::::SCENE: One of the ridiculously expensive luxury hotels in Manchester. The room is more of a suite with two separate bedrooms. It pays to be famous. Especially as world renown as Jatt Starr.
Inside the spacious bathroom of the extravagant suite, the Thane of Starrkarth is working meticulously to get his blonde hair perfect. Granted, it is the wrong color for the impending social gathering later tonight, but he will make do. After all, it is not necessarily about aesthetics as much as it is about attitude.
CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK!
Ah, the not-so-familiar sound of hand rapping on the door. The King of Jatten Island looks at himself in the mirror one final moment before grabbing his plush hotel bathrobe with the hotel’s insignia on the pockets, throwing it on, and tying it off in a bow at the waist. He thenn proceeds to carefully saunter to the door and takes a peep through the peephole.
The Baron of Boca Jatton sees the distorted image of Madison looking like she would rather be elsewhere.
Jatt Starr proceeds to open the door in an almost overdramatic fashion.::::
JATT STARR: Welcome to the castle of the Monarch of MancheStarr!!!
::::Madison, holding a box wrapped in brown paper bag and tied together by some hemp twine, just stares.:::;
JATT STARR: What are you doing standing there, gawking? Come on in!
::::Madison is speechless at the image of Jatt Starr wearing makeup — a dark purple blush, black lipstick, and flecks of glitter shimmering in the light of the room. Madison looks as scared and confused as a caveman sitting in a minivan. She hesitates for a moment before entering the room. The door closes behind her.::::
JATT STARR: To what do I owe the pleasure?
::::The Champion of Jattanooga walks over to the living room area of the suite, exquisitely decorated in a classic Victorian style (except the forty inch flatscreen television and a couple of the standing lamps). In the middle of the room sits a room service cart featuring a charcuterie plate which includes several cured meats (Prosciutto, Genoa Salami, Mortadella) four different kinds of cheeses (Lord of the Hundreds, Caciocavello Podolico, White Stilton, and some agred gruyere), some water crackers, and a dish of caviar — beluga, a Jatt Starr favorite.:::::
JATT STARR: Help yourself to a quick bite.
MADISON: No, I’m—um, I’m okay….or fine.
JATT STARR: That’s good!
::::The Mayor of ManJattan takes a seat on the firm burgundy couch with a gold flowery print. He puts his feet up, his legs are red from his most recent waxing as Madison does everything she can look anywhere but directly at Jatt Starr as if he were the sun.::::
JATT STARR: So? How’s Darin?
JATT STARR: Zion. I was almost kind of worried for you with the whole Xander Azula wanting to sacrifice you to Beavis or whatever.
MADISON: I’m not with Darin!
JATT STARR: You two broke up?
MADISON: We never dated!
JATT STARR: Does he know that? I know he is a bit of a dweeby weenie, but you—-
MADISON: No! I have a thing going with Jace!
JATT STARR: Does Jace know about you and Darin?
JATT STARR: You should really tell him. No relationship can survive the impenetrable web of deceivery.
MADISON: No! You’re confusing me with someone else!
JATT STARR: I don’t think I am.
MADISON: Meredith is with Darin Zion. I’m Madison.
::::El Jattador de Starrcelona acts as if he has realized this faux pas, but in fact, he does not. Best to do what he traditionally does when a woman corrects him and nods knowingly.:::::
MADISON: We’ve met four times!
JATT STARR: Yes! Of course we have! At the…..
::::The Savior of Starrkham looks at Madison, standing in her very professional and tight fitting gray business suit, hoping she finishes the sentence, but alas, she does not.::::
JATT STARR: To hell with it. What brings you to Jatteau de Jattlantis?
MADISON: This is not what I would call a chateau. BUT…Jace received this package by mistake.
::::Madison flings the box towards Jatt Starr like it were a frisbee. The Sovereign of Starrgentina catches the package and looks at it. His eyes light up like a toddler on Christmas morning.::::
JATT STARR: Oh! My garters! Sweet!
::::The Marquis of MadagaStarr starts ripping open the brown paper binding, freeing the box from it’s hemp based constraints and opens it. From the depths of the pink tissue paper he removes two garters and looks over at Madison and nods. He pops up out of his chair and rips off the tag to one of the garters and flippantly tosses it into the air.::::
JATT STARR: There’s some Coke in the minifridge. It doesn’t exactly pair well with caviar, so, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
MADISON: Um, thanks?
::::Jatt Starr disappears into one of the bedrooms as Madison starts heading towards the door.::::
JATT STARR (from the Bedroom): Thanks for dropping this off!
MADISON: I’m gonna go. Jace is waiting—-
JATT STARR (from the Bedroom): Invite him over! We’ll make a night of it!
MADISON: I don’t think so. Besides, he needs my help to focus on the Lethal Lottery, there’s Conor Fuse—-
JATT STARR (from the Bedroom): All the more reason— OW! — Dammit!
MADISON: You okay?
::::Madison’s reaction is one of instant regret. She clearly does not want to be in this suite any longer than she needs to.::::
JATT STARR (from the Bedroom): Perfectly fine! I would ask you for help with the corset, but I’m not sure how appropriate it is!
:::::Madison pulls out her phone and starts texting the King of Everything. “U OWE ME” — Send — “GET ME OUTTA HERE” —- Madison waits as she looks around the room. The little coffee table has a couple of empty Coca-Cola bottles and she notices a postcard from Vancouver Canada.::::
MADISON: Look, I should—
JATT STARR (from the Bedroom, still): Look, Lethal Lottery can be a stressful time. Jace and I, we’d be lucky just to draw a championship match.
MADISON (disinterested like teenage goth girl listening to a documentary about Care Bears): Uh-huh.
::::Madison continues to stare at her phone, trying to unlock the hidden powers of her mind, sending psychic thoughts to Jace Parker Davidson to reply. Nothing. She looks towards the door and then to the phone.::::
JATT STARR (from the other room): Mike Best and John Sektor are shitting bricks right now. They have no idea who to prepare for. Well, Mike Best, he’s…well, the BEST. No one can take that from him. Quite literally, actually. There is no one better than he. But he’s cocky. As great as he is, whomever his opponent is, they have to essentially be in tip top shape, they have to be more aggressive, and use the environment. If ol’ Mikey takes control of the match, use the ropes, clutch onto those bad boys like Gollum clutching that Ring of Hobbits. But do not leave the ring! Big mistake! Too many opportunities to get thrown into a barrier or steel steps plus the floor around the ring is hard as hell. No, clutch the ropes and if Mike tries to pull you away from them, a thumb to the eye and a swift kick to the knee. Target the knee. At least that’s my plan!
MADISON: Well, you know, Jace is probably wondering—–
:::The Sultan of SeaJattle pops his head from the bedroom, his made up face and almost curly blonde hair gives him a rather unsettling look.::::
JATT STARR: Hey!
MADISON: If you’re about to ask me to play “Goodbye Horses”, I am fucking outta here.
JATT STARR: No! Is Jace coming over? I really need to know, there’s arrangements that need to be made if he is.
MADISON (holding up her phone): I am waiting for a response.
:::The Ruler of Jattlantis gives Madison an emphatic thumbs up before retreating back into the bedroom.::::
MADISON: Can I ask you a question?
JATT STARR (in the room): As long as it is not about religion or sex.
::::Madison gives an involuntary shudder of disgust (or perhaps she is becoming aroused at this side of Jatt Starr? No. It’s definitely disgust….and not because of the makeup, it’s mostly his douchey, punchable face.::::
MADISON: What’s your deal?
JATT STARR (in the room): What do you mean? Like am I seeing anyone? Why? You got someone in mind?
MADISON: God, no! I mean, what’s the, like, deal with the make-up?
JATT STARR (in the room): Oh! Well, here, let me give you a hint.
:::The bedroom door opens.::::
JATT STARR (in the room, still): How d’you do?
::::The Ruler of Jattlantis steps into the doorway wearing a trenchcoat, which he prompt removes revealing Jatt Starr sporting a black and silver corset, black pan…er…manties, black lace elbow length gloves, fishnets, and a garter belt.:::::
JATT STARR: “I’m just a Sweet Transvestite from Transsexual Jattsylvaniaaaaaa!”
MADISON: This is—This is just—-
JATT STARR: Awesome? “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” is playing tonight! I try to hit one every city I visit. Don’t attend one in Amarillo dressed like this. I learned that the hard way about ten years ago.
::::The Earl of GlouStarr stands in front of Madison just owning the outfit, exuding confidence from every pore. A wave of relief washes over Madison and she can only laugh.::::
JATT STARR: What? You think this is funny?
::::A flicker of anger is felt in the Jattlantic City Idol’s gut as he questions Madison’s sudden case of the giggles. Yes, she is dating either Jace or Darin or both, who knows, but the absolute balls she has to laugh at him while in his suite after he offered her some of his ludicrously pricey beluga is inexcusable.::::
MADISON (laughing): No! I thought…you…were having a…”Silence of the Lambs” moment….Buffalo Bill style…Oh my gosh! I was legit scared!
JATT STARR: No! Who am I Joe Jim Bob Roberts or whatever the Television Champion’s name is? That guy is the ipso facto numero one psycho in the HOW and you know what they say about psychos, don’t you?
JATT STARR: They are impotent and they constantly wet their bed. The Jattinum Standard says no thank you to that particular lifestyle choice.
::::BZZZZZT! BZZZZZT! Madison’s phone vibrates and she checks her messages.::::
JATT STARR: Is that Jace? Is he coming?
::::Madison throws up a finger as a teacher would a student who is interrupting class. She looks at her text messages — WHO DIS — NEW PHONE — J/K —- WUTS THE HOLD UP? —- Madison with lightning quick thumbs types a response —- COME DOWN HERE QUICK —- YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS.::::
MADISON: He’ll be here.
JATT STARR: As long as he’s here within twenty minutes, I have to get to the theatre early. I like to check out the seating, see what’s prime real estate.
::::Jatt Starr heads over to the service tray and with the teeny tiny spoon, he scoops out a portion of the caviar and places it on the water cracker. He pops the unsalted bland cracker topped with the fishy, nutty caviar into his mouth and closes his eyes. Of the indulgences in life that he can afford, beluga is in the top three. Whilst people like Sektor squander their money (like Darin Zion squanders opportunities) on drugs, booze, and high class escorts, he chooses to squander his on high quality caviar. And why? Because he is Jatt Fucking Starr.
Yeah, he can sit here in this hotel suite wearing women’s lingerie because he likes Frank N. Furter without the slightest bit of humility because he is Jatt Fucking Starr.
And yes, the wearing of women’s clothes does not stop there….there’s the nylon stockings he wears because it feels good on his legs….who gives a rat’s rectum? He’s Jatt Fucking Starr. And if he wants to guest at a local drag club under his drag persona “Simone Sparkle”, he will because he is Jatt Fucking Starr!
That and his life coach Buster told him to try new things, citing “sometimes we can find the things that comfort us most by stepping out of our comfort zone”. And it’s true, Simone Sparkle allows him to tap into another side of himself. But the other drag queens are harpy bitches. Especially Crystal Chandalierre. Bitch.
But he’s only done it once a month because he can make his own schedule and why? Because he’s Jatt Fucking Starr.
Losing to Sektor in the fashion he did, rattled him. There is a part of himself that hopes and prays that he gets another shot at that cocky prick. Memories of losing the ICON Championship to Aceldama all those years ago only to regain it by defeating him in a Lethal Lottery match. The universe (or maybe the HOW gods) may smile on him next week and he gets another crack at his disingenuous former friend and partner.
His thoughts of retribution are interrupted by Madison.::::
MADISON: I have a question.
JATT STARR: Do I have costumes for you? No.
MADISON: That’s not it. Don’t you feel uncomfortable wearing that?
JATT STARR: Only the heels. I suppose having only one testicle helps with the comfort level of the panties, but as far as footwear, it’s not lore friendly, but I wear sneakers.
JATT STARR: You asked.
::::The silence becomes awkward as Madison waits for Jace to arrive and Jatt Starr try to think of something to talk about with this woman that he may or may not have previously met at least three times before. He takes a seat again on the couch.::::
MADISON: Lethal Lottery.
JATT STARR: Yep.
MADISON: And you’re not, like, worried about what could happen?
JATT STARR: It is out of my hands. The best strategy is to have a minimal game plan. Hell, I might not even draw a match. You’re gonna tell me that working out ten hours a day for five days straight and stressing about a match I may not have is good for my overall health, mentally, physically, and otherwise? Hell no. I’ve faced Sektor before I know what he will do before he does it. Mike? I know what to do. Jimmy Joe Joe Bobby Boy Roberts? He’s a scary fuck….pardon my language….
MADISON: I’ve heard worse.
JATT STARR: All I can do is what I do best…claw, scrape, and cheat if I have to. Because at the end of the day, for all of my accomplishments, I am seen as the underdog. The more people underestimate me as some goofball, the more likely it is that I can beat them. And Jace? Dude is on the ferno, as they say.
MADISON: Who says that?
JATT STARR: People. My point is, I would love another crack at him in a Number One’s Contender match and maybe I can pull out a win. The point is, it makes no sense to worry about the randomness of the Lethal Lottery. All I can do is just enjoy my time here as the Monarch of MancheStarr. As Buster once told me “You can’t change yesterday but can ruin today by thinking about tomorrow”.
::::There is a brief pause between the two before Madison narrows her eyes and looks at the Transexual Jattsylvanian Count.::::
MADISON: Have you considered maybe wrestling in that get up?
::::The Ruler of Jattlantis sits up straight. The idea had never occurred to him before. This outfit would totally catch his opponent off guard….unless that opponent is Mike Best.::::
JATT STARR: I should, right?! That’s brilliant. I should totally Monty Python this match!
MADISON: What can I say? I’m not just a pretty face.
JATT STARR: Eh.
MADISON: But not the hair. Ugh. It’s like a bad perm job.
JATT STARR: Fuck you. I spent three hours on this hair.
MADISON: It looks like you spent ten minutes on it. And, no offense, the makeup?
JATT STARR: What’s wrong with my makeup? I got tips from YouTube!
MADISON: No eyeshadow or eyeliner?
JATT STARR: I tried that once. I poked myself in the eye. It was like a third rate Bottomline.
MADISON: I could show you how it’s done.
JATT STARR: Sure!
MADISON: Oh. What about Jace?
JATT STARR: Does he know how to apply eyeliner?
MADISON: No! He’ll be here any minute.
JATT STARR: We’ll be like Motel 6. We’ll keep the door open for him.
MADISON: I think it’s “We’ll keep the light on for you”.
JATT STARR: I’ve heard it both ways.
::::The Marquis of MadagaStarr rises and struts his stuff across the room into the very short hallway and opens the door a bit and with a turn of his wrist and a “click”, he releases the deadbolt. He allows the door to close, the deadbolt hits the side of the doorway, leaving it ajar and walks back to Madison.::::
…..Six Minutes and Eleven Seconds Later…..
::::The door is pushed open and an impeccably dressed King of Everything stands in the corridor looking apprehensively into the luxury suite.::::
JPD: Jatt? Madison?
:::::Silence. Jace Parker Davidson slowly takes a step inside the suite and looks around. He looks over at the room service rolling tray and looks around.::::
JPD: Bunny guy? Fat British Pervert?
:::::Jace waits for a response and receives none. He decides to partake in a bit of the beluga. The second the fish eggs hit his taste buds, he wretches and spits it out.::::
JPD: Fucking nasty.
::::Showing zero regard for etiquette and good taste he spits again on the floor.::::
JPD: HEY! Anyone in here????
JATT STARR (from the bedroom): IN HERE!!!!
JPD (muttering): What the hell is going on here, like I don’t have enough to worry about.
::::JPD opens the bedroom and witnesses Jatt Starr sitting on the foot of the bed in full Frank N. Furter regalia and Madison standing over him applying makeup.::::
MADISON: You want to make sure you’re applying the color from the lashline to the crease.
JATT STARR (without looking away): Jace!!! How’s it going, Brohemian Rhapsody?
JPD: Okay. This is new.
::::Jace pulls out his phone and takes a quick photo.::::
JATT STARR: Do you like “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”?
JPD: I like “Rocky”, “Rocky Two”, “Rocky Three”, and “Rocky Four”. “Rocky Five” was a horror show, but I don’t think that’s what you’re referring to.
JATT STARR: You two should—
MADISON: Stop moving so much.
JPD: Don’t overdo it. You don’t want him looking like a slut.
MADISON: Give me a little credit.
JPD: Hurry up. We have reservations. Good seeing you, Jatt.
::::Jace Parker Davidson exits the room leaving the door wide open.::::
JATT STARR: I guess that’s a no.
MADISON: I wouldn’t worry about him.
JATT STARR: I knew I put on too much glitter. I went too Simone Sparkle…
MADISON: What’s that?
JATT STARR: Tell you later.
::::As Madison continues to apply the purple eyeshadow called “Temptalia”, Jatt Starr feels somewhat at peace. He makes a mental note to ask Jace if he could hire Madison part time. After all, she did give him the absolutely kick ass idea of going full Monty Python this week at “Refueled”.
As Madison finishes up his left eye, the Thane of Starrkarth ponders his options. Will he find himself in a match against that bedwetting hooligan Jimmy Jimmy Jizz Jizz Roberts? If so, wearing this might arouse the felon and get him all rapey. Jatt certainly does not want that. OR….it will get him confused and maybe perturbed enough to make enough of a mistake that Jatt Starr will hold the last championship he is able to hold in order to say he’s held them all….the HOW Television Championship. How just absolutely delicious it will be to end that prick’s winning streak.
But those are thoughts for tomorrow. Tonight, he is going to grab his umbrella, go to the theatre (alone, apparently) and watch “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” with a bunch of (hopefully) equally rabid fans, come back to the hotel, order himself some shepherd’s pie, take a shower, and go to bed.
When he awakens tomorrow, he’ll see.
An uncertain future is exciting.
That’s what the Lethal Lottery is all about…..Uncertainty.
It almost makes him shudder with ANTICI….PATION.