I AM THE GREATEST WRESTLER ALIVE.
HI OCTANE WRESTLING IT IS ME JERBOI GREAT SCOTT AND I AM STILL YOUR REIGNING CHAMPION OF HOT VEE. LAST WEEK I TOOK BOBBY DEAN TO POUNDTOWN AND I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME TO STOP PHRASING IT THAT WAY. BOBBY YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO TRY AND BEAT JERBOI WITH A BEAR HUG BECAUSE I GET HUGS FROM A BEAR EVERY SINGLE DAY AND I AM NEVER TRAPPED. ANYWAY I INVENTED THE REVERSE SCOTTACANRANA WHICH WAS VERY DOPE AND NOW I AM FINALLY GETTING A WEEK TO REST FROM DEFENDING MY HOT VEE BECAUSE THIS WEEK IT IS A TAG MATCH WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND BUSINESS PARTNER JACE PARKOUR JAMISON.
JACE IS THE FUCKING MAN GUYS.
EVER SINCE HE MADE TYLER BEST LOSE HIS SMILE JACE HAS BEEN GETTING SWOLE FROM CARRYING TWO BELTS AND BEING A TWO BELT BOI. SINCE MY GREATEST DREAM IS TO BE SWOLE AND HAVE TWO BELTS THAT MEANS JACE IS THE PERFECT PARTNER FOR ME. EXCEPT MAYBE FOR STRONK BECAUSE WE HAVE VERY GOOD ARTICULATE CONVERSATIONS AND A LOT OF CHEMISTRY. JACE EVEN HELPED ME INVENT THE REVERSE SCOTTACANRANA THAT I USED TO BEAT BOBBY DEAN LIKE A MULE THAT BELONGS TO THE GOVERNMENT.
PLUS HE HAS THE JUICE.
THE DELICIOUS NUTRITIOUS MEAT JUICE.
THAT JUICE IS OF COURSE LIQUID STRONKUMMS WHICH IS NOT LEGALLY JUICE OR ACTUALLY EVEN TECHNICALLY A BEVERAGE AND IF YOU USE PROMO CODE “BEARSANDGLARES” YOU CAN GET 20% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDER UNLESS YOU ARE A COP OR THE FDA. IF YOU ARE A COP OR THE FDA PLEASE DO NOT ORDER LIQUID STRONKUMMS YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED.
THAT IS PROMO CODE “BEARSANDGLARES”.
THIS WEEK WE ARE FIGHTING CONFUCIOUS THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD AND STEVE HARRISON WHICH IS A PRETTY BORING NAME. CONFUCIOUS HAS A THING WHICH IS ABSTINENCE AND BETHESDA GAMES I THINK. BUT STEVE WHAT IS YOUR THING YOU ARE JUST A GUY NAMED STEVE. YOU USED TO DO MIRACLES AND TURN WINE INTO MILK OR SOMETHING BUT THEN YOU STOPPED BEING DAIRY JESUS AND JUST BECAME STREETBOY STEVE. EVERYONE HAS TO HAVE A THING STEVE. MY THING IS BEING SWOLE AND HAVING A BEAR AND A GLARE. JACE’S THING IS BEING A DOUBLE CHAMPION AND HOPING NO ONE SAYS ME TOO. EVERYONE HAS A THING BUT YOU SO MAYBE I WILL JUST HELP YOU COME UP WITH A THING.
HOW ABOUT LAS VEGAS STEVE?
YOU COULD GAMBLE ON BIG MATCHES AND THEN LOSE BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO DISTRACTED ROLLING DICE TO TRAIN FOR YOUR MATCHES. THAT COULD BE A COOL THING. OR MAYBE YOU COULD LEVEL UP YOUR MILK GAME AND CALL YOURSELF THE COW BOY AND TEAM WITH COWBOB CLAYPANTS AND YOU COULD HAVE A DOUBLE TEAM FINISHER CALLED UDDER MAYHEM. I DO NOT KNOW STEVE I JUST KNOW THAT THE STEVE HARRISON EXTENDED UNIVERSE IS CONFUSION AND DOES NOT HOLD MY ATTENTION AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN CANCELLED AFTER SEASON ONE.
PLUS THERE ARE TOO MANY STEVES.
YOU ARE LEGALLY ONLY ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE STEVE IN A STABLE I CALLED THE POLICE AND THEY SAID I AM RIGHT. THE STREETBOYS HAVE TWO STEVES AND THAT IS A FELONY. MAYBE YOU AND STEVE SUPLEX CAN TEAM UP AND JUST BE COLLECTIVELY CALLED ”THE STEVE” AND YOU CAN HAVE CATCHPHRASES LIKE “DO YOUR NOSTRILS PICK UP WHAT THE STEVE IS PUTTING DOWN” OR “I LOSE WORLD TITLE MATCHES TO CHRISTOPHER OBAMA” SINCE YOU WILL BOTH HAVE THAT IN COMMON SOON TOO.
I AM SORRY IF THAT HURTS YOUR FEELINGS.
NO I AM KIDDING GO FUCK YOURSELF.
TEAM STRONKUMMS IS GOING TO KICK YOU AND CONFUCIOUS W. NINTENDO RIGHT IN THE DICKS UNTIL A REFEREE SAYS “HEY PLEASE STOP THAT IT IS AGAINST THE RULES”. I AM GOING TO INVENT NEW SUPLEXES AND MAYBE DO THIS COOL BACKFLIP POWERSLAM THAT JACE TOLD ME I SHOULD INVENT AS A NEW FINISHER SORRY FOR THE SPOILERS. AND WHEN WE ARE DONE MAYBE CONFUCIOUS WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY THE SIMS SO YOU CAN ALSO BE A BORING MUNDANE FUCK IN THE VIDEO GAME WORLD TOO. THEN HE CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO THE JD ELDER SCROLLS AND YOU CAN LEARN WHAT A GIMMICK IS BECAUSE THOSE SCROLLS KNOW BASICALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT WRESTLING.
OKAY I ADMIT IT.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE ELDER SCROLLS ARE.
I MEAN I KNOW THE GAMES BECAUSE I DID NOT LOSE MY VIRGINITY UNTIL I WAS FOURTEEN BUT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE ONES THAT CONFUCIOUS TALKS ABOUT ALL THE TIME. ARE THEY JUST OLD PEOPLE BECAUSE I THINK THEY ARE JUST OLD PEOPLE? EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT JUST OLD PEOPLE THEN CONFUCIOUS SAY THEY ARE DEFINITELY GETTING OLD PLEASE FIND A NEW THING I AM TIRED OF SEEING THEM IN THE TITLES OF VIDEOS I DO NOT WATCH BECAUSE I ASSUME YOU JUST STREAM ON TWITCH AND TALK ABOUT HOW COOL RICK AND MORTY IS.
YOU ARE NOT PICKLE RICK.
PLEASE STOP YELLING THAT YOU ARE PICKLE RICK.
ANYWAY THAT IS ENOUGH SMACK TALK FOR NOW I PREFER TO DO MY SMACKING IN THE RING AND THIS WEEK I WILL DO A LOT OF SMACKING. LAST WEEK PIRATE GOD BANNED GREAT BEAR FROM RINGSIDE BUT I HOPE THAT THIS WEEK HE WILL BE BACK BECAUSE CONFUCIOUS THE 8 BIT BITCH AND JUST PLAIN OLD REGULAR STEVE ARE NO MATCH FOR MY BEAR OR MY GLARE OR MY HOT VEE. I WILL SEE YOU GUYS AT CHAOS FOR MY FIRST TAG TEAM MATCH LITERALLY EVER AND IN THE MEANTIME HAVE A GREAT DAY AND REMEMBER THAT LARGE DADDY SCOTT HAS WHAT YOU NEED.
YELL LOUDLY IF YOUR EARS WORK.
“SIR I WOULD LIKE TO BUY YOUR FINEST SUIT.”
Fanny pack stacked full of cold, hard cash and LIQUID STRUNKUMMS, the HOTv Champion GREAT SCOTT sticks out like a sore thumb at the counter of Men’s Warehouse on Market Street. It’s a real Men’s Warehouse in Cleveland, you can Google it.
LARGE DADDY SCOTT is high on life, and probably the recently disclosed cocaine content of the LIQUID STRONKUMMS, as he bangs his fists on the counter in his singlet and wrestling boots to emphasize his point. In all of his years as a wrestler, he’d never owned a nice suit. Or a not nice suit. Or a suit of any kind. In fact, if you hadn’t noticed, JERBOI spends most of his time just wearing his wrestling singlet and smelling like he’s wearing his wrestling singlet.
Well, until Jace came along.
GREAT SCOTT: SHOW ME SOMETHING MADE OUT OF GOLD. OR DIAMONDS MAYBE. I AM FLUSH WITH CASH ON ACCOUNT OF TAKING BOBBY DEAN TO POUND TOWN AND MY LUCRATIVE INFLUENCER PARTNERSHIP WITH LIQUID STRONKUMMS WHICH YOU CAN GET FOR 20% OFF WITH THE PROMO CODE “BEARSANDGLARES”.
The twentysomething store associate stares back at him rife with fear and confusion, as the swole, steroid addled, probably cocaine addicted PWA MEGASTAR aggressively and loudly says the words directly in his face. The $9.30 minimum wage in Ohio, which is real and you can Google it, is absolutely not worth dealing with a roid raging maniac in a wrestling singlet demanding a suit made of diamonds.
CLERK: Uh, sir. This is a Men’s Warehouse. We do not have any suits made out of diamonds. Maybe I can show you something in gray?
Furrowing his brow, the HOTv Champion looks visibly displeased by the news. A suit made entirely out of diamonds was really the best way to commemorate all of his recent successes. After all, none of the cool shit he’d ever owned in his life up to this point had been bought with his own, hard earned money.
The forty two story mansion was bought with his inheritance, from when his mother and father were murdered by the mafia. The iPhone 16 with 6G was a birthday present from GREAT GRANDPA, who was murdered by a ninja attack on his heart. Even the hummer limos were rentals, and THE GREAT ESCAPE was a gift from the many heads of the PWA. His first major purchase couldn’t be something mundane, or cheap. It had to have meaning. It had to have class. It has to show that he was his own man now.
A drab, gray suit just wouldn’t do.
GREAT SCOTT: SIR THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?
The clerk stares back, blank faced and unblinking.
CLERK: Well, when you came in, you said “Hello my name is Great Scott and I am a PWA megastar and I am here to spend my STRONKUMMS money” without stopping to breathe. So I’m gonna guess that your name is Great Scott and you’re a—
Something about the way that the cashier says his name makes our hero’s skin crawl. He holds up a finger, interrupting.
GREAT SCOTT: YES THAT IS MY NAME BUT PLEASE SAY IT LOUDER.
CLERK: Great Scott!
The HOTv Champion quickly shakes his head “no”.
GREAT SCOTT: NO LOUDER BUT NOT QUITE YELLING MORE LIKE ENERGETIC AND LIKE YOU NEED EVERYONE TO HEAR YOU BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS IMPORTANT AND YOU HAVE MANY IMPORTANT THOUGHTS.
CLERK: Great Scott!!
The master of the SCOTTACANRANA begins to look exasperated, rubbing at his temples.
GREAT SCOTT: NO NOW YOU ARE JUST DOUBLE YELLING IT I NEED YOU TO SAY MY NAME LIKE IT IS A MONSTER TRUCK ABOUT TO JUMP OVER A BUNCH OF DEMOLISHED CARS.
CLERK: GREAT SCOTT?
GREAT SCOTT: PERFECT THANK YOU. ANYWAY I WILL TAKE THAT DIAMOND SUIT NOW I WEAR A SIZE SWOLE.
He leans his elbow against the counter, patiently waiting as though the exchange is now complete. The cashier does not immediately scurry to the back to fetch the nonexistent suit, though, which seems to trouble SCOTTZILLA.
GREAT SCOTT: OH SORRY THAT WAS RUDE OF ME. PLEASE GO GET ME A DIAMOND SUIT IN A SIZE SWOLE. EXTRA SWOLE IF YOU HAVE IT BECAUSE I AM A GROWING SCOTT.
The champion taps his fingers against the counter, trying to remain patient but failing miserably. This is likely on account of the cocaine, which was again recently disclosed as an ingredient in LIQUID STRONKUMMS. If you drink LIQUID STRONKUMMS and fail a drug test due to the absolutely disclosed cocaine content, please do not sue GREAT SCOTT. He is not an employee of the STRONKUMMS CORPORATION and besides, you were warned several times now.
CLERK: Again, Mr. Sc— MR. SCOTT— I apologize for the inconvenience, but we don’t have anything like that here. A suit like that would cost a ridiculous amount of money, wouldn’t be at all practical to wear, and definitely wouldn’t be found at a Men’s Wearhouse.
A long sigh escapes GREAT SCOTT, as he slowly nods his head. It makes sense, so he is understanding, but still very disappointed by this news.
GREAT SCOTT: I SEE. THAT MAKES SENSE. I UNDERSTAND BUT I AM STILL VERY DISAPPOINTED.
As always, I’m a reliable narrator.
This is unfortunate news. Jace Parker Davidson had been clear with GREAT SCOTT that if he was to be a paid influence for STRONKUMMS, he’d need to look the part— a man walking around in a smelly wrestling singlet was not, as they say, good for business.
Maybe he should just buy the gray suit.
Doing a bit of swolesearching, LARGE DADDY SCOTT considers looking like a basic corporate bitch for all of about seven seconds, before a metaphorical lightbulb appears over his head. In the GREAT SCOTT EXTENDED UNIVERSE, you often have to specify things like “it’s not an actual lightbulb”.
GREAT SCOTT: WAIT I HAVE AN IDEA. YOU SEEM VERY SMART ABOUT CLOTHES AND WHERE TO BUY THEM. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MY NEW STYLE CONSULTANT? I WILL PAY YOU MORE THAN THE OHIO MINIMUM WAGE OF $9.30 PER HOUR I WILL EVEN DOUBLE IT.
He extends his meaty hand for a handshake, looking at the reluctant clerk with a giant smile on his face.
This is the move.
If JPD wants the HOTv Champion to look the part, what better way to do it than to assemble an entourage? A diamond suit in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but with this young man on his staff, GREAT SCOTT can find a lot more than two diamond bush suits. Besides, only important people have entourages— there was even that show about it on HBO, and he’d already found his Jeremy Piven last week by hiring Agent Smith.
This guy could totally be his E.
Yeah, GREAT SCOTT needs an E.
The clerk mulls this over— on one hand, this job sucks and it could be a pretty sweet gig finding clothes for a raving lunatic in a wrestling singlet with his own face on it. On the other hand, this man was a raving lunatic wearing a wrestling singlet with his own face on it.
He shrugs his shoulders.
YOLO, as the kids say.
CLERK: You know what? Fuck it. Let’s find you a diamond suit.
He shakes GREAT SCOTT’s hand, surprised by the gentle power of his grip. The handshake goes on a little too long, already making him question the decision that he’s just made.
GREAT SCOTT: OKAY GREAT ALSO WHAT IS YOUR NAME.
The clerk is already in the process of taking off his nametag, which has clearly been displaying his name this entire time. He points at the tag, which says “Scott”.
GREAT SCOTT: OKAY THAT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME AT ALL ACTUALLY THAT IS VERY INCONVENIENT. WHAT IS YOUR LAST NAME BECAUSE I WILL CALL YOU BY THAT INSTEAD. THERE ARE ALREADY TOO MANY SCOTTS EVEN BOBBY DEAN SAID SO BEFORE I TOOK HIM TO POUND TOWN.
The clerk stifles a laugh— GREAT SCOTT really does need to stop saying it like that.
CLERK: Anderson. My name is Scott Anderson.
The HOTv Champion smiles, patting him on the shoulder.
GREAT SCOTT: NICE TO MEET YOU MR. ANDERSON I AM EXCITED TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE OTHER MEMBER OF MY ENTOURAGE AGENT SMITH.
We’re so getting sued.
Since the clerk is probably one of those Gen Z liberals who don’t even want to work and kneel during the pledge of allegiance, he doesn’t even bother to let anyone know that he’s quitting. He just drops his nametag on the counter and follows GREAT SCOTT out of the store in pursuit of a suit made out of actual diamonds. Jace Parker Davidson might make an acceptable human being out of LARGE DADDY SCOTT yet…
…but he also might be his undoing.
SCOTTZILLA puts his arm around the now former clerk, grinning at the newest member of his entourage.
GREAT SCOTT: WELCOME TO THE GREAT SCOTT EXTENDED UNIVERSE MR. ANDERSON. OH AND I HOPE YOU LIKE BEARS BECAUSE I HAVE A BEAR.
Mr. Anderson smiles back.
He DOES like bears.
HEY EVERYONE JERBOI AGAIN.
I KNOW I SAID I WAS DONE PROMOING BUT I HAVE MORE PROMOING TO DO. SOMETIMES I LIE BECAUSE I AM A BAD GUY AND I HAVE A BAD GUY GOATEE. AS I WRITE THIS I AM WEARING A SUIT MADE OUT OF DIAMONDS THAT MY NEW ASSISTANT MR. ANDERSON HELPED ME FIND. OKAY SO IT IS NOT REAL DIAMOND IT IS CALLED A KUBRICK CIRCLENEON AND IT IS LIKE A DIAMOND BUT LESS EXPENSIVE AND LOOKS THE SAME. IT TURNS OUT THAT A WHOLE SUIT MADE OF DIAMONDS COSTS A LOT MORE MONEY THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD AND IS VERY VERY HEAVY AND NOT PRACTICAL.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO CONNOR FUMES FOR GETTING HIS NAME WRONG BEFORE. MR. ANDERSON TOLD ME THAT CONFUCIOUS IS ACTUALLY A CHINESE PHILOSOPHER WHO HAD A LOT OF STUPID CATCHPHRASES AND CONNOR FUMES IS NOT CHINESE AT ALL. THERE IS AN EASY JOKE HERE ABOUT HOW CONNOR FUMES STINKS BUT I WILL NOT MAKE IT BECAUSE HE DOES NOT STINK HE IS ACTUALLY VERY GOOD AT WRESTLING. HE IS SOMETIMES A WORLD CHAMPION WHEN NO ONE FROM THE BEST FAMILY IS A WRESTLER HERE AND HE SAYS COOL STUFF LIKE “RANK UP” AND “WEAPON GET” WHICH ARE CULTURALLY RELEVANT AND VERY HIP. I AM LEARNING A LOT FROM MR. ANDERSON.
IT TURNS OUT HE IS A BIG WRESTLING FAN.
THAT MAKES IT MORE CONFUSING THAT HE DID NOT KNOW WHO I WAS BUT WHATEVER I AM FAMOUS FUCK YOU. ANYWAY HE TOLD ME THAT STEVE HARRISON USED TO BE THE CHAMPION OF DRUGS FOR A MINUTE BUT THEN HE GOT STRONKED TO DEATH DURING A GAME ABOUT WAR SO THAT IS PRETTY COOL. IT SOUNDS LIKE CONNOR FUMES AND PLAIN STEVE USED TO DO A LOT OF COOL STUFF AROUND HERE.
BUT I DO COOL STUFF NOW.
AT CHAOS TWO GUYS WHO USED TO WIN BELTS WILL FIGHT TWO GUYS WHO WIN BELTS NOW AND I MIGHT EVEN BE A DOUBLE CHAMPION BY THEN SO THIS MIGHT BE A MATCH WITH FOUR CHAMPIONS IN IT AND YOU GUYS WON’T BE ANY OF THEM. THAT SEEMS EMBARRASSING FOR YOU BUT I WILL NOT SHARE MY BELTS WITH YOU I AM NOT A SOCIALISM LIKE MR. ANDERSON IS. EARN YOUR OWN BELTS GUYS IT IS PROBABLY SAFE BECAUSE MIKE BEST IS RETIRED AND TYLER BEST HAS NOT BEEN SEEN SINCE HE GAVE JACE A SALTY HANDSHAKE. SO WE WILL SEE YOU JABRONIS AT CHAOS AND WE WILL BEAT YOU.
AND THANKS TO MY NEW ASSISTANT?
WE WILL BEAT YOU IN STYLE.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.