If That Is Your Real Name!

If That Is Your Real Name!

Posted on March 10, 2021 at 9:04 pm by Jesse Kendrix

The scene opens inside the lobby of a rather lavish looking courthouse. High rise ceilings, waxed floors beautifully lit up. The center of attention? The stars and stripes hanging proudly above the reception of a busy and energetic lobby. Sat, suited with the latest and greatest rather dashing Hollywood Bruvs official tie around his neck is none other than a nervous and ancy looking Jesse Fredericks Kendrix.

Kendrix: OK ok….ok.

He exhales, readying himself.

Kendrix: I can do this. No big deal.

Slicking his hair back he checks his watch and repeatedly taps his foot before loosening his tie. He affords himself another look at his watch.

Kendrix: Not long now surely?

At that moment, the general hustle and bustle of the lobby is interrupted by the clanging of the huge entrance doors. As if time stood still for a moment, each visitor holds their hands flat above their eyes to protect them from the blinding light entering the building. Is it sunlight? Has the end come? Did someone time travel (quite possibly considering whose voice is heard screaming at the top of his lungs as if his life depended on it).

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Holding a folder high above his head, Mikey Unlikely, not one to make a quiet entrance of course, runs across the hall, echoes of his shoes tap tap tapping against the marble floor, forcing the public within the building recovering from their newly found blindness to cover their ears in the faint hope of not becoming death as well, slides to a halt in front of his Tag Team Partner. He didn’t have to slide but Mikey knows a good waxing job when he sees one and strongly believes these huge opportunities in life must not be wasted.

Mikey Unlikely: What the hell is this?!

He throws the folder down on Jesse’s lap. The Londoner looks at it for a moment but doesn’t bother to open it, he knows exactly what’s inside and simply places it on the seat next to him. 

Kendrix: I know you care. I do. But you can’t stop me Bruv, nothing you can say to me is going to change my mind. 

Jesse looks up at his concerned Bruv. Eyes intently focussed on the task at hand.

Kendrix: I’m doing this.

Affording himself another check on the watch, Jesse looks at the closed courtroom doors directly in front of him. Mikey meanwhile ignores the complaints of the various members of the public giving him a piece of their mind for their newfound disabilities, shoo shoos them away dismissively and takes his seat beside Kendrix and opens the folder in disbelief.

Mikey Unlikely: But, why? I don’t understand. Have you been drinking in the toilet again? You don’t have to do that. I’d rather you go back to your drinking than do this! This is too much. Seriously, you don’t even have to hide the drinking from me anymore. Just not this!

Leaning forward, his elbows against his knees, Jesse cups his head in his hands the strain of this moment is telling before he rubs his beard and takes a deep breath.

Kendrix: No, I told you before, I haven’t touched the stuff for hours, Mikey! That’s not the point. It has nothing to do with that. The point is, this is about me. This is about…my name.

Mikey’s eyes open wide.

Mikey Unlikely: Your…your name? You mean you’re not here to get married to Chastity? I thought you were going to marry the strippee because you knocked her up!

Jesse rolls his eyes.

Kendrix: Bruv, what do you take me for? Bruv rule number one. NEVER marry a stripee, remember?

Jesse takes out the official Hollywood Bruvs rule book from inside his jacket pocket and quickly turns to page one to remind Mikey and prove his point.

Mikey Unlikely: I’ve always said that.

Kendrix: Yeah, but I said it first!

Mikey turns away and grits his teeth.

Mikey Unlikely: Dammit!

Shaking his head at the very thought of breaking the 1st rule of the Hollywood Bruvs, Jesse grabs the other folder he has from the briefcase by his feet.

Kendrix: This is what I’m here for today. I’m going to change my name, Mikey. I know it’s a big step. But you know, I basically have no choice in the matter do I? Mikey?

Pointing his index finger down hard on The Hollywood Bruvs rule book, Mikey shoves it in front of his long time Tag Partner’s face.

Mikey Unlikely: There! Well what about this one, huh?! You broke Hollywood Bruv rule number two! NEVER get a strippee pregnant. What do you have to say about that, Bruv?!

Now it’s Jesse’s turn to go wide eyed in shock.

Kendrix: I broke rule number two? How could I have missed it?

Mikey shakes his head in disgust. However, Kendrix takes the rule book for further investigation.

Kendrix: Wait, I see what’s wrong here. That’s a typo. It’s supposed to say NEVER get a Stripper pregnant. You know, the handy DIY women who come round your house and strip the wallpaper off the walls. They…are…mental!

Mikey grabs the rule book back for his own investigation?

Mikey Unlikely: Oh My God. Who the hell signed off on this merch and got it published? How did they miss that? Think of all these bad boys we sold and all the little Hollywood Bruv wannabees walking around getting Strippers pregnant instead of strippees. 

Nervously he flips through the book, looking for a specific rule. 

Mikey Unlikely: THERE IT IS! Never publish a book without proofreading it! Bruv rule number 39. We’ve messed up Bruv! This whole thing is trash! 

He tosses Kendrix’s rulebook behind them onto the floor. Obviously a passer by slips on the book and breaks their back in this court house of pain.

Kendrix: I don’t believe it. 1000 Hollywood Bruv rules ruined because we didn’t follow rule 39.

Mikey Unlikely: I’m going to have to rewrite the rulebook now! This is egregious! You hate to see it Christie! 

Some woman turns her head to the Bruvs. 

Woman: Excuse me? 

They both look at her confused. Kendrix is about to ask if she’s the person to change his name for him but she clarifies quickly. 

Woman: I’m Christie, I heard you say my name?

The American Bruv puts both of his hands on his face. 

Mikey Unlikely: THE HYPOTHETICAL CHRISTIE! NOT YOU, CHRISTIE! 

JFK can’t believe it either, he shakes his head in disgust. 

Kendrix: Christie, Get the hell out of here! What are you doing!? This is an official government building! 

Christie scurries off offended, likely to find her friend Karen. 

Mikey Unlikely: Fucking Christie…

It takes Mikey two seconds but he finally picks up on something said earlier. 

Mikey Unlikely: WAIT… You’re changing your name? But why?! We’re the Bruvs, We’re Mikey and Jesse, we’re a brand bay ba…..

JFK puts his finger to Mikey’s lips to shush him. 

Kendrix:You know why. NOBODY CAN REMEMBER MY NAME IN CHICAGO, FOR SOME REASON! WOE IS ME!

Jesse swings his arm in front of his chest in a ‘god darn it’ fashion.

Kendrix: I’ve been called Hendrix, Kendricks. We went on a talk show that’s held in a wrestling ring…on a tv show by our opponents  at March to Glory and even the fat golf presenter, who you would have thought would have done his homework for his own show as the basics of being a presenter, called me…some guy.

He folds his arms in a huff. Mikey encourages his friend who recently helped him through the loss of his feline friend. 

Mikey Unlikely: Bruv, I know your name, The People know your name, the Strippees know your name…Dammit you got the hottest name in the Red Light district. They say “JAY EFF KAY IS COMING TO TOWN!” ALL THE STRIPPEES IN THE STRIPPEE CLUB GETTING STRIPPEE! 100% of the time! 

Jesse waves his partner away. 

Kendrix: Mikey none of this matters. Just like it doesn’t matter that we made the tag division in HOW relevant in our first stint. It doesn’t matter that it fell apart when we left. It doesn’t matter that two washed up yesteryear performers took advantage of the ruins that were left. It doesn’t matter, that in a vein effort to appear relevant they attached themselves to the Best name to get ahead in a division without any credible competition before we showed up again.

Mikey wipes a tear at the thought of being a big fish in a small pond which was once a mightily big pond.

Kendrix: It doesn’t matter that Lee Best is going to be kicking himself when he realises hes hired part timers he brought in to save this division are going to embarrass his full time 2nd rate Tag Team Champions and make those titles mean more to High Octane Wrestling part time then they have been full time under their reign.

Taking a deep breath, Jesse closes his eyes and exhales before opening them, intently focussed like never before.

Kendrix: None of this matters. The only thing that’s going to stop us from taking home the gold is the lack of acknowledgement of my name. Sean Jackson eat your fucking heart out. JFK has been mentally raped by the Tag Team Champions and HOW locker room’s lack of recognition. 

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Kendrix: What’s that?

Mikey Unlikely: Oh, nothing I’ve just got my sarcasm machine switched on. Anyway, look… I’m going to tell you something and I want you to keep your cool. This is something I’ve never told you! A secret. It’s not just you, I haven’t told anyone… Can you keep it between us? 

Holding his arms out wide, Jesse nods.

Kendrix: Of course, it’s me, Bruv!

Mikey Unlikely: Gluefist promise?!

Jesse is taken aback.

Kendrix: Oh shit, it’s a pretty big secret then, huh?! Ok Gluefist promise.

THERE IT IS! GLUEFIST!!!!!!

Mikey takes a deep breath. He shakes his hands nervously. 

Mikey Unlikely: MIKEY UNLIKELY IS NOT MY REAL NAME! 

At that moment, as if time stood still, the wheels in Jesse’s head start turning uncontrollably at this groundbreaking revelation from his Bruv. A Bruv he has worked and lived with for many many years that are less than 10 but probably more than 5…he forgets…and also digresses. However, when we return to real time it appears that, in order to process the information that left his partners lips, Kendrix has stood up off his seat and taken a bump on the marble floor with no one actually hitting him.

Mikey Unlikely: Get up Bruv… I know… I know… It’s my stage name! I wouldn’t have lied to you if it wasn’t for your own good. However today’s as good a day as any to come clean.

Calmly dusting himself off and reaching his arm around his back to comfort the pain from the bump, Jesse takes his seat once more as Mikey shoo shoos a concerned passerby away.

Kendrix: I always thought Unlikely was a strong American name here in America. It doesn’t even sound made up. Are you sure it’s not your real name?

Mikey Unlikely: Bruv, I know my own name. My real name is Michael…

Mikey says his last name as well but at that exact moment a man runs out of one of the courtrooms with his divorce papers shouting “I’M FREE” at the top of his lungs which unfortunately meant that we will never know what Mikey’s real last name was.

Kendrix: Well I can see why you changed it. You had a very good reason. It’s not a very Hollywood name is it?! So you understand why I have to go through with this. This isn’t just something that I’ve been looking at doing when I woke up this morning. I’ve been thinking about it for the last three hours.

Mikey Unlikely: You didn’t even get up in the morning! Bruv, it’s four in the afternoon, this place shuts soon.

Jesse opens his folder, presents the papers to Mikey and jabs his finger down on a page.

Kendrix: Look at all these names. I’ve been thinking about it all day. I haven’t just plucked one out of thin air and gone with it. I’ve made a list. There’s like a hundred names here.

Mikey grabs the folder and inspects with his Hollywood Bruv magnifying glass (the latest version of course) he pulls out of his shirt pocket.

Kendrix: This has been a long drawn out process. I figured, in order to stand out in HOW like I have everywhere else I’ve been I need to have names that stand out like the other guys in the roster. You know, the ones that people don’t forget or spell incorrectly. Here, let me read you some of the names.

“Steve McCool”
“Jesse Flexy”
“Sexy Jesse Flexy”
“Super Sexy Jesse Flexy” 


Kendrix: I really liked that name!


‘Jesse Best”
“Best Best”
“Kendrix Troy”
“Teddy Palm Reader
“JFKael”
“Jesse Hollywood”
“Jesse Unlikely”

Kendrix: which…cross that one out, it’s not even your real name!


“Dan Lyin (about his age)”
“Marge Glory II”
“Ward Gaemz”
“G.O.D. (Gary Olde Dairy)”
“Fatt Starr”
“Johnny Sekxt Toy”

Kendrix: This is just page one. I’ve got like another 50 pages to go through…but I have my heart set on one name and one name only, Mikey. I’m ready. This name…this gloriously beautiful name…is going to take me to a new level of respect and stardom…even more so than JFK already has everywhere but in HOW it seems.

Mikey’s eyes light up in wonderment. He has to admit, those are some good names. 

Kendrix: Not just for me, but for us, The Hollywood Bruvs. Are you ready?

Mikey Unlikely: I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life. Wow, a name to make us even more famous than we already are.

He waits

 

Waits some more

 

More waiting.

Kendrix: When I leave that courtroom, Jesse Fredericks Kendrix will no longer be known as Kendrix. I’ll be known as…Ken D. Rix!

Mikey smacks his face together with both hands, he’s gobsmacked at just how good a name Ken D. Rix really is.

Mikey Unlikely: AMAZING! What does the D. stand for?

Kendrix: I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. I’m sure it’ll come in the courtroom when it’s time to sign everything off.

Mikey nods along encouragingly in agreement. At that moment, Jesse’s name is summoned from the courtroom. The Hollywood Bruvs stand up from their seats. Kendrix takes a deep breath, nervous but excited at the great new future ahead of him as Ken D. Rix. Mikey gives him a supportive pat on the back and accompanies him toward the courtroom, Kendrix and Mikey Unlikely…Bruvs to the very end.

Kendrix: This is it…

Mikey puts a hand up hard. Stopping Jesse right there… 

Mikey Unlikely: Let me ask you one question before we go any further…

Kendrix stares quizzingly ready for an eruption of emotion from Mikey’s mouth.. 

Mikey Unlikely: Instead of doing all this… Instead of changing your name and ruining our brand, and us having to remake every single piece of merchandise…Instead of changing your name because some idiots can’t read…Why don’t we just not do that, and get a Frapp instead? My treat? 

Kendrix: Oh yeah, shit. I didn’t think about all the image rights stuff we’d have to go through. I am also thirsty. Ugh, fuck that. Yeah, let’s get a frapp instead.