ONE LAST EGG BANDIT.
I SHOULD BE EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
THIS IS WHAT I WANTED AND WHAT I ASKED FOR. I FOUGHT EVERY SINGLE EGG BANDIT ONE BY ONE AND I BEAT EVERY SINGLE EGG BANDIT ONE BY ONE. I DEFENDED THE HOT VEE ADMIRABLY AND COURAGEOUSLY AND I NEVER SAID NO TO A FIGHT. I MADE A GOAL AND I STUCK TO IT AND I PROVED TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT WHEN I AM IN CHICAGO THAT I AM STILL GREAT. THIS IS THE PAYOFF THAT I DESERVE RIGHT? I AM FIGHTING CANCER JILES WHO IS THE PRIMETIME WRESTLING UNIVERSAL CHAMPION AND THAT SHOULD BE A BIG DEAL RIGHT?
I SHOULD BE FUCKING HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
SO WHY AM I NOT FUCKING HAPPY?
CANCER JILES IS A BAD GUY. NOT LIKE WRESTLING GOOD GUYS AND WRESTLING BAD GUYS. I MEAN THAT AS A HUMAN BEING HE IS A PIECE OF SHIT. HE USES HIS FRIENDS AS LACKEYS. HE ENDED PHIL ATKENS’ CAREER WITH GLUE MURDER. HE ENDED THE OCTANE TITLE STREAKS OF TWO OF THE WRESTLERS WHO TRAINED ME AT FIVETIME ACADEMY AND THEN IMMEDIATELY FUCKED OFF AND STOPPED CARING AGAIN. HE IS BAD FOR THE WRESTLING BUSINESS AND BAD FOR THE PEOPLE BUSINESS AND SINCE SOMETIMES HE DOES NOT EVEN SHOW UP FOR HIS ONLY JOB HE IS ALSO BAD FOR THE BUSINESS BUSINESS. EVEN THOUGH I AM LARGE DADDY SCOTT AND I AM A WRESTLING BAD GUY, I SHOW UP TO WORK EVERY WEEK AND I TRY MY ASS OFF AND I NEVER THINK THAT I AM TOO COOL FOR ANYTHING.
BUT NOT JILES.
JILES THINKS THAT HE IS VERY VERY COOL.
HE EVEN CALLS HIMSELF COOL CANCER JILES EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NOTHING COOL ABOUT CANCER. HE THINKS THAT NOT CARING ABOUT YOUR JOB IS THE COOLEST THING IN THE WORLD AND THAT BEING A SLACKER MEANS THAT YOU ARE DOWN WITH THE YOUTH. HE IS ALWAYS SMOKING MARIJUANA AND TAKING VERY LONG PEES AND EVEN LONGER BREAKS FROM OCTANE WRESTLING. LIKE I SAID I MIGHT BE A BAD GUY BUT CANCER JILES IS A BAD PERSON AND I SHOULD BE DROOLING VERY HARD ON MY PILLOW EVERY NIGHT IN MY HOUSEBUS JUST DREAMING ABOUT GIVING HIM THE SCOTTACANRANA. IT IS REALLY MAKING ME AN UNHAPPY SCOTT THAT I AM NOT DROOLING RIGHT NOW.
THIS SHOULD BE THE PAPER VIEW MAIN EVENT.
IT IS THE PRIMETIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION VERSUS THE WORLD CHAMPION OF HOT VEE I AM FACING THIS EGGY BITCH ON THE GO HOME SHOW. BECAUSE SEE IN PRIMETIME WRESTLING, CANCER CARES. HE ISN’T TOO COOL FOR PRIMETIME. HE USUALLY SHOWS UP FOR HIS MATCHES AND INTERVIEWS. HE WORKS HARD TO GET PAPER VIEW MAIN EVENTS. HE HELPS OUT BACKSTAGE. WHEN MELVIN’S SECRETARY LINDSAY SAYS THAT SHE NEEDS HELP HE IS FIRST IN LINE, BUT IN OCTANE WRESTLING HE IS A FUCKING TOURIST.
CANCER YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE.
NONE OF THE EGG BANDITS DO.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS BACK AT FIVETIME MIKE BEST AND STEPPENWOLF FARTINGTON USED TO TALK ABOUT HOW COOL YOU WERE AND HOW COOL IT WAS THAT YOU DID NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING AND THAT NOT CARING IS WHAT MADE YOU SO GOOD. BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE JILES IS IT? YOU AND DOOZER AND BOBBY DEAN, YOU PROVED THAT IT WASN’T TRUE WHEN YOU LOST YOUR SMILES AGAIN IN OCTANE WRESTLING AND THEN FOUND THEM IN PRIMETIME. YOU PROVED THAT WASN’T TRUE WHEN YOU SHOWED HOW MUCH YOU COULD CARE WHEN YOU WERE WEARING A BLUE SHIRT. YOU PROVED THAT YOU COULD BE RELIABLE AND GIVE A SHIT AND BE RESPONSIBLE IN LAS VEGAS AND THAT IT MADE YOU EVEN BETTER WRESTLERS THAN YOU EVER WERE IN OCTANE WRESTLING AND THAT IS WHY I AM NOT EXCITED TO FIGHT YOU JILES.
BECAUSE THIS ISN’T WHERE YOU ARE A GOD.
THIS ISN’T WHERE YOU CARE.
IF I GIVE YOU A SCOTTACANRANA IN THE MAIN EVENT OF THE GO HOME SHOW AND PIN YOUR SHOULDERS TO THE MAT YOU WILL NOT EVEN CARE. YOU WILL LAUGH ABOUT IT AND MAKE JOKES. YOU PROBABLY DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THIS AS A REAL TITLE MATCH OR CARE ABOUT THE HOT VEE TITLE BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT IT IS WORTH LESS THAN THE ONE THAT YOU HAVE. BUT WHAT DID YOU DO TO WIN YOUR TITLE JILES?
YOU DID GLUE MURDER.
YOU HAVE STICKY FINGERS.
YOU DID NOT FIGHT THE CHAMPION. YOU FOUGHT “VACANT” WHO DID NOT HAVE HALF THE RESUME THAT PHIL ATKEN HAD. I CAME TO OCTANE WRESTLING FOR ONE MATCH WITH COWBOB CLAYPANTS AND I HAVE STAYED, WEEK IN AND WEEK OUT, FIGHTING MY HEART OUT FOR HOT VEE. YOU JUST WRESTLED ANOTHER BAD GUY IN A MATCH YOU DID NOT DESERVE AND CALLED YOURSELF THE CHAMPION. I DEFENDED MY TITLE AGAINST FRANK AND DYLAN AND JAMES AND THE EGG BANDITS WHO AREN’T YOU AND XANDER AZULA. I GIVE A SHIT JILES. I GIVE SO MANY SHITS. I HAD TO PUT A SECOND TOILET IN THE GREAT ESCAPE BECAUSE THAT IS HOW MANY SHITS I GIVE ABOUT THIS TITLE AND THIS COMPANY AND ABOUT MY CAREER. BUT YOU THINK EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS OUTSIDE OF LAS VEGAS IS ONE BIG DUMB JOKE.
AND I AM NOT LAUGHING JILES.
I AM NOT A HAPPY SCOTT.
SO THIS WEEKEND JILES I AM GOING TO BEAT THE PRIMETIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION. AND SURE I AM GOING TO DO IT ON A GO HOME SHOW THAT NO ONE WILL REMEMBER. SURE IT WILL NEVER GET ME A SHOT AT YOUR PRIMETIME UNIVERSAL TITLE. SURE IT WILL NOT CHANGE THE FACT THAT IN LAS VEGAS I AM STILL Just Scott AND EVERYONE WILL STILL THINK THAT I AM A LOSER. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHO WILL KNOW THAT I BEAT YOU JILES?
OCTANE WRESTLING WILL KNOW.
HOT VEE WILL KNOW.
AND I WILL KNOW.
ALL I CAN TELL YOU JILES IS THAT YOU HAD BETTER CARE THIS WEEK BECAUSE IF YOU DO NOT I AM GOING TO BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF YOU. I WILL BREAK YOUR LEGS AND THEN SIT YOU UP ON THE FRIDGE AND MAKE YOU WATCH ME EAT STRONKUMMS AND YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY. I WILL HURT YOU WORSE THAN THE MEMORIES OF THAT TIME THAT YOUR DAD MADE YOU TAKE A SHOWER WITH HIM AND THEN YOU NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT AGAIN AND THEN YOU GREW UP AND HAD A BEAR FOR A BEST FRIEND BECAUSE YOU WOULD NEVER COMPLETELY TRUST PEOPLE AGAIN.
SORRY I FORGOT WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
OH RIGHT THE GO HOME SHOW.
MISTER JILES, WE MIGHT NOT HAVE MADE IT ONTO THE PAPER VIEW BUT I AM GOING TO TREAT CHAOS LIKE IT IS THE MAIN EVENT OF ICONIC. I AM GOING TO TREAT IT LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING. I AM GOING TO FIGHT YOU LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT BECAUSE HOT VEE IS MY WHOLE LIFE RIGHT NOW AND IT IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME GREAT. CANCER HAS DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE TO OCTANE WRESTLING AND IT ENDS NOW.
HAVE A GREAT DAY JILES.
OR GO FUCK YOURSELF.
I BET YOU DON’T.
“What are you thinking about, Scott?”
His eyes gazing off into the distance, GREAT SCOTT hardly hears the words that have left her mouth as he leans over the railing of the bridge. Catherine was nothing if not a nice girl, and she wasn’t bad to look at, but as of late the HOTv Champion had just found himself mostly just tuning her out.
Oh, GREAT SCOTT has a girlfriend.
I don’t know if we’ve covered that before.
A few weeks after he had his identity stolen by Treacherous Trent and the conniving GREAT THOTT, he’d pinged another match on Tinder and they’d been seeing eachother ever since. She even had a key to THE GREAT ESCAPE, so honestly it isn’t my fault if she just hasn’t been around any of the times we’ve hung out every week. He has a life, she has a life, you know how these things go. Have I really never told you that he had a girlfriend before?
My bad, guys.
It’s been a chaotic couple of weeks.
GREAT SCOTT: …..
She puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder, smiling as she snuggles up to him alongside the bridge rail. They’d had so many good times together over the last couple of months. Picnics in the park, the STRONKUMMS convention in Atlanta… that time that he had to fight off a wild mountain lion to have her life, while they were hiking. So many good times that you just didn’t happen to be present for, especially that last one.
Man, the lion fight was some shit.
CATHERINE: Hey, earth to Scott. Any signs of life in there?
She playfully pokes the side of his face, trying to get any kind of a reaction out of him. He’d been distant lately, always on about STRONKUMMS and HOT VEE and flying back and forth between time zones. She was patient above all else, though, and she was in love with him. Whatever it took to help him achieve his dreams, she was on board. Scott Gratesburgh was the man for her, and she was never turning back.
GREAT SCOTT: SORRY CATHERINE I AM VERY DEEP IN THOUGHT OVER THIS BIG MATCH THAT I HAVE WITH CANCER JILES THIS WEEK FOR THE HOT VEE CHAMPIONSHIP. I DID NOT MEAN TO IGNORE YOU.
The words sound sincere, but somehow still echo hollow over the river canyon.
CATHERINE: Well, if you need a distraction, I have some hot vee of my own that you can–
His GLARE turning sideways, GREAT SCOTT cuts her off.
GREAT SCOTT: DO NOT JOKE ABOUT HOT VEE PLEASE IT IS MY LIVELIHOOD AND I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE MAKING JOKES ABOUT THE BELT THAT BUYS YOU THOSE APPLE JACKS YOU LIKE SO MUCH.
He pulls away slightly– he’s so STRONKUMMED UP that every hair on his body is ready for a fight. Even with Catherine, the woman who he has been madly in love with for six month and who absolutely has existed this entire time.
Her smile fades, as her eyes fall toward the ground.
CATHERINE: I’m not making fun, Scott. I just don’t like to see you so stressed out. People are… starting to talk, ya know? GREAT BEAR hasn’t been by the house in weeks. You aren’t answering Morty’s calls. Everything that used to make you so happy seems to be… I don’t know, Scott. I just want you to be happy. And you keep hanging out with that Jace guy, I don’t think that I–
At the very mention of Jace’s name, GREAT SCOTT turns his entire body around to face his very serious girlfriend. This was the place where they’d had their very first date, and he’d brought her out here for a very important reason today.
He was going to propose.
Things were not going according to plan.
GREAT SCOTT: JACE PARKOUR JAMISON IS MY BEST FRIEND AND THE ONLY PERSON THAT I CAN TRUST. HE TREATS ME LIKE A MEGASTAR AND I HAVE HAD NOTHING BUT SUCCESS SINCE HE SIGNED ME TO STRONKUMMS LLC. SO IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING MEAN TO SAY ABOUT JACE THEN YOU ARE SAYING IT ABOUT ME TOO.
For the first time, she truly looks hurt.
Not just sad, but legitimately hurt.
CATHERINE: The… only… person? Scott, share the bed of your Housebus every single night. We’ve talked about marriage. Family. A bunch of little GREAT TOTS playing out in the parking lot of the Best Arena. And now you’re telling me that you can’t even trust me?
GREAT SCOTT: THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT CATHERINE PLEASE DO NOT BE DRAMATIC THIS IS NOT THE THEATER. WHY DON’T WE JUST CALM DOWN AND EAT OUR HAM SANDWICHES AND HAVE SOME LIQUID STRONKUMMS.
He reaches for the picnic basket by the bridge, digging around inside. His hands fall idly past the ring box within, searching desperately for a lukewarm can of STRONKUMMS. Catherine grabs hold of his arm, her brows furrowed.
CATHERINE: I think that maybe you’ve had enough STRON–
He pulls away, sharply.
GREAT SCOTT: I THINK THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DUPLICITIOUS TROLLOP. I CAN STOP DRINKING STRONKUMMS ANYTIME I WANT SO STOP TREATING ME LIKE I AM A GROWN MAN WITH THE BRAIN OF A TODDLER. IT MAKES ME STRONK AND LEAN AND HELPS ME THINK AND I CAME HERE TO ASK YOU TO MARRY ME BUT NOW I AM THINKING THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GO POUND SAND IN A DIFFERENT SANDBOX LIKE CANCER JILES.
CATHERINE: …what? What does Cancer Jiles even have to–
GREAT SCOTT: EVERYTHING CATHERINE. EVERYTHING. HE HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH EVERYTHING AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND AND YOU ARE NOT MY MOM SHE WAS MURDERED BY THE MAFIA. I NEED JACE AND I NEED STRONKUMMS AND I NEED MY HOT VEE CHAMPIONSHIP AND YOU ARE A DISTRACTION. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE GREAT TOTS AND BE A FAMILY WITH YOU BUT RIGHT NOW I NEED TO FOCUS ON ME AND MY CAREER AND YOU DO NOT GET IT.
Catherine staggers backward, swallowing hard.
She can’t believe this. She’d given him six of the best months of her life. Dropped out of law school to hang out with him full time on the road. Given up a full ride scholarship to Harvard, and this is how he repays her?
GREAT SCOTT: GO GET YOUR APPLE JACKS ELSEWHERE HONEY BECAUSE WE ARE FUCKING DONE. I ONLY NEED FOUR THINGS IN THIS WORLD AND THOSE FOUR THINGS ARE MY BEAR MY GLARE MY HOT VEE AND MY STRONKUMMS SO WHY DON’T YOU GO PISS UP A ROPE SITTING DOWN SINCE THAT’S HOW GIRLS PEE.
He doesn’t mean it, of course.
But the damage is done.
With altogether too much cocaine and steroids in his system, GREAT SCOTT watches stonefaced as Catherine collects her things, running off down the path toward her car. In the days and weeks to come, he’ll realize what a mistake he’s made, but right now all that he can feel is the desperate need for a win against Cancer Jiles at CHAOS this week. He watches her disappear over the horizon, before going back to digging around the picnic basket.
His hand finds the STRONKUMMS.
Everything is going to be alright.
GIRLS ARE DUMB ANYWAY.
ONCE A MONTH THEY BLEED FOR NO REASON AND IF I BLED FOR NO REASON ONCE A MONTH I WOULD PROBABLY CONTACT A DOCTOR OR AN ATTORNEY RIGHT AWAY. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL PROBABLY VERY DISAPPOINTED TO SEE CATHERINE LEAVE THE GREAT SCOTT EXTENDED UNIVERSE AS SHE WAS A LONG STANDING AND BELOVED MEMBER OF MY CREW BUT IT IS BROS BEFORE HOES AND THE ONLY BROS I NEED ARE GREAT BEAR, JACE PARKOUR JAMISON, STRONK AND THE HOT VEE CHAMPIONSHIP.
GOTTA HAVE MY STRONK MILK.
I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY THAT I JUST PHRASED THAT BUT ANYWAY CANCER JILES I AM NOW FULLY FOCUSED AND READY TO TAKE YOU TO POUND TOWN THIS WEEK JUST LIKE I DID WITH BOBBY DEAN. CATHERINE WAS JUST HOLDING ME BACK LIKE MORTY WAS AND LIKE THOSE PEOPLE FROM THE FDA WERE WHEN THEY CAME TO THE HOUSEBUS AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT STRONKUMMS.
I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THEY MAKE IT FDA.
PLEASE STOP ASKING ME.
CANCER JILES I AM READY FOR WAR AGAINST YOU. YOU CAN BRING YOUR EGGS AND YOUR BANDITS AND YOUR STUPID SUNGLASSES AND ALL THE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS THAT YOU WANT. YOU CAN CARE OR YOU CAN NOT CARE OR YOU CAN KEEP BEING A CARBON COPY OF A WEIRD CITRUS BASED WRESTLING WHO USED TO BE AN ANT FOR ALL I GIVE A HECK. I AM UNDEFEATED AS A SINGLES WRESTLING IN OCTANE WRESTLING AND SINCE NOTHING EVER CHANGES IN YOUR STUPID WORLD THEN YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE EITHER. I AM THE HOT VEE CHAMPION AND I THINK THAT IS WAY COOLER THAN BEING SOME DUMB FONZY SCHEME CULT LEADER LIKE YOU ARE WHERE THE COOL PEOPLE ARE AT THE TOP AND EVERYONE UNDERNEATH IS A LACKEY. BOBBY DEAN SHOULD NOT BE YOUR LACKEY HE IS A PRETTY COOL GUY AND DOOZER SHOULD NOT BE YOUR LACKEY BECAUSE HE IS EVERYONE’S ELDER AND YOU SHOULD RESPECT HIM AND EVEN ZEB MARTIN IS A BILLIONAIRE NOW SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHOW SOME RESPECT AND CARE A LITTLE BIT AND REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU.
I WAS GONNA BEAT UP ZEB MARTIN.
I WAS GONNA BEAT HIM UP ON CHAOS LAST WEEK AND THEN TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THE PLAN AND MAYBE THAT IS WHY WE ARE ON THE GO HOME SHOW AND NOT AT RUMBLE AT THE ROCK. OKAY THAT IS MY BAD AND I OWN MY MISTAKE BUT I AM STILL GOING TO BEAT YOU UP AND RETAIN MY HOT VEE CHAMPIONSHIP JUST IN FRONT OF A SLIGHTLY SMALLER CROWD. AND IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THAT CANCER? IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET BEATEN UP? IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE EMBARRASSED ALBEIT IN FRONT OF A SLIGHTLY SMALLER CROWD? WELL I AM TAKING A PAGE OUT OF YOUR BOOK AND NOT CARING BECAUSE I AM NOT COOL SCOTT.
I AM GREAT SCOTT.
AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.