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SCOTT STEVENS YOU ARE DOGSHIT BUD.
YOU ARE A JOBBER AND A JABRONI AND ANOTHER WORD THAT MEANS BAD AND STARTS WITH A JAY. YOU ARE THE OPPOSITE OF JERBOI WHICH ALSO STARTS WITH A JAY BUT THAT IS THE ONLY THING WE HAVE IN COMMON BESIDES BOTH BEING NAMED SCOTT. EVERY YEAR YOU HAVE A MATCH AGAINST SCOTTWOOD AT THE RUMBLING ROCK AND EVERY YEAR I DO NOT WATCH IT SO IF I GET ANYTHING WRONG ABOUT YOUR MATCH LAST SUNDAY IT IS BECAUSE I WAS DOING LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE I COULD THINK OF THAT WAS NOT WATCHING YOU FIGHT SCOTTYWOOD FOR THE NINETY SEVENTH TIME.
THERE ARE TOO MANY SCOTTS.
I DO NOT LIKE IT.
I AM CLEARLY THE BEST SCOTT.
DON’T WORRY STEVENS I WILL NOT SPEND A WHOLE PROMO JUST LISTING ALL THE SCOTTS THAT WOULD BE FUCKING STUPID. BUT YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE WORST SCOTT IN OCTANE WRESTLING AND MAYBE THE WORLD. THE LEAD SINGER OF CREED IS NAMED SCOTT AND I WOULD RATHER LET HIM FART “MY SACRIFICE” INTO MY MOUTH HALF SPEED THROUGH A STRAW THAN HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT SPOOKY CULTS AND RACISMS AND HOW YOU WERE A WORLD CHAMPION BACK WHEN EVERYONE HAD AN IPHONE 6. AND I DO NOT EVEN LIKE CREED STEVENS NO ONE DOES SO THAT TELLS YOU HOW MUCH I DO NOT LIKE YOU.
YOU DUMB GOBLIN.
YOU SPOOKY FUCK COWBOY.
YOU GENERIC TEXAS BITCH.
I AM SORRY EVERYONE I AM NOT USUALLY THIS AGGRO BUT GOD I HATE SCOTT STEVENS SO MUCH. HE TELLS EVERYONE ON TWITTER THAT HE IS MY DAD BUT THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. FOR ONE MY DAD WAS A GREAT DAD UNTIL HE WAS KILLED BY THE MAFIA WHILE HE WAS OUT GETTING CIGARETTES AND FOR TWO NO WOMAN HAS EVER LET SCOTT STEVENS MAKE PUDDING IN HER ESPECIALLY NOT MY MOM. STEVENS TALKS ABOUT BEING MY DAD BUT MAYBE HE SHOULD WORRY ABOUT HIS OWN SON WHO HE LOST IN A WRESTLING MATCH AND IS NOW BEING PASSED AROUND THE HIGHWAYMEN LIKE A BEACHBALL WONDERING WHY HIS DAD NEVER EVEN TRIED TO GET HIM BACK NOT EVEN ONCE.
NOPE JUST LOST HIS KID AND WAS LIKE:
“YEAH OKAY WHAT IS NEXT.”
YOU ARE A REAL PIECE OF SHIT STEVENS. I LOOKED UP THE WORD SHIT ON THE ONLINE DICTIONARY AND IT WAS A GIF OF YOUR MOM GIVING BIRTH TO YOU OVER A LONG HOLE IN THE GROUND AND THEN COVERING YOU UP LIKE A CAT IN A SANDBOX. PLUS YOU ARE CORNY AND YOU STINK. HEY THERE IS ANOTHER FAMOUS SCOTT FOR YOU STEVENS IT IS SCOTT TISSUE AND THAT IS WHAT THE DOCTOR FARMER SWADDLED YOU IN AFTER YOUR MOM PUSHED YOU OUT BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT. I AM AN ADULT AND I KNOW HOW BABIES GET MADE I AM JUST USING EXAGGERATIVE LANGUAGE TO SHOW EVERYONE THAT YOU ARE A DUMB TEXAS POOP WHOSE CHILD IS ON MILK CARTONS EVEN THOUGH STEVE HARRISON KNOWS WHERE HE IS.
STEVENS YOU ARE SCREWED BRO.
I AM GREAT SCOTT AND YOU ARE NOT EVEN A GOOD SCOTT. THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE GETTING A SHOT AT MY HOT VEE IS BECAUSE PIRATE GOD IS SAD THAT STRONK DADDY IS GONE AND HE IS MAKING YOU WALK THE PLANK. I AM GOING TO PLUNDER YOUR BOOTY. I AM GOING TO SWAB YOU LIKE YOU ARE A POOP DECK. ARE THESE PIRATE JOKES LANDING OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO MAKE GAY JOKES ABOUT THEM BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE CLOSE TO YOUR TENTH PUNCH ON YOUR SUSPENSION CARD AND WANT YOUR FREE ICE CREAM.
YOU CANNOT BEAT ME STEVENS.
YOU COULD NOT BEAT ME IN OCW WHEN IT WAS MY JOB TO LOSE SO YOU DEFINITELY CANNOT BEAT ME NOW THAT IT IS MY JOB TO WIN. PIRATE GOD EVEN TOLD EVERYONE IN A NEWS POST THAT I AM GOING TO DEFEND MY HOT VEE AT ICONIC AND HE POSTED THAT AFTER HE BOOKED THIS MATCH. YOU ARE THE LEADER OF A HOMELESS SPOOKY EYEPATCH CULT THAT WORSHIPS PIRATE GOD AND HE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN YOU LIKE YOU ARE SANTA CLAUS OR THE HOLOCAUST. TO BE CLEAR I AM NOT SAYING THE HOLOCAUST DID NOT HAPPEN IT WAS A TERRIBLE EVENT FOR MY PEOPLE AND SIX MILLION JEWS DIED I AM JUST SAYING THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO DO NOT BELIEVE THAT IT IS REAL AND THEY ARE THE SAME KIND OF PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THAT SCOTT STEVENS WILL BE THE NEW HOT VEE CHAMPION THIS WEEK.
THIS IS MY TIME STEVENS.
YOUR TIME IS UP. MY TIME IS NOW. BRRRAPPLEDOUGH. THAT IS A QUOTE FROM MY FAVORITE RAPPER JOHN CENA WHO IT IS OKAY TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE HE IS A PUBLISHED RAPPER. HE IS ALSO AN ACTOR LIKE HIS FRIEND DWAYNE JOHNSON WHO I KEEP WRITING TO ON TWITTER TO ASK TO BE MY TAG TEAM PARTNER BUT HE SAYS HE IS JUST AN ACTOR PLUS HE HAS A PRODUCT THAT COMPETES WITH STRONKUMMS ON THE MARKET.
ANYWAY.
I HAVE TO GO NOW BECAUSE I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING WITH JACE PARKOUR JAMISON ABOUT MY FUTURE AT THE STRONKUMMS CORPORATION NOW THAT STRONK IS DEAD WHICH I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT. I MEAN THAT I AM EXCITED ABOUT THE MEETING BY THE WAY NOT THAT STRONK IS DEAD THAT IS VERY SAD AND I WILL RIP HIM FOREVER AND MAYBE TATTOO HIS NAME ABOVE MY HEART BECAUSE HE WAS AN INSPIRATION TO MILLIONS OF SCOTTS LIKE ME. SO I HAVE TO GO NOW EVERYBODY HAVE A GREAT DAY.
EXCEPT FOR SCOTT STEVENS.
HE IS BAD SCOTT.
AND I AM GOING TO KILL HIM.
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“Scott, STRONK isn’t dead.”
Oh.
That’s the first thought in GREAT SCOTT’s head, as STRONKUMMS’ rep Melvin Smith looks at him with absolute bewilderment. Just “oh”. While he was of course elated to hear that one of his closest work friends has not summarily passed away, he also finds himself wondering what he’s going to do with the uHaul full of flowers that he just paid to have shipped to STRONK’s funeral.
But STRONK’s mortality isn’t the only thing he’s confused about.
GREAT SCOTT: THAT IS GREAT NEWS AGENT SMITH AND I WILL BE SURE TO SEND MY FRIEND STRONK A TEXT THANKING HIM FOR STILL BEING ALIVE. BUT WHERE IS JACE PARKOUR JAMISON I WAS PROMISED A MEETING WITH HIM TODAY ABOUT MY FUTURE WITH THE STRONKUMMS CORPORATION AND I EVEN TALKED ABOUT IT IN MY PROMO. I DO NOT WANT TO LIE TO ALL MY WEIRDOS.
A wry smirk crawls over Melvin’s face.
AGENT SMITH: I’m sorry… your weirdos?
GREAT SCOTT: YES AGENT SMITH MY WEIRDOS. I CANNOT LEGALLY CALL THEM MY FREAKS PLUS THAT SOUNDS WEIRD BUT I CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT MY WEIRDOS AND MY ARM MUSCLES.
Melvin blinks a couple of times, deciding whether or not he even wants to process the latest development in the LARGE DADDY SCOTT saga. Look, either you get the bit or you don’t, it’s fine at this point– Melvin has made his choice, however, and he has chosen to move on.
AGENT SMITH: Well, anyway, of course Mr. Davidson wanted to be here in person today, but since he is now running the day to day operations of STRONKUMMS LLC, you’ll of course understand that he has other commitments. Also, I do feel that I need to remind you again that I am not your agent, I am an employee of STRONKUMMS LLC and I do not work for you in any capacity.
GREAT SCOTT: WELL YOU DEFINITELY DON’T DO ANY WORK FOR ME I CAN AGREE WITH THAT. I KEEP ASKING YOU TO FIND ME MORE SPONSORSHIPS AND APPEARANCES AND YOU NEVER EVEN TEXT ME BACK.
AGENT SMITH: Right. Because I’m not your agent. Now, obviously STRONK GODSON is the backbone of STRONKUMMS LLC, but since he has had to take an extended absence from the ring and the business, contingency plans are in the works. Do you understand what a contingency is, Scott?
The GREAT ONE rolls his eyes, tugging on his HOTv Championship and adjusting it to his singlet. He looks vaguely insulted.
GREAT SCOTT: YES I KNOW WHAT A CONTINGENCY IS BITCH DO NOT CONDESCEND TO THE SCOTT I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. JUST BECAUSE I TALK LOUDLY AND EXCITEDLY DOES NOT MEAN I AM AN IDIOT.
Taking a defensive step backward, because GREAT SCOTT is a swole maniac, Melvin gently tugs at his collar. It feels warm in here.
AGENT SMITH: Sorry, Scott. I didn’t mean it like… that. I don’t know. Listen, Jace would like to make you the new public face of STRONKUMMS… untilSTRONKgetsbackobviously… and we’re prepared to make it worth your while. You have helped bring new STRONKUMMS products to market, and been a huge boon to our merchandising campaign. We’re aware that we have maybe taken some advantage of that, but we want to make up for it now.
With the smarmy grin of a car salesman, Melvin slides a folded piece of paper across the desk, along with a pen. SCOTT picks up the paper, looking at it quizzically.
GREAT SCOTT: AGENT SMITH THIS PAPER IS BLANK. ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT YOU ARE OFFERING ME NOTHING BECAUSE THAT IS RUDE.
The absolutely not-an-agent shakes his head, rubbing the frustration out of the corners of his eyes.
AGENT SMITH: Scott, it’s… look. I want you to write a number down on that piece of paper. That’s how much money we’re going to give you to become the face of STRONKUMMS. Until STRONK comes back. Obviously.
GREAT SCOTT: DO I GET STRONK’S SHARES?
AGENT SMITH: No.
GREAT SCOTT: DO I GET TO HELP JACE RUN THE COMPANY?
AGENT SMITH: Absolutely not.
GREAT SCOTT: BUT WHATEVER I WRITE DOWN IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE ME?
Taking a very deep breath, Melvin unfortunately has no choice but to nod his head in the affirmative.
AGENT SMITH: …within reason, yes.
LARGE DADDY SCOTT thinks this over, and then slowly begins writing on the paper. Obviously, whatever he is writing is a lot more than just a number… it appears to be an entire paragraph, and then another.
And then another.
In all caps, of course.
AGENT SMITH: This is mostly just a money thing, Scott. If you’d–
GREAT SCOTT: SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AGENT SMITH THIS IS MY MOMENT.
He narrowly avoids biting his own tongue, as the HOTv Champion scrawls like a bat out of hell across the paper. He then folds it in half, slides it across the table to his non-agent, and waits patiently while Melvin opens the paper and reads the chicken scratch manifesto in front of him.
Curiously, and surprisingly for both men, he smiles.
AGENT SMITH: This… might be doable. Let me run it up the flag pole.
He reaches across the table and shakes hands with Scott, albeit it as quickly as possible, as though Scott carried some kind of disease. Melvin wipes his hands down his shirt as he walks out of the office, trying to get the “GREAT SCOTT” off of him.
The HOTv Champion stands beaming from ear to ear.
GREAT SCOTT: DID YOU HEAR THAT, GREAT BEAR?
He glances to the corner of the office, where the jovial bear has been vibing to low-fi tunes on his sweet Beats by Dre headphones this entire time, unbeknownst to us. The bear does not look up, as he is already too busy vibing.
GREAT SCOTT: STRONKUMMS IS ABOUT TO BECOME GREAT.
—————————–
HI EVERYONE IT’S ME JERBOI.
SO STRONK IS NOT DEAD WHICH IS GREAT NEWS BUT EVEN GREATER NEWS IS THAT ME GREAT SCOTT IS THE NEW FACE OF STRONKUMMS. THEY ARE WORKING ON MY DEAL NOW AND I EVEN GOT THEM TO THROW IN A LOT MORE STRONKUMMS EVERY WEEK SO THAT I CAN STAY SWOLE AND FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT MATTER MOST LIKE MY BEAR AND MY GLARE.
ALSO I AM SORRY THAT I CALLED YOU ALL WEIRDOS.
I DID NOT MEAN IT IN A BAD WAY IT IS JUST THAT MY ATTORNEY HAS TOLD ME THAT I CANNOT LEGALLY SAY FREAKS OR I WILL GET SUED BY SOME GUY WHO USED TO OWN A SHONEYS IN GEORGIA. I JUST MEANT THAT YOU ARE BIG FANS OF GREAT SCOTT AND THE GREAT SCOTT EXTENDED UNIVERSE AND I APPRECIATE YOU ALL. I KNOW THAT I AM A WRESTLING BAD GUY RIGHT NOW BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I DO NOT LOVE MY FANS. IF YOU DO NOT LOVE ME THOUGH YOU CAN STILL GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU ARE EITHER RIDE OR DIE WITH GREAT SCOTT AND IF YOU ARE NOT RIDE THEN I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE.
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE I WANT TO DIE.
SCOTT STEVENS IS A HUGE PIECE OF SHIT. I KNOW THAT I ALREADY CUT THAT PROMO AND SENT A MESSAGE AND I DO NOT WANT TO SOUND LIKE A SKIPPING CD PLAYER BUT BOY I JUST DO NOT LIKE HIM. HE IS NOT MY DAD AND HE IS NOT ONE OF MY WEIRDOS AND I WISH HE WOULD STOP TELLING PEOPLE THINGS THAT ARE NOT TRUE BECAUSE I AM NOW THE FACE OF A GLOBAL MEAT BASED ENERGY EMPIRE AND I CANNOT HAVE PEOPLE SLANDERING ME OR EVEN REALLY CALLING HIMSELF SCOTT.
THAT’S RIGHT STEVENS.
I WANT YOU TO STOP BEING A SCOTT.
IF I BEAT YOU AT CHAOS NOT ONLY DO I GET TO KEEP MY HOT VEE CHAMPIONSHIP BUT I WANT YOU TO LEGALLY CHANGE YOUR NAME FROM SCOTT STEVENS TO NOT-SCOTT STEVENS AND IF YOU DO NOT DO IT THEN I WILL CALL MY ATTORNEYS AND WE WILL SUE YOU FOR ACWORTH GEORGIA SHONEYS LEVEL MONEY. I HAVE THE FULL SUPPORT OF STRONKUMMS LLC BEHIND ME NOW AND I AM NOT MESSING AROUND.
*NOTE FROM STRONKUMMS LEGAL: HE DOES NOT.*
ANYWAY STEVENS I AM GOING TO DO DAISY CHAIN SEVEN CANS OF STRONKUMMS AROUND MY NECK LIKE A POOKA SHELL NECKLACE SO THAT I NEVER MISS A SIP WHILE I AM WORKING OUT AND GETTING SWOLE. I AM GOING TO GO PRACTICE BREAKING WATERMELONS WITH MY BARE HANDS SO THAT I AM READY TO TURN CHAOS INTO A MEMORIAL SHOW.
OKAY BYE.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.