Well, it would be, if I weren’t all alone.
My kid decided to go with her mom. My mom decided to take a trip out to Louisiana to gamble her money away on some penny slots. My friends… Well, the Bandits have been broken up for a while now, so who knows what they’re up to.
So that leaves little ole me, all by my lonesome.
You’d think this would be the happiest day of my life. I mean, a day full of eating, and for once I won’t be stared at, or judged with those judgy eyes as I stuff my face full of turkey, ham, stuffing, deviled eggs, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn bread, 7-up salad (which isn’t actually a salad at all, it’s a mixture of 7Up, lime Jell-O, cream cheese, pineapple chunks and pecans!).
Man, my mouth is watering!
Sadly, I find myself sitting at a table with a microwaved turkey dinner from a company called Hungry Man. Judging by the size of this “dinner” I’m beginning to wonder if they even know what a hungry man looks like! Nevermind the fact that this crap tastes like ass.
After another mouthful of regret I roughly shove the half eaten meal away. Climbing to my feet I walk towards the door, angrily snatching my car keys on the way out. A few minutes later I was on the road, without a destination in mind.
I’ve done the unthinkable!
I have won back to back matches!
I honestly can’t remember the last time I have won consecutive matches in High Octane. Not even back in the day when I was a halfway decent wrestler! Shit, by now I should be filling up a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and waiting for a wellness check from Lee. He’s probably scrambling to look at the thermostat outside his house right now, seeing if it’s reading below freezing.
You know, because he lives in Hell…
When I agreed to this Best of 7 series with Solex I never imagined that I would ever be in the lead. Especially after Lee dropped the bombshell of a possible firing, I legit had my house packed up and was ready to move in with my mom! Now, here I am 2-1, thinking to myself, could I end up earning myself a vacation for ICONIC weekend?
While Mike Best cock teases everyone with a title defense, I’ll be poolside lounging my fat ass in the sun while some poor hotel lady hand feeds me grapes doused in white chocolate! Sure I may be counting the chickens before the eggs are hatched, but we all know I’m an eGGspert.
I’m walking into this weekend’s match with a confidence I haven’t felt in years! Plus, I’m in charge of the stipulation once more, so I feel like I’ve got all this power at my fingertips just ready to burst!
Then again, it usually is around this time that the world comes crashing down atop my head. My streak ends. Solex ties the series 2-2. My weekend off at ICONIC goes away. And I’m once again the fat loser that everyone overlooks and treats as an easy gimmie win.
Better yet, I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that my first match outside of this Gentleman’s Agreement will end up being against Mike Best, because he needs his ego stroked and everyone knows that there is no one better at stroking than ole Bobby Dean.
I know, I know. I should be focusing on the good things in life. Stop worrying about the imminent doom that is destined to overwhelm me…
Man, I could really use a friend right about now.
*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*
The door opens and a confused looking Doozer stands in front of me, looking around as if he were on an episode of Punk’d. Not seeing any poorly hidden cameras he looks at me and crosses his arms across his chest.
“What are you doing here!?” he asks, blocking the entryway.
I stand there awkwardly, shuffling my foot shyly while avoiding his penetrating gaze. I don’t know why or even how I ended up at his house. I just know one second I’m driving, the next I’m on a familiar street in front of a familiar house, standing before a familiar face.
“Uhm…” I mumble, “I just wanted to see if you were doing anything for eGGsgiving.”
A small smile begins to form, as Doozer begins to shake his head. His arms slowly come back down to his side and he steps back from the door, offering me entry. “Yeah, come on in Bobbo.”
A few minutes later the two of us are seated at his huge dining room table, a myriad of Thanksgiving staples sit before us, as a familiar voice calls out from the adjoining kitchen.
“When Dooze said a Bobbi showed up, I thought it was the other Bobbi, and I was getting ready to get the fuck outta here before she started yammering about cosplay clothes or her period or other shit no one gives a fuck about,” the voice of Lindsay Troy calls out.
I lean over to Dooze and whisper, “How did you manage to talk the eGG Queen herself into coming here!?”
Doozer shakes his head in wonder, “I didn’t. Like you, she simply showed up with a trunk full of food. Didn’t even say hello before she pushed past me. I still don’t know how she even knew where my house was!”
“I know everything, dumbass!” Troy’s voice calls back out, and our whispering conversation is interrupted by another knock on the front door.
“What now!?” Dooze exclaims in annoyance.
Being the fat nosey bastard that I am, I quickly follow him to the front door to see who it could be.
Dooze roughly swings the door open and the two of us are greeted with yet another familiar face. Sure the face was two dimensional, but our joyous surprise was genuine nonetheless, as we both shouted out, “CARDBOARD DAN!!!!!”
CBD in the… flesh… stood on the doorstep, looking stern and hungry. Amazing since I thought the Bruvs killed him in that fire! Cardboard Dan didn’t reply, considering he was made of cardboard and all, but the T-shade wearing, bleached blonde, sometimes asshole, known as Cancer Jiles appeared from behind the cardboard cutout with a smile on his face.
“Boys.” Cancer Jiles calls out while holding a casserole dish filled with chocolate brownies in hand. “Figured ole CBD could be my plus one to this little impromptu gathering.”
“Now all we need is Z…” I’m cut off as a brand new Toyota Tacoma pulls up in the driveway, horn blaring.
“ZEB!” the three-and-a-half voices of Dooze, Cancer, myself, and CBD call out as the redneck from Comer is hanging out the window waving at us like a maniac. A happy maniac at that.
“Howdy boys! Shore is good to see y’all!”
“I don’t know why you’re all here,” Dooze begins, as we’re all seated around the table. Plates piled high with food sit before us, as we take a minute before digging in. “Especially considering how I literally didn’t invite any of you…”
“I’ve literally been to four other houses before yours!” I say, interrupting. “Today’s like Trick or Treating but with waaaaay better food!”
Dooze can’t help but smile, as he shakes his head before continuing, “Whatever the reason, I just want to say thank you all for coming. This has made for the perfect Thanksgiving.”
“Happy eGGsgiving!” The room erupts with cheer as we all begin to dig in. Some, me, with more gusto than others. Cardboard Dan barely touches his food, as I hold a fork in each one of my hands, simply shoveling the food down my gullet without even bothering to chew.
“What the fuck?” Cancer calls out under his breath, drawing all of our eyes across the room.
Standing outside in the cold, peering in with a look of longing is the familiar face of Steve Solex. Solex, noticing that he’s been spotted, looks around as if he is considering bolting. Instead he leans forward, breathing heavily onto the window, causing the window to frost.
“What’s he doing?” Dooze asks with concern, considering it was his house this loon was tampering with!
Solex, having created a nice big space of frost, begins to draw out a large egg shape with his finger. Inside the egg he places a series of hearts. One for each of us in the room, plus one extra…
With his art work complete, Solex offers a wink in my direction before turning and high tailing it out of there. Leaving the six of us to look at one another in confusion.
“Maybe we should have asked him to come in, we have a seat for one more…” the eGG Queen says to no one in particular.
“Di’n’t he try t’throw you off th’balcony at Madison Square Garden?” Zeb asks.
“I mean…yeah,” Troy concedes. “But it’s a holiday. No one should be alone on the holidays.”
Jiles scowls at Mom’s comment and then snidely adds, “I can think of one person… so vile… so devious… who left a fern to die inside her one car garage.”
The Queen of the Ring side-arms a dinner roll at Cancer’s head, which he barely ducks in time. Luckily, I catch it in my mouth like a seal catching a fish before it hits the floor.
“Some things never change,” Dooze smiles and shakes his head.
It was good being back with friends.
(Disclaimer: Solex approved of his cameo. Mike did not approve of all the constant name dropping.)