Posted by Christopher America
You think you can get weapons like these anywhere else? Check out our line of Reese’s Choice custom solutions for the creative psychopath! We’ve got nunchucks with golf shoes at the end, a spike-covered robotic vacuum that looks like a porcupine from hell, and even a belt that holds up to nine pencils! Now accepting EBT, so even poor white trash like Zeb Martin can afford to shop here! “Odds are you’ll find everything you need at Reesemart! That’s a bet I’d make for sure!” – Silent Witness
I should have known Bobby Dean would have been the one to refuse my offer of help. A skull filled with tapioca pudding isn’t exactly capable of making the best decisions. And you know what? It’s fine. My good friend Cancer was the horse I wanted to back, anyway. A genuine hero who can recognize an opportunity and seize it, much like me. And once Reesemart expands into every wrestling market worldwide, Jiles will be one of the elites at the forefront of my brilliant marketing campaign!
So, Maestro, when you get in that cage with the two of us, take a load off. Let your best buddy Christmas take care of that marble-mouthed lunk with a little Newfoundland-Fu, and I’ll motion you over to put your foot on his bulbous bosoms for the one-two-three. It’ll be a little bittersweet for you, I know. If I’d gotten to HOW a little earlier, you’d have cemented your tag team legacy with a REAL salesperson instead of that weasel-looking motherfucker they forced you to work with. But don’t grow a tumor on me! You and I are going to make a lot of money together under the Reesemart banner, and that’s WAY better than some stupid belt.
I mean, I’m going to make most of it since I own the company, but you’ll still have a healthy slice of the QT Pie. Not to mention the fringe benefits! I know a sophisticated palate when I see one, and let me tell you: you’re gonna be able to eat all the ginger snaps and licorice whips your heart desires.
Charlotte will be the start of a beautiful partnership between us, Jiles. A real shame for you though, Bobby. Thankfully, the audience at the Spectrum Center is pretty used to seeing someone they love get dunked on by a far superior unit, so that shouldn’t affect my in-arena sales too much. Yes, Reesemart Remote will ABSOLUTELY be onsite selling our fans staple guns, drill bits, and baseball bats with mousetraps glued on them so that when you hit someone it also pinches them REALLY HARD! Lee hasn’t answered any of my DMs yet on Twitter about where exactly I can set up, but I’m sure he’ll let me know soon. So yeah, if you’re watching this, just get back to me when you can!
But before business can be great out of the fancy cage, I’ll make business good within it. While many personal trainers have come and gone in frustration, HOW will make history when I become the first person to actually whip Bobby Dean into shape. Because I am going to Irish whip him into the side of the octagon. Get it? I’ll be whipping him into shape? AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!
And when you’re staring up in the sky, wondering why you didn’t just spend your life savings on top-shelf Reesemart products to curry my favor to avoid a beating of a lifetime, I want you to make a wish. It can be for anything! An early retirement, a jelly donut, an actual haircut where the barber doesn’t need to use a bowl, whatever your heart desires. Make sure you get it out before you see that heavenly body falling right onto that pear-shaped schnozz of yours, because it won’t count once it’s no longer airborne. While I might be a deathmatch Ishtar, I don’t need a barbed-wire wrapped lobster to get the job done. My Brown Star Press has crushed many chances at victory before, and it’ll do it again this Sunday. Prepare to smell the essence of my entrepreneurial spirit.
And hey, to any weird perverts out there, if YOU want to smell the essence of my entrepreneurial spirit, you’re in luck! Reeseourri Jars are now on sale for only $155 each, with both QT and Maxx Bennett scents available! Reesemart: the only kink we shame is high prices!