Italians Cannot Curl

Italians Cannot Curl

Posted on February 18, 2022 at 11:58 pm by Mario Maurako

*The scene opens up inside an event arena sporting several sections of the 150ft long strips of Curling ice. Down on the ice stands everyone’s favorite Italian, Mario Maurako, and his bff and Tag Team partner Ja- uh… Simon. Simon Sparrow!


The duo are decked out in matching Italian Flag outfits (tops and bottoms), and both are holding Curling Brooms and standing off to the side of the playing surface on the carpet. Ja- I mean Simon Sparrow is looking perplexed by the attire his partner has purchased for him.*


Simon Sparrow: Don’t get me wrong, this fits nice and all. But I’m not Italian.


Mario Maurako: Yeah, but I’m an expert in team psychology and a team that dresses the same, thinks the same.


Simon Sparrow: If you say so.


Mario Maurako: So.


Sparrow takes a step onto the iced surface and immediately starts thrashing around as he slips and tries to maintain his balance.


Mario Maurako: Is this your first time on the Ice?


Simon Sparrow: Is it that obvious?


*Sparrow no longer eeks the words out of his mouth and he tumbles hard down onto the ice.*


Mario Maurako: Call it a sneaking suspicion.


*Mario extends a hand and helps his buddy back up to his feet.*


Simon Sparrow: How is me falling down and breaking my hip supposed to help us prepare for Two Man Advantage?


Mario Maurako: Well that was a special bonus. I brought us out here because Curling is the greatest game on ice! It has everything you would want in a friendly exhibition between non-toxic people. It is like chess on ice. We have to work together to figure out the perfect strategy and communicate instructions to make sure we achieve success. All of the same elements that makes a successful tag team. Which we already are… but we are just in a minor slump.


Simon Sparrow: A minor slump that has us eliminated from the Maurako Cup Tournament.


*Mario gasps.*


Mario Maurako: Hey, it isn’t over until the fa-


*Simon Sparrow’s eyes widen as he stares at Mario who is on the verge of saying something inappropriate.*


Mario Maurako: fa-ther of the bride walks her down the aisle.


Simon Sparrow: Good save.


Mario Maurako: Thanks buddy!


Simon Sparrow: So are we playing someone today or something?


Mario Maurako: Oh yes! Our opponents. I knew you had never curled before so I lined up a couple of novices for us.


*Mario motions for the opponents to come on over and two middle aged men, one pushing a trash can on wheels, and the other pushing a cleaning cart walk up to the HOW Hall of Famers.*


Mario Maurako: Simon, meet our opponents for today, Randolf and Mortimer.


*Simon furrows his brow. Recognizing Mario’s antics.*


Simon Sparrow: I think you mean Chet & Tanner.


*Mario pauses for a second and then reaches into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulls out two name tags. He looks at the names. One reads Randolf, and the other reads Mortimer.*


Mario Maurako: Nope. It says here Randolf and Mortimer.


Simon Sparrow: Oh, I thought you just made those names up the other day when I was talking about Chet and Tanner.


Mario Maurako: Who is Chet & Tanner?


*Simon Sparrow looks to be getting annoyed with Mario’s apparent disinterest in his own Maurako Cup.*


Simon Sparrow: Our opponents for Refueled!


Mario Maurako: Oh yes! Refueled. The hockey fellas. I’d tell you they are wonderful guys but I’ve never met them. But that is irrelevant. This Curling match will help us get ready for that wrestling match.


Simon Sparrow: I get it, you pretty much just said that. Wait a second, are these guys Janitors here?


Mario Maurako: Yeah why?


Simon Sparrow: Because they’re bound to be excellent sweepers, and probably going to kick our butts.


*Mario laughs hysterically at Simon’s unintended joke.*


Simon Sparrow: When will you start to take this seriously?


*Mario walks over and puts his arm around Simon.*


Mario Maurako: Simon, when are you going to stop taking this SO seriously? I get it. Gilda. But man, c’mon you are talking to a guy that stood by and watched his wife get thrown off a bridge. You’re talking to a man who tried to suffocate someone because they annoyed him, only to find out they had amnesia, convince her they were engaged, all to end up with a HOW Title shot. The problem here is that neither of us are in our zone. I’m trying to get into mine, and quite frankly you’re being a buzzkill with all this talk of “responsibilities”. No offense intended of course.


And before you go to say anything else. I know I fucked up and I cost us the first match in the Maurako Cup Tournament. It has literally bugged me every day since then. That was on me, but now let’s turn this shit around. Let’s kick these Janitors asses, then let’s kick those hockey player’s asses, and then we will kick anyone elses ass that wants to get in the way. 


*Simon takes a moment and seemingly appears relieved.*


Simon Sparrow: Okay, let’s do this.


*Cheesy old cartoon chase music plays as we watch the horrendous attempt at curling take place at 10 times speed. The Janitors are hitting shot after shot and our HOW Hall of Famers are showing that they are not in the Curling Hall of Fame. As the game comes to an end Simon looks at Mario with extreme frustration.*


Simon Sparrow: I thought you had curled before.


Mario Maurako: Are you serious? I’m Italian, I’m not any good at Curling.


Simon Sparrow: Weren’t you babbling about the Italians winning Gold?


Mario Maurako: That was mixed doubles. Apparently there is only ONE good Curler in Italy. The women didn’t qualify and the men’s team virtually came in last. 

Simon Sparrow: You didn’t play in Minnesota either? You’re always babbling about Minnesotan’s being good at everything too.


Mario Maurako: Well, Minnesotan’s are good at Wrestling, Hockey, and Curling. I spent my time wrestling. So while that didn’t help us against these Janitors in curling. Hopefully it will help against the Hockey players in Wrestling.


*Mario slaps Simon Sparrow on the back and chuckles. Simon on the other hand doesn’t look as entertained.*