Do You Even Game Bro!?

Do You Even Game Bro!?

Posted on July 29, 2021 at 4:15 pm by Bobby Dean

Ugh!

I look at the screen for the umpteenth time.

116 minutes remaining.

Shit, it was 117 minutes 20 minutes ago!

Sitting in my living room, staring at my computer screen, wishing for the millionth time that Battle Net didn’t have to update every freaking day just so I can kill some zombies with my kiddo.

“Is it done yet?” I hear the impatient voice of said kiddo through my headset.

“No.” I deadpan back, as if she wasn’t aware. I mean, if it were done wouldn’t we be in game right now?

“Your internet sucks dad.” she informs me, again, as if I didn’t know. “Mom upgraded our internet a couple months back. You should ask her about it.”

“…” Rage is mounting.

That’s the problem with games these days. You have to download them to play ‘em. Then you have to download the updates. What happened to the good ole days when you just pop a cartridge in the slot? Or slide a CD in the drive?

Shoot, give me the old problems, where the solution is simply blow on one end and try again! Now you have to troubleshoot a million different things, and hope one of them fixes it. Or be a technical genius like Solex or High Flyer and reverse engineer the shit.

“Is it done yet?” I hear once more, causing me to rip my headset from my head. I’m seconds away from chucking them across the room, but I stop myself at the last second. I really don’t want to have to re-order another headset, for the seventh time.

142 minutes later…

“No daaaaaaad!” her voice comes through the headset, carrying with it a tone of absolute annoyance, as I once again steal the loot from the golden red chest, leaving my daughter empty handed and near death. “Why do you always do that!?”

“What?” I ask defensively.

“This is why I hate playing with you!” she continues to vent, as more zombies head our way.

582 minutes later…

“Ugh! Good night dad!” my daughter calls out before disconnecting her mic, leaving me alone in an empty house, with all the lights off. The only thing illuminating the room is the computer monitor, and the digital clock on my desk, reading 2:42am.

I should have been in bed hours ago, but it’s Summer Break and I cherish the time I can spend with the ankle biter. Sure we could have used the time more efficiently, but killing zombies for 9 ½ hours has brought us closer together.

Plus, I’ve now leveled up to 192. So not a bad way to spend a Wednesday night.

I probably should be preparing for my upcoming match with Conor Fuse, but he’s probably doing the same thing I am right about now. But knowing him, he’s probably playing Pokemon Unite…

Looking at the clock once more, I start to wonder, do I have time for one more run?

What the hell.

I click the button and wait for the next round to begin.

——————————

Conor, I have to admit, I’ve been wanting to face you for quite some time!

Why? Because, I’ve got another secret…

I know, I know, I’m full of them! But what you don’t realize is I’m probably a bigger nerd than you are!

Shock!

Gasp!

Disbelief!

I don’t wear my nerd-isms on my tights like you, but there are three things in this world that I know more about than just about anyone. Food, porn, and video games. You’d probably think I was a 400 lbs virgin still living in my mom’s basement.

Well, if you had known me a few years back you would have been right. Sort of. You see, I lived upstairs, because houses in Texas don’t have basements, and some woman was desperate enough to let me hump her leg 14 years ago. Best 20 dollars I’ve ever spent!

You could ask me any question about video games and I could answer it. I’ve had just about every system you can imagine.

Atari? Had it!

Commodore 64? Had it.

Neo-Geo? Had it.

Nintendo XYZ? Had ‘em all.

I’ve even had the more obscure consoles that even you probably never heard of.

The Japanese Sega Saturn / Genesis combo? Had it! Solely so I could play FirePro 6-Man Scramble.

Virtual Boy? Had it!

3DO? Had it! Simply to play a game called Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties! One of the first FMV sex games. Where you, as a plumber, try to score with the chick. Funny side note, you, as the plumber, did in fact wear a tie!

I even scored a Pioneer LaserActive! I may have only had one game for it, but I was the only one I knew that had one! Booyah!

I’ve played everything from Crystalis, to Beyond Oasis. House Party to Moonlighter. WWF SuperStars to King of Colosseum 2.

Instead of wrestling we should just go in the back, fire up a console and have it. Let’s see who the best really is!

Honestly, I’m really beginning to question your claim to be the best gamer in all of HOW history. Just because you play Elder Scrolls and Final Fantasy, two of the most overrated franchises in the history of franchises, that doesn’t make you the King of Gamers! Hell, at this point, I’m starting to think Black Mamba is a better gamer than you!

I mean, High Octane opens up an arcade room, and you’re no where to be found. I see Harrison in there. I see Jat. I even see JPD. Dooze and I practically live in there at this point. Hell, I even see the blind Old Man Lee Best popping his head in there every now and then. He’s freaking blind and he’s throwing dice like a champ!

But where is Conor Fuse?

Do you even game bro!?

Pop your head in there and take a look at the leaderboard sometime.

Fartypants – 971755
#1 Dad – 108751
3033¥ – 46789

And the funny thing is, technically I should be in first place! Colin got a bunch of brownie points from the old man for being Colin, can’t really blame him there. And Solex probably hacked the system with his overpowered dad brain.

But the question remains… Where is Conor Fuse?

Not even in the Top 10!?!? And you call yourself a gamer!?

What a disgrace.

You probably can’t even play a video game without a Gameshark! Or a Cheat Happens trainer! Do you have an AimBot, or do you use that little suction cup red light hack to help with your hip shot?

At this point they should go ahead and revoke your Blockbuster Video card; your Dave & Busters Game Card; your EA Play account; your STEAM account; your EPIC Games account; your ORIGIN account; your GOG account; your UPLAY account; your ROCKSTAR Social Club account; your PSN account; your XBOX account; your Nintendo Switch account…

I’ll leave the old school Choose Your Own Adventure books for you though, I’m not a complete and utter heartless monster!