I’m no Vampire, so I won’t need the coffin. I know, you’re used to staking them.

I’m no Vampire, so I won’t need the coffin. I know, you’re used to staking them.

Posted on August 12, 2021 at 10:31 pm by Cancer Jiles

Dearest Cecil,

I’m sorry for the confusion.

I was speaking in tongues because you suck so much dick. We’re friends, remember? I was trying to help you out.

No, I don’t want to break your jaw.

Not that way.

Just kidding, old chum.

Let’s clear up some stuff, since we are friends.

I saw you as my superior. Then, I took the tuxedo off and it took five seconds to dethrone you. Basically, you stepped aside, and I stepped the fuck up. Now, that time has passed, I don’t even view you as an equal.

I view you as a bottom. 

Pucker on that, Cheeks.

And now how about some more differences between me and you? Should be fun. Yes, that implies that I’m a top.

You set records. Congrats on that by the way, I know the boys are really proud of you.

Me? I break them. In record setting fashion, mind you.

You possess this uncanny X-factor, which is your vast history of the sport. Pundits, and people of stature debate if Scott Stevens’ fax machine knows as much as you do. 

Me? The only reason I know about my past is because you said I didn’t do anything and I decided to fact check you on it. That of course led down a rabbit hole, as you will see.

You win matches with grit? Toughness? Your opponent getting stuck in traffic? Yeah, a real dandy of a lion you are– with a roar as feral as the five second pussy I know you to be. 

Me? I go to the moon. At will. When I damn want to. AT everyone’s expense but my own.

You’re an ICON, even if you ignore the fact your skeletal system is mouse-like. Don’t sell yourself short, I’ve seen the battle scars burned onto the bottom of your feet. Just walking around must hurt. That, and because of the scoliosis. 

Me? I am that seal you mentioned. I flap my fins together and get paid in fish. However, just like most seals, I also swim with the sharks. Instead of fear, and coffining, I dangle my lowly foot for them to bite. It’s no tire, but I assure you the rubber on the bottom of my boot has proven tough to chew on.

Yes, that means after I kick you in the face I look forward to seeing you again during the run up to the 2025 War Games I’ll be spearheading. I added a few years because I’m going to go out of my way this Saturday night to send you back to the gutter.

You fucking rat.

Say cheese.

I’m happy you beat Mike. I’m sure Scottywood is too, and the rest of the Hall of Fame. But, I wasn’t talking about beating him when I said I did something you could not. I could see how you would think that, since it was quite the accomplishment, and you fancy yourself as a man who has lots of them. What I was referring to, and to be clear it wasn’t me winning the World Title when my career was on the line against the Career Collecting, also Record Setting, NINE times World Champion, inside a steel cage– because why would I even mention it knowing you beat him once when there was a gas leak inside the Best Arena.


Get fucked.

You’re no shark.

You just sleep with the fishes.

Article 50 is for bitch ass crumbs.

I never liked your hair, either.