Cartoon Fairytale

A paper plate slides underneath the door within the confines of this claustrophobic room. The darkened space is only marginally lit by the light coming from the crack beneath the door.

Suddenly, a bulb is lit by a chain pull and this creates a spotlight effect over the plate in the middle of the area. Furthermore, on the plate is a single slice of badly cut meat. Perhaps pork or chicken.

The focus remains fully on the plate for a silent minute or so. Then a physically shaken human hand enters the spotlight and hesitantly moves closer to the meat ever so slowly.

Abruptly, from out of nowhere.. the pate is snatched and the meat is emphatically devoured. This is picked up by audio as the person eating the meat is slopping his chops.

“Ya might remember the circle of life with some lion cub being fackin’ hoisted up over a wild primates head.”

A loud burp is heard as the paper plate is tossed back through the spotlight and slides back out of sight.

“Ya’ve lived in the cartoon life where Cinderella woke up from her kiss and Aladdin got his gal on a magic carpet ride.

Ohh, how fackin’ magical. Makes you want to fackin’ weep.”

A shuffling noise on the concrete floor is discerned.

“But in this story. In this fairytale..

The Hunchback never sees the light…”

Buck Yates edges into the spotlight and appears battered and bruised. His face, truly beaten to a pulp and fully taking the saying ‘beaten black and blue’ to a whole different level.

BUCK: But don’t ya be fackin’ fooled. The Hunchback is the most deadly fackin’ two-legged beast walkin’.

Ya see, ya little cartoon fairytale got everythin’ all dick backwards. That’s not the true story. Naw, truth is.. The Hunchback was beaten, pissed on, burnt n’ forced to shite in a bucket. Ya little fairytale forgot to leave those little details in. Ya little fairytale paints only a picture that makes them feel better and The Hunchback no better thought of; painted with freshly curled turd n’ fuckin’ lies n’ deceit. That is the true art on the canvas of The Hunchback.

Thing of beauty, ain’t it? Good guys?

I lose one match n’ it’s suddenly the worst day of everyone else’s life. The toothless hick that came out from his swamp and caused fackin’ hell ought to go back huh? Hop on the monkey swing and jump in real fackin’deep. Ya were expectin’ me to go on a streak but believe me ya don’t want me to remove these three-week-old-worn budgie smugglers.

But what ya fackin’ expect.. don’t always work. Ya see, ya used to the fairytale n’ ya can’t see past the final kiss with all of the colorful fackin’ fireworks. Ya blinded by what ya see n’ what is fackin’ reality.

But what I’m used to, n’ what ya all prone to… is everything in reserve with a smile on my fackin’ face n’ a massive: get to fack to ya. Cos Buck-boy does not dance to ya tune n’ will not be defeated cos ya say he is.

Uncle Buck lost one fackin’ match n’ like the family dog.. took behind the stables and shot half to death cos he couldn’t perform any more tricks. Then shot a second fackin’ time to fully put the poor lil dingo out of its mystery.

But from where I’m from, bein’ beaten is just as common as brushin’ ya damn nashers. Even the three good ones…

Buck releases a huge grin that shows the most badly kept teeth in the whole of Western Australia………… America and undoubtedly China. Make that the world.

BUCK: Ya see, little Buck spent most of his summers in this room; the room under the stairs. But, turns out.. it isn’t just the room under the stairs, but the room directly under momma’s bedroom where she brought a different bloke home every Sunday after church.

Buck side-smirks.

BUCK: A different bloke to beat up on the runt of the litter for shits n’ giggles cos that’s all he deserves.

A little chuckle escapes from Buck as it’s picked up on audio.

BUCK: Maybe Buck had what was comin’ to him? Fackin’ especially at the hands of Captain Dick at Refueled XIV. Ya, he did me in good and that’s why I’m here; young Buck needs to be punished. N’ that’s why you’re up there… up there…. with her.

Buck licks his lips ever so seductively.

BUCK: Ya deserve ya prize, Dick. You may not have been invited up there but ya’ve been invited by Lee. Ya really did a number on me and no fackin’ coincidence why ya up there and I’m… I’m… down here.

Fack, there’s a whole new meaning to the sayin’: land down under, lemme tell ya that.

Last Refueled, I was here. It’s fackin’ funny.. I could almost see the whole show play out in front of me. It was like on those sunny days where I could almost see all the kids from the neighborhood playing a game of hop-fackin’-scotch whilst I had much-needed reflection time.

I could see Alex Redding take on the Brian Hollywood. And oh boy, didn’t he look so strong. I saw Alex Redding put to bed Brian Hollywood . N’ goy, what a fackin’ belter.

I saw a sick fackin’ puppy drive another man on his fackin’ head n’ that was goodnight Irene. Ya showed the whole world why ya belong in the big leagues in professional wrestling. Hollywood is no slouch, a former world champion.. a gold fackin’ star for ya. Ya deserve all of the plaudits from the controllers of the world. The controllers of HOW and it’s fans. But what ya don’t fackin’ deserve is a lil skip down the yellow brick road in your quest for a happy ending in this… this Lee Best Invitational.

Ya may have thought the credits were already rollin’ but let me tell ya, mate… rewind. Cos Buck-boy might just take another beatin’. Cos fack, we’ve all seen that from ya already. But what do ya plan on doin’ when Bucky gets back up..?

BUCK: Try droppin’ me on my fackin’ head…

Buck looks deep into the soul and does not say another word.

BUCK: Fackin’ give it to me ya stupid horrible barstard..!

Buck starts punching himself into the eye, relentlessly.

BUCK: Ya cannot beat the beaten! There’s nothin’ left to beat! YOU STUPID FACK-WEASEL!

Buck spits whilst shouting, venomously.

Until… nothing. Absolutely nothing. Buck simply sits in the silence gathering his thoughts.

BUCK: There’s no over. It doesn’t end. But on this circle of life of fackin’-fuckery ya’ll realize..

There’s no genie in a lamp, the seven dwarfs will have their wicked way the damsel in distress, the lil mermaid gets deep-fried n’ sold on Saturday mornings fish market…

Ya wont believe in fairies.

Ya’ll just believe in one fackin’ thing.

Ya’ll only believe in….. The Diwan Forest killer.

With that said, the door creaks open. The full light beams throughout the diminutive room and Buck looks up squinting his eyes. His open wounds looking even sorer when viewed in light.

Buck stutters on his words, not really knowing how to react or how to articulate.

BUCK: I’m sorry… momma.