YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF STRONKUMMS.
HI SORRY MATEYS IT’S JERBOI AND THE REASON I AM TALKING LIKE A PIRATE SONG IS BECAUSE I WAS RECENTLY INVITED TO JOIN PIRATE GOD’S PIRATE CREW. I HAVE NEVER BEEN A PIRATE BEFORE BUT IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DREAM OF MINE LIKE BEING THE HOT VEE CHAMPION OR BEATING BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD SO THIS IS REALLY A BIG WEEK FOR JERBOI GREAT SCOTT.
THAT IS THE NOICE A PIRATE MAKES. IT IS THE SAME NOISE SCOTT STEVENS MADE LAST WEEK WHEN I BEAT HIM AGAIN BUT HIS NOISE WAS OUT OF FRUSTRATION AND MINE IS A PIRATE BATTLECRY BECAUSE I AM STILL UNDEFEATED AND NOW I AM AN UNDEFEATED PIRATE WARRIOR WHO CAN LEGALLY TELL YOU TO SWAB THE DECK OR WALK THE PLANK. AND GREAT BEAR IS A PIRATE NOW TOO BUT HE IS A LAND PIRATE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT DIG THE SEA.
WHILE I WAIT FOR MY SPOT ON PIRATE GOD’S BOAT WITH JACE PARKOUR JAMISON AND CAPTAIN AMERICA HE HAS GIVEN ME A TAG TEAM MATCH WITH THE OTHER MEMBER OF OUR CREW. HE IS HALL OF FAMER JATTSTER AND I THINK HE MUST BE REALLY GOOD IN THE RING SINCE HE IS ALSO A HIGHSCHOOL WRESTLING COACH AND HAS TWO NAMES. EVERY WRESTLER WITH TWO NAMES IS A SUPER BADASS. THERE IS JACE WHO IS ALSO CALLED JAYPEE DEE. THERE IS STRONK RIP WHO IS ALSO CALLED STRONK DADDY. THERE IS CAPTAIN AMERICA WHO IS ALSO CALLED BANDIT KEITH. AND THEN THERE IS ME GREAT SCOTT AKA SCOTTZILLA AKA LARGE DADDY SCOTT AKA JERBOI AKA THE MAN WHO TAKES YOUR GIRLFRIEND OUT TO A MOVIE WHILE YOU ARE ON A WORK TRIP AND TELLS HER THAT SHE LOOKS PRETTY AND THEN KEEPS UP WITH HER FROM TIME TO TIME ON FACEBOOK MESSENGER.
I HAVE A LOT OF NAMES.
THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW I AM GOOD.
ANYWAY IN THE TAG TEAM MATCH WE HAVE TO FIGHT GRIMACE AND HER WHITE SON CONOR AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT CONOR’S MOM IS A MILF. THAT STANDS FOR MOM I’D LIKE TO FIGHT AND AT CHAOS I AM GOING TO TAKE THAT MILF TO POUNDTOWN LIKE I DID TO BOBBY DEAN AND THE EGG BANDITS. I AM GOING TO HIT HER RIGHT IN THE FACE WITH MY FIST. YES CONOR I DID NOT STUTTER I AM GOING TO FIST YOUR MILF MOM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU BECAUSE I AM A PIRATE SCOTT NOW AND THAT IS WHAT PIRATE SCOTTS DO.
I ADMIT I AM NERVOUS THOUGH.
NOT BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER SMASHED A WOMAN BEFORE DO NOT THINK IT IS BECAUSE CONOR’S MOM IS A WOMAN. I HAVE SMASHED LOTS OF WOMEN I EVEN SMASHED LILITH IN OCW AND SHE WAS A REAL PIECE OF SHIT. NO I AM NERVOUS BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I FACED GRIMACE’S SON IN A TAG MATCH WE DID NOT WIN AND I DO NOT LIKE LOSING EVEN IF IT IS A TAG MATCH. IF HE WAS HARD TO BEAT WITHOUT HIS MOM HE WILL BE EVEN HARDER TO BEAT NOW BECAUSE SHE WILL BE THERE TO TELL HIM THAT IF HE LOSES HE IS GROUNDED. THAT IS AN UNFAIR COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE. MY MOM IS DEAD AND SHE CANNOT GROUND ME OR EVEN THREATEN TO GROUND ME SO ALL OF MY MOTIVATION HAS TO COME FROM WITHIN.
I MEAN IT CONOR’S MOM.
DO NOT THREATEN TO GROUND YOUR SON.
I KNOW THAT YOU ARE GRIEVING THE DEATH OF STRONK BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO TAKE IT OUT ON YOUNG CONOR BY TAKING AWAY HIS VIDEO GAMES AND HIS WHATSAPP IF HE DOES NOT BEAT US THIS WEEK. IT WOULD NOT BE FAIR TO US BUT IT WOULD ALSO NOT BE FAIR TO CONOR IF HE WATCHED HIS MOM GET DOUBLE TEAMED BY ME AND JATTSTER AND THEN COULD NOT EVEN GO HOME AND PLAY HIS NINTENDO SWITCH THAT SEEMS LIKE UNJUST PUNISHMENT.
I MEAN IT GIRLBOB.
DO NOT DO IT.
I AM RIDING VERY HIGH THIS WEEK ON ACCOUNT OF BECOMING THE YOUNGBLOOD KILLER BY BEATING YOUNGBLOOD AND EARNING BACK MY PRIMETIME WRESTLING GREATNESS. I AM THE HOT VEE CHAMPION AND JUST MADE THAT JABRONI SCOTT STEVENS EAT MY FARTS SO I AM NOT IN THE MOOD TO TAKE ANOTHER TAG TEAM L THIS WEEK. I AM A VIBE PLEASE DO NOT MESS WITH MY VIBE.
AND I AM TALKING TO YOU NOW TOO MR. JATTSTER.
PLEASE DO NOT GET PINNED.
OH WAIT ALSO PLEASE DO NOT TAP OUT EITHER. OR GET KNOCKED OUT. OR COUNTED OUT. OR GET DISQUALIFIED. ALL OF THE WAYS TO LOSE PLEASE DO NOT DO THOSE. MY BEST FRIEND AND BUSINESS PARTNER JACE PARKOUR JAMISON GOT PINNED THE LAST TIME I FOUGHT CONOR AND HE IS VERY VERY GOOD AT WRESTLING SO NO OFFENSE BUT I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE. YOU SAID A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT NOT NEEDING MY HELP IN THIS MATCH BUT I AM UNDEFEATED AND YOU LOOK LIKE A GANGSTER FROM 1920S IRELAND WEARING A FREDDY FROM SCOOBY DOO WIG SO HOW ABOUT WE JUST BE A TAG TEAM AND YOU STOP TALKING OKAY GREAT.
ANYWAY THAT IS ENOUGH PROMO I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.
“You really gotta stop calling him Pirate God, Scott.”
Hands folded neatly into his lap, the HOTv Champion sits in a comfortable chair directly in front of a mighty wooden desk, listening intently to the man sitting behind it. It sounds less like a lecture and more like a friendly heads up, which is surprising given the man delivering the warning.
He is the CEO of HOW.
Michael Lee Best.
It’s the first time they’ve been face to face in what feels like ages. Michael had hardly been seen in the land of High Octane in months, and he’d been seemingly dodging his former trainee for even longer than that. Not for a lack of trying on the part of GREAT SCOTT, mind you— he’d been calling on a weekly basis for longer than he cared to admit.
GREAT SCOTT: HE IS A GOD WITH ONE EYE MICHAEL. AND WHY ARE YOU NOT RETURNING MY CALLS BECAUSE I AM PRETTY SURE YOU SAID THAT WE ARE FRIENDS.
Tenting his fingers in front of his chest, the Bastard Son of HOW slowly smirks, looking over the High Octane Television Champion. He has to admit, even if only to himself, that GREAT SCOTT has gone further than he ever imagined was possible– not many people remember that Scott Gratesburgh got his start as a member of FiveTime Academy’s first rookie class, but he was one of the first to ever grace it’s halls.
MIKE BEST: Scott… do you remember what I said to you the day we met? The first day of class?
Sitting upward in his chair, GREAT SCOTT puts his hands on the arms and leans in toward the man who taught him to be a wrestler.
GREAT SCOTT: YOU SAID “HI SCOTT GIVE ME FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS PLEASE” AND THEN I GAVE YOU FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
The Son of God rolls his eyes.
MIKE BEST: Yeah… after that.
GREAT SCOTT: OKAY THEN NO I DEFINITELY DO NOT REMEMBER.
The CEO smiles, leaning forward to match the posture of his former student. He rests his elbows on the desk.
MIKE BEST: I told you that if you stuck with me, and if you listened to me, that I was going to make you a star. And hey, look at you, Scott… not doing too bad for yourself. HOT VEE Champion… cool ass bear for a sidekick… you have fans across multiple promotions in the PWA, and you’re riding high. So keep listening, Scott. Stop with the Pirate God shit. It isn’t something that we’re looking to prom–
GREAT SCOTT: HI YES I AM LISTENING BUT PLEASE WAIT. I HAVE NOT TALKED TO YOU IN A VERY LONG TIME AND YOU DID NOT HELP ME DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS. I WON HOT VEE BY BEATING UP COWBOB CLAYPANTS AND YOU WERE NOT EVEN AT THE SHOW. I HAVE KNOWN GREAT BEAR MY WHOLE LIFE EVEN BEFORE I KNEW YOU. AND I GOT FAMOUS IN PRIME BECAUSE I WRESTLED GOOD AND DID HEADPHONE MURDER TO PASTOR RAY SO I DO NOT THINK IT IS FAIR FOR YOU TO TAKE CREDIT FOR MY SUCCESS. I WORKED VERY HARD.
Huffing indignantly, Michael leans back in his chair now, kicking his feet up onto his own desk. The warm smile on his face fades, as “business mode” begins to zone in.
MIKE BEST: Listen motherfucker.
The tone cuts SCOTT like a knife, coming out of nowhere. It’s cold, a relic of a Mike Best that hasn’t come out to play in a very long time. Since before SCOTT. Since before even Tyler. The ruthless tone of a man who captured ten HOW World Championships.
MIKE BEST: I don’t think it’s cute. The dancing bear and the yelling and the bullshit. You have the entire world eating out of your swollen little hands right now, but I fucking see through you. You’re a bit. You’re a fucking one trick pony and I’m amazed that the world didn’t get sick of listening to you talk months ago. But somehow, you’re still here, and somehow, you’re still winning, and somehow you are a fucking draw, so I have to live with your tired fucking existence week in and week out.
He stares a hole into SCOTT’s forehead, as the HOTv Champion looks on in horror. His eyes are filled with the sadness of a boy who is learning in real time that Santa Clause is real and that he’s adopted, all at the same time.
MIKE BEST: You had five thousand dollars and I needed five thousand dollars so I taught you an elbow collar tie up and then sent you out to lose matches in fucking Florida bingo halls. We are not friends. We have never been friends. What I am is your fucking boss, so I’m not asking you… I’m telling you… that the Pirate God shit stops. I have spent a decade of my fucking life listening to people call us the Pirate Fed and it was gone. It was dead. It was fucking buried. If I see one more goddamned sign in one of my arenas with my father’s face on a FUCKING JOLLY ROGER FLAG, I am going to fuck a hole in your forehead so deep that your stupid bear can lick honey off the head of my cock through the back of your skull. Do you understand me? No more HOTv Title. No more STRONKUMMS. No more HOW. I’ll send you back to your baby blue cesspool full of HOW rejects so fast that it’ll make your head spin. Are we square? Do you understand me? Buddy?
The smile of a used car salesman creeping back over his face, Michael leans back up to sit correctly in his chair, reaching a hand out to shake SCOTT’s. It’s barely even a challenge to keep a guy like SCOTT in line– he’s simple. Dumb. Eager to please. So intensely afraid of not being liked, and so desperately desperate to be successful, that he’ll run into traffic for you, should you demand it.
The HOTv Champion swallows hard, staring at Michael with sad eyes.
GREAT SCOTT: I UNDERSTAND.
But he doesn’t shake his hand.
GREAT SCOTT: NOW YOU LISTEN… MOTHERFUCKER.
The Son of God is literally taken aback, about rolling backward in his chair as his former protege speaks out against him for the first time. Speaks out against anyone, really. GREAT SCOTT’s voice does not waver… it only grows more confident.
GREAT SCOTT: I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE TREATING ME LIKE I AM AN IDIOT. I AM NOT AN IDIOT. I AM A GROWNUP AND I HAVE A BEAR THAT I TAKE CARE OF AND IT IS NOT EASY TO TAKE CARE OF A BEAR OKAY? AND MY BEAR IS NOT DEAD LIKE YOUR STUPID LION. MAYBE YOU ARE SALTY BECAUSE I AM UNDEFEATED AGAINST CANCER JILES WHO TOOK YOUR WORLD TITLE OR BECAUSE I BEAT BOBBY DEAN WHO TOOK YOUR LSD TITLE OR SCOTT STEVENS WHO TOOK YOUR WORLD TITLE OR CLAY BYRD WHO BASICALLY TOOK AWAY YOUR WHOLE CAREER. MAYBE YOU ARE SALTY BECAUSE I AM POPULAR AND EVERYONE LOVES ME WITHOUT ME EVEN HAVING TO TRY EVEN THOUGH YOU TRIED TO MAKE EVERYONE LIKE YOU FOR LITERALLY YOUR WHOLE CAREER. WHO KNOWS.
But he isn’t done.
Leaning forward, mere inches from Michael Lee Best’s face, SCOTT continues his tirade. A lot of frustration has been building in him for a long time, and it’s all coming out at once.
GREAT SCOTT: OR MAYBE IT MAKES YOU MAD TO SEE ME BEING GREAT IN PRIMETIME BECAUSE OCTANE WRESTLING IS THE ONLY PLACE YOU HAVE EVER MATTERED.
The HOTv Champion shrugs, but he doesn’t understand the button that he just pressed. In a flurry, the CEO of High Octane Wrestling leaps across the desk, trying furiously to get his hands on GREAT SCOTT. There is a scuffle between the two men, but it doesn’t last long– Michael Lee Best may be one of the greatest wrestlers in HOW history, but GREAT SCOTT is fucking shredded.
And he’s angry.
With a thunderous fury, GREAT SCOTT swings for the fences and punches Michael Lee Best directly in the jaw, knocking him clear over the desk and sending him tumbling to the floor. He pops up immediately, as the adrenaline, shock and embarrassment overcome him.
GREAT SCOTT: GO FUCK YOURSELF.
The suddenly empowered and embittered HOTv Champion cracks his knuckles, staring down at the CEO of High Octane Wrestling.
GREAT SCOTT: YOUR DAD IS A PIRATE GOD AND I AM ON HIS PIRATE CREW. I AM A HOT VEE MEGASTAR AND YOU CAN’T FIRE ME BECAUSE HE IS THE CAPTAIN AND YOU ARE JUST THE FIRST MATE. SO CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU RICKETY WRECK YOURSELF MY GUY I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.
The massive monster stands looming over the HOW Hall of Famer, staring into his eyes and asserting his dominance. It’s a new side of GREAT SCOTT– he isn’t just a lovable oaf, he’s also an absolute fucking predator.
GREAT SCOTT: SO… ARE WE SQUARE? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? BUDDY?
LARGE DADDY SCOTT reaches a hand down to help the CEO to his feet. Swallowing his pride, and evidently a big lump of fear, Michael Lee Best slowly takes his hand, accepting the assistance and softly nodding his head.
MIKE BEST: Yeah. We’re square.
With nothing but a nod, SCOTT picks up his six pack of LIQUID STRONKUMMS and heads for the office door. Before he makes it outside, though, Michael Best stops him.
MIKE BEST: Hey… Scott?
The HOTv Champion turns around, cocking an eyebrow at the Son of God. They stare at one another for a moment, neither of them speaking. Eventually, the CEO breaks into a mischievous smirk.
MIKE BEST: That actually pretty fucking dope.
GREAT SCOTT doesn’t respond, simply turning and walking out of the office. As the door slams behind him, Michael’s smirk slowly drifts away into a legitimate smile. He adjusts his tie, trying to look like he didn’t just get punched in the face as he sits back down at his desk and straightens his paperwork.
He muses proudly, only to himself.“…that kid is gonna fucking make it.”