Earth To Bruvs!

Earth To Bruvs!

Posted on April 17, 2020 at 7:16 am by Mikey Unlikely

It’s night time in The Windy City, an appropriate nickname given the weather. We open to a view of a rooftop bar. It’s late and the place is sparsely populated. A couple of girls stand by the bar waiting on a round of drinks for the group. Couples sit at a few tables, trying to enjoy a quiet mid week evening out.

Above the bar a large sign hangs.

“Whiskey Business”

From behind the counter comes a very beautiful waitress by most men’s standards. Her low cut shirt and tight shorts accentuate her curves. She hustles along with two large glasses that appear to have a frozen coffee inside, whipped cream on top, covered with chocolate syrup, with an Oreo on the rim.

Yep… we know who ordered those!

She rounds another corner to a private area and slides in between the gap in the velvet rope. Finally she’s able to set the drinks down in front of the manly men that ordered them.

Mikey Unlikely… Jesse Fredricks Kendrix… The Hollywood Bruvs! Mikey looks like he’s having a good time in his slacks, dress shoes, Hollywood Bruvs T shirt and blazer on. He’s also sporting sunglasses at night, because what’s cooler than that?

Unlikely nods and winks at the waitress.

Mikey Unlikely: Thanks Angelina! Appreciate that baby girl!

The waitress looks at him confused.

Waitress: My name is Brittany.

Unlikely holds out a hand.

Mikey Unlikely: Oh I’m sorry sweetness, I know. I wanted you to have a sexy name for once in your life, not that every day Brittany bullshit, you know what I mean? I do appreciate you running for the third round of Frapps though. Good luck with your drink carrying!

He turns back to his bestest Bruv and raises his glass for a toast.

Mikey Unlikely: To the two best damn High Octane Wrestling Tag Team Champions to ever sports entertain! May there never be any other tag team as manly or as successful or as marketable as the Hollywood Bruvs…

Kendrix, adorned in his rather dashing “JFK 24K” T-shirt merch and manly man blazer, sports an agitated figure as he fidgets around in his seat. He nods along and goes to drink but he’s cut off by Mikey who’s apparently not done.

Mikey Unlikely: For not only did we defeat FOUR other tag teams, but we outsmarted an entire locker room full of extras in my next action packed movie! It’s not every day you come in and win SOLID GOLD in your second match…. UNLESS you’re the Hollywood Bruvs! To us!

Unlikely holds up the new Frapp high into the air for a toast. JFK grabs his as well.

Kendrix: GlueFrapp!

They cheers the two drinks together before pretending they are stuck together for a moment. Followed by a hearty laugh from both men.

Mikey Unlikely: How are the Non Alcoholic, Double Drip, Caramel Oreo Frapps? I see you’ve kept up with me tonight!

The Hollywood socialite finishes his statement before diving face first into his own Frapp.

Kendrix: So good. Who would have thought drinking Oreo Frappes at night time would be a more than adequate replacement for good old delicious beer? Really glad you decided to come here for non alcoholic drinks. In fact I’m glad we had our talk the other night, I’ll have you know JFK hasn’t had a single drop of alcohol since then.

A look of delight crosses his American counterpart’s face.

Mikey Unlikely: See Bruv what did I tell you? Easy Peasy! Now let me lay out the plan for Lethal Lottery…

JFK holds up one finger, Unlikely pauses.

Kendrix: Hold that thought, Bruv. Speaking of peasy…I gotta whiz.

Mikey goes back to his Frapp as Kendrix makes his way towards the restrooms. The camera follows JFK on his journey but our troubled hero stops in his tracks once he’s out of clear view of Mikey, rather conveniently for him, right beside the bar to slide some cash across. The bartender comes back a few seconds later with two shots of whiskey. JFK pounds them down and pumps his fists.

Kendrix: Yea Baby! That’s the good stuff!

He never did make it to the restroom. Instead he heads right back over towards the private area.

Mikey Unlikely: Wow Bruv, that was fast!

JFK Shrugs

Kendrix: What can I say? Fastest pisser in England mate, 3 time champion!

An incredulous Mikey can’t help but ask.

Mikey Unlikely: Really!? They have contests for that over there?

Kendrix nods along hoping Mikey doesn’t catch a whiff of the whiskey on his breath.

Kendrix: Errrrr, yeah sure, why not?! Anyway….you were saying about Lethal Lottery…

The Hollywood C Lister falls right back on track.

Mikey Unlikely: Now let me lay out the plan for Lethal Lottery… It doesn’t matter who we end up against, we have to do whatever it takes to win. Step one: Wake up! Step two: Frapp! Step three: Get to the Arena. Step four: Frapp! Step five: Beat Up two randomly drawn HOW wrestlers. Step 6: Frapp Delivery! What do you think?

Kendrix crosses one arm and puts the other under his chin, he’s thinking the plan through, every excruciating detail!

Kendrix: I’m really surprised by you… Here I thought we were Tag Team Champions! I thought you knew me!

Mikey looks upset right away, what did he do?


They laugh together. Mikey sniffs the air.

Mikey Unlikely: Man I chose the rooftop bar because it WOULDN’T smell like whiskey, and here we are, all the way up here and I can still smell the bar like I’m sitting right next to it!

Kendrix takes in a huge whiff of that beautiful, orgasmic, intoxicating smell.

Kendrix: Errr…That’s not Whiskey, Mikey. It’s pears. You’re getting confused because some whiskeys have the same chemical in them that pears have to make them smell like pears.

Mikey looks at his partner both impressed and slightly concerned at his knowledge of Whiskey smells.

Mikey Unlikely: I could so go for a pear right now….but are you sure? It definitely smells like Whiskey, it’s a really strong smell…like two shots worth.

Jesse rubs the back of his head, both impressed and concerned by Mikey’s excellent sense of smell.

Kendrix: Nah, it’s definitely pears mate. Ripe ones. So the plan! Where are we fitting in that fourth Frappe?

Unlikely eyes up his tag team partner.

Mikey Unlikely: I’m game for a post Strippee Frapp, I said you gotta cut back on the drinks, not the strippee’s bruv!

Kendrix: Obvs!

Mikey Unlikely: Totally Obvs! Anyway you understand the deal right? I just need you at your peak performance. I need the Kendrix that won the Fist of DEFIANCE, the one that beat the ever living shit out of Jasan Natas to take the D.O.C. Championship and the same Jesse Fredericks Kendrix who helped me turn the shells of Dynasty into the pillars that are the Hollywood Bruvs! Every single person in the back is gunning for 24K because they know it will make a name for themselves! “We beat the Hollywood Bruvs for the High Octane Tag Team Championships” Now that’s a headline… WE CAN’T let that happen!

Kendrix eyes drift over Mikey’s shoulder in the direction of the bar.

Mikey Unlikely: Bruv? Did you hear what I said? We CAN’T let that happen.

Kendrix: Listen, Yeah?! Chill, Mikey. JFK is still that same guy. You can trust me. When it comes to the tag team belts and the Hollywood Bruvs, JFK is on it…but right now I need to pee.

Mikey’s eyes widen.

Mikey Unlikely: What? Agai…

Before he manages to finish his sentence Jesse is up like a flash on his way to the restroom. The cameraman follows once again. Jesse has a quick check over at Mikey but his bruv has already turned around on his seat to check where the Brit is off to.

Kendrix: Fuck. OK plan B.

This time Jesse actually makes his way to the restroom but instead of peeing (he hasn’t peed once during the whole time he’s been in the establishment, he has a strong bladder) he pulls out a bottle of beer hidden in one of the toilets in the stall and consumes its contents in no time. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand he smiles as he holds up the bottle of beer. That smile quickly turns to a frown as he notices the toilet smell surrounding the bottle.

Meanwhile back at the table. After a long slurp of the Frapp, Unlikely has reached the end, he snaps his fingers for WhatsHerFace to come back and get him another one.

Kendrix: What’s a guy gotta do to get another Frappe around here, huh? Win the lottery?!

Mikey Unlikely: You said it Bruv! I’m actually really excited for Lethal Lottery. I’m excited to test my skill…. Nay… OUR Skills together! People forget because we’re clearly undefeated, awesome, 2-0, Tag Team Champions, that we’re a little rusty as partners these days. You’ve been on Holiday for a year!

JFK stretches his arms.

Kendrix: Oh I know! It’s been so good to rest and heal my body after the last 5 years, but I missed it. I missed the ring, I missed the roar of the crowd, but most importantly… I missed the paychecks! Now we got the band back together and we’re better than ever. Stronger than ever. We’ve got the Bruvs, plus Perfs and Murrphisto!

Mikey nods along. He knows where this is going.

Mikey Unlikely: There’s not a scenario we haven’t planned for. High Octane is full of GREAT wrestlers… that’s why we’re here. No one cares if I beat Crimson Lord for the five hundredth time. They want to see the Best of the Mikes! Mike Best vs Mikey Unlikely! They want to see JFK vs Max Kael, they want to see the BRUVS VS GoD. It will happen Jesse, oh yes it will! Until then we warm up. We let High Octane try to surprise us with random opponents. It’s only a test for The Hollywood Bruvs to adapt to any style on the fly. We’re ready for it Bruv, We’ve had almost as many title defenses as tag matches! It’s insane!

Kendrix: We don’t even have to worry about High Octane Wrestling’s GREATEST Tag Teams because it’s all random. Whomever gets chosen is probably tagging for the first time. How long did it take us to build cohesion? A year or so? Now we have that cool Jedi mind trick thing where we’re thinking the same thing…

Unlikely laughs and slaps his knee.

Mikey Unlikely: QUICK what am I thinking about right now?

JFK leans in close, studying Mikey’s eyes for a moment, he ponders before guessing.

Kendrix: You would rather be going to Moniques place tonight but it’s College ID night and we don’t like to deal with all the fuckos, so instead we’re going to Jasmines for a couple hours before we head home….also…. Chicken Wings.

Mikey’s eyes go wide with amazement.

Mikey Unlikely: I WAS THINKING THAT EXACT THING! That’s incredible. You’re right though, It doesn’t matter if it’s Mike Best and Andy Murray, and it doesn’t matter if it’s Deacon and Jack Harmen, the important thing to keep in mind is we have all the experience, the chemistry and the know how of a cohesive Tag Team. We’re the only genuine tag team teaming at Lethal Lottery…and that puts the advantage firmly in our corner!

JFK has another point to bring up.

Kendrix: And just think Bruv, If either member of Murrrfection get picked then it’s basically three on one. They’re not going to allow us to lose the belts!

Finally the waitress arrives with the next round of Frapps.

Mikey Unlikely: We’re in our prime Jesse,  We’re never going to be in our early thirties again! We need to seize this moment in time, We need to elevate ourselves to new heights. Everyone around us is older, we’ve had short careers relative to most, we have less miles on the tires, I’ve been wrestling for seven years, you’ve been wrestling five. In that short time frame we’ve become well known as a premier tag team in Sports Entertainment, I want to be known as THE greatest World Tag Team champions of all time not just here in H.O.W. but in general. I need your help.

Mikey dismisses the waitress with a wave, barely acknowledging her existence. She lost her chance when she wouldn’t change her first name. However, his tag partner looks a little perturbed by Mikey’s words.

Kendrix: Bruv, what’s going on here? I heard you the first time. I get it. I’m cleaning up my act. I’ve gone 4 days already without any alcohol. We want the same thing here. Believe me.

Mikey puts his hands out in front of him and eases off.

Mikey Unlikely: I know Bruv, I know… i’m just worried about you is all, I’ll let you handle it like a manly man!

Jesse looks over Mikey’s shoulder once again, his hands placed on the rests of his seat, ready for another supposed journey to the bathroom, but he holds back upon seeing the wheels beginning to turn in Mikey’s head.

Jesus Christ, Jesse…get it together. Mikey’s genuinely worried about you here. Do it for him if not for yourself.

Kendrix: You want the real JFK at Lethal Lottery?

Mikey Unlikely: More than anything in the world!

Jesse’s grip on his arm rests loosen before leaning forward and resting his hands, clasped together, on the table in front of him.

Kendrix: You got him!