- Event: HOFC 1
You won’t believe all of the great things you’ll find at Reesemart! Check out our Reesemart Online Store (exclusively on Etsy) and use the promo code HOFC for an exclusive discount on all of your weaponry needs! “I sure wish I had lived to see these incredible deals!” – Max Kael
I’m an entrepreneur and a deathmatch legend. So, Bobby and Jiles, I have no interest in winning this match. When I’d approached Lee Best about buying some ad space for Reesemart, he was not thrilled about my offer to pay him in IOUs. Instead, he offered me the opportunity to use his platform in exchange for some good old fashioned wrestling labor. As a businessman and a warrior prince, I don’t mind getting my hands a little dirty for the sake of building my brand. Also, I didn’t intend to honor the debt anyway, which probably wouldn’t be good for me. With the social injustice that takes place week after week in HOW, the guy must have Bill Cosby’s legal team on retainer, and I’m sure they’d extract every penny plus interest from me in court.
Fellas, the offer is here on the table for you. Whichever one of you provides me with the best incentive to help you beat the other, this triple threat will quickly turn into a handicap match. So what’s it going to be? Will your old pal Christmas QT Reese bite the remaining left tit flab off of Bobby Dean, or will he treat the remaining nut of the appropriately-named Cancer Jiles like a speed bag?
I guess that depends on how quickly and how often you two head on over to the Reesemart Online Store and fill those virtual carts to the brim with my high-quality products this week!
Jiles, now would be a great time for you to buy a 50-gallon drum of my QT Sunglass Lens Cleaner and stock up for the year. It’s only $359.98 if you order today! Just please do not pull the sticker off of the drum when it arrives. And if you do, please ignore the fact that the barrel has a biohazard label on it, because I promise you it’s not really a toxic chemical: I washed all of that out before I put the cleaning product in there.
And Bobby, my man with the plan! Reesemart was designed with you in mind! I’ve got forks, knives, spoons, sporks, and forives — that’s a fork that can also be used as a knife, a Reesemart exclusive by the way — all normally sold as stabbing alternatives in a death match, but you can use them to eat, too! A quick disclaimer: it is NOT that I just painted the cutlery white to hide the rust spots, but to provide my own personal touch to boring old utensils! What better way to start your spiraling descent back into being Bonnie Grape’s stunt double than by doing it in Reesemart style!
See, even though my store has a target market for death match wrestling, we’ve got plenty of products that can cater to everyone here at HOW. I think it’s adorable that this place’s cutting edge stance on being “hardcore” is performing wrestling moves in an MMA octagon, with not so much as a barbed-wire lined water gun that squirts E. coli to be found anywhere. Which, by the way, we have several in stock at Reesemart.
For me, though, my foray into HOW is a long-term play. Once the old blind guy finally kicks the bucket, it’ll make way for charismatic young executives such as Sutler Reynolds-Kael to pick that bucket up and carry it to brand new heights. And I’m banking on that bucket being filled to the brim with thumbtacks and shattered glass, all of which were purchased at the greatest retail chain to ever exist! Heck, maybe Sutler even decides to take advantage of our 20% off deal on buckets and get a new one of those while he’s at it.
But until then, I’ll gladly step into the cage and lay the groundwork for what I think will be a beautiful partnership with this organization. And I’ll set the ambiance right from the start: that QT Reese and Reesemart are here to help their fellow wrestlers, not steal all of the glory (even if I actually deserve it if we’re being honest.) So, scratch my back, Dean. Massage my feet, Maestro. I am at your service. If the price is right, of course.