HEY EVERYONE IT’S JERBOI.
WELL GUYS I DID IT. I BEAT DOOZER AND RETAINED MY HOT VEE AND NOW THE ONLY BANDIT LEFT FOR ME TO FIGHT IS CANCER JILES WHO IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE SO I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT. I ALMOST DID NOT RETAIN MY TITLE THOUGH BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE IS OLDER THAN ALL OF CONNOR FUME’S BINGO FRIENDS HE WAS ABLE TO KICK OUT OF THE SCOTTACANRANA.
THIS IS TERRIBLE NEWS.
THE SCOTTACANRANA IS THE MOST DEVASTATING FINISHING MOVE IN ALL OF WRESTLING AND DOOZER KICKED OUT OF IT TWICE. OBVIOUSLY THE Just Scott UNIVERSE IS SLOWLY LEAKING INTO MY OCTANE WRESTLING CAREER AND EVEN A SLOW LEAK CAN BE DEADLY ASK ME COUSIN UNLUCKY LARRY WHO DIED BECAUSE OF CARBON MONOXIDE IN HIS HOUSE. ACTUALLY YOU CAN’T ASK HIM BECAUSE HE DIED FROM THE CARBON MONOXIDE BUT HE IS STILL A CAUTIONARY TALE ABOUT SLOW LEAKS.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE Just Scott.
I HAVE TO PLUG THIS LEAK.
THIS WEEK I GET A CHANCE TO PLUG THE LEAK FOR GOOD BECAUSE I AM A FIGHTING CHAMPION AND I AM GOING TO FIGHTING CHAMPION AGAINST XANDER AZULA. XANDER I THINK IT IS WEIRD THAT YOU ONLY HAVE THE SECOND HALF OF A FIRST NAME BUT I WILL NOT JUDGE OR MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR THAT. MAKING FUN OF SOMEONE’S NAME IS VERY LOWBROW AND LOW HANGING FRUIT AND I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I COULD HAVE CALLED COWBOB CLAYPANTS A SILLY NAME LIKE CLAY TURD AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY BUT I PREFER TO TAKE MY OPPONENTS SERIOUSLY.
AND I TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY XANDER.
IT SEEMS LIKE MAYBE I AM THE ONLY ONE BECAUSE PEOPLE TREAT YOU LIKE YOU ARE A GOOFBALL. I UNDERSTAND HOW THAT GOES XANDER, PEOPLE ARE FOREVER SAYING HOW FUNNY MY PROMOS ARE BUT I AM NOT JERRY SEINFELD AND I DO KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH AIRPLANE FOOD AND THINK IT IS DELICIOUS. JUST BECAUSE I PUNCH ALL THE CHALLENGERS IN LINE FOR MY HOT VEE DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM A PUNCHLINE AND I WISH PEOPLE WOULD RECOGNIZE THAT. SO ME AND YOU XANDER WE ARE NOT SO DIFFERENT.
OKAY THAT WAS PARTIALLY A JOKE.
WE ARE NOT THAT MUCH ALIKE.
I AM A SWOLE STRONK GREAT BOI WITH A SWEET BEAR, AN ALMIGHTY GLARE AND THE HOT VEE CHAMPIONSHIP. YOU ARE A MAN WITH A LOT OF SCARS AND A TATTOO OF THE DEVIL RIDING A BICYCLE. WE COULD NOT BE MORE DIFFERENT. FOR TWO YEARS I HAVE ASSUMED THAT YOU WERE IN A WHEELCHAIR BECAUSE I NEVER SAW THE BOTTOM HALF OF YOUR BODY AND I DO NOT WATCH YOUR MATCHES BECAUSE I MOSTLY WATCH MAIN EVENTS AND MATCHES WITH CHAMPIONS IN THEM. I DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE A JOKE XANDER BUT SOMETIMES I THINK THAT YOU DO THINK YOU ARE A JOKE.
AND IT SHOWS MY GUY.
YOU HAVE NO CONFIDENCE.
LOOK AT ME XANDER WHEN I LOST MY PRIMETIME CONFIDENCE I BECAME Just Scott AND I COULD NOT WIN MATCHES OR TITLES ANYMORE. BUT HERE IN OCTANE WRESTLING I AM THE UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION OF HOT VEE AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN PINNED OR SUBMITTED OR KNOCKED OUT OR DQED OR COUNTED OUT OR HAD SOMEONE ESCAPE A CAGE I WAS IN OR WATCH SOMEONE TAKE MY TITLE OFF THE TOP OF A LADDER OR EVEN BEEN PUT THROUGH A TABLE IN A MATCH WHERE THAT MAKES YOU LOSE. SINCE I AM THE SAME PERSON NO MATTER WHERE I AM WRESTLING THEN THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS CONFIDENCE XANDER THAT IS JUST SCIENCE. PLUS THE MOST LIKELY EXPLANATION IS USUALLY THE RIGHT ONE YOU CAN GOOGLE IT. IT IS CALLED HALKUM’S RAZOR, HE IS AN ANCIENT PHILOSOPHER.
XANDER I HOPE THAT YOU FIND YOUR CONFIDENCE AND LEARN TO BE A BIG DEAL HOT VEE MEGASTAR LIKE JERBOI BUT THIS WEEK IS NOT THE TIME TO START FEELING YOURSELF. THE ONLY THING YOU WILL BE FEELING THIS WEEK IS THE POWER OF GREAT SCOTT JUST LIKE WHEN I TOOK BOBBY DEAN TO POUND TOWN. OKAY WHEN I SAY THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER I UNDERSTAND WHY JACE PARKOUR JAMISON SAYS I SHOULD STOP SAYING IT LIKE THAT. I AM SORRY BOBBY I DID NOT MEAN TO IMPLY THAT I MADE SEX WITH YOU OR DID STUFF WITH YOUR WEINER AND MY WEINER.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX XANDER I PROMISE BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET FUCKED ON. YOU ARE GOING TO GET FUCKED ON HARDER THAN THE FUTON AT JACE’S HOUSE. YOU ARE GOING TO GET FUCKED ON FASTER THAN THE FUTON AT JACE’S HOUSE TOO. YOU ARE GOING TO GET FUCKED ON FAST AND HARD XANDER BECAUSE ME AND MY HOT VEE CAN HANDLE MAN AFTER MAN WEEK AFTER WEEK AND I AM JUST NOW STARTING TO GET LOOSE AND HIT MY STRIDE. PLUS SINCE DOOZER KICKED OUT OF THE SCOTTACANRANA TWICE THAT JUST MEANS I HAVE TO COME UP WITH AN EVEN MORE DEVASTATING FINISHER NOW AND PLUG THE LEAK.
I REFUSE TO LEAK ALL OVER YOU XANDER.
I AM NOT UNLUCKY LARRY.
I AM GREAT SCOTT. THIS MIGHT BE THE ONLY PLACE I GET TO BE GREAT NOW SO I AM NOT LETTING GO OF IT EASILY. IF YOU TRY TO GET YOUR HANDS ALL OVER MY HOT VEE THIS WEEK HOPING THAT YOU CAN MAKE ME LEAK THEN I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL HAVE A BAD TIME BECAUSE NOBODY PUTS THEIR HANDS ON MY HOT VEE EVEN IF THEY ARE FEELING THEMSELVES. ANYWAY I AM GOING TO WRAP THIS UP NOW AND GO TAKE A SHOWER BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON I FEEL KIND OF GROSS AFTER SAYING ALL OF THAT.
MAYBE I AM STILL LEAKING.
HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE.
“TELL ME STRAIGHT DOCTOR AM I LEAKING?”
A pastel purple singlet beneath his patient’s gown, GREAT SCOTT sits on the plushy pleather table in the medical office of Dr. Keith Duhme, wriggling impatiently. A series of tests have been run all afternoon, as the HOTv Champion tries desperately to determine exactly what is wrong with him.
The doctor seems to have good news.
DR. DUHME: By all accounts, Scott, you’re healthy. I can’t advise that you continue to abuse steroids or narcotic drugs, as it will eventually kill you, but outside of that you’re actually in pretty peak health.
Furrowing his brow, GREAT SCOTT does not seem to vibe with that answer. Something has to be wrong with him, it otherwise doesn’t make any sense that he can be two completely different people in two completely different companies.
GREAT SCOTT: I KNOW ALL OF THAT DOCTOR DOOM I ASKED YOU IF I AM LEAKING.
The doctor cracks a smile, but stifles it.
DR. DUHME: It’s, uh… Duhme. Two syllables. Do-May. And I’m afraid I don’t understand… leaking? Are you have an issue with your bowels? How consistent have your stools been?
Again, the frustration is evident on SCOTT’s face.
This man is a medical doctor with a license to practice medicine. When a man goes to a doctor to find out why he’s leaking, he shouldn’t have to explain what that even is. He stares a hole in the center of the doctor’s forehead, exhibiting THE GLARE in all of its glory.
GREAT SCOTT: MY BOWLS AND STOOLS ARE FINE DOCTOR DOOM I DID NOT COME TO YOU FOR HELP WITH MY KITCHEN. I AM LEAKING. IN PRIMETIME WRESTLING I AM Just Scott AND I AM SAD AND I LOSE ALL MY MATCHES BUT IN OCTANE WRESTLING I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I AM VERY DOPE. LATELY THOUGH Just Scott IS LEAKING INTO OCTANE AND I AM WORRIED THAT MAYBE I AM DYING. PLEASE FIX ME WITH YOUR DOCTOR POWERS.
The doctor closes his eyes, fighting back a migraine that is for sure on the way as he wipes his glasses off on his white coat.
DR. DUHME: I’m gonna level with you here, Scott, I have absolutely no idea what any of that means and it doesn’t feel like it’s a medical issue. Have you considered speaking with a therapist? Or… a plumber?
In a huff, GREAT SCOTT tears his medical gown off, throwing it down on the floor. He’s still wearing his singlet underneath, and the thing is really starting to smell pretty rank.
GREAT SCOTT: I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO THE RAPIST AND I AM NOT A SINK I JUST WANT YOU TO FIX MY LEAK SO THAT I CAN BE GREAT AGAIN FULL TIME. WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS IS SUPPOSED TO STAY IN VEGAS SO PLEASE GIVE ME MEDICINE TO PLUG THE LEAK.
The doctor, already more than over this exchange, glances back down at the medical charts and softly nods his head. He just wants this fucking maniac out of his office, especially know how much cocaine is currently flowing through his blood stream, on top of the river of steroids.
DR. DUHME: Well, I would definitely recommend you seek out a therapist, Scott. But in the meantime, I can give you a little something that should help… plug the leak… that you’re concerned about.
He turns his back to GREAT SCOTT, reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out an empty prescription bottle. He then digs around in one of his drawers, finding a bag of Good N Plenty and filling the bottle to the brim. While he briefly considered writing an actual prescription for anxiety medicine, he quickly decides that adding more substances to SCOTT’s body that might alter his brain chemistry is not worth the risk.
DR. DUHME: I want you to take two of these a day, preferably with food. Swallow. Don’t chew. And try to cut down on the STRONKUMMS, it will literally kill you.
He walks the bottle over to GREAT SCOTT, placing the placebo directly into his hands. The HOTv Champion smiles, looking about as grateful as a man can look.
GREAT SCOTT: THANK YOU DR. DOOM. I HAVE HEARD A LOT OF BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU FROM A DIFFERENT DOCTOR BUT I THINK MAYBE HE WAS STRETCHING THE TRUTH.
The doctor rolls his eyes.
DR. DUHME: …was it Dr. Reed Richards, Scott? Because I’m “Dr. Doom”?
His face contorting in confusion, GREAT SCOTT vehemently shakes his head “no”.
GREAT SCOTT: NO HE IS FROM COMIC BOOKS. I AM TALKING ABOUT DR. STEPHEN JOHNSON WHO HAS AN OFFICE ON FOURTH STREET. HE SAID YOU ARE A MALPRACTICE NIGHTMARE AND THAT YOU HAVE A LOW STANDARD OF CARE.
The awkwardness lingers in the air for a few seconds, with both SCOTT and the doctor just staring blankly at eachother. SCOTT shakes the bottle of placebo pills in his hand, looking down at them with a grin.
GREAT SCOTT: ANYWAY. I APPRECIATE YOUR HELP DOCTOR DOOM I WILL TAKE THESE TWICE A DAY WITH FOOD AND SOON I WILL STOP LEAKING AND I WILL NEVER BE Just Scott AGAIN. WELL EXCEPT FOR IN PRIMETIME BECAUSE I HAVE TO EARN MY WAY BACK TO GREATNESS THERE BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR EVEN A MEDICAL PROBLEM THAT IS JUST ME SUCKING DICK AT WRESTLING WHEN I WRESTLE IN VEGAS I GUESS.
With absolute delight, GREAT SCOTT shakes the pill bottle at the doctor one more time before taking his leave from the office. He opens the bottle, taking a single Good N Plenty out and popping it into his mouth before remembering that he’s supposed to take it with food.
He pokes his head back into the office.
GREAT SCOTT: HEY DOC DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A COUNTRY HAM AND SOME POTATOES? I NEED TO TAKE MY MEDICINE.
The doctor blinks several times, almost in awe.
DR. DUHME: No, Scott. I… do not have an entire ham and some potatoes. I’m sorry.
With a shrug, GREAT SCOTT disappears back out into the hallway, resolving to get some Chik Fil A or something on the way back to the parking lot of the Best Arena. I’d say “on the way home”, but he drove his home to the doctor’s office.
Today was the start of something GREAT.
He can feel it in his Swole bones, as GREAT SCOTT swallows the vaguely black licorice flavored pill dry, patting his tummy. He doesn’t have the faintest idea that the medicine he’s received is a placebo, nor does he have even the slightest inkling that he isn’t “leaking” in the first place.
He’s just shaken.
His confidence is broken. He’s succeeding in HOW because he believes that he will continue to succeed in HOW, but his absolute obsession with his losing ways in PRIME has begun to sink into his everyday life. If two Good N Plenty’s a day help to solve the problem, what’s the harm? It’s better than the alternative— if Just Scott makes his way past the thin line drawn between Las Vegas and Chicago, then the SCOTT we know and tolerate may cease to exist entirely. And while candy placebos may be able to treat the symptoms…
…only SCOTT can cure the disease.
It’s time to Make Scott Great Again™.
ALEXANDER YOU ARE SO FUCKED DUDE.
I AM SORRY FOR DEADNAMING YOU AND I KNOW I PROMISED NO JOKES ABOUT YOUR NAME BUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH LETTERS A-L-E? ALE IS BEER WHICH IS GREAT AND UNLESS YOU ARE SO STRAIGHT EDGE THAT YOU CANNOT EVEN SAY BEER THEN YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE. PLUS XANDER FROM BUFFY WAS A WEIRD SIMP WHO LOST AN EYE SO I AM JUST SAYING IT IS A BAD OMEN IN OCTANE WRESTLING TO BASE YOUR IDENTITY ON A MAN WHO LOST AN EYE.
ANYWAY SPEAKING OF ALE.
AS I WRITE THIS I AM SITTING ON THE ROOF OF THE GREAT ESCAPE WITH GREAT BEAR AND ENJOYING A TALL BOTTLE OF STRONKAHOL NOW WITH 97% ABV. I AM TRYING TO SWITCH TO STRONKAHOL SINCE THE DOCTOR TOLD ME THAT REGULAR STRONKUMMS MIGHT KILL ME. ONLY I AM DRINKING IT THOUGH NOT GREAT BEAR BECAUSE JACE SAYS THAT STRONKAHOL WOULD KILL HIM. THEN I SAID “HEY IT JUST KILLS BEARS RIGHT NOT PEOPLE?” AND HE TOLD ME WE COULD TALK MORE ONCE HIS LAWYER WAS THERE.
BOY I AM REALLY FEELING THIS STRONKAHOL.
IT IS LIKE REGULAR LIQUID STRONKUMMS EXCEPT THAT ALSO I AM KIND OF SAD BUT WANT TO FIGHT EVERYONE WHICH IS A GOOD ENERGY FOR ME TO HAVE HEADING INTO A TITLE DEFENSE. XANDER IT MIGHT BE THE STRONKAHOL TALKING BUT I JUST WANT TO KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING TEETH MY GUY. I DO NOT LIKE THE SHAPE OF YOUR HEAD OR THE WAY YOU SAY WORDS. YOUR WHOLE LIFE ENERGY JUST KIND OF BUMS ME OUT. NORMALLY I SAY THAT MY MATCHES ARE NOT PERSONAL AND IT IS JUST ABOUT HOT VEE BUT IF I HAD A GUN AND ONLY ONE BULLET, AND IT WAS YOU HITLER AND CANCER JILES IN A ROOM, I WOULD FORCE YOU TO SHOOT JILES AND THEN BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THE EMPTY GUN SO THE LAST MEMORY YOU HAD BESIDES BLUNT MELEE GUN DEATH WAS THAT I MADE YOU KILL A GUY.
OKAY THAT WAS MAYBE TOO MUCH.
I AM SORRY XANDER.
THIS REALLY IS KINDA PERSONAL THOUGH. LAST WEEK DOOZER KICKED OUT OF MY FINISHER TWICE AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO HURT YOU SO BAD THAT YOU CANNOT KICK OUT OF ANYTHING AT ALL. SO I GUESS MAYBE IT IS PERSONAL TOWARD THE EGG BANDITS BUT SINCE I RAN OUT OF HENCHMEN TO FIGHT YOU WILL BE THE ONE WHO TAKES THE BEATING. MAYBE THAT IS NOT FAIR BUT IT ALSO IS NOT FAIR THAT I AM NOT A PWA MEGASTAR ANYMORE JUST BECAUSE JILES DID GLUE MURDER AND OCW LIKES THE R WORD TOO MUCH. NONE OF THAT IS MY FAULT JUST LIKE THE ASS WHOOPING YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE IS NOT YOUR FAULT BUT THAT’S THE WAY THE POPCORN POPS.
HAVE A GREAT WEEK XANDER.
CAUSE I AM GREAT SCOTT.
AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.