Ho Ho Ho

Ho Ho Ho

Posted on December 16, 2023 at 12:57 pm by Jatt Starr

Cody, Wyoming.  Named after Buffalo Bill Cody.  The trailer looked as though Wild Bill himself had one time called it home.  Water stains on the ceiling, a few questionable stains on the carpet – Was it blood?  Was it spaghetti sauce?  Was it mud?  Jatt Starr did not want to know.  Sitting in the plush recliner, he could feel himself get scabies.  He wanted to get out of this hellhole as quickly as possible.  Unfortunately for him, the renter of this hovel had decided not to come home at a reasonable time.

It wasn’t like there was a lot to do while he was waiting.  There was recliner, a coffee table with Entertainment Weekly issues so old they have Edward Norton as “The Incredible Hulk” on the cover, a flat screen television, a record player, and a bin containing a vinyl collection.  Jatt Starr had already rummaged through the records – Three ABBA records, two Billy Joel, and the Motion Picture Soundtrack to “Xanadu”.  And it wasn’t like there was anything to eat while waiting.   A half a box of Better Cheddars, a box of wine that is half empty, and expired milk.  

Honestly, the Baron of Boca Jatton was getting hungry.  His stomach began to rumble and grumble, basically yelling “FEED ME” like Audrey II.  He had been waiting forty minutes and he was just about to call it quits until he heard a car pull up.   The Starrabian Knight’s hair began to itch, he began clawing at it hoping that he was not carrying any lice.  As Jatt Starr leapt up from the chair as the door swung open.   The slightly taller disfigured person in the doorway let out a gasp followed by an expletive.


HUGO SCORPIO: Fuckin’ what the fuck! 

JATT STARR:  Hugo.  Long time.

HUGO SCORPIO:  …the fuck you doin’ in my house?

JATT STARR:  Getting Zika.


Hugo Scorpio turned to close the door only to see the ghoulish, sewn up face of Ezster holding a folded coat over her right arm which elicited another shocked gasp and more expletives as Jatt Starr paced around the room.



JATT STARR:  I must say, I absolutely love what you have done with the place. 

HUGO SCORPIO: First off, my landlord’s a lazy fuck and “B” – I wasn’t expectin’ any company.

JATT STARR:  I would have come sooner but I did not want to.

HUGO SCORPIO: What brings you to my humble ab-oh-day?

JATT STARR:  Consider me your personal Jolly Old Saint Nick here to spread joy during your Holiday Season.

HUGO SCORPIO: I ain’t sittin’ on your lap.

JATT STARR:.That is so humorous that I failed to laugh. It is refreshing to see you have not lost your sense of humor.  Your sense of decor, cleanliness, and fashion, that is an entirely different matter.


The Mayor of ManJattan wandered around the room sporting a designer red and black checkered suit.  There was a part of him that tried to justify burning the suit upon exiting the roach’s nest that Hugo Scorpio calls home.  Jatt Starr turned towards his former protege.


JATT STARR:  Have you visited Gilda recently?


JATT STARR:  I am speaking English, right?  Gilda.  Have.  You.  Visited.  Her?

HUGO SCORPIO:  We went on two dates a fuckin’ lifetime ago.  And look, what happened to her?  A fuckin’ tragedy but it ain’t like I was super close with her.  You come here break my balls about ancient fuckin’ history or did you have a point—

JATT STARR:  Relax.  She is a vegetable.  


It annoyed the Marquis of MadagaStarr that Hugo would take Gilda out but it was almost offensive that he did so behind his back and without first obtaining his blessing.  He might not have ever found out had Gilda not confided in him about their date at Sizzler.  No wonder the courtship was brief. But still, Hugo should have paid his respects when she was shot.  


JATT STARR:  It would have been nice as a gesture to me, considering our history that you would have visited her, sent flowers, something nice.  Especially since you and my daughter consorted.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Whoa!  We didn’t do nothin’ like that!  Kiss on the cheek’s as far as it got.

JATT STARR: Look, you liked her, great.  She dumped you, even better.

HUGO SCORPIO: Not that it’s any of your business, but we both agreed that she tell me that we weren’t romantically aligned and should take some time apart.

JATT STARR:  I am not going to touch that.  At all.   But I heard that you were making quite the strides in XPro.  

HUGO SCORPIO:  I was doin’ pretty okay for myself.  So, what do you want?

JATT STARR:  Knock! Knock!

HUGO SCORPIO:  I’ll bite.  Who’s there?

JATT STARR:  Opportunity.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Opportunity who?

JATT STARR:  No–No.  Opportunity is knocking.  There is no—- It’s not—- Forget it.  


The Jatti Master turned away from Hugo and found himself staring at an old photograph on the wall.  A young girl, about five or six years old, with long black hair and wearing overalls.


JATT STARR: I was unaware you had a sister.  How would she be now?

HUGO SCORPIO:  No, prick, that’s me.

JATT STARR:  Huh.  I never would have guessed.


The Savior of Starrkham spun back towards Hugo Scorpio.  


JATT STARR:  It is hard imagining you without the…..


The Ruler of Jattlantis disgustedly waved his hands in the general vicinity of the scarred portion of Hugo’s face.


JATT STARR:  ….you know…


Hugo Scorpio crossed his arms over his chest and pursed his lips.  


HUGO SCORPIO: You think you’re better than me?


HUGO SCORPIO:  Tell me what you’re gonna tell me so you and the Corpse Bride over there get outta my house.


Hugo pointed over towards Ezster who stood by the door like a statue, although if she could scowl at the disfigured X Pro Main Eventer, she would have.


JATT STARR: You cannot talk to her like that.  You should apologize to her.


JATT STARR:  And tell her she is beautiful.



HUGO SCORPIO:  You’re very beautiful.

JATT STARR: Was that so hard?

HUGO SCORPIO: Can we move this along?

JATT STARR: I am not sure if you have heard but I will be retiring.


JATT STARR: I do not, however, intend to end my career a loser.  I know, I know, Jatt Starr, the Ruler of Jattlantis, the Sultan of SeaJattle, the Starrson City Icon is the PWA Dual World Champion, surely that would be enough, right?  Wrong!  There is no way on Lee’s ninety-seven red earth that my last match ends with Mike Best beating me again or worse….Scott Stevens.  Could you imagine the embarrassment?  Losing to the One Eyed Tampon Boy?  

HUGO SCORPIO: Ain’t that a little dated—-

JATT STARR: And yes, given their tumultuous history, I could just hang back and let Mike Best and Scott Stevens go out there and annihilate each other and, when the moment would be right, I could swoop in like a vulture and pick apart whatever is left.  That is a very valid strategy.

HUGO SCORPIO: I’m expectin’ a big “but”.

JATT STARR: Who do you think you are? Sir Mix-a-lot?


The Sovereign of Starrgentina looked expectantly at Hugo Scorpio.  Hugo Scorpio looked deadpan back at Jatt Starr.


JATT STARR: Because of “Baby—

HUGO SCORPIO: I got the reference.

JATT STARR: Yes, well, there is indeed a “but”.  Neither of them like me either and they could do the impossible and form a temporary cease fire, pool their resources, and take the Jattvian Prince out before settling their differences mano y mano.

HUGO SCORPIO:  So whaddya want with me?

JATT STARR: Quid pro quo. You help me win the HOW World Championship, I put in a good word for you with the head honcho, the big cheese, the H-O-W g-o-d.  When I leave, there will be a position open and you can slide right into my spot.  Unless you enjoy wasting your talents with bottom of the barrel talents like the Game Boy, Lexi Gold, and QT Reese.


Hugo Scorpio dropped his head and sighed.  The former HOW wrestler walked over to the entryway to his kitchen and leaned against the wall, his head remained lowered as if he were examining his Skechers.  Jatt Starr allowed a slight smirk form on his face as he glanced over at Ezster who looked stoically back at him.


JATT STARR: With an endorsement from an HOW Hall of Famer, especially this Hall of Famer—–


The Champion of Jattanooga extended his thumbs and enthusiastically pointed to himself.


JATT STARR: —I can almost guarantee Lee Best will open his coffers and extend a very fair and lucrative contract.  Not that you should expect Jatt Starr money.  Maybe something more in line with maybe someone like Bobbinette Carey.  You know, D-list Hall of Famer money. 

HUGO SCORPIO: And if you don’t win?

JATT STARR:  That is not an option, old bean.  There is this lingering thread hanging over my career.  This-this-this itch that cannot be scratched.  I have never been able to beat Mike Best outside of tag team matches.  And I am not counting the one victory years ago when he was calling himself something else.  But since that toxic gongoozler usurped my place in the Best Alliance, I have not beat him and I mean to do so ICONIC.   By any means necessary.

HUGO SCORPIO: But still…”What if”….

JATT STARR:  I suppose it depends.


JATT STARR:  The ferocity on which you show how much you want the Scourge of Starrpathia to walk out the HOW World Champion.  If you just show up and tickle some scrotes and think that would be enough, well you would be sorely mistaken.  Blood would need to be spilled.  You would need to put one of those sketchy fopdoodles in a deeper coma than Gilda and, if miraculously, I lose, I could see my way to honor the deal.  You know I will not welch on this.  We are New Yorkers.  Heck, we are Long Islanders!  Long Island Strong!  We need to look out for one another—-

HUGO SCORPIO: As long as it’s on your terms.

JATT STARR: You are a Jets fan.

HUGO SCORPIO:  What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

JATT STARR: It is irrefutable evidence of your poor judgment.


JATT STARR:  Of course, you would need to move.  Because this?  


The HOW Classic pointed to the water stain on the ceiling that has an odd resemblance to Paddington Bear.


JATT STARR:  ….and this?


The Jattinum Standard pointed towards the cracked tiling in the kitchen behind Hugo.


JATT STARR:  ….and that?


The Duke of Jattmandu waved his hands towards Hugo’s ensemble which consisted of a dark blue hoodie and jeans.  


JATT STARR:  Unacceptable.

HUGO SCORPIO:  What’s wrong with my clothes?

JATT STARR: Nothing, if you are a street urchin seeking alms for the poor.


JATT STARR: You look like you are homeless.  A bum.  A hobo.  A-a-a flipping wino.

HUGO SCORPIO: It’s comfortable. 

JATT STARR: You can be comfortable and still have some respect for yourself.  If I vouch for you, you have to be impeccably dressed.  But you know what?  We will hold off the makeover, for now.  The first order of business would be moving you out of this, um, place.


Jatt Starr said “place” with the same level of contempt and disgust he usually reserved for when talking about Jar Jar Binks or Bobby Dean.


HUGO SCORPIO:  Move?  What move?  It just needs a little sprucin’ up is all.

JATT STARR:  The only way to spruce this hovel up is with a flamethrower.

HUGO SCORPIO: This is just too much to think about right now.  I’m gonna need to sleep on it.

JATT STARR: That is perfectly fine.  No pressure.  Go, drink some warm spoiled milk and sleep tight and do not let the bedbugs bite.  I mean that.  You probably have enough bedbugs to fill a Park Avenue tenement.  Come!


Jatt Starr snapped his fingers and Ezster opened the door.  The Ruler of Jattlantis adjusted his red and black checkered jacket as Ezster approached and held up his houndstooth overcoat.  Ezster put the overcoat on Jatt Starr and they both exited into the brisk cold Wyoming night.  The door creeked closed behind them and started down the dirt parth towards their rental vehicle.  Ezster mumbled a question to Jatt Starr.


JATT STARR: I would not worry about it.  Come tomorrow morning, I am positive that ugly chowderhead is going to text me first thing to accept the deal.  Then, all I need to worry about is walking out the HOW World Champion.  And you know what happens then?


Ezster mumbled a response.


JATT STARR: That is right. We get those stitches out. And if I don’t? That Two-Face looking cumberworld stays right where he is, roaches, bedbugs, and all.


The Baron of Boca Jatton opened the door to their rented SUV.  Jatt Starr entered the backseat followed by Ezster.


JATT STARR:  Where are my twin babies?  


Jatt Starr clutched the PWA Tag Team Championships in the backseat before smacking the driver, who had been asleep for who knows how long, in the back of the head.  The wiry, bespectacled young man jerked awake.



CHIP: Yes sir, Mister Jatt Starr, sir!


The Grand Overlord of Jatturn buckled in and pulled the PWA Tag Team Championships close to his chest as Chip put the car in drive.  As he felt the security of his championships, he could feel Ezster’s gaze on him.  He knew he could rely on her.  She would take a bullet for him.  He felt it.  He knew it.  That was love.  Love and adoration.  As much as she loved him, she could never provide the security of his twins, his PWA Dual Championship belts.  And, in the privacy of his own hotel room, later that evening, he would confide in them, that he would, in a couple of weeks, bring home a new brother or sister, a very special sibling.