The scene fades in slowly revealing a cold and refreshing looking Iced Coffee. As the words 4 weeks ago appear in the bottom right hand corner of the screen, a solitary drip of condensation around the rim of the coffee cup slowly makes its way tantalisingly down to it’s base, etching itself into the table it rests on. This is turning into the perfect advertisement for modern coffee franchises around the world, all until;
Mikey Unlikely removes the straw from his mouth, his eyes roll back in ecstasy before he wipes the back of his hand across his mouth.
Mikey Unlikely: Ahhhhhhhhh, that’s what I’m talking about.
Sitting in a fine dining establishment, with white tablecloths, the Hollywood C List-er leans his chair back on two legs as a waitress comes to help him.
Waitress: Hello Sir, Happy Valentines day and welcome to Bellisima’s! Can I interest you in our wine menu? It has some fantastic selections from the region of…
She’s cut off by his raised single finger as Mikey’s slurping continues loudly. He’s nearly reached the end of the brown and white frozen frappe.
Mikey Unlikely: I’ve already got one of the Finest Frapps in town lady, I don’t need your grape juice! This here is a double mocha, salted caramel, lactose free, triple caramel craze frappe! There isn’t a bottle of hooch in here that can make me happier than this delectable cup of Java.
She stares at him in disbelief. Her eyes moving from the Frappe back to Mikey. Finally she tries something else.
Waitress: What about a food menu? Are we hungry yet? We’ve reserved every table here tonight for couples, and it seems you are the only person here eating alone? My colleague tells me that you’ve been holding the table for some time now and have not ordered anything to eat…
Mikey slams the frappe down with gusto, white foam everywhere.
Mikey Unlikely: MY DATE IS COMING! I’m sure it’s just a traffic issue! I told your manager this same thing not twenty minutes ago!
In a huff the waitress walks off frustrated. An equally frustrated Mikey Unlikely rolls his eyes, and motions to the table next to him like ‘Can you believe these people?’. The old couple smile politely and it appears the older lady tries to console Mikey.
Old Lady: It’s ok dearie, you don’t have to explain to us! We know how love is… Who is your date? Someone special to you!?
The Hollywood Superstar nods vigorously.
Mikey Unlikely: Oh Yea! Someone very special and near to me. You know we had a pretty bad falling out a while ago, I’m really hoping this is the big overture that really gives us another chance!
The old lady smiles coyly.
Old Lady: Oh is this the one that got away!?
Mikey Unlikely: You bet your ass…
He quickly covers his potty mouth in shock at his rather rude outburst in front of the senior lady, who in turn takes offence. Her partner for the night intervenes with a sharp stern look which sends Mikey cowering his attention back over to his empty frappe and frantically looks at his watch.
Two hours late? Jeez, traffic must be really bad today…oh who are you kidding, Mikey? You’ve been stood up!
As he gets up to leave without paying, the entrance door bursts open, a rough scruffy bearded sort, wearing shades at this time of night, leans against the door handle and takes a swig of his bottled beer.
Waitress: Sir, please, you can’t drink that in here. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
The scruffy man looks over to his right, then to his left, not sure where that voice was coming from, as if in a daze. He manages to pull himself off the door into a full standing position and walks over to the waitress standing right in front of him.
Scruffy Man: Listen, yeah?! I’ve got a date in here tonight with this hot piece of ass!
Said so loudly that the old lady and her date for the evening heard it from the other side of the establishment and in disgust signal for the cheque and decide to leave this restaurant of potty mouthness. Meanwhile the card the scruffy man holds up to the waitress is none other than a photo of Pamela Anderson…in her baywatch gear…from the 90s.
Scruffy Man: The name’s Jesse Kendrix…that’s right, with a K.
The waitress desperately tries to ignore the stench of beer emanating from Jesse’s ripped suit as she scans her clipboard and locates the name. Smiling, the professional that she is, she takes him over to his table where Mikey is standing with open arms.
Mikey Unlikely: I know that stench of beer from a mile off, Bruv! It’s so good to see you. Shall we Bruv Hug?! Maybe a Glue Fist!?
Jesse looks Mikey up and down and then at the card of Pamela Anderson in the 90s in his hand. He removes his shades and puts them inside his jacket pocket. His eyes are struggling to focus before he shakes his head at Mikey.
Kendrix: What are YOU doing here? I’m supposed to be on a date tonight with Amela Panderson – aka hot lifeguard lady!
He thrusts the photo in Mikey’s face to prove his point but finally, in his head, it clicks…
Kendrix: You mean to tell me I spent the last two hours at a strippees preparing for a date… with you?! Had I known that I would have seen Lexus over at Chastity’s! But no! I thought I had a date with Amela! So instead, I went over to Lux’s and had dinner with Chardonnay! You KNOW how she gets when she’s had too much Mikey! I’M JUST NOT READY!
Mikey reaches his arms out wide again trying for another hug. A Dejected Kendrix breathes deep with disappointment.
Kendrix: You know, last time we were in the same building, we beat the holy hell out of each other.
Mikey shushes him as he urges him in for one of the manliest Bruv Hugs seen in YEARS!
Mikey Unlikely: Shhhhhhh. Bring it in….
The Waitress looks on in anticipation, holding her hands to her heart, she feels something big is about to happen. Kendrix looks away but he can’t keep his emotions in check…THERE IT IS!
The waitress applauds the magic she is seeing before her very eyes, the rest of the diners in the restaurant are on their feet with her, clapping their hearts out and it’s at that very moment that Mikey clicks his fingers signalling the entrance of his hired goons who begin to usher out the diners halfway through their meals.
Mikey Unlikely: Here you go toots, give this to your manager, and here’s a little for you.
The waitress takes the Mikey Money and looks quizzingly at it. Mikey begins to explain how valuable it is but before he can finish he’s cut off by his old Bruv, JFK!
Kendrix: All of this for me!? This is…. You shouldn’t have! But I’m OBVS glad you did!
Mikey smiles, he’s so happy right now, 10 Frappes down and a Bruv Hug all in one evening, he holds his arms out wide by his side proudly.
Mikey Unlikely: TOTALLY OBVS! Sorry about the hot Lifeguard trick, you wouldn’t pick up my calls or return my messages so I had to get you here somehow, the only way I knew how was Birds and Strippees. But first things first…
Mikey claps his hands together sharply signalling the waitress before getting back to Kendrix.
Mikey Unlikely: You reek Bruv, we need to sober you up, you’ve been drinking all day and you can hardly stand. We’ve got business to attend to. I’m getting you a Frappe this instance.
Kendrix grabs his jacket and sniffs it.
Kendrix: Naaaah bruv! I’ve just been in the strippees for the past three days, it’s weird being outside again. I was just drinking Non Alcoholic beer all day…I know people say what’s the point of non alcoholic beer but…I…just…really like the taste of it…plus I was planning to have a long night with Amela Panderson, if you know what I mean?!
He winks and smiles at the Waitress who is not impressed one bit but is ready for Mikey’s 11th order of the evening.
Mikey Unlikely: Two Oreo Frappes, stat! The Hollywood Bruvs have got business to attend to.
Waitress: Sir, for the 11th time tonight, we don’t do Oreo Frap…
She’s stopped in her tracks as Kendrix removes a box of oreos from his other jacket pocket and hands it over to her.
Kendrix: You know what to do.
As she scurries off Kendrix crosses his leg over the other and clasps his hands together on the table.
Kendrix: So, after all this time, why are we here, Bruv?
Mikey pulls a file out from his man bag under the table and lays it in front of his partner.
Mikey Unlikely: Three words my friend…High. Octane. Wrestling.
The scene reopens in Mikey’s condo, wrestling entertainment’s mastermind paces back and forth, cell to his ear with a huge grin on his face. 17th February Appears in the bottom right of the screen and slowly fades away.
Mikey Unlikely: Amazing, I freaking love that shit! I’m Totally Obvs psyched right now!
Mikey pumps his fist in the air and jumps over his couch joining Kendrix re watching 24K’s debut during the 400th episode of HOWtv. He slaps his bruv on the shoulder.
Mikey Unlikely: That was Perfs. Apparently we broke the interwebs last night. H.O.W….scratch that, the whole WORLD…is talking about what we did to the eMpire and the Industry!
Kendrix trademark smirk hits as he admires the Bruvs handy work on Mikey’s giant TV screen.
Kendrix: Bruv you truly are the World’s Greatest Entertainer in the World. I’ve always said that.
Mikey Unlikely: Yeah, but I said it first!
The Bruvs watch on, pop corn in hands (and quite honestly, all over the apartment such is the excitement on both men’s faces) as the HOW cavalry arrives.
Mikey Unlikely: Oh no, looks like the Bruvs are done for!
Kendrix looks over admiringly at Mikey, whose on the edge of his seat, he knows exactly what came next. He stands up and walks to the bar situated a few yards behind the couch. Meanwhile pop corn flies everywhere once again courtesy of an overjoyed Mikey as Perfection and Andy Murray make their presence felt at 400.
Taking a cold beer from the fridge kendrix turns to see Mikey waiting eagerly for his partner to throw him one over.
Kendrix: Nice catch, Bruv. You still got it!
Mikey Unlikely: You kidding me?! I never lost it. Hell, I’ve watched this rerun almost 700 times already today and I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt that the Hollywood Bruvs never lost it.
Taking a swig of his beer, Jesse contemplates that last statement;
How true was that. It’s been over 2 years since the Bruvs worked in tandem. The last time they fought in the same ring was against each other. Their bond outside the ring is still there, Totally Obvs…but could they cut it inside the ring? Was that chemistry still there?
Mikey Unlikely: Bruv, what were you thinking about for so long? You didn’t hear me ask for a beer…I just watched another rerun.
Kendrix quickly snaps out of it at the clicking of Mikey’s fingers and pulls another beer from the fridge and hands it to his bewildered tag partner.
Kendrix: Nothing, actually, I was just wondering when our match against the HOW tag champions is. That’s our first match right? Lee Best agreed to our contract, obvs?!
Mikey shifts his eyes and bites his lip awkwardly.
Kendrix: …this is where you say totally obvs, bruv. That stipulation was signed off, wasn’t it?!
Mikey searches his mind for an excuse.
Mikey Unlikely: Well actually… Perfection is the one who negotiated our deals! He did a great job, made some great demands! Weekly Frappe Allowance, Segways at AllState on Standby, Transportation to and from the arena, the suite upstairs… It’s all great! Hell I even asked them for a match with our old pal Scott Stevens! GOT IT!
Fist pump from Mikey. Kendrix keeps waiting to hear when the title match is.
Mikey Unlikely: Unfortunately, when it comes to the belts, we’re going to have to earn them…
An incredulous Kendrix stands up.
Kendrix: EARN THEM!? BUT DON’T THEY KNOW WHO WE ARE!?
Unlikely tried to get his best bruv to pump the brakes. No dice.
Kendrix: We’ve been the UTA tag champs!
Unlikely nods along, agreeing that yes, they did win those titles.
Kendrix: We’ve been the DEFIANCE tag team champs!
Mikey Unlikely: Yasss we were!
Kendrix: We’re the world’s greatest sports entertainment tag team…. In the world!
Mikey Unlikely: Yep!
Kendrix: AND… AND Current and DEFENDING…. Strippee World Tag Team Champions!
Mikey Unlikely: Ohhhh… I forgot about those! Undoubtedly! The GREATEST! BUT…. it’s been two years since the world has seen us together… TWO YEARS! In Hollywood time that’s almost a decade of no marketing! People think of us as “The greatest tag team back then” we need to convince them ONCE AGAIN, that we’re “The greatest tag team back…. Now!”
Kendrix seems to consider this as he nods along.
Mikey Unlikely: That said… if you’re ready, I’m ready! We got a match!
Kendrix: ALL RIGHT! MAIN EVENT HERE WE COME!
Again Mikey is forced to deliver some not so great news.
Mikey Unlikely: Yeaaa, not the main event… BUT it’s very high in the middle of the show!
Kendrix decides he’s had enough of the blatant disrespect, he throws a couch cushion.
Kendrix: Dammit Bruv, let’s kick their asses and show High Octane, GOD of HOW, and the goons below us, what the best damn tag team in the world looks like! Who we got!?
Unlikely pulls out his Microsoft Surface Pro and pulls up HOWrestling.com. He easily navigates to the Next Refeuled Page. The website is so beautiful and easy that the next card pops up in no time flat. He hands his tablet to the English Bruv.
Kendrix: Black Mamba and Scott Stevens!? What kind of Tag Team name is that? Are they even really a tag team? So many questions, I need to sit down.
Mikey picks up the cushion and places it behind Kendrix just as he sits and leans back into the couch. The Hollywood C-Lister faces his bruv his palms held out in a calming manner.
Mikey Unlikely: We’ve got to focus, we have to win this match. Even though their tag team name is stupid and I’m pretty sure they’ve never wrestled as a tag team before, we can’t afford to go out there and take these men for granted.
Kendrix still looks disappointed.
Kendrix: Ugh, fine! I’ll try then. I can’t believe we have to earn our spot. I know what Stevens is capable of, we were tag champs for like a month or something. Had a pretty good tag team name actually.
Mikey Unlikely: Really? What was it?
Kendrix: Kendrix and Stevens.
Mikey nods along, an impressed look etched across his face.
Mikey Unlikey: You know, it’s no Hollywood Bruvs but it has a certain charm to it I must say. Anyway, so you know Stevens has been in this game for years. He’s been in HOW even longer!
An incredulous Kendrix has to ask.
Kendrix: Longer than years! Hard to imagine…
Mikey Unlikely: Unquestionably! We know Stevens, we fought him in Utah, We fought him in New Orleans. If nothing else the son of a bitch is crafty! We’ve beat him before, and if we keep one eye on him at all times I think we can keep him at bay.
He lays it out on the table for JFK, but wait there’s more!
Kendrix: But Mikey! Are the rumors true? Are we facing….
The Hollywood star is offended at the thought.
Mikey Unlikely: TOO SOON! TOO SOON BRUV! No, now I admit even I don’t know much about the Black Mamba of High Octane.He’s had some matches in the LBI tournament that we can scout over the next few days. I know he’s off to a very slow start in 2020, and we can’t take that for granted.
Kendrix nods as if he agrees totally.
Mikey Unlikely: Because he’s a snake Jesse! SHIT! Get it together! THE BRUVS ARE BACK!
Almost as if reflex, JFK jumps up and pumps his arms.
Kendrix: We’re back baby!
The Future of the Biz sits back down. He silently apologizes for his outburst.
Mikey Unlikely: Anyway, like I was saying… Black Mamba, he’s desperate, he’s backed into a corner, and he’s a snake… That’s when snakes strike! Never back a snake into a corner!
Kendrix: I’ve never even been in the same room as a snake!
Ignoring the comment Mikey moves on.
Mikey Unlikely: The fact that we don’t know about him, means we have to be careful. This is High Octane. We’ve heard about it for years, now it’s time for Refueled to get a little more entertaining! THE BRUVS ARE BACK!
Almost as if reflex, JFK jumps up and pumps his arms… again!
Kendrix: We’re back baby! Gluefist!
As their unglued knuckles meet, the scene begins to fade out, but not before we see each of them give a pull on the ol’ gluefist!