“I Have A Child!”

“I Have A Child!”

Posted on April 15, 2020 at 11:56 am by Joe Bergman

Mullet John’s Strip Club and Beer, Bait, and Ammo Store
Fort Stockton, TX
Monday April 13th, 2020

Wait a sec.  Mullet John’s Strip Club and Beer, Bait, and Ammo Store?

The Mullet John’s Strip Club and Beer, Bait, and Ammo Store?

The HOTv camera guy moves the camera up and down.

When was the last time a HOTv camera set foot inside the former stomping grounds of the former LSD Champion, Two-Time ICON Champion, and HOW World Champion Ray McAvay and home of West Texas Adult Entertainment Legends Dark and Stormy?

Even Ray McAvay wonders how long it’s been.

Ray McAvay: Yeah.  How long has it been?

HOTv Camera Guy (off camera): Way too fucking long, man.  Way too fucking long.

McAvay laughs.

Dark’s voice: Actually, June 1st, 2016 is the correct answer.

HOTv Camera Guy (off camera): As I said, way too fucking long.

At one table- the aforementioned McAvay and his wife, the equally aforementioned Dark.  McAvay is dressed in his usual casual style: Hawaiian print shirt and jeans.  Dark (real name: Stacee Perry-McAvay) wears an old school official HOW half cropped tank top shirt that barely covers her breasts with “Racks for Ray” emblazoned in the front.

On the stage, Stormy- the other half of the famed West Texas Adult Entertainment duo, works diligently at practicing a routine on the pole.

Hence a big reason why the HOTv camera guy is really glad to be here.

A large computer monitor sits in front of the couple with a giant hashtag-ish pattern divvying the screen up into nine sections – almost like a virtual tic-tac-toe board.

The camera pans around the place.  It’s empty except for the McAvays.

Oh.  And the Bergmans.  The camera zeros in on happy couple Joe and Laura Bergman sitting several tables away.  Joe’s relaxed.  This is his first trip to West Texas to visit the world famous Mullet John’s Strip Club and Beer, Bait, and Ammo Store.  He’s very happy to get away from home- even if it’s just for a couple days.

Bergman is also very happy about PBR’s win two nights before with #1 Dad Steven Solex in their first tag team match.

His wife Laura sits next to him.  Two months pregnant, she exudes a certain glow about her.  Laura’s giddy at the news of a child coming into Joe and her’s lives and excited to embark on yet another new chapter in their life.

Unfortunately, the HOTv camera guy gets bored with the ordinary marital bliss oozing from the Bergman table, so he goes back over to the McAvay table and right to Dark.  He focuses in on the old school official HOW half cropped tank top shirt that barely covers her breasts with “Racks for Ray-

Dark bends over, her face filling up the camera shot.

Dark: Big screen!

Dark sits back in her chair and sternly points at the big screen in the back of the stage of the closed establishment.  Mumbling to himself, the camera guy takes his camera and walks a little closer to the stage.  But since Stormy is still working on a pole routine, he gets a little distracted and-

Dark’s voice: BIG!  SCREEN!

The camera jerks over to show the big screen where we see that a commercial for Lee Best’s Lethal Lottery this Saturday night is running on HOTv.

[Announcer Guy’s Voice (from the big screen): Next week on HOTv.]

[There’s a shot of Michael Lee Best playing poker.  Smoking a cigar and looking at his hand, he’s dressed all spiffy in a white suit with a black bowtie.]

[Announcer Guy’s Voice: Lee Best’s Lethal Lottery Returns this Saturday night with a five match card.  Two War Games qualifying matches.  Three title matches.  Who will be the lucky one who faces Max Kael . . .]

[Sitting on top of the cage at March to Glory, Max shoves Alex Redding off the top and sends him crashing to the mat.]

[Announcer Guy’s Voice:. . . for his LSD title?  Who will be drawn to challenge the reigning HOW Tag Team Champions 24K- Mikey Unlikely and Jesse Kendrix . . .]

[From Refueled XVI, Unlikely and Kendrix pick up High Flyer – place him over the shoulder before the other hits the ropes and lay him out with a dominator/cutter combination attack.]

[Announcer Guy’s Voice:. . . with the tag team titles on the line?  Finally . . .]

[In the final scene from last week’s show, Mike announces he’s defending the ICON Title in the Lethal Lottery Main Event.]

[Announcer Guy’s Voice: Who will be the one who challenges the SON of GOD himself, Six Time ICON Champion Michael Lee Best for his ICON title? . . . ]

Cutting away from the content on the big screen, the camera guy walks to the back and then pulls in tight on a giant monitor at the Bergman table.  Both the Bergmans and McAvays are ‘Zooming’ tonight- using the Zoom platform to hold a virtual watch party for tonight’s Missouri Valley Wrestling show.

Zoom is one of the more popular free software applications out there worldwide.  Zoom is used for telecommuting, distance education, and social relations.  Since the free version of the program only gives you forty minutes, Mullet John’s has the extra special upgrade with more time and a lot more features.  The attendees are stacked together on the McAvay monitor as follows:

Top left square– the man known as ‘Charlie Wrestling’, MVW’s Charlie Blackwell and his wife Kenzie.

Top middle square- one of the ringleaders of McAvay’s HOW faction the ‘Les Miserables’: General DeBauchery- who resembles a bizarre combination of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds with a black captain’s hat right out of World War II.

To his right in the top right square– Al Cahall- the man who sports a six pack on his abs.

Below Cahall in the middle right square– Nic Koteen- bringing second hand smoke into back to the public eye and a staunch advocate of politically incorrect personal choices.

Middle left square– McAvay and Dark.

Bottom left square– ‘The Sunshine God’ Rah in all his regal splendor.

Bottom middle square- Former two-time MVW Heartland Champion ‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-5.1.  Dressed like a cheap b-movie knock off of a robot, Ultratron-5.1 tries to look menacing and flips off everyone.

Laura’s exhales her disapproval of what The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine just did.  Color her not impressed as she turns to her husband.

Laura Bergman: Do he really have to do that?

‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ responds in an indignant tone.


He produces a massive wad of cash and brushes it back and forth across the camera on his laptop like a painter painting a fence.


And then he loses his train of thought . . .

Ultratron-5.1: . . . equal . . . er . . .

. . . and reboots into default mode.


Laura turns to Joe.

Laura Bergman: And who invited him?

Joe shrugs and points at McAvay.

In the bottom right square- MVW jobber extraordinaire- Bill E. Zane.

Bill E. Zane: I HAVE A CHILD!

Yes.  Dressed in the fancy clothing circa 1912 of the heir to a Pittsburgh steel fortune- Caledon Hockley as he boarded the Titanic, Zane exudes the same snobby, arrogant, and narcissistic traits of the Hockley character from the epic movie Titanic- Voyage of Doom.  You know . . .

Imagine in your mind, a huge ship with inadequate turn radius to avoid a small iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean chugging through the sea with Celine Dion singing the climatic chorus of ‘My Heart Will Go On’:

“Nearrrrrr.  Farrrrrrrrr.
Where-EVVVVV-ver you are!
I be-leeve that the heart does go on . . . “

Also just as irritating to listen to- Zane incessantly shouting out . . .

Bill E. Zane: I HAVE A CHILD!

. . .  over and over . . . and over . . .

Bill E. Zane: I HAVE A CHILD!

. . .  and over.

And last, but not least, in the middle square – the woman of the hour – former HOW LSD Champion Dawn McGill.

Beaming with pride already after HOTv had just replayed the infamous Thursday Night Turmoil episode – January 21st, 2010 to be exact – where she defeated Tim Shipley to win the HOW LSD title.

And for you Stevenspedia buffs out there- that was Dawn McGill’s one and only HOW win– ever.

Dawn McGill: Yay me!

Bergman takes a drink of his Pabst Blue Ribbon.  The final commercial of the night – an advertising for Mikey Unlikely’s Efed Podcast – is over and it’s now time for the main event.

McAvay turned on his microphone to announce something on the Zoom conference call.

Ray McAvay: All right everyone.  It’s not every night we get to watch a divorce take place at a wrestling show on prime time television. 

In the middle square, McGill laughs heartily at McAvay’s comment.

The main event on Wrestling Night in the Heartland tonight-  Dawn McGill versus her estranged husband (and former manager of Joe Bergman/Halitosis) Jackson C. Horne- legendary manager and wrestling entrepreneur and also one of wrestling’s most outspoken minds and mouths, always hitting you with his blunt and uncensored takes on professional wrestling.

If McGill won the match, Horne would be forced to sign off on the annulment papers sitting at his attorney’s office no questions asked.  If Horne won, Dawn would be forced to agree with any terms and conditions he wanted to put into their divorce agreement.

But we’ll get back to that in just a few minutes . . .

Bill E. Zane: I HAVE A CHILD!


Saturday night will forever live in my mind as – well, probably not the greatest night of my career – but definitely one of the more enjoyable nights I’ve ever spent inside a wrestling ring. 

The best thing about it – besides winning, of course – but again, the best thing about it was going back up to Section 214 after the match.  Let 24K have their little elitist shindig over in their clubby, fancy section away from the fans, Steven and I walked back to Section 214 and celebrated our win with the people.  That’s right.  We hung out with folks who have to punch a clock every day.  The people who pay their hard earned money to come to the Allstate Arena every Friday to watch us perform.  The people who now more than ever, need someone who will stand with them, be their champion and fight for them- something the folks in Section 111 will never understand.

When we entered into this tag team partnership, both Solex and I didn’t know how this would all work.  Two guys with two different wrestling philosophies trying to mesh together into a single unit.  It’s always a little nerve-racking tagging with someone for the first time.  Getting used to what he does in the ring.  Him getting used to what I do in the ring.  Wrestling in a tag team atmosphere as opposed to wrestling a single’s match. 

It could have been a dumpster fire of incredible proportion but damn if everything didn’t work out just fine.  Solex and I worked well together and more importantly, we planned correctly.  We knew Jiles would try to yellow mist one of us. Unfortunately, I got it but thankfully it didn’t cost us the match.  We also figured that Bobby wouldn’t be in the ring too long.  Actually, we counted on Bobby not being in the ring for that long.  Because we knew how we could shift the odds in our favor.  Barbie-Q was fantastic.  She came in at the perfect time and distracted Bobby long enough for Solex to put the finishing touches on Jiles.

Dad Tag Team = 1-0

Now it’s on to the Lethal Lottery, the giant roulette wheel of chance where going into the evening no one knows who they’ll be wrestling.  You might draw a War Games Qualifier match?  You might draw a title match.  We know this much.  ICON title, LSD title, and the Tag belts will be defended.  So Michael Lee Best, Max Kael, and the Hollywood Bruvs are locked in.  Everything else is a crapshoot.  I could end up in any one of five different matches.  I could end up in a tag match with someone random.  No one knows or will know until Saturday night rolls around and the fun begins.

For a guy like me who likes to make sure he’s covered all the angles or at least all the angles possible, this is going to be a tough week. You see, I don’t play cards.  I don’t roll dice.  I don’t pIay the slots.  I don’t rely on luck.  I don’t gamble, period.  Instead, I work hard.  I try to create my own luck by planning for as many eventualities as I can.  This week, there’s just no way to do that. 

When I spoke to Ray McAvay yesterday evening about the show, he remembered getting drawn with Darin Zion into a Tag Team Title match with the champions Ascended Supremacy- ie. . . Jason P. and Tara Davidson about the time where they were pretty much unbeatable.  Suffice to say, the McAvay-Zion team did not have a good night.  He said the downside to the lethal lottery is that you get what you get and you have to find a way to make the best of it. 

At least I’ve been in the ring with Max Kael in the past couple of months . . . and Jiles and Bobby Dean.  And I’ve competed against many of the others who are going to throw their hats in the ring for this so I already know what to expect from them.  But the others? 

Andy Murray- the King of Wrestling. Ooof.  Andy Murray would be a very tough opponent to get drawn against.  The man’s a legend.  He’s tough as nails.  Takes no shit from anyone.  Can dish out the trash talk.  Oh and Andy?  Yeah, I’m not taking that bait.  I may be a goof but I’m a goof who’s won the HOW World title twice in the past year.  Here’s some insight, Andy.  You’ll probably have to work up at least a little bit of sweat if we’re matched up in shape or form at the Lethal Lottery.

Chris Kostoff- he was just scary in the opening moments of the LSD title match at March to Glory.  

Zeb Martin- brand new guy, don’t know much about him. 

Perfection- oooh.  Again, up there with Murray.

Alex Redding- put on one hell of a show at March to Glory.  If only he would fallen in the other direction, he’d be the LSD champion right now.

Teddy Palmer- I was really impressed with how he took it to Cecilworth Farthington.  He nearly pulled off the win.  Both he and Redding would be a real challenge.  I think they’re the real deal.

Mike Best, Mikey Unlikely, Jesse Kendrix.  Wow.  Talk about having to climb a steep mountain if I drew them. 

Yeah, it looks pretty daunting, doesn’t it?  So what does a two star wrestler in a company full of the best talent in the wrestling world do?


The McGill-Horne match is underway on the big screen and everyone is getting into it.

[Horne realizes he’s all alone with his wife.]

[McGill’s eyes flash with anger.  Horne looks frightened and doesn’t know what to do.]

Everyone on the virtual watch party cheers for McGill.

Everyone: FUCK HIM DAWN, FUCK HIM UP! (clap clap)  FUCK HIM DAWN, FUCK HIM UP! (clap clap)

Joe and Laura Bergman take it all in.  On the monitor in front of them with the Zoom program running they can see:
-McGill grinning like a Cheshire cat (she wrestled the match Saturday night and obviously knows the result already).
-Rah’s drawing a crude drawing of General Zod and throwing spitwads at it.
-General DeBauchery bouncing up and down on his couch and counting the labels he’s pulled off of the beers he’s drank.
-Al Cahall’s guzzling down a beer from one of the six pack on his abs.
-Nic Koteen smoking and can barely been seen in the picture.
-McAvay and Dark watching the show (they also know the result already) as does Charlie and Kenzi Blackwell.
-Bill E. Zane sticking his face in front of the camera and shouting . . .

Bill E. Zane: I HAVE A CHILD!

-Ultratron-5.1 counting the huge wad of money in his hand.

[Finally, Dawn points to her chin and dares Horne to take a swing. Horne shakes his head no.]

Assorted voices: GET HIM!  COME ON HORNE!  DO IT!  DO IT!

[McGill tells him she’ll give him one free shot.]

Everyone: YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!. . .

Even Bergman does the ‘Yes’ chant with the fingers pointing up in the air.

[Horne balls up his fist . . . ]

Everyone: DO IT!  GO FOR IT!

Joe leans forward.  He’s on the edge of his seat.

[But Horne doesn’t swing.]


[Suddenly, McGill lashes out verbally at Horne.]

Dawn McGill: Come on you pussy-

The rest of what she said gets drowned out.


Shocked and his jaw dropped, Bergman glances at the monitor- inside her little square, McGill looks away from the camera and seems almost a little embarrassed.

[Thunderbolt Smith’s voice (from the big screen): Did she say what I thought she just said to him?]

[Rick Hall’s voice: I thought they were talking about their pet cat.]

Joe Bergman: Language Miss McGill!

McGill looks squarely into the camera, smiles, and cracks back jokingly . . .

Dawn McGill: Fuck off Joe!

[Now provoked and pissed, Horne turns away from her – Dawn pulls out a metal cookie sheet from under her shirt – Horne whirls around and unloads a right hand.]



Referencing the infamous spot from ECW’s ‘As Good As It Gets’ in October 1997 between Beulah McGillicutty and Bill Alfonso.

[Horne shakes his hand after hitting the cookie sheet. He turns back toward Dawn.]


Everyone (carrying on like a bunch of loons): OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bergman sees McGill pump her fist in the monitor.

Dawn McGill: YEAH!

[Horne staggers towards the ropes – McGill follows him and-]



[Horne into the ropes and draped over. McGill winds up and . . .]



[Horne recoils – he holds his back. He whips around-]



[He stumbles backward. McGill steps in.]



[The force of the blow sends Horne over the top rope and toppling down to the floor]

Joe jumps to his feet and claps.

[McGill peers over the top rope to the floor where Horne lies in a crumpled heap on the floor.]


Bill E. Zane: I HAVE A CHILD!


What does a two star wrestler in a company full of the best talent in the wrestling world do?  I’ll tell you what he’s going to do.

He ain’t going to roll over, I’ll tell you that much.

He does what he always does.  He does what he does best.  He shows up.  

If Lee Best says he wants me to be on the show- I’m there.

He keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t focus on trash talking and taking stupid, cheap shots at any of my prospective opponents –instead, he focuses on what really matters and that’s been mentally and physically ready for anything and everything that may happen.

He works his ass off getting ready for the match. 

He puts out maximum effort when the bell rings no matter WHO is in the ring with him.

He tries to plan for every conceivable scenario possible- even though in this type of program that’s literally impossible to do.

He drums four basic concepts into his head over and over: Balance.  Concentration and focus.  Trust your instincts.  Attention to detail. 

Because he knows when you take the time to pay attention to the littlest detail, it can be used to your advantage. 

But let me warn anyone who steps in the ring with me at the Lethal Lottery- underestimate me at your peril. 

I mean, please.  Go ahead.  Do so.  Totally overlook me.  Because here’s the deal – I’ve made quite a nice living in HOW being the guy who’s underestimated – the guy who flies under the radar.

I may be just an Ordinary Joe – and I am – but I’m not afraid of losing and more importantly, I’m sure as hell not afraid to win.  I’ve been in this situation enough where the moment won’t overwhelm me.  The occasion will not get the better of me.  I’ve been in the ring with the current World Champion Cecilworth Farthington and survived a brutal beatdown of epic proportion- trust me, fear is not an issue.

I don’t care what your name is and who you think you are.  If you draw me in the Lethal Lottery, I’m not going to be the road bump in the road.  You’re going to have to beat me and I promise you I will do everything in my power to make that as difficult as possible by paying attention to detail.  Paying attention to detail means that when it hits the fan during the match I’m not going to panic or freeze up in the moment, I’m not going to make a rushed decision in heat of the moment.  Because I’m paying attention to the details, I’m going to be able to think on my feet.  I’m going to be able to react and counter. 

Or in other words, you’re not going to be able to simply walk into the ring and just win the match.  You’re going to have to work for it.

You’re going to have to earn it.


Back to Mullet John’s Strip Club and Beer, Bait, and Ammo Store where Joe and Laura Bergman watch the final act of the McGill-Horne match . . . and marriage.

Laura Bergman: Okay Joe.  No matter what, let’s not ever, ever, EVER, get to that point.

[There’s a high-pitched scream.]

[The camera zooms in – Dawn’s cinched in the testicular claw on Horne and she is squeezing as hard as she can while flipping her ex-husband off with the other hand.]


Joe Bergman: Agreed.

Bill E. Zane: I HAVE A CHILD!