Hey guys, Just Scott here.
It’s jerboi I guess. I don’t know, honestly I am not feeling like myself lately and I do not feel like anyone’s boy, not even jer. Maybe you are confused about the way I’m talking though and it’s okay because not everyone keeps up on primetime wrestling every week. Basically I am a fucking loser in primetime and I lose most of my matches there even though I am a hot vee legend and then this week I even found out that I am not a pwa megastar anymore. Cancer jiles is the real pwa megastar because he gets main events in primetime and he is the universal champion now after doing glue murder to phil atken.
And speaking of bandits.
This week I have a match against Doozer. He is an egg bandit and as everyone knows I have a pretty serious problem with the egg bandits since cancer jiles didn’t let me become a bandit and also because he’s a big piece of shit. Even though I am not great anymore and I am Just Scott I have to put all that aside and take Doozer to the shed for some wood because this match is for my hot vee championship and it is literally all I have left. If I lose this match jace parkour jamison will not give me any more stronkumms and I am now very very addicted to it because it makes me stronk but also because it has cocaine in it which is very addictive.
Doozer you are not a bad guy.
You are a weird guy but you are not a bad guy. You wear jorts which is the coolest and I like that you look like the world famous actor from suicide squad who played peacemaker that show is awesome. But you are a pretty weird guy doozer I am just saying. Your parents named you after fragile rock which is a show about rocks that break very easily and that is fitting because nobody takes more breaks from octane wrestling than you do. Maybe you guys should change your names to the egg timers because every sixty seconds you are done. Sometimes you quit because you are angry but other times you just fade away like the end of avengers infinity war and no one sees you for five years.
Honestly I have nothing against you doozer and I like bobby too but you guys work for a fucking asshole bad guy with a stupid haircut and you are basically his henchman. I may have lost my smile to raisin at the primetime supershow but I am planning to get it back by beating up cancer and the only way for me to get to him is to beat you up first. That is the rule if you have henchman I think. You get to throw all of your henchman at the hero first before someone finally gets to fight you. Doozer this is basically like john wick and the egg bandits killed my dog but in this case the dog is my dream of becoming a pwa megastar.
But I don’t feel like john wick.
I feel like some guy named Just Scott who watched his dog get killed and his car get stolen but instead of killing someone with a pencil and saying cool stuff like “whoa” he just goes home and watches netflix and makes a can of campbell’s soup. I do not even like soup very much and there is nothing good on netflix anymore doozer so I really need to get my mojo back and you are going to be my mojo maker. Because we are not fighting in primetime wrestling this week doozer we are fighting in octane wrestling and in octane wrestling I am still a star.
Wait that’s right.
In octane WRESTLING I AM STILL A STAR.
Whoa that was weird I don’t know why I started talking like that sorry everyone. I started thinking about all the cool main events that I have had here and how I am the champion of hot vee AND SUDDENLY I GOT VERY EXCITED AGAIN AND FELT GREAT OH GOD IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN. HOLD ON LET ME SEE IF I CAN HARNESS THIS FEELING BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I FEEL SOMETHING I HAVE NOT FELT IN MY WEEKS WHICH IS HOW DOOZER FEELS WHEN A WOMAN GIVES HIM A HUG FOR A FEW SECONDS. YES I THINK I HAVE IT NOW HOLY SHIT I AM NOT JUST SCOTT I AM GREAT SCOTT. WHEN I AM IN OCTANE WRESTLING.
DOOZER THIS IS BAD NEWS FOR YOU MY GUY.
JERBOI IS ABOUT TO POP HIS LAST CAN OF LIQUID STRONKUMMS AND THEN PRACTICE COOL GUY LINES TO SAY WHEN I GO JOHN WICK ON YOUR ASS. MAYBE IF YOU FOUGHT ME IN PRIMETIME WHERE I AM STILL A LOSER YOU COULD HAVE A CHANCE BUT YOUR GOOSE IS FUCKING COOKED BRO. AND ONCE I COOK THAT GOOSE I AM GOING TO STEAL IT’S EGGS BECAUSE I WANT TO SHOW CANCER JILES THAT YOU GUYS DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO EGG BANDITRY. YOU THROW EGGS AT PEOPLE BUT YOU NEVER SEEM TO STEAL EGGS YOU JUST BUY THEM FROM THE STORE LIKE A BUNCH OF SQUARES.
AND SQUARE EGGS DO NOT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE.
DOOZER I AM STRONK TO THE FINISH CAUSE I DRINK MY STRONKUMMS AND I AM FUCKING GREAT SCOTT BITCH I WILL KILL YOU. FOR AS LONG AS PIRATE GOD KEEPS THIS HOT VEE AROUND MY WAIST I WILL BE LARGE DADDY SCOTT ON THE HOT VEE NETWORK AND THAT MEANS YOU WILL FEAR MY BEAR AND MY GLARE. THAT MEANS I HAVE THE BIGGEST BICEPS ON PLANET EARTH. THAT MEANS THAT THERE IS NOTHING HOTTER THAN GREAT SCOTTER AND LARGE DADDY SCOTT HAS WHAT YOU NEED.
YELL LOUDLY IF YOUR FUCKING EARS WORK.
“PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT PRIMETIME RIGHT NOW.”
Heaving upward, the man concurrently known as both GREAT SCOTT and Just Scott pushes the barbell off from chest level and Groots it straight up above him, his arms looking jacked and swole as he finishes a clean set of superhuman bench presses. The gaggle of onlookers around him ooh and ah, watching him slam the bar down into the rack at the head of the bench.
YOUNG FAN: Sorry Scott, I just wanted to know if you were going to fight Rezin again for the Five Star Championship. He has now beaten you twice and you promised you would be champion.
A knot forms in the stomach of Scott Gratesburgh, as he sits up on the bench and looks the young fan in the eyes. She’s no more than eight or nine years old, and already she’s asking the kinds of very specific questions that fans seem to ask wrestlers in their promos. It’s as though they’ve been planted there to ask a pointed question for absolutely no reason other than to move the plot forward.
Kids today, man.
This new generation is so predictable.
GREAT SCOTT: LISTEN SMALL GIRL I SAID PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT PRIMETIME. I AM IN CHICAGO AND I AM A HOT VEE STAR HERE AND IF YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT PRIMETIME I WILL GET SAD AND LOSE MY SMILE AND IT WILL make me struggle against doozer this week at chaos and oh god. Oh no. Oh no no no.
Realizing that he’s suddenly lost his mojo, GRE– Just Scott frantically looks around his training space, trying to find something to perk him back up. Sitting next to his sweat towel, he spots a bottle of NEW BREAKFAST BLEND LIQUID STRONKUMMS BACON AND EGG FLAVORED NOW WITH 10% MORE COCAINE waiting idly for his consumption. He quickly grabs the bottle, ripping off the cap and greedily guzzling the entire think, letting out a loud belch at the end.
GREAT SCOTT: PHEW THAT WAS CLOSE. LITTLE GIRL YOU ARE NOT A WRESTLING JOURNALIST SO PLEASE STOP ASKING RIDICULOUSLY SPECIFIC QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WRESTLING INDUSTRY. RIGHT NOW I AM ON THE OCTANE WRESTLING CLOCK AND WHEN I AM IN OCTANE WRESTLING I AM A SUPERSTAR AND A CHAMPION. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT PRIMETIME WRESTLING YOU CAN DO THAT BIWEEKLY ON THEIR WEBSITE BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME.
He tilts the bottle upside down, trying to shake off another drop of the questionably dangerous breakfast supplement into his open mouth. He gets barely a drizzle, furrowing his eyebrows.
YOUNG FAN: It’s just that next week, you are facing Ned Reform, a relative nobody. It seems that your stock is on the decline, and I even heard that you lost your PWA Megastar status to PRIME Universal Champion Cancer Jiles. Don’t you think that maybe–
GREAT SCOTT: HEY WAIT A MINUTE I SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. THIS IS A VICIOUS TRICK BY THE EGG BANDITS TO MAKE ME A LITTLE SADBOY BEFORE MY MATCH AGAINST DOOZER. THIS IS THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK IN FACT IT IS THE VERY FIRST TRICK IN THE BOOK IT IS THAT OLD.
His adrenaline kicking into overdrive, GREAT SCOTT pushes past the crowd of fans that, in hindsight, seem to have shown up completely unprompted. He runs to the window of the gym, peering out into the bushes in a paranoid haze and shaking his fist in righteous fury.
Except that it isn’t just paranoia.
Peeping through the brush like a jungle cat in the savannah, noted Egg Bandit Bobby Dean’s eyes stare back at GREAT SCOTT, growing wide and afraid as he realizes that he’s been spotted.
GREAT SCOTT: BOBBY DEAN I WILL GET YOU AND ALL THE EGG BANDITS. YOU WILL ALL FEEL MY BEAR AND MY GLARE AND EVENTUALLY THE SCOTTACANRANA.
Giggling to himself like an evil cartoon dog, Bobby Dean disappears back into the bushes, chubby-running back into the parking lot to make his escape. He takes a good portion of the bush with him– either he’s wearing a very elaborate ghillie suit, or his fat ass just literally pulled the greeny up from their roots in his hurry to escape.
GREAT SCOTT puts his hands on his hips, shaking his head.
GREAT SCOTT: THOSE EGG BANDITS ARE A MENACE AND THEY NEED TO BE STOPPED. I DO NOT BLAME BOBBY THOUGH HE IS JUST A PAWN IN A LARGER GAME. THAT GAME IS MONOPOLY BECAUSE CANCER JILES THINKS HE CAN JUST BE THE CHAMPION AND THE MEGASTAR OF EVERYTHING AND THAT IS NOT FAIR. OTHER PEOPLE NEED A TURN TOO. JILES THINKS THAT HE CAN MAKE ME LOSE MY SMILE LIKE WHEN HE DID GLUE MURDER ON PHIL ATKEN BUT I AM NOT A HORSE I AM THE CHAMPION OF HOT VEE.
The former PWA Megastar turns back toward the crowd of fake fans, but they’ve all ninja-vanished away while he was shaking his fist at the man who drove them here. Outside the window, they’re all climbing into a van with Bobby Dean sitting in the driver’s seat.
GREAT SCOTT: THE EGG BANDITS HAVE DISCOVERED MY GREATEST WEAKNESS. HERE IN OCTANE WRESTLING I AM AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE WHO CANNOT LOSE UNLESS JACE PARKOUR JAMISON HAS AN OFF WEEK. BUT IN PRIMETIME I AM A LOSER FOR SOME REASON AND THEY ARE TRYING TO TURN ME INTO JUST SCOTT IN THE KINGDOM OF THE PIRATE GOD.
Vehemently shaking his head “no”, SCOTT rushes for a second bottle of NEW BREAKFAST BLEND LIQUID STRONKUMMS BACON AND EGG FLAVORED NOW WITH 10% MORE COCAINE, pulling it out of his bag and cracking the seal.
GREAT SCOTT: YOU HAVE TO GET UP A LOT EARLIER THAN THAT TO TRICK GREAT SCOTT YOU SNEAKY EGG BANDITS. YOU HAVE TO GET UP AT LIKE FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING. THE LAST PERSON TO TRICK ME WAS TREACHEROUS TRENT AND I AM TOLD THAT HE HAD TO STOP SLEEPING AT ALL IN ORDER TO STEAL MY IDENTITY WITH A FAKE TINDER ACCOUNT. I AM JUST SAYING.
To a certain degree, he’s right.
The Bandits aren’t going to get in his head.
But it isn’t because Scott Gratesburgh is impervious to mind games– it’s because right now, he’s so in his own head that there’s no room for anyone else. Bobby Dean’s cruel trick may have been manufactured, but the girl still made good points– GREAT SCOTT had promised that he would be a double champion. He’d sworn that he was a PWA MEGASTAR. He’d been nigh unstoppable for months. So what had happened? What made him a liar? What stopped him from being GREAT the second that he stepped foot into Las Vegas?
It was a problem that LIQUID STRONKUMMS couldn’t solve.
A question that GREAT SCOTT could not currently answer.
The wind falling out of his sails, Scott lets a long sigh escape him as he collects his towel and training bag. He takes a long, warm sip of his BREAKFAST STRONKUMMS, trying to keep his heart rate at a minimum of 120 beats per second in order to stop from changing back into Just Scott in the midst of his depression.
GREAT SCOTT: DOOZER I AM SURE YOU CAN HEAR ME BECAUSE OF YOUR ELABORATE AND CRUEL ATTEMPT TO PLAY MIND GAMES WITH ME SO I AM GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE AND THEN NEVER AGAIN PROBABLY EXCEPT MAYBE WHEN I WRAP THINGS UP IN MY FINAL PROMO. I DO NOT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I NEED THIS WIN AND HOW MUCH I NEED TO REMAIN THE CHAMPION OF HOT VEE.
He rubs his hands in his eyes, trying to shake off the funk.
GREAT SCOTT: FOR MY WHOLE CAREER I WAS A LOSER AND I THOUGHT THAT PRIMETIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT BUT IT WASN’T DIFFERENT AT ALL. I AM STILL A JABRONI IN PRIMETIME AND I HAVE TO EARN MY WAY BACK TO CALLING MYSELF GREAT. BUT HERE IN OCTANE DOOZER I NEVER STOPPED BEING GREAT. I HAVE A REAL TITLE HERE AND FANS THAT LOVE ME AND JAY PEEDEE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND ME AND STRONK HAVE LONG TALKS ABOUT ART AND POLITICS. PIRATE GOD HAS ACCEPTED ME FOR WHO I AM EVEN THOUGH HE TRIES NOT TO BOOK ME AND STRONK ON THE SAME SHOW.
Taking another long sip from his drink, GREAT SCOTT can feel the beast trying to take over. He’s starting to feel small and insecure and in no way swole.
His bicep twitches.
GREAT SCOTT: YOU GUYS DO NOT LOVE OCTANE WRESTLING. YOU COME AND GO AS YOU PLEASE AND YOU DO YOUR JOKES AND YOUR BITS AND YOUR CRACKING NEWS. BUT THIS PLACE MEANS A LOT TO ME NOW. PIRATE GOD RESPECTS ME AND EVERYONE ALWAYS TELLS ME THAT THEY LIKE MY PROMOS AND I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE MY HOT VEE BANDITED AWAY BY A BUNCH OF GUYS WHO WILL JUST DO IT FOR A GOOF AND THEN DISAPPEAR IN A FEW MONTHS. THIS PLACE IS NOT A PLAYGROUND FOR BITS DOOZER IT IS A REAL WRESTLING COMPANY THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO PEOPLE AND YOU HAVE WORKED HERE AND NOT WORKED HERE TOO MANY TIMES.
The bottle is empty, and now SCOTT begins to shake. It feels like his insides are on fire– like he’s having a panic attack that is somehow making his muscles shrink. His back begins to curl forward, making him look almost an inch shorter on posture alone.
GREAT SCOTT: I DO NOT WANT TO BE A loser HERE GUYS I AM TIRED OF BEING A loser AND IF I lose the hot vee championship then what am I? I am just some guy like scott stevens WHO I SHOOT BEAT IN OCW OR LIKE STEVE HARRISON WHO IS JUST A GUY WHO DOESN’T HAVE A THING. OH WAIT steve harrison beat me last week when he pinned jace parkour jamison too oh god has it already begun? Am I already starting to be Just Scott in octane wrestling and I didn’t know it yet? This is really bad, I need more breakfast stronkumms i need to called jay peedee and see if he can float me some until chaos oh shit oh fuck oh no.
In a panicked rush, Just Scott grabs his workout bag and runs for the door of the gym, bursting through it like a depressed Kool-Aid man and sprinting out into the parking lot.
This isn’t good.
It turns out that while the SCOTTACANRANA may truly be one of the most devastating moves in all of professional wrestling, the true secret to the success of Scott Gratesburgh has always been his supremely unearned confidence. Even when he’d been a certified member of the Jobber’s Guild in OCW, he’d always done so with great self esteem. Been proud of the work he’d done. Saw a silver lining to every single gray cloud.
With that confidence on the wane?
Well… he was Just Scott.
Losing the HOTv Championship could be the nail that finally seals the casket on GREAT SCOTT forever, reducing him to a hunched over manchild desperately drinking meat flavored energy drinks. As much as he wanted to win the greater war with the Egg Bandits, it was becoming more and more clear that every battle was just as important as the bigger picture. Doozer wasn’t just some henchman in the way of a final battle with Cancer Jiles.
He was the thing that could break GREAT SCOTT forever.
HEY GUYS IT’S JERBOI AGAIN.
JAY PEEDEE LOANED ME THREE CANS OF REGULAR LIQUID STRONKUMMS WHEN I MET HIM AT WENDY’S FOR LUNCH SO NOW I AM FEELING A LITTLE BETTER AGAIN. HE MADE ME A GOOD DEAL TOO HE SAID I ONLY HAVE TO PAY SIXTY ONE PERCENT INTEREST ON ANY MONEY OR GOODS ADVANCED TO ME BY THE STRONKUMMS CORPORATION WHICH IS BASICALLY A STEAL WITH THE STATE OF THE ECONOMY RIGHT NOW. HE SAYS THE DOLLAR HAS NEVER BEEN STRONKER AND WE ARE GOING TO LOOK AT SOME PROPERTY THIS WEEK THAT HE WANTS ME TO INVEST IN WITH ALL THE STRONKUMMS MONEY HE IS ADVANCING ME AND THAT WE LITERALLY CAN’T LOSE.
AND I LIKE THE WAY THAT SOUNDS.
IT’S FUNNY GUYS BECAUSE I USED TO LOSE ALL THE TIME AND I DIDN’T CARE AT ALL. I LOST TO FABIAN DUFRESNE WHO WAS A REAL BASTARD AND LILITH WHO WAS A REAL PIECE OF SHIT. I LOST TO EVERYONE BUT THAT WAS MY JOB AND IT FELT FINE. BUT NOW THAT I HAVE HAD A TASTE OF WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A MEGASTAR AND A CHAMPION AND A REAL WRESTLER, I CAN’T IMAGINE EVER GOING BACK TO BEING A JABRONI. I DO NOT WANT TO EVER BE A MEMBER OF THE JOBBER’S GUILD AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I HEARD THEY DO INSURANCE NOW.
SO I AM READY FOR WAR DOOZER.
I AM READY FOR YOU AND ALL OF YOUR BANDIT SHENANIGANS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THERE WILL BE SHENANIGANS. YOU HAVE A SHOT AT MY HOT VEE TITLE THIS WEEK AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE PROBABLY GOING TO FIGHT VERY HARD TO WIN IT BECAUSE IT IS A VERY PRESTIGIOUS TITLE THAT GOT HELD BY STRONK AND JACE PARKOUR JAMISON AND SOME GUY NAMED REDACTED WHO NOBODY LIKES TO TALK ABOUT. AND I DO NOT BLAME YOU BECAUSE I AM GOING TO FIGHT VERY HARD TOO. I KNOW THEY CALL THIS A TELEVISION TITLE BUT IT FEELS LIKE A WORLD TITLE TO ME AND IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. I GET TO FIGHT PEOPLE FROM EVERY OTHER COMPANY ANY TIME THEY WANT AND I DEFEND MY BELT EVERY WEEK AGAINST PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT EASY TO DEFEND YOUR BELT AGAINST.
I AM A REAL CHAMPION DOOZER.
NOT SOME FAIRWEATHER BANDIT.
NOT SOME GUY WHO JUST COMES AND GOES AS HE PLEASES. AND NOT SOME GUY LIKE YOUR BOSS WHO WINS A TITLE AND THEN STOPS CARING ABOUT IT RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE HE HAD TO INVENT THE TRAMPOLINE OR SMOKE A LOT OF DRUGS. SO I WANT YOU TO BRING YOUR SHENANIGANS AND YOUR EGGS AND ALL THE SUPLEXES YOU KNOW HOW TO DO AND I WANT YOU TO FIGHT ME AT CHAOS LIKE YOU ARE FIGHTING FOR THE WORLD TITLE. BECAUSE EVEN IF I AM A LOSER IN PRIMETIME AND I AM JUST SCOTT IN LAS VEGAS, WE ARE IN CHICAGO RIGHT NOW BITCH. AND WHEN WE ARE HERE?
I AM GREAT SCOTT.
AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.