Fucking Karen

The scene opens to a sprawling park in Chicago. In the background the impressive Soldier Field stands tall against the sky. Although the trees in the park are missing their leaves, it looks quite peaceful. That is until a couple of blokes come walking down one of the paths, crossing right in front of the camera. Shoes slapping off the white walking paths we see Mikey Unlikely and his tag team partner Kendrix.

Mikey is wearing his gold shades, a track suit jacket and designer jeans on. JFK on the other hand resembles a rather disheveled looking character, his clothes mirroring his unkempt hair and scruffy beard, shirt hanging out of his trousers and heavily ripped jeans. God knows what those eyes look like underneath those dark shades.

As they walk we begin to hear them mid conversation.

Kendrix: …So you’re saying it’s not REAL Bears playing sports in that stadium?

The Hollywood C Lister shakes his head as he talks.

Mikey: Nah, that’s just the name of the team. It’s regular people like you and me, albeit a little less athletic than we are.

Kendrix: Obvs!

Mikey: Totally Obvs!

JFK looks a little disappointed.

Kendrix: Well that’s a lot less exciting than I originally thought. If you told me that before I would have just stayed at the strippees. And one more time just so I understand correctly…they don’t kick the FOOTball in football here?

Mikey: Well sometimes, but we kick it ABOVE the bar in our sport, not below it. Otherwise you can also run or throw it into the “goal zone” I think they call it. I don’t know, I just go for appearances.

As they walk past the camera it turns with them and we see they have reached the steps of the famous Field Museum. As they scale the steps the deep conversation continues.

Kendrix: You know the strippees are going to name one of their strippee rooms after me.

Mikey: Dude, have you been at the strippees all night again? You’re not looking your usual dapper self.

He moves in closer and takes a wif underneath Jesse’s shirt collar..

Mikey: Hey! That’s Chardonnay’s perfume….mixed with booze!

Kendrix shrugs his shoulders, hands out wide and flat by his side.

Kendrix: Guilty! You’ve got such a good sense of smell, bruv. I’ve always said that.

Mikey: Yeah, but I said it first. Have you even slept?

The Londoner slowly removes his shades to reveal bloodshot eyes and baggy lids. He quickly squints and momentarily holds his hand to his head to help avoid the bright cold light of the day.

Kendrix: Look, how many times have I told you. They need to stop making strippee bars. OK? They have two of my favourite things available, Mikey!

Mikey: Jeez. If they didn’t shut you’d never leave.

Jesse nods along, grinning, not embarrassed in the slightest by his best friend’s comment. As his eyes adjust to the light he sees the sign for the Field Museum.

Kendrix: Ahhh Seriously, Mikey? if you wanted me to sleep I could have just gone home, bruv. Why are we here?! You know I hate fields. I’ve told you this several times. I even wrote it down, it’s on our fridge in the apartment. Remember? Jesse’s list of things that he hates? It’s number 78.

Mikey’s eyes focus as he brings the palm of his hand to his chiseled jaw in thought.

SWOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH (Flashback Sounds)

The scene shifts quickly to the Bruvs’ apartment zooming straight to the giant fridge and Jesse’s long list typed out in the old fashioned printer paper with the holes on the side. There it is! Number 78. Fields. In between 77 When you order a Frapp and get a Latte, and 79 When the strippees are closed.

SWOOOOOOOOOSSSHHHH (Flashback Sounds)

The scene returns quickly back on Mikey outside the Museum. Removing his hand from his chiseled jaw he looks over at his tag partner and pats him on the shoulder.

Mikey: You’re right, Bruv. It’s there alright. But I checked it out before I decided to come here today. This place isn’t a museum about fields as such.It’s just called the Field Museum.

The pair walk up to the front of the building. Mikey presents his tickets he bought online with his cell phone, and the two are granted access.

As they walk in they immediately go to the first Dinosaur exhibit. Signage hangs above the impressive dinosaur bone display.

“Karen The T-Rex”

Mikey: Here it is Bruv, this is the one I was telling you about. Check it out! Full size Tyrannosaurus Rex! It’s HUGE!

Kendrix: That’s what she said!

Mikey: THERE HE IS! GLUEFIST!

The pairs fists meet in an act of Bruvhood. For a moment it appears their hands are glued together before they finally tear them apart.

Mikey: It’s amazing, this big lady has been dead for like 5 whole decades! Still well preserved here at the Museum for all to see.

JFK elbows his buddy.

Kendrix: You know who that reminds me of?

Unlikely nods and snickers. A museum worker in the corner puts her finger to her lips and signals for them to keep it down.

Mikey & Kendrix together: Dan Ryan!

Now they laugh louder than before.

Mikey: This might be his sister, Karen here is just as ugly and old as Daniel. Or wait… Is Lindsay Troy his sister? Maybe Mom in law? I can’t keep track…

Kendrix places his index finger to his lips in deep thought.

Kendrix: Mikey, how old is Dan Ryan anyway. It’s hard to keep up these days, even in the age of the good old internet with information available to you at all times it seems. I always thought he was older than our good friend Muurrsifio?

Mikey: It’s difficult to say, We might have to cut him open and count the rings. Some people look younger than their many many many years of age

Kendrix: You’re right, who cares, age is just a number that seems to change in the world of Dan Ryan willy nilly! The important thing to remember is…he, along with his mother in law, are paper champions.

Nodding along, JFK’s tag partner has to agree.

Mikey: Absolutely! It’s great. Imagine, just being handed championships!

The look of disgust is obvious.

Mikey: I mean we’ve been here in HOW, Working EACH AND EVERY event we can, Winning EACH AND EVERY match we’ve been in, and Earned the shit out of this shot at the High Octane Tag Team Titles for DAYS… It’s been tough, but honest work.

Kendrix wipes imaginary hard work sweat off his brow with the back of his hand and puffs out his cheeks exasperated.

Kendrix: It’s just not right, bruv. We’ve worked so hard to get into this position. I mean in the space of a month 24Kdebuted on HOW’s 400th show, Refueled 16 and sent shock waves throughout the business by taking out BOTH the eMpire and the Industry. A few weeks later those shock waves were still reverberating around their poor little heads forcing them into panic mode and creating the new scary Group of Death…

The bruvs hold their hands out in front of them, palms face down and wiggling their fingers, their jaws dropped anxiously.

Kendrix: …which by the way, we need to have words with Lee Best about because I’m pretty sure that The Hollywood Bruvs didn’t sign up to our extremely lucrative HOW contracts with the threat of actual death hanging over us until they expire. Surely there’s some US citizens rights out here against that sort of thing?

Jesse hangs his head back, looking to the sky as his tag partner offers him a reassuring and encouraging rub on his shoulder. Jesse lowers his head and bites anxiously into his fist.

Mikey: I know it’s tough, but you can do this bruv, I believe in you. Go on, say it.

Jesse puffs out his chest, shakes his head in disgust and exhales, ready.

Kendrix: And then, instead of just being handed a tag title match for gracing HOW with our presence like we deserved, we had to EARN our keep by actually partaking in a wrestling match and winning said match against an old Snake and Bee tag team combination. What disrespect, treating us as if the Hollywood Bruvs were some kind of put together at the last minute amateur hour tag team!

JFK is on the verge of needing consoled.

Mikey: You’re right, bruv. But speaking of put together at the last minute amateur hour tag teams…this Saturday, March 28th, in Rome…

Kendrix: City of Love, innit?!

Mikey: …at March to Glory, Lindsay Troy and Dan Ryan are going to have to defend the HOW Tag Team titles they were handed down against the Manly Men themselves, Andy Murray and Perfection. Against the eGG Bandits and HATE. But most importantly they will also defend those titles against the greatest tag team in the world, The Hollywood Bruvs! After long, long last, Jesse…our HOW careers have finally been rewarded with a well deserved opportunity at Tag Team gold, baby!

The Bruvs make their way walking slowly around Karen.

Mikey: You know, I gotta give Lee Best credit where credit is due. He’s finally making the Tag Division mean something in HOW. I mean, how can he not with the Hollywood Bruvs finally at his disposal? Before we came along this division was pitifully low on talent. But Lee clearly knows a good thing when he sees one. The Hollywood Bruvs make tag team wrestling exciting. No sooner do we arrive and you’ve got yourself an international, blockbuster, extravaganza of a tag team title match at March To Glory. It’s pure Mikey Money!

Mikey delightfully rubs his hands together in anticipation of what’s to come as Jesse’s trademark smirk is etched across his face

Kendrix: It’s true my bruv. You know, despite the hand me down nature of the Group of Death, trying their utmost to belittle Tag Team wrestling, I gotta at least agree that Lee upped the competition level the titles deserve. Take the plastic champs for example. I mean, despite that shouty old man rant that went on FOREVER at Refeuled 20…

Kendrix lifts and drops his fingers against his thumbs while mimicking the words blah blah blah.

Mikey: It was long, but at least it helped you get some much needed sleep from all the strippee and boozy nights out you’ve been having recently.

Jesse smiles fondly at the thought of sleep.

Kendrix: You were right about that, it worked like a charm. I watch it every night I don’t spend at the strippees…BUT despite that nonsensical old man rant, Dan Ryan is a legend! Hell, he’s wrestled EVERYWHERE we’ve wrestled basically. The guy blazed the trails of DEFIANCE and High Octane before we ever did. He’s left a hell of a legacy behind in his wake.

JFK points to the dino.

Kendrix: Kinda like our friend Karen here! Yea, he’s done it all. Multiple World Titles, Multiple Tag Titles…same goes for Lindsay Troy as his partner. They’ve both done it all. We’re talking about two of the top dogs in the entire business, not just back then but they’re still kicking ass here and now.

Jesse runs his hand through his hair, a moment of sincerity etched across his face.

Kendrix: Hell, I’m not even ashamed to say it, Bruv. Troy and Ryan are two of the trailblazers the Hollywood Bruvs looked up to and even got into this game in the first place to try and emulate, to try and reach those same heights.

Mikey nods along in agreement, the two coming to a stop on the other side of the impressive structure of Karen.

Kendrix: And sure, we’ve achieved what they’ve achieved a lot quicker and in record time, but that’s not the point! The point is, that despite all those years of hard work, the respect earned and legacy built, that all came crumbling down the moment 24K arrived on the scene forcing them to sell their souls in becoming the eMpire’s little bitches!

Shaking his head, Mikey rolls his eyes in disbelief.

Mikey: What a waste of a career. They aren’t even their titles! Max Kael is busy in his LSD Title match at March To Glory after losing in the last round of the Lee Best Invitational. Mike Best isn’t doing fuck all but trying to do his best Perfection impression running the Group of Dorks. Cecilworth is defending the World Championship against one Rosy Palmer. I’d say they’re pretty much tied up… so what do they do… they DELEGATE! Love that song by Warren G by the way!

Mikey begins to whistle the opening tune as JFK keeps the conversation rolling.

Kendrix: It’s like when someone who’s been working in the same boring office job for years is stuck in the same role. Suddenly they’ve just become part of the furniture. New blood comes in, steals all the limelight, they’re exciting, ambitious. But to keep you motivated, the boss gives you a new job title. Team Leader!

He holds both his hands out together in front of his face before parting them to set the scene. Mikey looks on with hope in his eyes, his hands clenched together below his neck. But the hope wanes as he looks upon his partner’s now despondent drop of the head.

Kendrix: But there’s no salary increase.

Mikey: Oh no!

Unlikely’s fists are now being bitten on anxiously. Lifting his head and wagging his finger at his partner, Jesse knowingly continues.

Kendrix: There is no promotion. You’ve merely been handed a job that your boss can’t be bothered to do…and you’re doing it instead at no extra cost to him. You’re doing it for free.

Mikey: BUT WE DO NOTHING FOR FREE!

JFK stares wide eyed into nothing, thinking about what it would be like to do something pro bono. He shivers at the thought. His tag partner nudges him back to reality.

Mikey: Bruv, I’ve had enough of fucking karen, let’s move on.

The two move on to the next couple of exhibits. This time the Bruvs come face to face with a pair of Cavemen. They wear Loincloths and stand facing the crowd. Both of them have scraggly beards. This leaves both of the Bruvs scratching their own, almost in unison.

Mikey: Couple of Cave Bruvs… The first on the scene! I think these are the guys that founded Chicago!

JFK seems impressed.

Kendrix: I didn’t know you knew so much about local Chicago history!

Mikey: When in Rome…

Kendrix: No, Chicago! We’re not going to Rome until later this week Bruv.

Now Unlikely is perplexed.

Mikey: Wait what? It’s a saying… Will you snap out of it?

Kendrix: What is?

The American superstar waves off his English counterpart. Jesse waits a beat before getting impatient.

Kendrix: Well… Tell me about the Cave Bruvs!

Unlikely looks over at the plaque on the wall, telling us about the display. He clearly doesn’t take the time to read it.

Mikey: This is Clinton Chicago and David Gary. Little known fact, Gary Indiana is named after our buddy DAVE here! It’s right outside of Chicago!

JFK followed Mikey’s eyeline, he reads the plaque on the wall.

Kendrix: Uhh, I don’t think that’s right.

Mikey: Sounds good enough..

The third exhibit is one that reminds MIkey of some old friends of his.

Mikey: Here we have a display of YOUR country’s history. We have a King and Queen, and their Court Jester! Very nice!

Kendrix walks from off screen over to Mikey, he’s got a bag of popcorn suddenly. Reaching in he drops popcorn everywhere before shoving some into his mouth. Mikey Unlikely looks incredulous.

Mikey: Bruv where did you get P-Corn?

Kendrix looks down at the bag and then back to his tag partner.

Kendrix:The Stripee Club of course… you don’t get a to go bag?

Now it’s Unlikely who looks impressed.

Mikey: Anyway… We got the jester… the world’s oldest stand up comedian! The originator of comedy performance. Kind of like the eGG Bandits.. Another generations comedy wrestlers.

He snickers. Kendrix nods along before stopping.

Kendrix: I don’t know much about the eGG Bandits Bruv. Obvs I’ve scouted all of the HOW roster, but they got here AFTER we did! If anyone deserves this match any less it’s the eGG Bandits… What’s the deal with the eggs anyway? Who likes eggs? Kegs before eggs amirite!?

Mikey: Your right bruv! They haven’t done much THIS RUN in HOW. But They’ve been around the block a time or two. They’ve also been where we’ve been. It’s crazy how many people in this match needed to be replaced with us! NEW AND IMPROVED!

JFK Pumps his fists before tossing some more popcorn in his mouth. He talks with his mouth full.

Kendrix: I remember Bobby Dean’s fat arse in WrestleUTA and DEFIANCE. You have some history with Doozer too don’t you? I seem to remember something about a group…

Unlikely takes off his sunglasses and throws them at the court jester dressed mannequin.

Mikey: Don’t remind me! I’ve got quite a few things I’d like to say to Doozers face… maybe I’ll just beat his face instead!?

Kendrix walks over to his best friend and pats him on the back.

Kendrix: Now it’s your turn Bruv… get it out…

The Hollywood actor puffs his chest up and stares off in the distance. JFK Snacks.

Mikey: I was still a rookie in wrestling, coming off my super awesome album, bright eyes and tried to be everyone’s hero! I looked upto guys like the eGG Bandits and Sean Jackson and such. They were HUGE before my time. Then in 2014 I finally got to fulfill a lifelong goal.

JFK interrupts:

Kendrix: You got your own live-in barista?

With a shake of the head Unlikely continues on.

Mikey: I got to team up with the eGG Bandits! I was in WrestleUTA, and Bobby Dean befriended me! We were looking to build a group to go against the vaunted Dynasty.

JFK perks up.

Kendrix: I’ve heard that’s a very manly group of men!

Mikey: The Manliest! That said, It was me, Bobby Dean, Will “The Thrill” Haynes, and one of my hero’s… Doozer! I went everywhere he went. For a year I was his shadow. Drove him from show to show, carried his bags, listened to him tell me story after story, about how he beat and outsmarted some of the greatest wrestlers of the 90’s and early 2000s. It was like I was going to school and getting paid for it. It was invaluable to me growing as a wrestler. We blew up, we got a Roomba, and we were going toe to toe with Dynasty every week in the main event! It was everything I had every thought about doing as a kid!

Kendrix tries to get Mikey to circle back.

Kendrix: What’s a Roomba, mate?

Mikey: I was facing Sean Jackson and I had  Dooze & Bobby Dean in my corner. The Mental Rapist against a 23 year old Mikey. I didn’t realize how good I had it… you know what they say though Bruv. You never know what you have until it’s gone.

An agreeable tag team partner knows.

Kendrix: Listen yeah! I always take my Frapps for granted. Just chug those things then suddenly, It’s empty! It’s the worst! I kinda miss Chardonnay too! We got plans later tonight!?

Unlikely isn’t hearing JFK at this point.

Mikey: Well one day we’re headed into a pay per view! I’ve got the biggest match maybe of my career. I’m getting ready after a long weekend off, and realized I hadn’t heard from my mentor in a couple days, so I shot him a text. “Hey man, See ya in Houston!” … Nothing… No response. Weird but I figured the old boy is busy with his family. I get on my flight and head out to Houston. Get to the arena, getting ready for a big cage match against Dynasty… and I see a name scratched out of the program…. DOOZER.

A dramatic gasp from Kendrix has another Museum employee chasing them down. They move into the next room away from people.

Kendrix: Did something happen to him? Did he get hurt? MIkey… are we facing a zombie? Be honest!

Mikey: Nope… he ghosted me… he ghosted Bobby Dean… he ghosted everyone…

JFK’s jaw hits the floor.

Kendrix: Oh no, the only thing worse than a zombie is a ghost! You can’t even hit them!

Nodding along the suddenly serious Unlikely finishes his story.

Mikey: He just disappeared. He never called any of us, never shot us a text. Never did anything. He just went home. Left us outnumbered and fed us to the wolves. Jesse… THAT was the day I learned about betrayal. That was when I was taught the lesson that I had to learn a few times. When you’ve got a spotlight, anyone will attach themselves to you to steal it. Doozer got what he wanted.. He got one more run on top. Now… Now he’s on the retirement tour. When we get in the ring with them, I’m going to speed up the clock on that.

Kendrix: I like it, Let’s do it. The enemy of my Bruv is also my enemy.

Mikey looks at JFK wide eyed.

Mikey: Did you just come up with that?

Jesse Fredricks Kendrix shrugs confidently.

Mikey: We’re going to break the eGG Bandits in half. Forget the eGG puns, forget the cute double entendres Bruv… I want to hurt him.

JFK puts his hands out in front of him and tries to calm down Mikey.

Kendrix: What about his tag team partner….

JFK looks around to see if anyone is listening and then whispers to Mikey.

Kendrix: I don’t wanna hurt someone with… you know… the C word.

Unlikely laughs.

Mikey: Nah Bruv it’s just a name. Although at this stage of his career, and the amount of hair product this fucko has obviously used… it wouldn’t surprise me.  He’s holding onto the twilight even though it passed him up years ago. I told you once, he’s a legend, man. Comedy GOLD. Just not quite as good, not quite as funny, and not quite as charming as we are!

JFK strokes his beard.

Kendrix: Honestly our hair is better too! Whenever we go out the Stripees always run their hands through JFK’s hair!

Mikey: Cancer Jiles was a fantastic wrestler, but this is getting sad. He’s 20 years past his downhill slide. I’m looking forward to finally beating him though. He’s been on the checklist a long time. Hell I’m basically the missing eGG Bandit! eGG Bruv?

Both men shake their heads in disgust.

Mikey: Nahhhhh.

They laugh as they move into the Geology section.

Mikey: This is going to be so much fun. Hell I’ve not been to Rome in YEARS! So we went over the Group of Death, and we went over the eGG donors… NOW…let’s talk about the other two tag teams!

The scene fades out as they move away from the camera. Behind them an attendant is sweeping up popcorn off the ground…