Education, Education, Education

Education, Education, Education

Posted on July 6, 2021 at 2:07 am by Cecilworth Farthington

Clay Byrd isn’t a colossal disappointment to his family line to the point he has to live in an RV due to his stupendous number of failures. 

Clay Byrd is a colossal disappointment to his family line to the point he has to live in an RV due to his stupendous number of failures, who also went to college.

I would hate to be disrespectful of such an educated man, maybe he’ll try and explain Euler’s Identity to us this week and somehow connect it to fighting.

“Much like Euler found beauty in Maths, I find beauty in punching hard” – Clay Byrd, probably

To show respect for HOW’s big brained special boy, I wanted to present my case in a manner befitting of the occasion:

Clay Byrd

By Cecilworth Farthington, aged 34 11/12ths 

Thesis Statement

Clay Byrd is a massive disappointment to anyone who dares to believe in him. I will prove this remains true in three core areas:

  • His performance in the ring 
  • His performance outside of the ring
  • Any time he decides to open his drooling, pathetic mouth

Evidence

First we should explore the thesis through the lens of his ability as an in ring competitor. On first glance, you may look at someone with the frame of Mr. Byrd and believe him to be quite the brutal competitor, an understandable surface assessment. Sadly, once you see him in motion, the opposite becomes very true. Clay Byrd could not defeat Teddy Palmer, allowing instead for Mr. Palmer to toss him right off the good ship Octane. If we were to believe Mr. Byrd’s big mouth, he should have used his big muscles to stop this, instead of lumbering down to the water below. This got called a no contest despite Mr. Byrd skidding away like he tripped on a banana peel. If I was humiliated on such a level, I would ensure vengeance against a man who tried to LITERALLY MURDER me, not forget that my shoulders were on the mat when I tried to choke him out.

Secondly, Mr. Byrd is terrible at financial management. Lee Best, owner of High Octane Wrestling often presents his pathetic minions with bundles of cash to fulfil their wildest dreams. What does Mr. Byrd do with all this sweet, beautiful cash? He feeds wrestling students, who I assume have the ability to buy their own food. Mr. Byrd seems to have made the financial error in believing that a wrestling school should be run in a similar manner to that of a Victorian poor house, where the more svelte of the trainees get down upon bended knee and beg and cry out “please Mr. Byrd, may I have some more?”. Also, how much does lighting cost in Texas? I know they have their own power grid, but I wouldn’t have thought a couple of lights and overhead fans would force a man to live in a van. Mr. Byrd likes to inform people he is different from the multitude of dunderheaded Texans that we used to be bereft of on the High Octane roster. Sadly, due to his recent batch of financial mismanagement I would have to say that I now wonder whether he actually has a degree in Economics or if he once used an Excel spreadsheet to draw a happy face then wrote down “Clay Byrd: Smart Money Man” in crayon on some nearby printer paper. 

Finally, have you heard him talk? It’s rough! I think he smears peanut butter on the roof of his mouth seconds before the cameras start rolling. Mr. Byrd seems to take great pride in letting people know that everyone in his home town also speaks as if they have a punctured palate. Maybe you should have spent some of those college credits on elocution lessons. I suppose you could make an argument that Mr. Byrd has held onto his woeful accent as a part of his heritage, in the same way people defend confederate statues. Unfortunately, his voice conjures a similar visceral response as that of viewing a bronzed image of an old racist.

In conclusion, Clay Byrd is a pathetic waste of talent who does not deserve a shot at the World Championship, never mind stepping into the cage with a Hall of Fame talent such as myself. Still, I am a charitable man and I suppose I can lower myself to his ilk for one week. 

It better count towards community service for any crime I deem worthy of committing though.