DON’T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL

DON’T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL

Posted on May 16, 2021 at 5:31 pm by Conor Fuse

Same shit talk, different day.

I know what you guys are gonna say. It’s academic.

EA Mike: a.) gets butthurt over a couple of quips and takes it all personally, b.) goes apeshit ballistic with the same story over and over and over, “I kill guys, I kill guys, I’ll kill yooooou mothafucka” c.) lathers himself up real good, I mean real good.

Put the lotion in the basket, Mike.

COOL Guy: a.) whips out his penis, b.) talks about its size, girth, mushroom-shaped head, how many times it’s played tummy sticks with Big Boss recently, c.) add a HA! here, a pucker-kiss there.

Yawn. I can find this talk riddled throughout my gaming discord if I wanted to listen to juvies pumping their tires. I get it, you like yourself. A lot.

Put the lotion in the basket, Champ. Seriously.

Mary Jane Peter Parker Danielson: ummm okay.

Here, have some lotion Jace and give it a try. Rub one out real good. Try not to get third degree burns from the friction.

HA!

I might even skip your circle jerk, or point out the time I faced EA Mike in the DeNucci Cup. Obviously he backs up his Game (I said you’d go chalk on the roster and have a wonderful hairline but apparently that offended you). And yet, he decided to man-down in our fight, watching High Flyer destroy me with a shit eating grin on his face. Joy.

“Don’t worry Conor, I’d fuck you up either way!” says EA Mike with the same contrived story and a lot more swear words.

“I do you better than you do yourself!” says EA Mike. Yes, Mike, because I’m entirely about video games.

“Mike, didn’t I barely beat you for the World Title and now I have to rely on you?” COOL Guy interjects with his narcissistic witticisms but the champions decide to put aside their differences and pour lotion on one another’s backs instead. Bygones are bygones.

So adorable when you’ll both play nice for daddy.

Does the old man need some lotion, too? I’d tell him to “put the lotion in the basket” but we all know he won’t be able to locate it LOL.

Although I’m sure he has Parkinson’s so it’d make a nice handjob.

Well this is me sitting back, watching you boys go HARD on yourselves. Autoerotic asphyxiation to the extreme. In walks Solex, Jatt, Sektor, the whole Foot Clan, cheering on Shredder and Krang, wishing they could talk shit like the champs. 

I get why you still do this, Mike. Initially I wondered “why Continue?” when you’re so much a Level above us. But you’re doing it for the attention and admiration of others. You act like you hate everyone but deep down inside you need all of us to feast off your performances. Stroke your own ego and have it stroked back with incredible awe and admiration. You want those BOTS lined up, with their focus on YOU, 100% attention on YOU as YOU descend from the staircase, a dainty walk, looking absolutely breathtaking, tiara on crown. Where did you get that outfit, Mike? It is divine.

The whispers begin from the atrium.

“Incredible. He’s killed so many.” BOT 1 says, who for the purpose of this will remain unknown. Take your guess.

“He’s unbeatable and that’s no joke.” BOT 2 remarks.

“That knee is the ultimate cheat code!!” A 3rd BOT pipes in, saying this loud enough for all the onlookers and HOFC Champion to hear. The spectators nod.

Dude, you’re not gunning for Prom Queen and this isn’t My Super Sweet 16, either.

But it sure does Play like it. Spoiled brat, pounding his fists on the dinner table, demanding Xander bring more ammunition ASAP.

Anyway, enjoy your fanbase. Do that tiara proud.

And you, World Champ, such a smug, smartass. Undermines his own teammates. Pisses on them because it’s fun to wiseCRACK.

Say crack again, Conor.

CRACK.

The difference between you and EA Mike is you’re gonna get tired watching these JAGs enjoy your golden showers. Only so much urine one can expel.

Lord of the Flies, COOL Cancer.

A mirage 8-4 Boss.

And Jace…

You like to play with fire? I’m the Power-Up King. I have a fireball coming your way.

After all, Fuse is LiT.

Two ego maniacs and one passenger. Should be a nifty Game this weekend. Should be a fun little War.

Here’s the floor, boys. Please clean up after yourselves.