HI OCTANE WRESTLING.
IT IS ME AGAIN JERBOI GREAT SCOTT. I AM VERY SORRY THIS PROMO IS SO LATE BUT IT HAS BEEN A VERY BUSY WEEK. RIGHT NOW I AM CUTTING THIS PROMO WHILE I AM TAKING A GREAT POOP BEFORE PUTTING ON MY SINGLET TO GO DOWN TO THE APPLE STORE AND BUY A NEW IPHONE 14 WHICH COMES OUT TODAY. I DID NOT HAVE TO RESERVE ONE LIKE THE REST OF YOU MARKS BECAUSE I AM A PWA MEGASTAR AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE T-SHIRTS WITH MY FACE ON THEM.
PLEASE BUY MORE OF THEM.
I LIKE MONEY A LOT.
ANYWAY IT IS ALSO PRIMETIME SUPERSHOW WEEK WHERE I WILL BE FIGHTING A RAISIN GOAT FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF YAHWEH GOD WHICH I AM PLANNING TO BRING TO OCTANE WRESTLING BECAUSE I RECENTLY LEARNED THAT PRIMETIME IS NOT A GREAT PLACE. THEY HAVE A SUPERSHOW WHERE TWO BAD GUYS ARE IN THE MAIN EVENT BUT THEY DISQUALIFIED ME FOR DOING HEADPHONE MURDER TO A PASTOR. THAT IS ALSO PART OF THE REASON I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN DRINKING A LOT OF LIQUID STRONKUMMS AND GETTING VERY STRONK.
UNLIKE THAT FAT BLOB BOB DEAN.
BOB YOU ARE THE FATTEST WRESTLER WORKING TODAY. YOU ARE LIKE THE BEFORE PICTURE FOR WHAT LIQUID STRONKUMMS CAN DO TO CHANGE A MAN’S LIFE AND NOW AT AN EVEN LOWER PRICE PENDING THE RESULTS OF AN ONGOING INVESTIGATION BY THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY. BOB YOUR BLOOD TYPE IS RAGU. WHEN YOU SIT AROUND THE HOUSE YOU SIT AROUND THE HOUSE. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ZIPCODE AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAS TO ROLL YOU IN FLOUR AND LOOK FOR THE WETSPOT WHEN YOU PEE THE BED.
BOB YOU ARE FAT.
YOU HAVE A FAT ASS.
I HAVE WORKED HARD FOR MY WHOLE CAREER TO BE STRONK AND SWOLE AND THERE IS NOTHING I HATE MORE THAN FAT ASSES. IT IS BAD ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO STARE AT YOUR FLABBY FLOPPY GUT ON THE ASS NETWORK BUT NOW YOU ARE HERE IN PRIMETIME SIMPING FOR GOD AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF IT SIR. AND NO THIS IS NOT ME BEING MAD THAT YOU GUYS DID NOT LET ME INTO THE EGG BANDITS SO DO NOT SAY I AM MAD THAT I DID NOT GET INTO THE EGG BANDITS.
THAT IS NOT THE REASON WHY BOB.
THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
I MEAN I DID ASK EVERY WEEK FOR MONTHS TO BE AN EGG BANDIT AND JILES KEPT SAYING NO AND I ALREADY HAD A NAME PICKED OUT BUT IT IS FINE. I AM NOT MAD THAT GREAT EGGSPECTATIONS DID NOT BECOME A THING I AM JUST MAD THAT YOU ARE SO FAT. YOU ARE SUCH A FAT FUCK.
OKAY MAYBE I AM LYING.
MAYBE I AM MAD ABOUT NOT GETTING INTO THE BANDITS AND I KNOW IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT BOB BUT YOU PROMISED ME THAT WE WOULD BE A TEAM AND THAT THERE WOULD BE A CARDBOARD GREAT BEAR AND THAT WE WOULD MAKE A LOT OF FUCK YOU MONEY WHICH IS MY FAVORITE KIND OF MONEY. SO WHAT HAPPENED BOB HUH? WHERE IS MU BANDIT SHIRT? I WAS LITERALLY ABOUT TO JOIN THE GLUE FACTORY TOO BUT THEN YOUR FRIEND JILES DID CAREER MURDER AND NOW THE GLUE FACTORY LOST ITS SMILE TOO. YOU AND YOUR BANDITS HAVE COST ME TWO STABLES WHICH MEANS THAT YOU OWE ME DOUBLE THE FUCK YOU MONEY OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL CONTACT AN ATTORNEY.
ANYWAY NOW WE HAVE TO FIGHT.
WHEN I BEAT YOU AND RETAIN THE HOT VEE TITLE THIS WEEK THEN YOU AND LOOZER AND THE WORST FORM OF CANCER WILL SEE THAT YOUR LITTLE CLUB IS NOT THE BOSS OF EVERYTHING AND YOU ARE NOT THE COOLEST GUYS IN SCHOOL. AND THEN ONCE YOU LOSE TO ME I WILL START MY OWN STABLE AND IT WILL BE CALLED THE HONEY HEISTERS AND WE WILL LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY STEAL ALL THE HONEYS. HONEY IS BETTER THAN EGGS BOB SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.
YOU CHICKEN PERIOD LOVING MARKS.
AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND JILES THAT HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF TOO BECAUSE HE DID GLUE MURDER TO PHIL ATKEN WHO WAS GONNA LET ME INTO HIS STABLE AND THEY GAVE HIM A WORLD TITLE SHOT INSTEAD OF PUNISHING HIM. NOW YOU THREE COMPANY WRECKERS WANNA COME BACK TO OCTANE WRESTLING TOO AND BE PWA MEGASTARS WELL FUCK YOU GUYS BECAUSE THAT IS ALREADY MY THING SO FIND YOUR OWN THING.
SO I WILL SEE YOU AT CHAOS BOB.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.
YOU FAT FUCK.
“WOW I HAVE NEVER BEEN SPONSORED BEFORE.”
Staring down at the contract in front of him, GREAT SCOTT finishes off the ass end of his daily can of LIQUID STRONKUMMS, crushing the can against his head and tossing it carelessly to the floor.
Just one can a day.
Having run out of his month’s supply in the lead up to PRIME’s ULTRAVIOLENCE Supershow, he’d been relying on the emergency supply cobbled together for him by Jace Parker Davidson. Just enough to get him through two title matches. Just enough to keep him STRONK and swole. That of course meant limiting his intake to a single can each day until a new order can come in from the Chinese supply chain, and Jerboi was not handling the rationing well.
GREAT SCOTT: THERE ARE A LOT OF BIG WORDS ON THIS CONTRACT AND I KIND OF HAVE THE SHAKES RIGHT NOW SO PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT I WILL GET FOR BECOMING A LIQUID STRONKUMMS INFLUENCER. MY ATTORNEY COULD NOT HE HERE BECAUSE I HAVE NOT DEBUTED HIM YET SPOILER ALERT THOUGH HE IS LITERALLY A RACOON.
He is telling the truth.
The man sitting across from him leans back in his chair, crossing his arms. He’s old and broken down, nearly retirement age if he’d made a single decent financial decision in his life. The STRONKUMMS LLC representative did not even want to take this meeting with GREAT SCOTT in the first place, but alas he has to do essentially anything that Jace or STRONK tells him to do.
MELVIN: Well, Scott, my name is Melvin Smith and I’m a representative for—
GREAT SCOTT: NO. VETO. SORRY. I ALREADY HAVE ONE MELVIN AND HE WORKS FOR PRIMETIME SO THAT WILL JUST CONFUSE ME. I AM GOING TO CALL YOU AGENT SMITH INSTEAD BECAUSE THAT IS YOUR LAST NAME AND YOU SEEM TO BE MY NEW AGENT.
A soft, almost condescending chuckle escapes Melvin’s lips as he leans forward in his chair, folding his hands in front of him. A crisp STRONKUMMS polo shirt dresses up an otherwise unremarkable human, offset by the exasperation in his eyes.
MELVIN: I am definitely not your agent. I work for STROKUMMS LLC and you can think of me like a liaison for—
GREAT SCOTT: LOOK AGENT SMITH I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF DEAL YOU GOT ME FOR BEING SPONSORED BY STRONKUMMS. I HAVE A BUSY DAY OF LIFTING WEIGHTS AND TRYING TO FIND WEBSITES THAT ARE NOT OUT OF LIQUID STRONKUMMS AND ALSO I HAVE MANY TITLE MATCHES.
Rubbing at his temples, Melvin Smith sits up in his chair, opting to just get this over with and accept that he is not going to win this battle. He gathers the papers in front of him, putting a pair of reading glasses on and looking back over the contract in a quick spot read.
AGENT SMITH: It’s pretty simple, Scott. You keep winning matches and representing the HOTv brand, we keep providing you with money and all the LIQUID STRONKUMMS that you can drink. Speaking of, we’ll also need you to sign this release form. It forgives any liability to the STROKUMMS CORPORATION in the event that prolonged exposure to LIQUID STRONKUMMS causes you to have any adverse side effects.
Nodding his head and trying to look smart, GREAT SCOTT temples his fingers in front of him and furrows his brow. He’s nodding long after Agent Smith stops speaking.
GREAT SCOTT: I LIKE MONEY AND I LIKE LIQUID STRONKUMMS AND I LIKE WINNING MATCHES SO I WILL SIGN ANYTHING YOU WANT AGENT SMITH. SHOW ME THE STRONKUMMS. GET IT THAT IS FROM JERRY MCGUIRE.
Not even hiding the utter contempt in his eyes, Melvin slides the contract back over to GREAT SCOTT, along with a ballpoint pen. Immediately, SCOTT signs his name next to the X indicators, making the deal official.
With lightning speed for a man his age, he snatches the contract up and trifolds the papers, tucking them away into his desk drawer. This desk is in a glorified broom closet, by the way.
A lot of expense was spared.
AGENT SMITH: So glad to have you on board, Scott.
GREAT SCOTT: ME TOO THANKS. SO DO I GET MY LIQUID STRONKUMMS NOW BECAUSE I AM STARTING TO FEEL ITCHY AND SMALL AND JACE PARKOUR JAMISON ONLY GAVE ME ENOUGH FOR ONE CAN A DAY.
An almost sympathetic, but definitely patronizing, laugh escapes the STRONKUMMS rep once again. He kicks back in his chair, putting his crossed feet up on the desk.
AGENT SMITH: Sorry, bud. I told you the terms. You keep winning matches and representing HOTv, you keep getting paid. You have a title defense this weekend, champ. Retain that title and I’ll have a fat stack of cash and a whole case of LIQUID STRONKUMMS for you. That’s how this works. Win that Five Star Championship in PRIME next week and Mr. Davidson might even have a bonus for you.
And there it is.
The first one is free.
True drug dealer that he is, Jace Parker Davidson now legally owns GREAT SCOTT— once Ray Coon Esq. debuts and gets a hold of the document that his client just signed, he’s going to really wish he hadn’t been busy digging through some alley trash during this business meeting.
GREAT SCOTT feels his mouth go dry— he needs his LIQUID STRONKUMMS and he needs it now.
GREAT SCOTT: LISTEN I HAVE ONLY LOST TWO MATCHES SINCE I CAME BACK TO WRESTLING. ONE OF THEM WAS BECAUSE I DID HEADPHONE MURDER AND GOT DISQUALIFIED AND ONE OF THEM WAS BECAUSE RAISIN CHEATED AGAINST ME BUT HE DID NOT GET DISQUALIFED. THAT IS WHY I AM BRINGING THE STAR OF DAVID TITLE TO OCTANE WRESTLING IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE I DO NOT LIKE INCONSISTENT RULES THAT MAKE ME LOSE NO MATTER WHAT. I AM GOOD FOR IT AGENT SMITH PLEASE GIVE ME SOME STRONKUMMS SO THAT I STOP SHAKING.
Maybe out of pity, or maybe because GREAT SCOTT is essentially patient zero for what may historically become the most dangerous energy drink of all time, Melvin softly nods his head. He reaches into the desk drawer, pulling out three cans of LIQUID STRONKUMMS that Jace had given him in case he needed to sweeten the pot.
An extra can a day.
Just long enough to make it to CHAOS.
He declines to pull out the stack of rubber banded cash that also sits in the drawer, realizing that if GREAT SCOTT isn’t asking for it, he’s probably free to just take it home with him and SAY he gave it to SCOTT.
AGENT SMITH: Do us proud, Mr. Gratesburgh. The STRONKUMMS Family takes care of its own. Unless, as we discussed… you know, waiver of liability blah blah blah.
He slides the cans across the desk, where the newest member of the STRONKUMMS brand greedily gathers them up into his arms. He tucks two of them away in his singlet, but leaves one out for immediate consumption.
*GULP GULP GULP*
Shotgunning the entire can, GREAT SCOTT perks up like he’s Popeye eating Spinach and smashing the empty can against his forehead like he did when he arrived in the office. Agaih, he tosses the empty onto the floor, as though he was raised in a barn.
GREAT SCOTT: I WILL LITERALLY KILL ANYONE WHO GETS IN THE WAY OF ME GETTING THIS DELICIOUS SWOLE MEAT DRINK AGENT SMITH. THAT INCLUDES BOBBY DEAN AND RAISIN AND EVEN YOU. SO YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.
He walks across the broom closet slash office, firmly pressing his hand into Melvin’s shoulder in a sign of both friendship and warning. He may not be a super genius, but GREAT SCOTT is a man of his word and in that moment, “Agent Smith” can feel it too.
GREAT SCOTT is not fucking around.
Not about STRONKUMMS.
Not about ANYTHING, anymore.
GREAT SCOTT: DO NOT TRY TO FUCK ON ME AGENT SMITH. I PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL BE THE ONE WHO GETS FUCKED ON IF YOU TRY TO FUCK ON ME.
Too many screw jobs. Too much bad luck. Too many people taking advantage of him. From Treacherous Trent stealing his identity, to Morty trying to poison his mind with the devil, to Melvin Beauregard’s Secretary Lindsay not enforcing the rules in equal fashion, GREAT SCOTT is ready to take command of his own destiny. To start making good things happen for himself, instead of waiting for the world to take a big dump all over his chest.
He’s a champion.
And it’s about time he started acting like one.
MAYBE I WAS TOO HARSH BEFORE.
YES YOU ARE A BIG FAT FUCK WITH A BIG FAT ASS AND I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE WHO ARE FAT OR FAT ASSES BUT YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GOOD TO ME EVEN WHEN OTHER PEOPLE WERE NOT. A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ME BECAUSE I WAS A NICE GUY BOB AND MAYBE THAT IS WHAT REALLY MADE ME SO ANGRY IN MY FIRST PROMO.
MAYBE YOU ARE LIKE LOOKING IN A MIRROR.
A WEIRD FUNHOUSE MIRROR THAT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE I HAVE A FAT ASS THOUGH BECAUSE I AM LARGE DADDY SCOTT AND I AM VERY SWOLE AND YOU ARE JUST SWOLLEN. BUT WHEN I LOOK AT YOU I SEE A MAN WHO IS TOO NICE AND NEVER STICKS UP FOR HIMSELF.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A BANDIT?
I THOUGHT YOU AND DOOZER AND JILES WERE ALL A TEAM BUT FOR A LONG TIME JILES HAS JUST BEEN YOUR BOSS. HE USED TO BEAT YOU UP ON A BOAT AND HE HAS DONE BETRAYAL TO ALL OF YOU BUT YOU ARE STILL LISTENING TO HIM LIKE HE IS IN CHARGE OF YOU. THE TRUTH IS THAT I WANTED TO BE AN EGG BANDIT FOR A LONG TIME BOB BUT DON’T ANYMORE BECAUSE NOW I THINK BEING AN EGG BANDIT JUST MEANS BEING A JABRONI HENCHMAN FOR CANCER JILES AND I REFUSE TO JUST BE A JABRONI.
I AM A NEW SCOTT AND A PWA MEGASTAR AND I AM IN DEMAND. I SHOULD BE THE LEADER OF A STABLE NOT JUST A HORSE WHO LIVES IN ONE. THIS WEEK YOU ARE FIGHTING FOR THE HOT VEE TITLE IN THE MAIN EVENT. I HAVE BEEN IN THREE OCTANE WRESTLING MAIN EVENTS BOB AND ZERO MAIN EVENTS IN PRIMETIME. PIRATE GOD TAKES BETTER CARE OF ME THAN PRIMETIME DOES AND THAT IS WHY I AM GOING TO KEEP DEFENDING THIS HOT VEE TITLE AND WEARING IT WITH HONOR BECAUSE HERE IN OCTANE WRESTLING WORKING HARD MEANS SOMETHING AND IT MEANS YOU ARE REWARDED.
I WANT TO KEEP BEING REWARDED.
I WANT MORE MAIN EVENTS. I WANT MORE MONEY. I WANT LITERALLY ALL OF THE LIQUID STRONKUMMS TOO SO I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU BOB. I AM SORRY BUT IT HAS TO BE THAT WAY. AND THEN I AM GOING TO TAKE THE STAR OF DAVID CHAMPION AND BRING IT HOME TO PIRATE GOD BECAUSE HE WILL REWARD ME FOR IT.
I REALLY DO HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY BOB.
BUT IF YOU TRY TO GET IN MY WAY?
I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.