Latest Roleplays
Happy Birthday, To Me
Happy Birthday, To Me
Happy Birthday, Scott Woodson
Happy Birthday, To Me
That Teddy, that’s a song that’s part of the public domain and doesn’t require HOW to license that shit for you to pretend you’re Matt Damon.
Sorry, despite looking like an offspring of a mop that fucked Ronald McDonald on top of the fryolator… I have learned many things in the HOW corporate world. Like copyright infringement. Or how to make a better dreadlock joke about myself than you’re ever gonna muster from that empty fucking skull dumpster.
The pretty ones are always the dumbest Fionafuckers.
Sorry I let you down though in the looks department Teddy. Wasn’t aware that affected how much fucking blood I can drain from your body inside that HOFC cage. That this was some kind of beauty contest. Keep the swimsuit in the suitcase, you won’t need it.
I’m long past caring about looking COOL Teddy. Something I certainly proved two weeks ago. Wink, wink. Sorry I manage to hold a corporate job looking like a fucking disgrace. Wouldn’t wanna sully the holy reputation that HOW has acquired over the years. OH NO! We stab motherfuckers in the eye and people die in that fucking ring! Do you think Lee Best is fucking Tim Cook, Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos? Come the fuck on Teddy. No one gives a fuck that the COO has red dreads and a few lip rings, that far from the biggest concern in those offices.
I told you I was expecting better… way better… especially for my birthday.
Did you know it was my birthday two days ago Teddy?
I’m sure you did, considering you care so much about how fucking old The Hardcore Artist is.
Forty-Three to be exact.
Now I know at my age I’ll never be as awesome as you are. That flowing hair, meticulously maintained and of a wonderful natural color. LBI winner. A former Junior hockey player. Did I say LBI winner? Oh… and Pornstar!
I’ll admit Teddy, I’ve never made a porno. If you thought all my scars don’t look good on HOTv, just imagine them on film during sex. There’s a mental picture I’ll leave you all with for the night. I can smell Teddy rubbing his Woodson out right now, shit is smolder! But good for you man… I’m sure you’ve been in some big name films… right?
Teddy Tastes Tampons
Palmer Picked His Pickled Pecker
Red & Ted Fucking Suck
Sorry… that’s not a porno name… just stating facts.
Teddy Triple Dekes His Dick
Putin’s Pussy Pisses Palmer
City of Angels 24K Golden Showers
It’s 24kGoldn? And it’s who sings his theme song? Oh, whoops, sorry bro. Mistakes like that make me wanna die… young.
Teddy Palmer’s Dirty Dangle
That’s one of his moves? My bad. I really thought his HOW bio was his porn resume. Damnit! Ok, I got one more here…
Teddy Tickles Ted
That’s not a gay porn… that’s one where Teddy fucks the bear from Ted while Seth MacFarlane sits off to the side doing the sound effects. Does that count as a furry flick?
Giggty, Giggty…. Giiiiiiiiiiggty!
So fucking jealous man… you’re seriously a fucking legend… literally. I mean I feel bad that I have to be the one that fucks up that pretty little face of yours. Ruins the possibility of a sequel to Teddy Tastes Tampons… you were so hungry for it.
Don’t worry Ted, you’ll get The Hardcore Artist your requesting come Refueled. Even if you have no idea what you’re asking for. But sure, keep talking out of that gaping pornstar asshole of yours. Keep telling yourself the lie that you could ever put me through enough pain where I’d actually quit. Terrifying! You gonna crucify me again? Electrocution? Staple my mouth shut? Bash the other half of my brain in? No? You think your bare hands can do the job though? I mean, they have done so many other ones. But it’s a promise I’ve heard too many times before.
It’s not that I don’t think that my day will come… it will… as it will for us all. But it will not be this week Teddy… and it will not be from your handy hand.
But let’s go. Lock the prison door. Cause in the end, it is gonna be you Teddy, washing your crimson #97FuckingLoserRed blood from those sullied locks.
Dread that.
And Happy Birthday To Me!