I Kneed You To Stop This

I Kneed You To Stop This

Posted on April 21, 2021 at 8:03 pm by Mike Best

You were never the top of the mountain. 

Honestly, I’m starting to get concerned for you, Brian. You are a two time HOW World Champion at a time that you could become HOW World Champion by collecting enough box tops from Captain Crunch. You had TWO SUCCESSFUL DEFENSES across those reigns, and both of them were against Darin Zion. You were never the top of the mountain. Never, not for a day. Not for a second. So this place that you’re trying to get back to? It’s Whoville, dude. It’s Sesame Street. It’s a place that doesn’t exist, it’s goddamned imaginary. 

Why do you keep doing this to yourself? 

You have a unique place in HOW. You’re a solid hand with a guaranteed spot in the lower middle of the card, for as long as you want it. You make decent money. You still have a mediocre, but sustainable, future ahead of you. What’s the purpose in accepting this match against me? You said it yourself, bud– you’ve failed to beat me every time you’ve faced me this era, but you’re “making progress”. 

Making progress. 

You know what else you’re making progress at, Hollywood? Getting CTE. Getting permanent brain damage. Having your bell rung like you’re the Hunchback of Notre Dumb. You fucking Quasimodork, I am taking years off your life and you’re talking like you’re just a few puzzles away from cracking the DaVinci Code. Your “N” is misplaced– it’s DUH, VICI, because it’s obvious that you’re about to be conquered.


Love that your whole approach to this match is “boy, you must be tired after facing two guys who are really good at HOFC”. Your entire strategy is just to try really hard and hope I’m tired? That I’m tired? Brian, I’m exhausted– the only 750 words that could ever be more underwhelming and tiresome than your first promo is the obituary Zion writes after Refueled. Picture him, dude. Picture him standing on the top of the ramp, blubbering his little Simps & Money eyes out, mourning the loss of literally his only friend in the world. An entire memorial show dedicated to your stupid as fuck “step into the lion’s den and THEN learn how to fight the lion” approach to physical combat. 

Honestly? It’s selfish. 

There are… presumably… people in this world that love you. How do you think they’re gonna feel, Brian? Watching you get your head based into that steel, over and over and over again, like some kind of twisted tribute to your never ending cycle of “this time will be different”. I don’t know if you have a family, or more than one friend, or… a therapist who at least understands? But it’s selfish. Don’t just think about yourself. I am going to kick the shit out of you, and there will be children watching on television. Children who might respect you, because they were raised wrong and think you’re something to aspire to be. Children who might look up to you, because they don’t understand what a role model is. 


Think of Little Billy, sitting at home and dreaming of one day owning a mansion and being a real life hitman. He’s been practicing over and over again using center alignment and unnecessary italics, just waiting to someday be a never-was pretending to be a has-been. Think of all the fiery return promos he’ll never make, even though he hasn’t gone anywhere. Think about all the “fresh starts” he’ll miss out on, and “Okay, I’m not playing around anymore” promos that he’ll never learn to cut. If no woman loves you, no friend respects you, and no family member will claim you, at least think about that. 

Think about Billy. 

This is the last time I wanna do this, Brian. Not because you’re getting closer to beating me, because you aren’t– it’s because you never will. You didn’t get close last time. Or the time before that. Truth is, I don’t wanna dunk on you anymore. It feels sad now. It feels inappropriate. It feels like I can somehow get #MeTooed for this. It feels like some weird ableism that is also somehow a hate crime despite my absolute apathy toward your existence. This isn’t going to be a fun promo series.

It’s going to hurt your feelings. 

It is going to get too real.

It’s going to go too far.  

This is the last match, Brian.

It’s time to stop climbing the mountain.