ADAM ELLIS IS A BIG TRAITOR.
I SAID IT. THESE JABRONI MARKS WHO WORK THEMSELVES INTO A SHOOT WON’T SAY IT BUT JERBOI WILL. HE IS A SELL OUT. A TRAITOR TO MISSISSIPPI VALLEY AND OCTANE WRESTLING. A DEFECTOR LIKE WHEN COMMUNISM WAS HAPPENING AND ALL THOSE HOCKEY PLAYERS SNUCK OVER HERE ON THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD. MELVIN’S SECRETARY LYNNZEE BATTED HER EYELASHES AT ADAM AND CONVINCED HIM TO BE AN AMAZON PRIMETIME EXCLUSIVE AND NOW HE IS HERE FOR A SHOT AT MY HOT VEE.
YOU ARE NOT ON HOT VEE ADAM.
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE JUST JOHN SEKTOR BEING AFRAID TO LOSE AT HOFC AND PEPPERONI FARMS REMEMBERS TOO. NOW YOU ARE JUST SOME GUY WHO ONLY WEARS BLUE UNLIKE ME JERBOI GREAT SCOTT WHO IS BOTH A CRIP AND A BLOOD AND CAN WEAR PURPLE IF HE WANTS TO. SO YOU KNOW WHAT ADAM? I AM GLAD THAT YOU ARE FACING ME ON THE GOING HOME SHOW FOR HOW OCTANEMANIA BECAUSE I HAVE WANTED TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE FOR A LONG TIME AND NOW PIRATE GOD IS GOING TO PAY ME TO DO IT AND IT WILL NOT EVEN BE A MISTER MEANER.
I AM THE MR. MEANER NOW.
I AM MEANER THAN YOU.
LAST WEEK I ALMOST DICK KICKED BRIAN HOLLYWOOD INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION AND NOW HE ONLY HAS ONE TESTICLE AND THAT IS A FACT YOU CAN READ ON STEVENSPEDIA. BRIAN HOLLYWOOD IS A ONE BALL GUY NOW. AND HE IS THE INSPIRATION FOR ME SO YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT I AM WILLING TO DO TO YOU ADAM.
IMAGINE WHAT YOUR DICK IS GOING TO FEEL LIKE.
I WILL CRUSH YOUR WHOLE DICK ADAM.
THAT IS MY THING NOW IN OCTANE WRESTLING I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOUR PENIS. WHEN YOU GET TO THE PENIS WING OF THE HOSPITAL TELL BRIAN HOLLYWOOD THAT I SAID HELLO AND THAT I AM NOW THE PENIS DESTROYER AND IF YOU GET YOUR PENIS NEAR MY HOT VEE I WILL BREAK IT LIKE THE HOT VEE RECORD FOR MOST DEFENSES.
ANYWAY HAVE A GREAT DAY ADAM.
OH AND USE YOUR PENIS TODAY.
WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
NINE MONTHS AGO
A FORTY STORY MANSION IN FLORIDA
“TODAY I AM A MAN.”
Sweat pours from the brow of Scott Gratesburgh, the front of his long, flowing hair matted to his forehead as he stares up at the ceiling. It has been a long time coming, but today was finally the day. It has finally happened.
GREAT SCOTT: I JUST MADE CUM IN A LADY.
Indeed he did.
In fact, she’s still here. With the sheets pulled up past her breasts like in a classy PG-13 movie with a sex scene, the unfortunate recipient of the GREAT SEED lays next to him, vaping from a cigarette-like pen as the kids these day often do.
Wait, let me double back.
She’s not a fucking kid.
Jesus I phrased that poorly. I meant it like the idiom, you know… “kids these days”. I didn’t mean, like… okay look, you get it. I’m getting into the weeds. She’s a grown woman. He’s a grown man. And he’s just made his cum cums inside of her for the first time in his life.
GREAT SCOTT: LET ME JUST TELL YOU MA’AM THAT THIS WAS A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN THE WAY I USUALLY MAKE CUMS AND NOW I DO NOT EVEN HAVE TO DO EXTRA LAUNDRY.
A heavy sigh escapes the young lady, who has probably just made the single biggest mistake of her life. She can still feel it, you know— the putrid, swimming greatness desperately swimming toward her eggs like Michael Phelps in an underwater chicken coop.
She can’t believe she let him go raw.
She can’t believe she fucked him at all.
Why was she always attracted to men with pet bears?
JENNIFER: Okay yeah, sooooo I’m gonna go.
His eyes going wide, GREAT SCOTT immediately lunges toward her like a child latching onto a teddy bear in a thunderstorm.
GREAT SCOTT: WAIT PLEASE DON’T LEAVE I LOVE YOU.
Okay, that’s the last straw.
First there was Peter. Peter worked for a traveling Eastern European circus as a bear trainer. He had a terrible mustache and most of his flirtation was bear related puns. She’d fucked him in the bathroom of a Chick Fil A and spent two months in therapy after finding out he was murdered by his own pet bear two days later.
Then there was Daniel.
Daniel was a fur trapper in the Lousiana bayou. She had no idea where he’d come upon a bear, but by the time their torrid six month affair was over, she was beginning to accept that she had a thing for guys who had a thing for bears. But this? GREAT SCOTT? A grown man who literally wore his singlet during sex and then told her that he loved her immediately afterward? A professional wrestler with a pet bear who literally did nothing all day but vibe to low fi tunes on his sweet Beats by Dre headphones? A man who just publicly proclaimed that he had LOST HIS VIRGINITY TO HER LITERALLY JUST NOW?
This was rock bottom.
It was too much to… bear.
JENNIFER: I’m so fucking glad I’m on birth control.
A HOUSEBUS CALLED “THE GREAT ESCAPE”
THE FRONT DOOR
“OH NO THIS IS A WHOLE FUCKING BABY.”
As usual, GREAT SCOTT is a reliable source of information. The bassinet, which is actually how that is spelled despite the fact that it looks entirely wrong, sits in front of the door to THE GREAT ESCAPE. It contains, as advertised, one living, breathing baby.
A swole baby.
A mulleted baby.
A GREAT baby.
GREAT SCOTT: OH SHIT OH GOD OH FUCK.
The baby is, as you are hoping, wearing a singlet that matches the one that his father is literally wearing in front of him. Attached to the bassinet, which still looks incorrect, has a letter attached to the side, stapled onto the fabric.
GREAT SCOTT: DEAR SCOTT IT IS ME JENNIFER THE WOMAN YOU MADE GRAVY INTO NINE MONTHS AGO. IF YOU ARE READING THIS THEN I AM ALREADY DEAD. I WAS MURDERED BY THE MAFIA WHILE INVESTIGATING THE DEATH OF YOUR PARENTS AND NOW ALL THAT IS LEFT OF ME IS THIS BABY THAT WE MADE TOGETHER. I NAMED HIM GREAT SCOTT JUNIOR. PLEASE RAISE HIM TO BE GREAT LIKE YOU AND TEACH HIM THE SCOTTACANRANA. I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS, LOVE JENNIFER.
He finishes reading the letter, which is clearly written in his own toddler-esque handwriting. The truth of the matter is that Jennifer died during childbirth, her own womb entirely incapable of birthing GREAT SCOTT’s baby due to the unique shape of his skull. But that doesn’t make for a good story, and if you’re truly reading between the lines on exactly who Scott Gratesburgh is, you’d realize that he’s not a moron.
He’s just a man writing his own story.
And boy, it’s turning into quite the story.
GREAT SCOTT: THIS IS TERRIBLE. JENNIFER IS DEAD. I MADE BIG JIZZ INTO A WOMAN AND NOW SHE IS DEAD FROM THE MAFIA JUST LIKE MY MOTHER AND FATHER AND NOW I HAVE TO RAISE THIS BABY. FUCK. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE A FATHER TO GREAT SCOTT JUNIOR MAYBE I SHOULD ABORT THIS BABY.
Well, it’s a little late for that, Scott.
He’s filled with blinding anxiety. Maybe that’s why he wrote the letter– the mafia seems to be SCOTT’s way of dealing with grief and loss, and this is the exclamation point on it. Whether Jennifer died in childbirth, or whether she was murdered by the mafia, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s dead. It doesn’t change the fact that this baby is alive. Most of all, it doesn’t change the fact that this baby is now his responsibility.
He slowly lifts GREAT SCOTT JUNIOR from the bassinet.
Their eyes meet for the first time.
GREAT SCOTT: I HOPE THAT I DON’T FAIL YOU, GREAT SCOTT JUNIOR. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT I DID NOT WEAR A CONDOM ON MY PENIS WHEN I MADE SEX TO YOUR MOM. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE. AND I WILL DO MY BEST TO RAISE YOU AS MY OWN. BECAUSE YOU ARE ACTUALLY MY OWN. AND MAYBE WE CAN MAKE IT GREAT.
He swallows hard, forcing a smile.
Maybe they can make it great.
HOLY FUCKING FUCK.
I AM A DAD NOW. I AM A REAL LIFE DAD. I AM JUST LIKE STEVE SOLEX AND BILL COSBY EXCEPT WITHOUT ALL THE RAPE. BILL COSBY I MEAN. I AM NOT SAYING THAT STEVE SOLEX IS A RAPIST I DO NOT HAVE ANY EVIDENCE OF THAT.
ADAM ELLIS NOW THAT I AM A FATHER I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVE RECONSIDERED WHETHER OR NOT I WANT TO DO PENIS MURDER ON YOU LIKE I DID ON BRIAN HOLLYWOOD. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT LONG AND HARD. AND AFTER THAT CAREFUL RECONSIDERATION I HAVE COME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION WHICH IS THAT YOUR PENIS IS FUCKING DUNZO BUD. I AM GOING TO TURN YOUR OUTIE INTO AN INNIE. I AM GOING TO STERILIZE YOU LIKE SURGICAL EQUIPMENT. YOU ARE GOING TO BE BARREN LIKE THE MEN WHO RAN THE RAILROADS DURING THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION.
FUCKING SAY GOODBYE TO THAT SCHLONG GUY.
I AM GONNA KICK THAT DICK.
ANYWAY I HAVE TO GO FIGURE OUT WHAT BABIES EAT AND HOW TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY DON’T DIE. IF ANYONE HAS ANY GOOD YOUTUBE TUTORIALS ON HOW TO KEEP A BABY ALIVE PLEASE SEND THEM TO JERBOI AT GREATSCOTTNESS ON AOL INSTANT MESSENGER. AND ALSO A PSA TO ALL THE GUYS OUT THERE IF YOU ARE GOING TO SPILL YOUR MAN JELLY INTO A LADY YOU MIGHT MAKE A BABY. THERE IS A SMALL CHANCE THAT SHE IS OVALTINING AND YOU CAN JUST MAKE A BABY FROM SCRATCH LIKE A MAGIC TRICK SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
LARGE LITERAL DADDY SCOTT SIGNING OFF PEEPS.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.