Confessions

CONFESSIONS

Cedars Sinai Hospital

Los Angeles, California

November 14, 2021

Hollywood is seen sitting in a chair that’s pulled up next to a hospital bed.  Hollywood had been visiting Audrey a lot since his loss at Rumble at the Rock.  He looked tired.  It was evident that he didn’t really get much sleep.  There was a lot of fallout from his Rumble at the Rock PPV loss.  He didn’t get pinned, but he still lost the match.  It was clearly down to Jeffrey James Roberts, Scottywood and himself and he had no problem feeling that way because it was the fucking truth.  Himself, along with Scotty and JJR, were clearly the only ones who cared about their match at the Pay Per View.  However, a loss was still a loss and it ate at him.  It was supposed to be one of the matches of the night.  It had all the fucking hype, but what did it turn out instead?  A fucking opening act.  The opening match on a Pay Per View that had showcased every other match that could have outbeaten the other.  It was enraging…insulting.  Why was Hollywood always on the short end of the stick?  He was better than that and he fucking knew it.  He shakes his head as he stares at Audrey.  She was still in a coma and all he felt was regret.  He had gotten blinded by his Rumble at the Rock match so much, he couldn’t see anything beyond that.  Hollywood looks down at Audrey almost feeling hopeless.

Brian Hollywood: “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Aud’s.  I feel like I’ve just lost my compass on everything.  I can’t feel anything.  Time has betrayed me, but more importantly, I’ve betrayed you.  All I cared about was some HOTv Championship and I was blinded by greed.  Why do I keep falling in this same pattern?  I had all the opportunity in the world to be successful and once again greed has failed me.  Is it so bad to fucking want something so bad that you would do anything, absolutely anything to get that of which you desire the most?   I mean, what the fuck else am I supposed to do why you lay in this hospital bed on life support and I can’t do anything to help make you all better?  I fucking need SOMETHING to keep my going!  I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you…I sincerely mean that, too.”

Hollywood couldn’t feel anything…but that didn’t mean that he didn’t have the capacity to show emotion.  He was locked away inside his own soul.  His soul was being tormented and he felt like he was experiencing hell on earth.  The world was finally standing still despite the fact that he had made the mistakes he had transgressed.  Hollywood takes his hand as he slowly brushed it through Audrey’s long flowing, blonde hair.  Who knows if she actually felt it at all.

Brian Hollywood: “I wish I could feel what you are feeling right now…and it seems at this current time, you can’t feel anything at all.  Maybe that’s the secret of it all…to not feel.  Perhaps it’s just dishing out the pain you want to unleash that you should be feeling but have no idea just what exactly the feeling is.  I may not be filled with greedy agendas anymore, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t want it all.  I really wish you could hear me.  Jesus fuck, who am I fucking kidding?”

Hollywood stands up and he can’t help but to leave the room.  He doesn’t exactly know how to properly process his emotions as he walks down the long hallway corridor that seemed endless.  Ironically, he came across the hospital chapel as he stands in the entryway.  He didn’t exactly walk away as he stared inside.  Was this intrigue?  Or was it a desperate answer to anything he could get?  It didn’t seem to matter which way it was going, Hollywood found himself walking in.  There were at least five rows of pews and of course the alter.  Around the corner, though, it appeared that the hospital church was currently doing confessions.  Hollywood didn’t know what the fuck was what and he found himself walking towards one of the confessionals.  He walks inside and takes a kneel as there was literally no other thing he could do.

Brian Hollywood: “What the fuck is this?  How can you have a little room and not be able to sit inside here?  Honestly, I’m just looking for a place to hide out, you know, lay low from anyone finding me.  I don’t particularly want to be found.”

Just then, a sound can be heard from the other side of the confessional which started Hollywood after he heard a little cough from the other side.

Brian Hollywood: “Jesus!”

An answer to Hollywood’s holy name drop.

Father Paul: “No, I’m afraid it’s just Father John Luke Paul.  What can I do for you tonight my son?”

Brian Hollywood: “Son?  Sorry, my father isn’t here.  Who knows where the blue hell he’s at.”

Father Paul: “Sounds to me you might be a newcomer to the faith…or perhaps just in a transitional period in your life?  Maybe you’re experiencing a moment of turmoil?”

Brian Hollywood: “What do you know of it?  What does God know of it?”

Father Paul: “My son, the good lord watches over everyone no matter how much they’ve sinned.  I feel like he’s trying to intervene in your life right now.  Perhaps you should give him a chance to change your soul?”

Hollywood lets out a smirk before answering.

Brian Hollywood: “Change my soul?  Nah…I’m sorry father, but I don’t think there’s any chance my soul is changing anytime soon!  What’s the point of it all really?  If God were on your side all the time, then why the fuck do I feel so alone?  Why do I feel like I haven’t won anything?  Why does God have to be a torturous God?  If he loves man so much, than why all the bloody suffering?  Why can’t I make a difference anymore?  My girlfriend is fighting for her life in a damn coma and I don’t even feel like I have a purpose in life anymore.  So can you really sit over there and tell me my soul has any chance for salvation?  For redemption?  Any happy ending at all?  Cause if your answer is yes, please….enlighten me!  Why does there have to be so much pain if God so calls loves us?”

Father Paul: “Have you ever considered God is testing your will?  Testing how strong you really are?  You can’t have it both ways.  You can’t expect to have the results you want without having faith.  Faith is the first step my son.  You have to put your faith in God if you wish to be successful and sometimes that means sacrificing greedy tendencies.”

Brian Hollywood: “Why do I feel like you’re judging me now?   I know you recognize my voice and it sounds like a damn intervention session.  I’m sorry….I don’t have time for this…”

Hollywood shakes his head as he promptly leaves the confessional and proceeds out of the church.  Hollywood lets out a sigh as he heads back to Audrey’s room.  Clearly it was going to take faith to help Audrey pull through the still long battle she had in front of her as the scene slowly fades to black.

=========================

I had aspirations.  I really did.

The truth of it all is that I really had nothing to lose at Alcatraz.  The match ended exactly the way it could have been predicted.  Let’s just address the elephant in the room, shall we?

This match was clearly between Jeffrey James Roberts, Scottywood and myself.  We were the only three people who really made this match what it was.  We could have been the only three, however, to make it the match it SHOULD have been!  Jeffrey can keep on claiming that he could have injured either one of us worse than what we ended up.  I call absolute bullshit on that!  No, Jeffrey, you sir are losing your mystique.  I remember when you exploded on the scene here in High Octane Wrestling.  But all you have been since then is compassionate.  What did I fucking say that out loud?  Maybe I did.  Truth is you would be nothing with that HOTv Championship around your waist without me.  I know what it takes to win.  I really do.  If I were so bad, if I was supposedly relegated to the opening act of a Refueled show, don’t you think I would be the opening act?  Don’t you think that I wouldn’t get the shots I was getting if I were anything but?

Truth is Jeffrey, you’ve lost what made you so damn dangerous in the first place.  You lost that killer instinct.  Hell, maybe I did, too.  But you won’t hurt me to the point you continuously tout.  I have faced you twice already and I have yet to really feel the wrath you so call preach every fucking week.  Truth is, you and I….we’re not so different.

We both crave to be on the top.  We both crave for success.  Maybe, just maybe you may have my number this weekend.  If I were being honest with you, I really don’t know where I belong anymore.  However, on the other side of that debatable coin, you have a man who literally gives no fucks what happens to him.  That’s not fear.  It’s just called not giving a flying fuck in the world anymore.  I’m nearing the end of my career.  Perhaps there’s still promise with you.  I can debate what I still have left in the tank, but you’ll counter and say I’m not the act I so called used to boast about.  Maybe you’re right.  But I have to believe that there’s still something left out of it all.

I really haven’t felt so vulnerable, yet so yearning the feeling to cause more bloodshed in my entire life.  Truthfully, I’m not afraid of you.  Truthfully, all I want to do is take back that HOTv Championship and be able to feel proud again.  But the truth of the matter is, I’m tired.  I’m tired of proving that I can still dance with the big boys.  All I do is get lost in the shuffle when the status quo rears its ugly asshole.  But what are you Jeffrey?  Who is the man behind the wrath?  What’s left for you if you strip away all the rage and the wrath inside?  I’ll tell you what’s left.  NOTHING!  Absolutely and equivocally nothing!  I don’t really need a title to be relevant around here.  You said it yourself.  I’m a mainstay in this company and I had my run at the top.  Am I done being at the top?  Never.  I never want to feel that way.  I’m as dangerous as I am vulnerable and I’d like to think I know my own weaknesses….my own transgressions of what makes me a target and an easy target at that.  I make it too fucking easy sometimes…and you know what?  That’s on me.  That’s one hundred percent on me.  But this isn’t the end my friend.

I have to believe…or I have to have….dare I say it, faith…to believe that there’s still something left for good ole Hollywood to do, to accomplish.  I could take that HOTv Championship if I really wanted to.  That’s not to say I don’t….but maybe it’s time I start proving that I can be an attraction without a championship.  It’s fueled me before.  It’s resulted in wins for me and relevancy.  Truth is I don’t need a title to prove how great I am.  Maybe I’m starting to see that.  Seems as if lately all I do when I fight for a championship I focus at all the wrong things.  Maybe…just maybe, I need to take my own carnage out on this HOW roster without a championship around my waist.  Maybe I become the one man no one wants to fucking cross when there’s not a championship on the line.  Cause I know what it takes to be successful and I know what it takes to be relevant when there’s not a title on the line.  Maybe that’s what I’ve been missing all this time…maybe…just fucking maybe.

I’m not gong to bore you with some boring monologue on becoming a champion and doing what I need to do to get the job done…to get that win.  No….I don’t think I’ll be doing that anymore.  Perhaps that’s what’s been so wrong with this whole picture from the start.

Even if I don’t defeat you without winning a championship, perhaps I am serving some kind of higher power to prove that I can be just as successful, just as dangerous without a championship around my waist.  Maybe that’s what had been missing.  Maybe…just maybe…but how do I really fucking know?

This weekend, I’ll have a chance to win back the HOTv Championship and earn myself a second reign with the championship.  I mean, I have found success in the past when I didn’t just lock my eyes on the top prize in all of HOW.

So bring me your best, JJR.  I implore you to.  Maybe, just maybe….I can fight in this match and we can both brutalize the hell out of each other..but be careful….because you don’t want to make me a martyr.  Perhaps that’s all that’s been missing.

A martyr.

Maybe…just maybe….I might be on to something…