We’re deep in the heart of deep dish pizza land. Downtown Chicago to be exact. Night has fallen and the streetlights are aglow. People scurry about as the evening progresses, many out to have a nice meal on the town.
Coming down the road we see the headlights of a limousine. As it gets louder we can hear the Katy Perry music blasting from the back. “California Gurls” is the current former summer hit blowing out the speakers in the stretch vehicle.
It could only be one tag team…
The limo pulls over and the backdoor swings open. The tunes get even louder.
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on lock
West coast represent
Now put your hands up
Ooh oh ooh
Ooh oh ooh
From out of the back seat steps one half of the High Octane World Tag Team Champions Mikey Unlikely as well as his tag team partner and the other half of the Co-Champions… Jesse Fredricks Kendrix. The championship titles around their waists, the champions look confident.
Both men sport sunglasses despite the sun being long gone. Dressed well it’s clear the manly men are on a fun mission this evening. They are all smiles as they step out of the car. Unlikely hollers at the driver telling him to keep the limo right here until he gets back in a couple hours.
Kendrix: Listen, yeah?! Just imagine if Katy Perry and Drake did a collaborationary thing with the music sounds…I think I would actually just die a happy manly man.
Mikeys still dancing when the awesomeness that is JFK’s suggestion sinks in. He gets wide eyed.
Mikey Unlikely: Bruv that would be fantastic! Imagine how much money they could make, more importantly imagine how catchy it would be!
As the duo walk away from the car the camera follows them. It’s soon revealed they are entering a building adorned in neon lights. There’s a large sign hanging above the door.
“Windy City Tattoos”
The boys walk up and take in the building.
Mikey Unlikely: Looks like RRRIIICCCKKK… a little sketch… Are you sure the reviews are good? This is permanent.
Kendrix: Obvs! I checked three times, bruv. The neon signs remind me of the strippee club. Kinda feels like home.
In through the front door goes the pair. It’s quite a different atmosphere from the one they just stepped out of. The guy behind the counter wears a leather vest, he’s covered in tattoos nearly head to toe, and his earlobes are stretched beyond repair. Metal music plays in the back and we can hear the buzzing noises of tattoo guns being used.
Mikey Unlikely: Hello my good sir, are you the proprietor of this here business? We’re a couple of Bruvs looking to get “Inked up”. You feel me right?
He uses the air quotes so the guy knows what he means. Unlikely then holds out his fist for a bump but it’s not taken. Mikey instantly takes offence by this unmanly man snub, however Jesse steps in front of him and takes him aside before his partner gets all hot headed.
Kendrix: It’s ok, bruv. I got this. You just got to speak their language, innit?! Watch this.
JFK clears his throat and approaches the rather rude tattoo man. He looks around at the photos and pictures of tattoo art all around the parlour.
Jesse instantly turns to Mikey with a pleased with himself wink which is returned with a rather impressed and encouraging thumbs up form the Hollywood C Lister. Meanwhile the employee just rolls his eyes at the feeble attempt of a Bruv trying to fit into new surroundings.
Kendrix: Oh, man. I really love your designs all over the walls here. You guys are so talented. You really shouldn’t be called Tattoo…people…you’re artists. HEY! You should be called Tattoo Artists!
Mikey Unlikely: I’ve always said that.
Kendrix: Yea but I said it first!
Tattoo Artist: We are called tattoo artists.
Taken aback the pair look at one another.
Mikey Unlikely: Well as talented as you are, we’re not even surprised! We will take two of your finest tattoos please! Matching of course, we were thinking right at the end of our lower backs. They are going to be awesome… we’re going to get… FRAPP TATS!
He lifts his shirt and shows the man where he’s thinking of getting the tattoo. It’s just above his pants line.
Mikey Unlikely: Hopefully you have someone who’s done one on this area before, I’ve never seen anyone in the locker room with one here.
Kendrix: It’s the manliest area, that’s why…I mean, apart from…
Jesse rather sheepishly whispers in Mikey’s ear. Unlikely’s eyes light up in horror at the very thought of a tattoo in the suggested area.
Mikey Unlikely: Bruv, what the fuck is wrong with you?! How can you even think of getting a tattoo there. Just thinking about getting a tattoo on…
The tattoo artist interrupts.
Tattoo Artist: Well actually we’ve done many tattoos on a man’s…
Mikey Unlikely: These beautiful calves! They are perfect!
Jesse looks at Mikey’s calves and sports a rather impressed look upon his face.
Tattoo Artist: O….kay? Do you know what kind of style you want that written in?
Mikey Unlikely: Do you have a Drake or Katy Perry font? Maybe something off an album cover?
Kendrix: Frapp Font? Ooooh what if it looks like the Hollywood Sign!
Mikey’s eyes light up at the mere thought. No more words need to be said, they gluefist for confirmation.
The man behind the counter shakes his head. He’s never had a conversation like this.
Mikey Unlikely: As long as it doesn’t look like any of Scott Stevens shitty tattoos, or Doozers Superman bullshit tattoo. Those are the WORST! I’m sure all the eGGBois have stupid egg tattoos. Bobby Deans are probably even cooked. Have you ever tattooed an egg?
Tattoo Artist: I don’t think so…
Kendrix: It just has to be special, you know? We’re the Hollywood Bruvs. We’re The High Octane Wrestling Tag Team Champions. Quite simply, we’re the greatest tag team on the planet.
The two tap their belts around their waists and participate in a GlueFist.
Mikey Unlikely: …Wait…could you tattoo the titles to our waists? So we don’t have to carry them around anymore?
JFK slaps Unlikely in the chest and places his hands on either end of the belt as if shielding the title from the noise he’s about to make.
Kendrix: HEY, YOU DON’T SAY THAT! Don’t you talk about my son like that! They wouldn’t even be gold Mikey, are you even thinking!?
Mikey takes a moment to think about what he did. He holds his hands up apologetically.
Mikey Unlikely: You’re right. I wasn’t thinking. I’m just really excited and nervous at the same time about this tattoo.
Jesse puts an encouraging arm around his tag partner.
Kendrix: Bruv, relax. This is, without a shadow of a doubt, the greatest idea the Hollywood Bruvs have EVER had. It’s going to be the manliest thing anyone in the entire world has ever done. Completely original and super cool. Just like us.
Mikey takes a breath to calm his nerves but quickie nods confidently, he’s ready.
Kendrix: This isn’t going to be the average joe fish tattoo. The lame biker skull tattoos. Or even worse…the sign of the cross.
Mikey Unlikely: Ugh, how unoriginal, how lame. Can you believe The Minister gave his new fake best friend, Eric Dane a sign of the cross tattoo.
Kendrix: Ugh, it stinks of desperation. What’s even worse, he did it for free! That’s not how you make friends. Let alone a unified tag team partnership.
The Tattoo Artist walks away at this point. He’s not even being talked to anymore.
Mikey Unlikely: I don’t even think Max Minister is a licensed tattoo person! That’s unsanitary. I would have to see his credentials.
Kendrix: Yep, Eric Dane has probably got himself a nasty infection there. I don’t even know how our tag team match this Saturday at Refueled 33 is even sanctioned. I don’t want any of those guys’ diseases, Mikey!
Mikey Unlikely: Then again knowing Eric Dane, it’s probably not his first dirty needle. Take that for what you will.
The Hollywood C Lister starts thumbing through the design books inside the tattoo studio.
Mikey Unlikely: While it’s an ugly tattoo for an ugly man, I can’t blame him for turning to religion during this difficult time. His career is in shambles. It’s been a long time since Eric Dane was main eventing anything. Word on the street is, he was even struggling in the independents. His ego’s got the best of em. He’s still got the same nasty attitude after all those years, his body just can’t keep up anymore.
JFK moves over to one of the design books on the wall and moves the giant pages.
Kendrix: I got to hand it to him though. How much can that old broken body keep taking? He’s here for less than 90 days? In 14 days he’s already got himself a horrible tattoo from a freak, looking for new friends and he’s already booked himself a beat down in advance from the scaaaarrryyyyy Group of Death.
Mikey Unlikely: Fortunately for them it takes GoD a LONG time to strike back! We had months of nothing.
Mikey finds one of a naked pirate lady and signals for JFK to come look.
Kendrix: And now he’s going to actually get in the ring this Saturday with the greatest Tag Team on the face of the earth? This guy must really love wrestling or something?
They both consider that and then Mikey gives an alternative.
Mikey Unlikely: Or he’s desperate… low on cash… wants to die?
Kendrix: But, all truths aside, JFK owes Eric Dane a lot. This is the man who beat me back in good old Utah when JFK was just a baby…wrestle. That defeat helped JFK grow into the manly man you see before you today AND he FINALLY gave me my well earned first ever DEFIANCE title shot against Cayle Murray.
Mikey Unlikely: Oh yeah, Andy’s actual brother…Calla-Murray! which means a lot less than the way we are all bruvvers in 24K…Cayle, the man who put Eric on the shelf for so, so very long. Not long enough, Obvs!
Kendrix: Totally Obvs!
Mikey Unlikely: If Andy had got his hands on Eric, there’d be no way he’d be stepping foot in any wrestling company again, let alone HOW. He will fit in well with the Minister at least, both of them are outcasts, both of them cannot be trusted, and both of them can only stick with a program for so long. Max Kael switches his look more than I switch agents! It’s incredible.
JFK has to agree with his bestie.
Kendrix: Aye Bruv, How are you going to build a brand when you change everything about yourself every 6 months! The man who wants to stand out so badly he takes it to every extreme. Plus I’m pretty sure he’s a supervillian.
Mikey Unlikely: Bodysuit? Check. Unordinary love of violence and mayhem? Check. Loves to plot and scheme? Check. Weird facial feature? Check. Check. Check. Sounds about right. You know the thing about supervillians though?
Kendrix: What’s that bruv?
Mikey Unlikely: THEY NEVER WIN IN THE END! It’s great. Every single movie I’ve ever seen or been in, the bad guy gets it good in the end. He’s clearly the bad guy in this situation; it couldn’t possibly be The Bruvs!
The Bruvs attention is caught as they turn it towards the Tattoo artist testing out his needle
Tattoo Artist: Okay, who’s up first?
The fear grips the Bruvs, who look at each other
Mikey Unlikely: Wait… does this hurt!?
The tattoo artist nods slowly.
Tattoo Artist: No more than a bee sting. It’s not that bad.
Mikey Unlikely: A BEE STING! I HATE BEES!
JFK can’t help himself.
Kendrix: If there’s two things I HATE… it’s HATE and Bees! Buzzy little fuckers aren’t they?
They look at the tattoo gun specifically toward the needle in the artist’s hand. Our two heroes point at each other.
Tattoo Artist: Gentlemen, I haven’t got all day. I’m fully booked this afternoon.
As the artist taps his watch impatiently the Bruvs give each other a telling glance which could only mean one thing. The only thing that could settle this predicament. Their fists are held out in front of them ready for a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Mikey Unlikely: On Three.
Kendrix: Obvs, only dickheads go after three. We’re busy men!
Mikey Unlikely: The busiest!
Kendrix covers Mikey’s hand before both can reveal their choice.
Kendrix: What are we doing, Bruv. You know I hate blood and I know you hate needles.
Mikey nods worriedly.
Kendrix: We do this together at the same time. That’s what it means to be HOW Tag Team Champions.
Mikey Unlikely: That’s what it means to be the Hollywood Bruvs, dammit!
THERE IT IS, BRUV HUG!
Mikey immediately turns to the artist.
Mikey Unlikely: Barkeep, I mean, Talented Tattoo Artist…grab your most talented artistic needle artist colleague, person…we are doing this tornado tag style!
The Bruvs’ eyes light up, the adrenaline pumping through their veins, they’re not scared of needles or blood! The tattoo artist meanwhile summons his colleague to prepare his equipment.
10 minutes later:
Both bruvs are laying front first, lower back exposed to the artists who are observing the frapp design provided to them by our super brave brave heroes. The Tag Team Championships rest in their hands which hang below the tattoo tables.
Mikey Unlikely: Just remember, bruv…don’t look at the blood.
JFK looks over at Mikey, nodding along to the very good advice.
Kendrix: Just remember, bruv…don’t look at the FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!
Jesse jumps off of the rest and holds his lower back in pure agony. Mikey in turn jumps up, due to Jesse’s reaction, holding his hands above his head.
Mikey Unlikely: Nah, I’m out. Fuck this.
Tattoo Artist: Woaaahhh, just relax. I haven’t even started yet. That was just the cotton swab I use to numb the area.
The two look at each other, is that embarrassment in their eyes? Nah!