Eris, Anus, Same Difference

Eris, Anus, Same Difference

Posted on November 18, 2022 at 11:43 pm by Jatt Starr

The Eternal Circle.  Are you still on that, Xander?




You would think that Eris would have resurrected by now, right?   Shouldn’t she have returned, gone shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue, had an authentic New York slice, caught a Taylor Swift concert, watched “Juwanna Mann” eight times, and binged “The Great British Baking Show”  by now?


Come on, man!   This whole Eris thing?   It is a sham!  It is bunk!  It is poppycock!  When are you going to open your eyes and see that no one is buying this Eris nonsense!  Well no one except the lowest common denominator.  The same people who buy into Scientology, the Children of Ota’Topeht, NXVIM….


I just have not decided yet on whether or not you are a scam artist, a charlatan, a snake oil salesman, a flim flam man or a complete moron?


Because you cannot be a true believer in this balderdash, can you?


If you are, does it mean that the Baron of Boca Jatton has carte blanche to relentlessly ridicule and mock in the same vein I would mimes, the homeless, Darkwing, and people who think Aaron Rodgers still has talent?


Ah, who is the Jattlantic City Idol kidding?


Why is the Earl of GlouStarr wasting energy talking to someone as inferior and talentless and suck-ass-ish as the poster boy for “fugly”, Xander “Bleached Sphincter” Azula?.


I am the Ruler of Jattlantis!  The Sovereign of Starrgentina!  The Marquis of MadagaStarr!   The Starrabian Knight!   The Champion of Jattanooga!  The Conqueror of Bergman! 


The Hero to All. 


I should be basking in the adulation that comes from ridding the pop culture landscape and the HOW from that dastardly evil Spamburglar, Joe Bergman.


It is true, he stole three cans of Spam last Thanksgiving to feed a lion that he was training to bite the wangs off of Jehovah’s Witnesses.  It backfired when the Girl Scouts were selling their cookies door-to-door several weeks later.  Joe Bergman did not get his Thin Mints and poor Tiffany did not get her hand back, since the lion ate it.  It eventually pooped it out, but who wants a shit hand, am I right?   


Grisly business, that.


How Joe Bergman escaped prosecution is still a mystery.


At least she has a hook for a hand now, right?  She will be a shoe-in for the role of Captain Hook in the all girl production of “Peter Pan”.   


Well, one thing is for sure, the Thane of Starrkarth is Tiffany’s hero.  The singer, not the Girl Scout.  The Girl Scout has no idea who the Ruler of Jattlantis is and has never seen the HOW.  And rightly so, it would traumatize her even more seeing Darin Zion on a weekly basis.


That’s neither here nor there.


It does bother the Jatti Master that Joe Bergman escaped prosecution for that.  It just goes to show you, the legal  system is corrupt and Joe Bergman was able to skeeve his way in and out of trouble.  How, you ask?   He blackmailed the district attorney who was a “My Little Brony” – Furry hybrid.  It was a simpler time back then when a grown man could not don the costume of Twilight Sparkle without being ridiculed and painted as a deviant.   


As Thanksgiving approaches, Xander, you and every single person in the world should give thanks that the Sultan of SeaJattle exists and you breathe the same air as he who vanquished Joe Bergman.   The world is a much brighter place without that scumbag.




You doubt the veracity of my truths?


The sordid and nefarious acts of Joe Bergman are more plausible than Eris, the bringer of Chaos.   I am shaking in my proverbial boots.  Maybe I should use my shoe phone to call for reinforcements, huh?


That’s a “Get Smart” reference, you tool.


Speaking of “Get Smart”, did you know Joe Bergman stalked Don Adams for three months until he was kicked in the nutsack by a mule named “Frank-Hee Haw-valon”.   Sadly, Don Adams passed away before Joe Bergman could do whatever creepy, stalkery freakiness he could on the man who used to portray Maxwell Smart.  Joe Bergman is the reason why they still have an undercover security guard watching his grave around the clock.  Joe Bergman is a necrophiliac.   He bangs dead people.  


If anything, Xander, you should be worshiping the Jattsylvanian Count for what I did to that sick freak.


Eris?   More like Anus!  Because that trollop is a pile of crap.


Or does Penis make more sense?


Nah, because then it sounds like the Mayor of ManJattan is mocking you for liking penises which would then give the impression that either you are gay and people would read that as the King of Grapple from the Big Apple is saying being gay is bad….




In the event that you are gay, that I am sexual identity shaming you or something and imply that your homosexuality is something that should be mocked, that it makes you less than a man.   Then I would get “cancelled” quicker than an ABC pilot starring Bobbinette Carey.


Neither is the case, obviously.


Anus it is, then.


Where was I?


Ah yes!


You were thinking about how much of a privilege it will be to lose once again to El Jattador de Starrcelona.   So much so that you were considering dumping Eris and forming the Church of Jatter Day Saints.   Look, as blasphemous as that would be to Lee Best, who am I to stop you from doing it?   


I am just a humble man that completely SLAUGHTERED the malevolence that was Joe Bergman.  Did you also know that Joe Bergman kicked kittens?   It was a neurotic, compulsive condition that he had where if he saw a kitten, he had to kick it. 


What’s that?


Eris is a….


Wow.   Such language, Xander.


Stop Xander.


You do not need to kneel before me.


Yes, yes, the Grand Overlord of Jatturn appreciates the sobbing and pleading for forgiveness but this is just sad and pathetic.


Fear not, Xander…..


Consider the thrashing you will get at the hands of the Starrkham Savior punishment enough at “Chaos”.


Isn’t it ironic that you are turning your back on Eris for the Ruler of Jattlantis as we approach “Chaos”?  It’s almost like rain on a summer’s day or a free ride when you’ve already paid, right?


Sadly, that will be the extent of our relationship.  Me, the clear dominant alpha male who crushes you like a bug and you, a man baby who will seek any attention you can get from your Jattlantian Role model only to be constantly ignored and reminded at how truly insignificant you truly are, which will cause more tantrums than a toddler who has been denied a lollipop in the middle of Albertson’s on busy Saturday afternoon.


Xander, come Chaos, you will feel a mere fraction of the pain that I inflicted on Joe Bergman.  Consider yourself lucky.


In fact, after I beat you, and you sit to Thanksgiving Dinner, make sure you give thanks that you are not Joe Berghman.   Give thanks I went easy on you compared to that ass-worm, Joe Bergman.   And give thanks that I allowed you to leave the ring on your own volition.