Hammer

Bang, bang, bang!

M3
Yeah, how do you like that!?

Bang, bang, bang!

RAQUEL
Marvolo!

Bang, bang, bang!

M3
That’s right, say Marvolo’s name!

RAQUEL
Numbehr!

Bang, bang, bang!

MARVOLO 3 swings a hammer into the nails protruding from a length of two-by-four.

RAQUEL bites her lip as she watches the pint-sized luchador toil away in the backyard.

M3
Ok, now let’s try it his way again…

Placing the hammer to one side, Marvolo mops his masked brow, then rolls his shoulders to loosen up.

M3
Marvolo failed the other nine times, but he’s sure that he’s got the technique down now!

Slapping his elbow, he lines up a shot. Wait, surely he’s not going to—

Thud!

M3
Aaarrggghhh!!!

Marvolo spikes his elbow into the head of a nail!

Shockingly, he does not succeed in driving it into the lumber. Instead, he rolls on the lawn, clutching his arm.

RAQUEL
Wahn!

The spicy Latina rushes to Marvolo’s aid, removing her heels and kneeling beside him on the grass.

M3
Fear not, Marvolo is fine!

#1 climbs to his feet. He examines the numerous, red indentations in his elbow which prove the opposite.

Raquel slips her heels back on and furrows her brow in concern.

M3
Marvolo will crack this nut!

Molvanîa’s Favourite Son socks his palm gingerly.

M3
Don Bryan claims to wield the Hammer of God—

RAQUEL
Dan Ryan.

Marvolo no-sells his valet’s correction.

M3
Seeing the way he decked Steven Scott’s halls—

RAQUEL
Scott Stevens.

M3
With that sprinting, rolling, jumping, flipping, roaring, dinosaur-ing elbow smash, Marvolo thinks that he may be telling the truth.

He nods to himself.

M3
Even if you’re not of the faith, the ten pounds of gold on emerald green leather fastened around his waist ought to make you a believer.

Marvolo claps his hands together and looks up at the heavens.

M3
And it’s that same Hotty Championship—

RAQUEL
HOTv.

M3
That has Marvolo believing, alright. He has spent the entire day trying to rival the explosiveness and lethality of Don’s elbow, but you simply can’tpack the twenty-plus years of training that he’s had into just eight hours.

He sighs.

M3
Marvolo is, of course, a seriously manly man, but even he can’t can’t callus his elbows to the degree that Bryan has! It’s like his arms are joined by concrete instead of bone and sinew…

Raquel wrings her hands at Marvolo’s crisis of confidence.

M3
Wait a minute…

#1 snaps his fingers.

M3
Of course – it’s so obvious!

Huh?

M3
That lightning strike of an elbow isn’t the only hammer that Don has on his toolbelt.
There’s also The Headliner – a devastating burning hammer!

Raquel side-eyes him uncertainly.

M3
It was, after all, the burning hammer which scored Bryan the pin over Joeberg!

Raquel pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes.

M3
Ice is, naturally, the opposite of fire. So if Marvolo is to overcome the burning hammer, he must counter it with a freezing hammer!

Smug with his genius intellect, Marvolo spins to address his manager.

M3
Raquel, Marvolo needs 50cc of ice – stat!

Heeding her instruction, Raquel rushes back inside the house.

Marvolo rubs his hands together deviously.

M3
It’s going to be ice to meet you, Don. Maybe after the match, we can chill out!?

Stifling a laugh, Marvolo jumps when Raquel returns, carrying an ice cube tray.

M3
About time. Ice, ice, baby!

Marvolo holds out his elbow. Raquel awkwardly sprinkles a couple of ice cubes off of it, Salt Bae-style, and they fall to the floor anti-climactically.

M3
IIIIICEEE HAMMERRRRRR!

#1 unloads with a furious elbow strike into the two-by-four!

M3
Aaaarrrrggghhhhhh!!!

Once again, the Third of His Name drops to the ground and writhes in agony.

Raquel helps him to his feet and dusts him off.

M3
T-that didn’t work the w-way that Marvolo t-thought it would…

The pained luchador sucks air through his teeth as he nurses his swollen elbow.

M3
That’s ok, though, because Marvolo has had yet another urethra moment!

A lightbulb pings over his head.

M3
Ice was never going to work. You have to fight fire with fire!

Oh, Christ…

M3
Luckily, Marvolo always carries an accelerant and a source of ignition on his person. As Smokey Bear says: only you can start fires!

Producing a can of lighter fluid from within his singlet, Marvolo pours it over his own elbow, wrinkling his nose at the odour.

M3
Raquel, burn this hammer!

He tosses a lighter to Raquel, who diligently flips it open, thumb primed on the wheel.

She leans in, ready to spark it—

M3
Oh, wait – even better idea!

Raquel squeals as she fumbles the lighter, having come this close to burning Marvolo to death.

M3
Fire and ice is all well and good, but they only counter elemental hammers. Marvolo needs to render the hammer itself useless.
Think about it, Raquel: what is on the opposite side of a hammer?

Raquel shrugs.

RAQUEL
Peen?

Marvolo gasps.

M3
Well, Marvolo won’t be using that in the match!

He clucks his tongue in disappointment.

M3
Marvolo was talking, of course, about the claw.

Picking up his discarded hammer, he flips it over in his hands to reveal the claw side.

M3
You see, Don can come swinging at Marvolo with all his might. He may even strike true, driving Marvolo flush to the mat, but it won’t matter – for Marvolo possesses the claw.

He threads the head of a nail through the claw opening.

M3
You’re a skilled handyman, Bryan, but Marvolo isn’t bad at doing it himself, either.

Raquel twirls her auburn hair around a manicured finger.

M3
You can nail Marvolo all night long, but all he needs is a split-second, an opening, to slap that claw on you and get that hammer out of your hands.

Marvolo pries the handle of the hammer towards himself, pulling the nail out of the two-by-four. Holding the nail aloft in triumph, he flashes his gold-toothed politician’s smile.

M3
And when he hoists that Hotty Championship high into the sky, the whole world will believe that Marvolo is number one!

RAQUEL
Marvolo es numbehr wahn!