Do You Suffer From Erectile Dysfunction?

Do You Suffer From Erectile Dysfunction?

Posted on December 26, 2023 at 1:29 pm by Charles de Lacy

Greetings, folks. HOW’s Charles de Lacy here. Now, I’ve faced some tough opponents in my time, taken my share of body slams and survived brutal steel cage matches, but during this season of giving, many of us face an altogether different kind of challenge.

We all know the holidays bring their own set of excesses — the feasts, the festivities, the merrymaking. It’s all jolly good until you realise keeping up with the holiday cheer isn’t quite as easy as you’d hoped – especially in the bedroom.

“Now just hold on a minute!”

An exasperated de Lacy removes his headphones.

“What’s the problem, Charlie baby? We were on a roll.”

“Well, what exactly are we talking about here? It’s all very cryptic, and I feel like I’ve stumbled into a labyrinth of metaphors.”

“It’s all there in the product portfolio we sent out last month. It came with the script…”

“Product portfolio? Listen, I’m a busy man. I don’t have time to waste on this piffle. Just what are we selling?”

“Well, Charlie..”

“Charles.”

“Well, Charles, let’s just say ‘StaminaSurge’ is here to make sure the holiday lights aren’t the only things that get turned on during the festive season.”

“By God, there you go again!  You’re not being clear. What is ‘StaminaSurge’?”

“It’s, uh, a little helper for those moments when you need to go the extra mile. You catch my drift?”

de Lacy, his eyebrow raised. “A little helper? Like a personal assistant?”

“Nooooot exaaaaaactly. Listen, I’ll level with you, Charli… Charles. ‘StaminaSurge’ is for, you know, enhancing your performance. In the bedroom.”

“I’m still not sure I…”

“It’s Viagra, Charlie.”

“Viagra!? You’ve got me pedalling a bloody sex aid!?”

“Woah, we prefer the term ‘enhancer’.”

“You can call it whatever you bloomin’ well like! I don’t want people picturing my face every time they pick up a box of this stuff.”

 “Think of it as expanding your brand. The wrestling legend turned into a symbol of vitality, the man who knows how to keep the show going, both in and out of the ring.”

“We’re talking about a different ring altogether here!”

“Hehe. Very good, Charlie. You see, you’re starting to get it now.”

“I most certainly am not!”

“Look, Charlie, I get it. It’s not your typical endorsement deal, but think about the paycheck. We’re offering you a big sum here, and ‘StaminaSurge’ is a top-notch product, take my word. Your association with it could skyrocket your brand into a new dimension. Imagine, you’ll be the face of endurance!”

de Lacy rubs his temples.

“I’ve spent years building a reputation. Selling Viagra just feels… it feels cheap. What about my legacy? What about those who look to me as a paragon of virtue, of steadfast English morals?”

The producer leans in, lowering his voice.

“Legacy? Morals? Come on, Charlie, this is the real world. You’ve got bills to pay, a lifestyle to maintain.”

“It’s just…”

“The choice is yours, but let me be clear – there’s a long line of wrestlers waiting to step into your boots. ‘StaminaSurge’ or not, the show will go on.”

So, next time you’re about to step into the romantic arena, make sure you’ve got ‘StaminaSurge’ in your corner. Don’t let the holiday stress get you down – rise to the occasion with the power of a wrestling champion! ‘StaminaSurge’. Make every night a main event.

***

The indignity of selling sex aids to Middle America should have been enough. There really wasn’t any sinking lower, was there? 

Stupid question. 

My decline since arriving in the United States some twenty years previously had been as swift as it had remorseless. Now, overweight, underpaid and undervalued, I had resigned myself to the inevitable: it was long since time I hung up my boots. Prostituting my talents to an unappreciative HOW would be my last mistake. Well, no. Selling Viagra would be my last mistake. Prostituting my talents to HOW would be my last unprofitable mistake. 

And so ICONIC was destined to be my last foray into the arena of battle. The final nail in the coffin of a career which had promised so much and delivered so little. My only hope was that I would be given a fitting send-off. A quarter of a century dedicated to this fair sport was at least deserving of that, surely. Perhaps an upper-card spot against a fellow technician. One last opportunity to dazzle the Great Unwashed with my unparalleled skill and mastery of the craft. 

No such luck.

No, instead, I was relegated to a scrum for the second-tier titles. A gauntlet match against all and sundry. Where once I had been touted as a future world champion, competing against the top names in the organisation, I was now forced to scrabble for relevance amongst a host of bottom-feeders and also-rans – many of whom I had already conquered along the way!

The spotlight had shifted, and as I faced opponents of varying skill levels and motivations, the road back to prominence seemed both distant and uncertain. 

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Well, I was desperately hoping that any further indignities I was destined to endure in the ring on December 30 adhered to that golden rule.

This was to be the final chapter in the storied career of Charles Percival de Lacy. 

And so, dear reader, it only remains thank you for accompanying me on this hero’s journey. I only regret that it could not end on a more uplifting tone. Alas, life’s script doesn’t always unfold as we wish, and the wrestling ring, much like the world beyond, is unremitting in its desire to disabuse us of our hopes and aspirations. But fear not, for every journey, no matter how tumultuous, leaves its mark, and every defeat carries the seed of a future triumph. I’m not ashamed to say that your confidence has allowed me some solace in these dark and dismal times and, in the event our paths cross again, whether in the ring or through yet another tawdry advertising campaign, farewell, and may your own adventures be filled with more triumphs than tribulations.