Sorry, I just can’t do this anymore.
I was in the middle of writing you a fake letter from Baby Stoovins with a bunch of Taken jokes, and it was gonna be called Liam Kneeson, and Clay Byrd would have sent me a Simpsons GIF that says “stop, he’s already dead”. Had some jokes in there about strokes on title belts. Then, I woke up this morning and read the single worst HOFC promo of all time, and I think I need to change gears. Because that promo pissed me off, and it wasn’t because of the content and effort, it was the complete lack thereof.
Stevens, this is a retirement match.
This is your last chance to stay on the roster. Do you think this is going to be competitive? Do you think that you actually have even the slightest chance of victory? I’m not even burying you here, this just straight up, man to man. Do you think you’re doing well? Do you think that you did a good job? I really hope you don’t. I’ve had my dick in your mouth. I took your child away from you. I knocked you out on live television and TOOK LEGAL CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD. What fucking dignity do you think that you have left? Who the fuck has EVER called you Mr. Data? WHY DO YOU THINK I ONLY HAVE YOUR CHILD ON TELEVISION? Do you think that I can’t legally beat the shit out of you if you’re a special, is that the angle you’re playing? Is this “you wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses” but for helmets?
What the actual fuck, dude?
The single worst HOFC promo of all time. That’s your new claim to fame. You wanna talk about the “fourth wall”, even though you clearly have no idea what that actually means? Let’s talk fourth wall. Let’s talk about how I called you three days ago, and told you to work harder on this match than anything you’ve ever worked on in your life. To not bring up a bunch of shit from 2015 because I’d destroy you with it. I coached you. I literally handicapped myself to help give you a fighting chance, because I wanted your last match in HOW to not be a one sided fucking squash. And what did you do?
You didn’t even Google what a haiku is.
The utter disrespect, Jesus Christ.
“People are afraid to fight you!” isn’t trash talk, stupid. It’s a compliment. And it’s a giant, shaking rattlesnake tail of a warning that you’re fucked. Why do you think that is, Scott? Why do you think that no one wants to fight me? If I’ve been edging over you for ten years, it’s because I’ve been jerking off over your unconscious body, you insufferable genital wart. You unaware human JELLO cup. You actual waste of a fucking roster spot. You don’t even deserve a retirement match. We should have just left you in a discord server to rot and be routinely dunked on by bored trolls, only to have Lee desperately remind everyone that you’re a solid hand backstage.
What actual delusional dogshit.
You bet your child on a wrestling match and lost. This isn’t fucking UCB, Scott. I’m not gonna “yes, and” you and tell the world that we made a secret deal where it’s all pretend. You’ve won one single match since 2019, stop pretending that you’re the fucking Joker to my Batman. You’re the Riddler, and I’m only giving you that because it’s a fucking mystery that you think anything you produced so far for War Games is any fucking good. I know that I made a lot of jokes about wagers in this match, but fuck it… I have one last bet for you, Stevens. And this is for real.
I want your life.
I want you to put your life on the line. Not just a retirement from HOW, but a literal death match. The match ends when a human being stops breathing, so you can finally have something in common with a HOW Hall of Famer. You leave with everything, or you don’t fucking leave. It’s all supposed to end this way, right? I’ve just been edging victories, right? It’s all a big fucking joke and you aren’t afraid, right? So either admit that you’re a fucking pussy bitch, shitting your pants over this match like an incontinent grandpa with dementia, or…
Fight me to the death, Stevens.