- Event: Chaos 024
M3
Marvolo’s mother, Marvola, always said he’d grow up to be big and strong—
Sitting at the dinner table, MARVOLO 3 raises a fork to his pie-hole.
M3
As long as he ate his vegetables.
He shovels a mouthful of food down his gullet.
RAQUEL
Marvolo.
RAQUEL dabs the corner of his mouth with a napkin, like a mother would.
M3
Look at Marvolo now, ma! Six-feet six-inches tall, four-hundred pounds of solid muscle—
Marvolo flexes his number 2 pencil-arms.
M3
It’s incredible that Marvolo has the athleticism that he does. Such big, manly men typically can’t do headscissors and tope suicidas!
Raquel bites her lip.
RAQUEL
Numbehr…
Holstering his guns, Marvolo resumes his meal.
M3
Of course, Marvolo’s mum isn’t the only one to appreciate a throbbing, veiny python.
Placing his cutlery down, he picks up an empty drinking glass.
Raquel springs into action, producing an aluminium can.
Zzzt!
She opens the ring-pull and pours the vile, chunky, synthetic red concoction into Marvolo’s glass.
M3
We all know of the viral sensation sweeping the globe. No, not that one. The other one.
#1 raises the frothy brew to his lips and takes a big ole swig.
Glug
Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, the luchador lowers his glass.
Burp!
M3
Pardon me!
He wipes a red trickle from his mouth with the back of his hand, chuckling heartily.
M3
Millions of people are descending on convenience stores, drug stores, and anywhere that sells liquid refreshments. This stuff is flying off the shelves. There’s a booming secondhand market where people buy in bulk and sell at a massive markup. That’s right: the taste sensation, STRONGUMMS, is taking the world by storm!
RAQUEL
STRONKUMMS.
M3
Oh, bugger. Marvolo can’t be bothered to do another take. It sounds similar enough, they won’t notice.
Marvolo dismisses his would-be sponsors with a wave of his hand.
M3
Of course, the energising, meaty, man-fuel wouldn’t exist were it not for STRONG.
RAQUEL
STRONK.
M3
Gosh, these meatheads sorely need elocution lessons…
He tuts.
M3
Marvolo likes you, Stepson.
RAQUEL
Godson.
Flustered at the constant corrections, Marvolo throws his hands up.
M3
Oh, great! Marvolo did a ton of research on step-sons ahead of his match. He had a foolproof plan to get Strong stuck. All these step-relatives are very uncoordinated and really struggle with that.
He sighs.
M3
Now he’ll have to come up with a new gameplan…
Dejected, he jabs his fork into his leftovers, then rams it into his gob.
M3
We’re a lot alike, Strong. We don’t run our mouths about being the best—
!!!
M3
We don’t care for designer clothes or tacky bling—
His sparkling, ruby-red, sequinned mask glitters under the lights.
M3
We’re simple men of simple tastes, with attainable goals.
Tenting his fingers, he reflects pensively.
M3
Marvolo is number one, and wishes to remain so.
You wish to be a big boy slapping meat. You already were a big boy slapping meat, but then there was the incident at Azkaban…
RAQUEL
Alcatraz.
#1 shakes his head solemnly.
M3
It’s admirable that you came back from that. Marvolo has had some pretty brutal headaches of his own.
He gulps down some more carbonated meaty broth.
Glug
M3
You wish to have what you once had. We all can relate to that.
Marvolo was born and raised on a farm back home in Molvanîa. From a young age, he helped his parents to fertilise.
…
M3
Whilst working the land and caring for the livestock, he made fast friends with the family hog – Pigzilla. Marvolo would ride him around the pen, roll in the mud with him, and fall asleep on him.
Recalling his citation-needed childhood memories, he laughs fondly.
M3
That swine got us through some hard times…
One day, though, Marvolo Sr. woke Marvolo to inform him that Pigzilla, who weighed three-thousand pounds, had jumped the twelve-feet fence and escaped into the wild.
His eyes glisten.
M3
Marvolo often wonders if Pigzilla is still out there…
Blinking back tears, he loads another forkful of food into his maw.
M3
That yearning desire Marvolo has to once again see Pigzilla, is the same heartache you feel for those seventy-pounds of muscle.
He places his hand over his bosom.
M3
But do you know what Marvolo learned? When we lose something, it doesn’t mean we can’t be whole again.
For a long time after Pigzilla ran away, there was a piece of Marvolo missing. One fateful day, however, he was able to complete the jigsaw of his broken heart.
Marvolo holds out his hand. A speechless Raquel takes it.
M3
Marvolo was blessed to find in Raquel the same companionship that he found in that great big, hairy, sweaty, stinky pig.
#1 gazes fondly into Raquel’s misty eyes. He releases her manicured hand from his.
M3
You literally lost a piece of yourself. You can be whole again, but you’ve a long way to go. The wound is fresh and it hurts. Take Marvolo’s advice: it won’t heal if you pick the scab.
Marvolo stands up from his seat. This has far less dramatic effect than he presumably hoped for, as the top of his head barely clears the dining table.
M3
Look inside yourself—easy, now you’re seventy pounds lighter—and find your own sweaty, stinky, hairy pig. You may realise that you don’t need all that muscle, after all. You’re not an a-hole; Marvolo wants you to be whole.
He snatches the STRONKUMMS can off the table.
M3
Until you find that, at Chaos 24, Marvolo is going to take another little piece of your heart now, baby.
Marvolo is number one!
RAQUEL
Marvolo es numbehr wahn.
Crumple
Marvolo crushes the can in his hand.