WELL WELL WELL WELL WELL.
IF IT ISN’T BRIAN HOLLYWOOD. THE WANNABE GREAT SCOTT. SMALL BABY BRIAN. I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU BRIAN ACTUALLY IT IS A LOT OF QUESTIONS BUT TODAY IS AFRICAN AMERICAN FRIDAY AND I HAVE A LOT OF TELEVISIONS TO BUY FOR THE GREAT ESCAPE SO I WILL ONLY ASK ONE QUESTION:
HOW DARE YOU.
OKAY THAT IS NOT A QUESTION LET ME TRY AGAIN: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? THAT IS NOT RHETORICAL BRIAN IT IS A REAL QUESTION BECAUSE YOU HAVE A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON AND I DO NOT THINK YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. FIRST YOU WERE THAT GUY FROM AMERICAN SNIPER AND THEN YOU WERE A RICH GUY AND THEN MAYBE YOU WERE A BROKE GUY AND YOU ARE ALWAYS ANGRY AND ABOUT TO HAVE A BIG CAREER COMEBACK. I DON’T KNOW MAN IT IS JUST A LOT. I CANNOT KEEP UP BECAUSE IT IS A LOT.
YOU USED TO BE A HERO OF MINE.
OKAY THAT IS A SECOND QUESTION SO I GUESS I AM A LIAR. BUT THAT IS ALSO NOT RHETORICAL. WHAT HAPPENED? YOU WERE THE COOLEST GUY IN THE WORLD TO ME WHEN I BECAME A WRESTLING LEGEND IN 2019. I BOUGHT A 40 STORY MANSION BECAUSE OF YOU. I BOUGHT A FANCY IPHONE 16 WITH 6G INTERNET BECAUSE OF YOU. YOU COULD SAY IN A WAY THAT THERE WOULD BE NO GREAT SCOTT WITHOUT BRIAN HOLLYWOOD AND THAT IS A SHOOT BROTHER. YOU WERE THE OCTANE WRESTLING WORLD CHAMPION AND A PENGUIN LEGEND AND YOU HUNG OUT WITH THE KFC GUY AND HAD ALL THE CHICKEN A MAN COULD WANT BUT NOW LOOK AT YOU BRIAN.
LOOK AT YOU.
I DID NOT KNOW YOU EVEN STILL WORKED HERE.
DO NOT GET ME WRONG IT IS VERY COOL TO HAVE A MATCH AGAINST THE GREATEST WRESTLER IN THE HISTORY OF TWO MONTHS IN 2016 SO I AM NOT THROWING SHADE. THIS MATCH IS LIKE KOBE WRESTLING MICHAEL JORDAN IF MICHAEL JORDAN HAD A SNIPER RIFLE AND A LOT OF SECRET DEALINGS WITH THE GOVERNMENT. THIS MATCH IS LIKE TOM BRADY’S PATRIOTS FACING PEYTON MANNING’S BRONCOS IF PEYTON MANNING WAS VERY FOND OF SWORDS. IN FACT THIS IS BIGGER THAN THAT BECAUSE THIS IS A MATCH BETWEEN TWO LEGENDS WHO USED TO HAVE MANSIONS BUT NOW BOTH OF THEM LIVE IN THEIR CARS EXCEPT THAT I LIVE IN MY CAR ON PURPOSE.
BRIAN I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN AWAY AT CIA CAMP LEARNING JAMES BOND THINGS SO LET ME GET YOU UP TO SPEED: I AM THE HOT VEE CHAMPION AND I HAVE BEEN HOT VEE CHAMPION FOR A LONG TIME NOW. I WON THE TITLE FROM COWBOB CLAYPANTS RIGHT AFTER THE COWBOY SUPERSHOW AND SINCE THEN I HAVE BECOME THE FACE OF STRONKUMMS AFTER STRONK DIED AND ALSO THE GREATEST LIVING CHAMPION IN THE HISTORY OF THE HOT VEE TITLE BESIDES JACE PARKOUR JAMISON. I AM BETTER THAN JEFFREY JEFFREY JAMES JAMES ROBERTS ROBERTS AND THAT WEIRD GUY WITH THE MASK WHO GOT LOST IN THE ABYSS AND EVEN STRONK BECAUSE I SAID LIVING AND STRONK IS DEAD. I DO NOT REMEMBER WHO ELSE HELD THE HOT VEE TITLE BESIDES ALL OF THEM BUT I AM DEFINITELY THE BEST BECAUSE I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I AM THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS BAYBEE. SO ANYWAY THAT IS ME AND THAT IS WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE SO NOW LET’S GET CAUGHT UP ON YOU.
WHAT IS NEW MAN?
WHAT TITLES HAVE YOU HELD IN HOW SINCE THE PRESIDENT BECAME WHITE AGAIN? TELL ME ABOUT SOME OF THE BIG MATCHES THAT YOU HAVE WON. YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH AN INSPIRATION TO MY CAREER AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT ALL OF THE COOL THINGS YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED HERE SINCE HOW REOPENED IN 2019. I TRIED TO LOOK IT UP ON GOOGLE BUT THE GOVERNMENT MUST HAVE REDACTED ALL OF IT BECAUSE NOTHING SHOWED UP SO PLEASE FILL ME IN. I REMEMBER A LOT OF PROMOS FROM YOU ABOUT HOW YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE A COMEBACK AND WIN THE WORLD TITLE AND YOU ARE VERY RELIABLE SO I AM VERY EXCITED TO HEAR ABOUT ALL THE COOL STUFF YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED AND I WILL BE CHECKING AT 11:59 TO READ ALL ABOUT IT. I REMEMBER THAT YOU WERE THE HOT VEE CHAMPION FOR SEVEN DAYS ONCE. YOU WON THE TITLE FROM CUTIE REESE AND THEN LOST IT TO JEFFREY JEFFREY JEFFREY JAMES JAMES JAMES ROBERTS ROBERTS ROBERTS. THAT’S SO COOL THAT YOU AND I ONCE HELD THE SAME TITLE EVEN THOUGH YOU ONLY HELD IT FOR A WEEK AND THEN LOST IT TO A CEREAL KILLER WHO BOUGHT ALL OF HIS PROMOS OFF OF THE INTERNET.
OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH PLEASANTRIES.
EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE ONE OF THE REASONS THAT GREAT SCOTT EXISTS I HAVE TO PUT MY ADMIRATION ASIDE AND FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT I AM GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE PENIS UNTIL YOU DIE AT CHAOS THIS WEEK. I KNOW THAT IS MAYBE A HARSH WAY TO BEAT SOMEONE BUT YOU ARE THE LEGENDARY BRIAN HOLLYWOOD AND I DO NOT THINK A SIMPLE GAME OF PUNCH KICK IS GOING TO GET THE JOB DONE. NO SIR IT IS PURE PENIS DESTRUCTION OR BUST BECAUSE AS THE GREATEST HOT VEE CHAMPION IN HISTORY I WOULD BE A FOOL TO LET IT ALL GO TO WASTE AGAINST A MAN WHO WON EVERY TITLE IN HOW THAT ONE TIME THAT NO ONE WAS REALLY IN HOW ANYMORE. PLEASE KNOW THAT I DO NOT WANT TO KICK YOU IN THE PENIS UNTIL YOU DIE IT IS JUST THAT I HAVE TO. IT IS KINDA MY THING. I HAVE SAID FOR A LONG TIME THAT I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU BUT I HAVE NEVER KILLED ANYONE. IT IS CHEKOV’S MURDER. IT HAS TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY OR IT IS A STUPID CATCHPHRASE LIKE SAYING THAT SOMETHING IS AN EXECUTIVE PROMISE.
SO I HAVE NO CHOICE BRIAN.
HAVE TO DO WEINER MURDER ON YOU.
I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU AND I WILL DO IT BY PUTTING THE TIP OF MY BOOT INTO THE TIP OF YOUR PENIS AND PUSHING VERY VERY HARD AND MAYBE THAT IS A WEIRD WAY TO DESCRIBE A KICK BUT DESCRIBING A KICK IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT. I HOPE THAT YOUR GHOST CAN FORGIVE ME AS IT WADDLES AROUND PENGUIN HEAVEN AND THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I HAD TO DO THIS. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE MANSION MILLIONAIRE UNDERDOG WHO IS ALWAYS ABOUT TO HAVE HIS BIG BREAK BRIAN AND AS THAT ACTOR FROM SUICIDE SQUAD ONE SAID, YOUR TIME IS UP AND MY TIME IS NOW.
RIP YOUR PENIS.
I LOVE YOU.
“Well, you for sure can’t murder anyone.”
The frowning man is wearing an expensive suit, which is how you can tell that he is probably very knowledgeable at his job. He has an expensive briefcase, expensive sunglasses, and he drove here in a very expensive car. All of these things cost money, and this man has a lot of it, which means that he probably excels at what he does.
And what exactly does he do?
He’s the on-retainer attorney for STRONKUMMS, LLC.
ATTORNEY: Scott, we are running a burgeoning empire here. Do you understand that?
GREAT SCOTT: I HAVE HEARD THAT WORD BEFORE YES.
The attorney softly nods, tapping his pen against the table. He makes a mental note to charge more than just his standard fee for this meeting.
ATTORNEY: Okay, well I don’t believe you, but it doesn’t really matter. Fact is, Scott, that you are the face of a brand that is… at any given moment… one particularly thin cunt hair from being shut down by the governments of at least thirty six countries. They sell meat based energy drinks infused with cocaine and steroids, Scott. Internal projections have STRONKUMMS killing more kids than school shootings by the year 2026, and these are in-house, conservative estimates. Plainly put, STRONKUMMS is on thin ice, and we absolutely can’t have you doing murder. It just isn’t going to work.
Shuffling awkwardly in his chair, GREAT SCOTT frowns, crossing his arms in front of him. He has never particularly liked being told what to do, but he definitely is finding that he doesn’t like being told what not to do. First, the CEO tries to tell him that he can’t say “Pirate God” anymore, and now some suited up attorney is trying to police his ability to do dick murder?
The absolute audacity.
GREAT SCOTT: I UNDERSTAND YOUR POSITION SIR BUT I AM AFRAID THAT MY HANDS ARE TIED. I HAVE PROMISED TO KICK A MAN IN THE DICK UNTIL HE DIES AND I AM NOT A LIAR. I AM AN HONEST SCOTT AND A CHAMPION OF THE PEOPLE.
The attorney reaches into his pocket, slowly pulling a pack of cigarettes out of the inside of his suit jacket. He’s been trying to quit– been on the gum now for six full weeks, but GREAT SCOTT can test the patience of even the most battle tested professionals. He lights the tip of the Marlboro with a nearly shaking hand.
The first puff of smoke rolls out of him like a cloud of relief.
ATTORNEY: I… listen, man. I’m just gonna level with you, alright?
He looks around to ensure that the door is closed, and then slowly closes the blinds. His words take a hushed tone, as he looks Scott in the eyes.
ATTORNEY: …look. You think I give a fuck if you kill a guy? It doesn’t make a liquid fuck of a difference to me if you slit his throat, drink his blood, and then have animal sex with his corpse in the middle of a wrestling ring. But I’m tired, Scott. I don’t have it in me today to do this with you. This company is a fucking dumpster fire. I have an entire filing cabinet full of pending lawsuits against Jerkoff Parker Davidson. Tits turn this guy into a walking billboard for cancellation. I’ve got a mountain of paperwork with all of the restructuring this company is doing while STRONK is away.
He takes a long drag off the cigarette, slowly filling the room in a stale cloud.
ATTORNEY: I have the FDA breathing down my neck, I’m going through a divorce, and somehow… SOMEHOW… an injunction from a CHINESE FUCKING PATENT COMPANY over the recipe for STRONKUMMS. Can you just… not fucking kill a guy? Can you do that for me, Scott? You’re a wrestler. You exaggerate. You say all kinds of shit. It isn’t lying. It’s hype. It’s promotion. Just because you say you’re gonna rip a guy’s head off and shit down his neck doesn’t mean you gotta drop a hot log after the final bell, you feel me?
Scott takes this in, inhaling a deep breath of secondhand smoke.
This is frustrating. High Octane Wrestling was supposed to be the place where anything goes. It’s the place where Michael Lee Best murdered his own brother in a literal deathmatch. The place where Graystone’s ashes were carried around in an actual coffee can. People lose eyes, lose wives, and lose lives in this place. But for the last few weeks, it’s been nothing but rules. Don’t say Pirate God. Don’t bring the bear to ringside. Don’t kill a guy. Was this a playground of freedom or not?
Even still, the attorney seemed like a nice guy.
Despite the cigarette smoke.
GREAT SCOTT: OKAY COMPROMISE. WHAT IF I JUST PUT HIM IN A WHEELCHAIR WOULD THAT BE OKAY?
The attorney can’t help himself.
He bursts out laughing, half from the shock of the question and half from the absolute absurdity of his life. He shakes his head, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples.
ATTORNEY: I mean… yeah. That’s… that’s fine. Put him in a fuckin’ wheelchair, who cares.
GREAT SCOTT: OKAY GREAT BECAUSE AS LONG AS I KICK HIM IN THE PENIS UNTIL HIS LEGS DON’T WORK I FEEL LIKE I WAS HONEST WITH MY FANBASE. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THEM THAT I MAINTAIN MY STATUS AS AN HONEST HOT VEE CHAMPION AND I PROMISED A LOT OF PENIS KICKING. I HAVE BEEN THE HOT VEE CHAMPION FOR NINETY ONE DAYS AND IF I BEAT UP BRIAN HOLLYWHEELS THEN I WILL HAVE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL DEFENSES OF ALL TIME MINUS THAT GUY WHO CUT ALL OF HIS PROMOS OFF THE BACKS OF CEREAL BOXES BECAUSE HE DOESN’T COUNT. AND THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. IT IS A RECORD AND I HAVE NEVER HELD A RECORD BEFORE.
That’s true, by the way.
A victory over Brian Hollywood this week would cement GREAT SCOTT as the winningest HOTv Champion in history, minus Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey James James James James Roberts Roberts Roberts Roberts who does not count for reasons. Scott Gratesburgh, a man who was once ridiculed by High Octane Wrestling, is now one of it’s most prestigious champions, and a member of Lee Best’s final stable. An OCW nobody, now a main eventer in the two top promotions in the entire wrestling world. Can you believe it? Because sometimes, I can’t fucking believe it, and I’m his narrator. A grown man with a live bear for a pet, who is always half screaming, is slowly approaching the top of the wrestling industry.
That’s so fucking cool, man.
So thank you. It’s Thanksgiving, which means now is the perfect time to really say a sincere thanks to Lee Best, to Lindsay Troy, to Melvin Beauregard, and to all of you for embracing a guy like GREAT SCOTT and really giving him the ability to–
ATTORNEY: I honestly… HONESTLY… don’t give a fuck, Scott. Just don’t kill anyone. OKAYBYEEEEE.
He stubs the cigarette out on his desk, snatching his briefcase and bolting out of the office. Literally four more seconds with GREAT SCOTT would have given him a migraine, and he doesn’t even wait for the narration to finish before getting the fuck out of dodge.
The HOTv Champion sits alone, thinking about murder and wheelchairs.
He’s GREAT SCOTT, but at least for this week?
He won’t fucking kill you.