Gamechanger

Why haven’t you hit back yet? 

 

I gave you plenty of time. Did the hamster die on the wheel? Are you hiding out in some hotel room on your flight back from the Ukraine?

 

But hey, since you’ve gone silent, let me fill the void, just like I had to fill the void of a great American on this roster.

 

Why do you think you haven’t amounted to much in HOW?

 

I’d like to hear it in your own words.

 

Spin me tales of all the people who’ve screwed you over. Weave intricate webs of how you’ve had it harder than anyone else in HOW. 

 

What have you done for this company that means you get to share a place in the same Hall of Fame I’m in? Why haven’t you ever earned a World Title shot one on one before I gave you one? Even in the Best Alliance, did Lee Best see how unworthy you really were and realized you’d shit the bed in the main event?

 

Why is the last notable thing you’ve done on your own been a best of seven series with a butterball named Bobby Dean? And why the fuck did it take you until the seventh match to beat him?

 

Why is it that our production department generates videos for you that create more hype, more interest in you as a human being than you have been able to accomplish on your own?

 

And why do you, with all your time in HOW and with all your accolades from the military, have the depth of a kiddie pool and the dimensionality of a straight line. It’s like you’re not even real. You’re like a stereotype of someone who thinks you are what a former military man should be. You’re as popular as a Supreme Court ruling on a Friday with police presence. There are paintings with more charisma than you.

 

You call yourself the “Alpha Male” but in reality, you’re more like a Sigma. Oh wait. I misspoke. You’re more like a Ligma. So ligma nuts, douchebag.

 

Alpha males are leaders but you sure as fuck aren’t. You’re a follower. Always have been and always will be. Want to prove me wrong? Then quit the Highwaymen. 

 

Go out on your own or start your own shitty group where you all form a masturbatory circle over each others’ military careers. Then, you fuckers can feel like you accomplished something since you can’t seem to win any fucking titles without help.

 

Oh and I know about your Tag title. Just remember it was JJR that handed that award to you. Because if he didn’t, the team of Byrd and Solex would’ve lost with your dumb ass eating another pin.

 

So, congrats, MERCDAD, mission accomplished, on being a follower.

 

Speaking of which, you call yourself a MERCDAD. That’s because you put your military service before your family. But don’t worry, I’ll take care of your family. I can show them what a real dad is. See, I’ll find your wife, fuck her, and give her some true, red white and blue blooded American children that she can actually be proud of.

 

Hell, judging from how pissed off you are all the time, I’m guessing it’s because the wife ain’t happy at home. But I’ll fix that. I’ll make sure she’s satisfied for the first time in her life.

 

She’ll finally get a piston riling up her insides instead of the bottle cap she’s been getting for the past few years. 

 

On July 3rd, you’re going to see what I’m capable of one on one in HOFC. I’ve survived lions, ACTUAL FUCKING LIONS, in HOFC matches. They’ve clawed the shit out of my shoulders and arms. You think that shit stops me?

 

You had your fucking eagle attack me and take away my arm. Look at what I accomplished in War Games with one arm.

 

I WON IT!!!

 

And I did it by pinning both of your team’s War Games captains, one of whom is Clay Byrd, who you’d bark “Yes sir!” to if he wants you to lick the peanut butter off his nuts.

 

In the HOFC cage, I’m going to fuck you up. I’m going to humble you. I’m going to dishonorably discharge you from HOW and leave you to crawl back to the remnants of your family as a sad and broken down military man with PTSD from our experience and leave you with no choice but to fucking off yourself out of disgrace.