds.
WABID WABBIT: I don’t think he would wecipwocate.
JATT STARR: I am not saying he would. I am only questioning whether or not he will react favorably or unfavorably. As they say “The most dangerous creature on earth is a fake friend.”
WABID WABBIT: Anothah wife wesson from Guwu Bustuh?
JATT STARR (admonishing): Buster is NOT a Guru. He’s a life coach!
WABID WABBIT: You ah making a mistake with this guy.
JATT STARR: Don’t be so cylindrical.
WABID WABBIT: I am not being “cynicaw”. I’m being weawistic. It sounds like a sham, paying money to some guy just teww you to be nice to othuhs is widicuwous to me.
JATT STARR: Weren’t you the one who said it doesn’t matter how you maintain sobriety as long you do it?
WABID WABBIT: That’s diffewent, but whatevah, I’m just youah sponsuh.
JATT STARR: Right now, you’re my underling and I could fire you for insubstantiation. But I won’t. Because I realize that you are threatened by Buster. You are not being replaced, I value you as my sponsor, but you also need to maintain your boundaries and understand that there is a time to be my AA sponsor and this is not one of them. Right now, I just need you to drive me from point A to point B, make my travel arrangements, and follow my directions as your boss.
WABIT WABBIT: Undahstood.
::::The Wabid Wabbit shuts his mouth and continues to drive, looking through the slits in his smiling bunny mask, knowing it is sometimes better for Jatt Starr to ride out whatever fad of the moment it may be. Since those teenage “hooligans” (as Jatt called them) egged and toilet papered his modest abode, his new kick has been “drive by paintballing” whenever convenient. Wabid Wabbit knows it’s only a matter of time before Jatt Starr gets bored of it or gets himself into trouble over it.:::::
JATT STARR: The Role Model of SwitzStarrland. The Rolemodel of Saudi Starrabia. Damn, there’s gotta be one….Jatthamas, Starrbados, Jattar….
::::The Starrcelona Icon looks out the window and continues to distract himself with attempts at a new nickname. As Buster says “sometimes you have to distract yourself from negative distractions”. So much conflict of what he wants to do versus what he has to do. He has to be better. But what if being better means losing his professional edge? What if being better makes him less of a competitor?
Then again, what has his professional success gotten him?
Clay Byrd legitimately won a match only to be taken down by Mike Best and Miscellaneous Friend.
Conor Fuse, a young man whose rise to the top was meteoric, now a depressing shell of a man after losing the HOW World Championship.
Darin Zion just sucks on so many levels, it’s rather depressing. It’s got to be worse for Meredith, who is clearly mentally disturbed, because she’s willingly with Zion.
The HOW is desperately in need of a role model.
And if the history of cinema has taught him anything, it’s that, for the most part, Kings are inherently evil…..like the Emperor in “Return of the Jedi’, Joaquin Phoenix in “Gladiator”, General Zod, Ming the Merciless, and Scar….they may be awesome, badass people or lions but they are evil.
And if there’s something else movies has taught him…..Ferris Bueller deserved that day off, don’t stay in the Bates Motel especially if you’re a blonde….and the good guy always topples the evil monarchy….it was the entire point of “The Princess Bride”.
The Starrabian Knight only hopes that he doesn’t lose a friend in the process (assuming he was a friend at all). END SCENE.::::