I Don’t Even Know Anymore….

I Don’t Even Know Anymore….

Posted on February 8, 2023 at 12:21 am by Jatt Starr

:::::SCENE:  The conference room in the Radisson near the Best Arena.   The Thane of Starrkarth had hoped to hold this meeting in one of the conference rooms, namely the old StarrSek Industries room, but it is being painted to a more 97Red friendly color (and not the slightly PRIME blue tint it had previously which was all Sektor’s fault for arbitrarily choosing a color as opposed to engaging in a decorating dialogue with Jatt Starr).   


As a consolation, Lee Best allowed the King of Grapple from the Big Apple to use the services of Chip, one of the HOW interns.  Chip is one of those twenty year olds who look like they are fifteen.  A boyish face with an athletic build (possibly a baseball player but definitely not a bowler).   He sports a white HOW polo and black casual pants as he stands in the corner next to the catering table which is stocked with cocktail weenies (and condiments – ketchup and mustard), a fruit plate, and buffalo wings.


The HOW Hall of Famer stands behind the podium in front of his visual aids which are properly covered under sheets.  Granted, they are Care Bear sheets he got at Goodwill a couple of hours ago (three dollars per sheet was a great deal!), but they serve the purpose of hiding the contents of the two easels and the mobile whiteboard.


The three people sitting at the table were the only ones to respond to his ad.   


Big G – A small, slight yet flamboyantly dressed fellow from Chicago.  He sports a lime green suit, purple dress shirt, white bow tie, and gold sneakers.  


Rico Harddong – Producer of adult content.  Namely adult videos.  He had made a name for himself with the “Cranks and Spanks” series.  He decided to dress down for the event wearing a “T-Iddies Gentlemen’s Club” sweatshirt and jeans.


Orville Wanamaker – Nothing is really known about him other that the fact that he showed up wearing a trenchcoat.


Chip nervously fidgets in the corner as Jatt Starr looks at the three men in attendance.  As he is about to speak, Big G (considering his pallid complexion and red hair, the Champion of Jattanooga wonders if “G” stands for “Ginger”).::::


BIG G:  Yo dawg, I was under the impression we gettin’ paid, yah?


JATT STARR:  First thing’s first, we have some business to attend to, then you get paid.


BIG G:  It’s just that my moms, she’s in the hospital and shit so she ain’t frontin’ for me to kick it with my bae and I kinda need to get paid, know what I’m sayin’?


JATT STARR:  What the hell are you talking about?  Forget it, look, you get paid when we’re done.


BIG G:  Ah, for real?  How long’s this gonna take?


JATT STARR:  It takes however long it takes.  Now, just shut your pie hole, Carrot Top.


::::The Ruler of Jattlantis clears his throat.   He adjusts his black and silver paisley tie and begins.::::


JATT STARR:  Gentlemen, welcome.  I know it was a little vague in the reason why you are here, but I assure you, it is of the utmost importance.  The Earl of GlouStarr has been struggling with how to properly show Lee Best, the H-O-W Omnipotent Deity!


BIG G:  Yo, they got pills for that shit.  Viagara and whatever.


::::The Sultan of SeaJattle’s eye twitches a bit and the faintest sneer forms across his lips as he looks at the ridiculously dressed translucent fellow sitting off to the right.  He makes the choice to ignore the outburst.::::


JATT STARR:  What do you give the man who has everything?  A completely subservient woman.


RICO HARDDONG:  So, like a sex slave?


JATT STARR:  No.  This would not be about sex, it’s about wielding power.


RICO HARDDONG:  Look, you want a chick like that, I know a guy, Sergei.  Russian chicks.  


JATT STARR:  The Mayor of ManJattan does not do business with Communist fopdoodle bastards.  


RICO HARDDONG:  Just sayin’, the offer’s out there if you change your mind,  Just one call. 


BIG G (to Rico Harddong)Yo, can I get that number?


JATT STARR:  No!  No Russians!   The woman is already selected!   


::::A slight groan comes from Orville which garners the attention of the HOW Hall of Famer.::::


JATT STARR:  Is there a problem?


ORVILLE:  Uh-uh.  Ungh-uh-uh.


JATT STARR:  Alright then…..


::::The Sheriff of Jattingham pulls off the Care Bear sheets from the first easel revealing the words “OPERATION: SUNNY STEPSTOOL”.  Beneath it there is a rather crude stick figure drawing with rather disproportionately breasts with an arrow pointing to said boobage with the words “Sunny O’Callahan” next to it.  There is very low sound coming from Orville.  Chip shoots a suspicious glance at the bald, mustachioed gentleman with the trenchcoat who is now slumped down into his chair.::::


JATT STARR:  Yes, the image of Sunny O’Callahan is a bit crude, but, for intensive purposes, she’s got a rocking body and, while I have not seen them, I would imagine that her breasts are—–


ORVILLE:  Oh-ho-ha-yeah…..




::::It occurs to the Grand Overlord of Jatturn that Orville is spanking his monkey, choking the chicken, saying “hi” to his monster.  Jatt Starr begins stuttering and stumbling over his words.   He begins waving manically for Chip to intervene who just vehemently shakes his head as if he was asked to escort a masterbating deviant from the premises, which, he has.  Finally, Jatt Starr blows up.::::




ORVILLE:  Keep…ungh…yelling…yeah….




::::Panic sets in.  The Savior of Starrkham jumps into action and grabs the jerk off by his trenchcoat and begins dragging him out of the conference room.   The HOW Hall of Famer, quite forcefully, slams Orville’s head into the door as if it were a battering ram.  Unfortunately, the door was a pull and not a push, so Jatt Starr opens the door and throws the highly inappropriate degenerate to the ground and yells towards the staff.::::


JATT STARR:  Call the police!  This perverted crapface just exposed himself without our consent!   


:::::The staff looks on at the trenchcoated man twitching on the floor.   The Starrabian Knight is about to back into the conference but turns back towards the housekeeper, the two guests, and another hotel employee wearing a black waistcoat, and points towards table.::::


JATT STARR:  If there is anything sticky underneath that table, I am NOT paying for it!!!!


:::::The Starrson City Icon turns and heads back into the conference room, the door closing behind him.   When looks at the table, he notices Big G has moved next to the catering table, as far away from the conference table as he can.  Rico, however, has not moved.::::


RICO HARDDONG:  I’ve seen worse.


JATT STARR:  Can we get back on track?


BIG G:  I ain’t gettin’ no spooge on me!


:::::Yet another exasperated sigh released by the Jatti Master, an occurrence that is becoming all too frequent.  Jatt Starr makes his way back to the podium and addresses the remaining two guests, one of which is more irritating than the other.::::


JATT STARR:  Why do people have to act like that?


RICO HARDDONG:  People get off to some fucked up shit.  I made one-point-one million dollars last year and fourteen percent of that was from this fine piece of Asian ass shitting on some dude’s face.


BIG G:  Yo!  That was you????  That was some sick shit!  It was fire!!!


::::The Hero of Jattlanta is unable to hide the disgust as his face contorts into a disfigured version of face that would be sold at CVS on Halloween.   He finds himself regretting the Craigslist post for this meeting.   He chooses to try and ignore everything that has been done and said thus far.::::


JATT STARR:  Where was I before…..all of this?


RICO HARDDONG:  You were talking about this Sunny chick.


JATT STARR:  Right!  Sunny O’Callahan.  She is a strong, fearless, independent woman with beauty to match.   Not that this is important to you, but allow the Rembrandt of Wrestling to paint you a picture.     


::::The Sovereign of Starrgentina pauses for about five seconds for dramatic effect but his brain was flooded with thoughts during those few seconds.   Max Kael is dead.  Mike Best is retired from action.   Tyler Best is stinking it up in PRIME.  This leaves a gaping hole in Lee Best’s black heart.  A hole that was once filled by the Ruler of Jattlantis, those early days of the HOW.   Granted, back then, Jatt Starr would do whatever it took to win in the name of Lee.  The Jattlantic City Idol always knew that there were rules and in order for Lee Best to respect and admire someone, they would need to break those rules and, more importantly, vanquish their opponent.  Lee suffers from bloodlust.  The more injuries that are inflicted, the more respect and attention they would receive from the G-O-D of the H-O-W.   Whatever it takes.:::::


JATT STARR:  Lee Best can get some submissive skank off the street.  Showing up with some hottie with a suitcase full of safewords, Lee won’t give two rats rectums.  Sunny O’Callahan on the other hand?  A strong independent woman who doesn’t take crap who not only does not like Lee all that much but also happens to be an integral part of the Evil Empire?  Different story.


RICO HARDDONG:  I’m not followin’ here, bro.  Is this some kinda kidnappin’ thing?  I don’t do that shit.  If you wanna know the correct lighting for a gangbang in a hot tub, I’m your guy.   But—-


JATT STARR:  Look here, pal, not that you even need to know the particular details, but, what the hell, right?  Joe Bergman is an evil, evil man who has done some pretty horrific things.  It is not going to be enough to just beat him and take away his HOTv Championship.  No, no, NO!   We need to break him.  First, the Ruler of Jattlantis will break his body and then, we are going to break his soul.  We will deliver Sunny O’Callahan to Lee Best where he will place her on a leash and make her his new little doggy or have her just stay motionless while she’s on all fours and make her his new step stool and we need to find a way where she will consent to being Lee Best’s slave without kidnapping her.


BIG G:  You need some roofies?  Yo, I got a guy!  Mikhail near the bridge?


RICO HARDDONG:  Big fuckin’ Russian dick with the beard.


BIG G:  You know him too?


RICO HARDDONG:  I get X from him.


BIG G:  Yo, that’s lit!  


JATT STARR:  Excuse me!  But shut the hell up!   We aren’t drugging anyone!  We are morally superior to resorting to actions like that.  In fact, I have a list!  It’s called the “WWJPDD”.


::::El Jattador de Starrcelona removes the Care Bear sheets from the second easel revealing a large pad that says “WWJPDD” and an extremely long list of about thirty items.::::


JATT STARR:  This is our “What Would Jace Parker Davidson Do” list.  I was thinking, who is the most woman hating, misogynistic, skeevy, deviant, douchiest degenerate in the HOW.  Obviously, Sektor is out, so the honor went to the third best LSD Champion in the HOW, good ol’ JPD.  Basically, whatever he would typically do, which is detailed on this list, we are not doing that.   For example, number one, “Give off a rapey vibe”.  So, we don’t want to do that.


::::The Starrson City Icon looks at Big G and Rico Harddong, pulls out a marker from his pocket, uncaps it with his mouth, spits the cap onto the floor and crosses out number one.::::


JATT STARR:  It’s a good thing you two are just the idea guys because we would have immediately effed up on number one.  Now, number two.  Roofies.  It is rumored that he has roofied so many women, they have named one after him.  So, we—-


CHIP:  Excuse me?


::::Jatt Starr turns around and notices that Chip, with a meek little voice, has his hand half raised in the air.  The fact that this dickless intern would dare interrupt the Ruler of Jattlantis annoys him.::::




CHIP:  You know you’re not guaranteed to face Joe Bergman, right?  You’re just as likely to square off against Christopher America or Jace Parker Davidson.  Isn’t all this planning a bit premature?…..With all due respect?


JATT STARR:   Excuse me?


::::The Hero of Jattlanta approaches Chip who is still standing in the corner next to the catering table.  Jatt Starr glares at the young man, shooting daggers into Chip’s soul (if he could).:::::


JATT STARR:  You want to say something, sport?


CHIP:  I’m sorry, it just seems you’re putting a lot of energy into this when you should be—-


JATT STARR:  I am paying tribute to Lee Best considering I am back to being his favorite.  What better way than to bring Joe Bergman’s head to him on a platter and Sunny O’Callahan on a leash?


CHIP:  Again, you might not get to face—-


JATT STARR:  It doesn’t matter who faces Joe Bergman, sport.  What matters is, he won’t be walking out of the Lethal Lottery with the HOTv Championship all thanks to me.  Do you honestly think he will be at even seventy percent by Saturday after the beating I gave him?  Heck no, Sonny Jim!   If it’s not me, I tenderized the crap out of him and I am basically handing the HOTv Championship to Darin Zion or whoever.   So take your little rebuttals and shove them up your ass, chief.


CHIP:  I was just trying to help.   


JATT STARR:  I’m sorry, there must be a breakdown of communication somewhere but did I not just tell you—-


BIG G:  Hey, yo!  How much longer’s this gonna be?


::::The Mayor of ManJattan purses his lips together and drops his head onto his right shoulder before turning towards the brightly dressed young man.   The Jattinum Standard’s left eye twitches, his face starts to develop a redness.  He can feel it.  Partially because this little pissant intern questioned him (and, to an extent, his authority in front of two men so far beneath him, they’d be drowning in fossil fuels.  Having someone jerk off at the start of meeting certainly did not help matters.::::




::::The Ruler of Jattlantis reaches into the platter of buffalo wings, grabs a handful of wings and hurls them like a quick Josh Allen pass, nailing the young redheaded man in the shoulder and chest.  Big G begins freaking out.::::












::::Jatt Starr grabs the platter and throws it at Big G’s face.  By the time Rico Harddong reacts, which involves him casually getting up from his chair and strolling out as if nothing happened,  the Duke of Jattmandu has grabbed the large fruit bowl and cracked Big G across the skull with it.   Jatt Starr mounts the lime green clad man and begins shoving chicken wings into his mouth.::::






::::It takes Chip to leap onto Jatt Starr, knocking him off of Big G who is crying and spitting up bits of chicken from his mouth.   Chip has Jatt Starr gripped from behind.  The HOW Hall of Famer begins flailing about as Big G, who has indeed wet himself, starting grabbing his crotch and clumsily stumbles out of the conference hall.::::




::::Jatt Starr finally stops flailing about.  There is a level of embarrassment that he feels that he was taken down by a twenty year old named “Chip”.   It is just another small humiliation that is added to all of the others.  Chip slowly releases his grip on the Thane of Starrkarth.   The former Professor of Sparrowdynamics rolls away from the intern and steadies his breathing.:::::


JATT STARR:  Three fucking people.  There was a time the Ruler of Jattlantis would have filled this room.  Today, I get three dipturds.  It’s really fucking demoralizing, you know that?  What would Lee think?  You know what it’s like, to give your life to a man only to be overlooked time and time again.  First it was Max, then Mike, and when StarrSek Industries was a thing, he only paid attention to Sektor.  And now, all of his attention is placed on Acel-fucking-dama.  You know how many times I beat that assface?  Does anyone remember?  Does anyone even care?  I want to take down Joe Bergman just to Lee can finally see my value.  It’s my last chance.


::::Jatt Starr sits on the ground and begins nodding in silence as Chip looks like he would rather be anywhere else.  There is a weight lifted off of the Jattinum Standard by admitting out loud his feelings towards his disdain towards Joe Bergman.   Granted, there are so many reasons to despise the man, including his criminal behavior.  But Jatt Starr needs to not only be in Lee’s good graces…..


….he needs to be the favorite.


…..his favorite.


….Whatever it takes.   END SCENE::::