Bruvstorming

The front door opens with the flick of a card key and into the 24K House walks Mikey Unlikely.

After a long day of being super famous, he’s tired and ready to relax. He slips off his loafers, and takes off the blazer he’s wearing. Hanging it in the closet on a hanger, he then removes his aviator sunglasses and places them into a special sunglasses case in the same closet.

He moves through the foyer and down the hall to a bedroom where he is obviously staying. His phone vibrates in his pocket. Pulling out the cellie he can see it’s Witherhold.

“Tough day at the track today! Going out tonight to get over it. You in?”

Mikey types the quick response of “not tonight.” and shoots it back. He’s ready to unwind. Rolling his neck he begins to unbutton the cuffs on his shirt. Another message comes through on his phone.

“Ayeee Mikey, don’t forget we got lunch on Tuesday! I’ve got something BIG to run past you! Can’t wait!”

It’s from his agent. Someone Mikey hasn’t been a fan of much lately. They’ve been together for a few years now, a new record for managing MIkey, but his hard work attitude is just starting to wear the Hollywood Actor down.

He pulls the shirt off and tosses it towards a laundry basket in the room. He missed but reminds himself the maid service will get it. Now his phone rings. He quickly picks it up but doesn’t say anything.

“Hey Mikey it’s Denise, your publicist. Listen last week you were at Club GoGo in Milwaukee and there were some complaints about…

He sighs, hangs his head, and listens.

“They definitely want you to come back but we have to look at other ways to keep you out of trouble in public, people want to get at you, for all the wrong reasons.”

Rolling his eyes he nods along regardless of the fact that she can’t see his reaction. Finally he ends the call and sits down on the end of the bed. Flipping on the tv, maybe the static noise coming from some show will help calm his nerves. He shoots a look over to the small private bar in his room. Then looks away.

JFK can’t drink right now, I shouldn’t lean on it either. Fun not stress. Don’t even try it. 

He straightens up and gets ready to head to the bathroom to take a shower. Before he makes it in, a notification pops up on his phone from a messenger app.

“Mikey it’s Amanda, are we still on for tonight? I had so much fun last night and you said if I hit you up again tonight..”

I really have to stop accepting friend requests from Strippees. 

From the other side of the room another cell phone rings. Mikey runs over and grabs it, and picks it up.

“Hello! Mom?… Hey what’s goin on? Mom can you hear me?”

He realizes what happened and exhales sharply, ending the call.

Buttdial. 

He throws the phone at the bed with a little force, obviously growing even more flustered with each message.

Mikey finally walks into the bathroom leaving his two cell phones behind. He kicks the water on and lets it warm up. Back in the bedroom there’s a beeping noise, and suddenly Unlikely’s Printer/Scanner/Fax machine whirs into motion and begins to print some papers.

Mikey marches back out of the bathroom, his pants still on, walks over to the printer and even before it can finish the first page of whatever is coming out, he places both hands on it, and pushes it off the table onto the floor. The machine crashes with a bang and papers go everywhere. Clearly frustrated Mikey kicks the printer across the floor.

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”

He starts to walk back into the bathroom before another quick beep behind him, turning around and in a full sprint runs back to the printer and begins to kick it again.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Mikey grabs his cell phone, he slides down from the top and clicks on cellular data and the wifi button, eliminating any connection with the outside world from his phone. He then slides his finger over a few apps. He finally selects one and then pulls the phone in close. As the camera moves behind Mikey we can finally see what he’s looking at.

A photo of the High Octane World Tag Team Championships. Suddenly his tense shoulders let loose, he breathes heavy. He stares at the image on his phone.

When I think about THIS… everything else doesn’t seem to matter. 

Suddenly a smile flickers across his face, he drops the phone onto the bed and heads for the shower, feeling refreshed and ready.

___________________________________________________________________________

“You’ve got to check out these socks Bruv!”

Mikey peeks his head from around the corner. They are in the recreation room of the stupid large rental facility they are splitting. Mikey’s playing pool, while JFK is sitting down tying a brand new pair of shoes onto his feet. He pulls both pant legs up to his knee to show Mikey what he’s talking about.

Both socks are black with huge images of Mario Maurako on them with his famous arms crossed pose.

“He’s going to see these bad boys, and he’s going to KNOW the Hollywood Bruvs are the PERFECT team for him to get behind! How could you not!? Flattery is the easiest way to a man’s heart. Especially a retired hall of famer man!

Kendrix beems his pearly whites as he goes over his plan with Mikey.

“First you come in all smooth talking like you do with the strippees. You whip out the customized “Super Mario Bruvs” DVD cover we had created and present it to him. I’ll lean onto a chair and make sure he can see my socks, and we’ll be in like conjoined twins! “

His Unlikely tag partner flashes a smile back before looking back at the billiards table.

Mikey Unlikely: Great plan Bruv, I love it! We did send the Hollywood Bruvs greatest hits DVD ahead of time, yea?

JFK nods as he finishes up his shoes. He clacks them together a few times for good measure. It’s a perfect fit!

Kendrix: Yep! And we sent him The Hollywood Bruvs Logo’d 24K Toaster! Now all his bread will come out with a 24K logo on it!

The Hollywood actors’ eyes get big.

Mikey Unlikely: My gawd, that sounds like the sexiest toast ever! EVER! Also a great way to remind Mario that YES, the Hollywood Bruvs ARE the greatest gift that’s ever been placed into his lap! Imagine being handed a Tag Team division, and you’ve got the Cadillac team right there at the top of the list! What a lucky guy! I’ve never had it so easy myself.

Kendrix: We are the investment that keeps on giving Bruv! I don’t blame the guy for being so overwhelmed with our super duper star status that he couldn’t even speak when we met him! I’d be blown away by us too!

Unlikely lines up a shot. He slowly practices where he’s going to hit the ball and swings… and barely hits the ball, causing it to move about 3 inches. Mikey looks to make sure no one saw and places it back in its original position. Mulligan.

Mikey Unlikely: Definitely! You know what freaks me out though? We’re going to Normandy! FRANCE! What even IS that!? When people go to France you go to Paris! Everyone knows this. The boutiques, the cafes, the leaning tower of Eiffel! That’s the only place in France I’ve ever heard of! What’s so special about this Normandy anyway?

JFK squints at Mikey basically asking him to say sike right now. No dice.

Kendrix: Bruv… Normandy, D-Day.. That whole thing?

The Hollywood star thinks about it for a minute before shrugging.

Mikey Unlikely: Dollar Day at the Strippee Club? Alright, you talked me into it! Let’s go!

Unlikely tosses the cue down on the table and moves towards the door. JFK lingers back and yells after him.

Kendrix: BRUV! Not that D-Day, that’s not for a few more weeks, innit? This is World War II D Day. The Day the Americans, Britians, Canadians, and more all teamed up to invade France during World War Two!

The C Lister looks even more confused now.

Mikey Unlikely: Wait… we fought France in the war? What did they bring, Baguettes?

With that he doubles over in laughter.

Kendrix: Nah it was the Germans Bruv, they had invaded France, they had taken over… they shut down all the cafes.

Almost choking on his own spit, the other Bruv is appalled.

Mikey Unlikely: They did WHAT!? So no Frapps for ANYONE!? What a time to be alive, we need to avenge our ForBruvs! The Bruvs who walked before us, frappless, segwayless. The only way we can do our BruvFathers any justice… is for us to walk into War Games as Bruvs, and walk out… as World Tag Team Champions! They lived a life we couldn’t imagine, just so we could be here and have this opportunity!

They both sing the Drake lyric that is very similar.

In Unison: Started from the bottom now we’re here!

Kendrix: Drake is so wise, I’ve always said that?

Mikey Unlikely: Yeah, but I said it first.

Holding up one finger the C Lister makes his point.

Kendrix: It’s almost as if he knew that the Hollywood Bruvs would indeed be here on the cusp of greatness. The plucky favourites, just a few days away from entering Normandy beach like the heroes before them, will put their bodies on the line when we go to war against Bandits, HATE preachers, a Colonel of section 214…

With a stroke of the tiny beard, Unlikely considers the Bruvs last opponent.

Mikey Unlikely: And even one of our own trusted allies.

Kendrix: This match means so much to every single person competing in it. Look at Bobby Dean. The fat bastard has waited years for this shot at greatness. Finally his friendship with Cancer Jiles and Doozer has paid off big time because they’ve gifted him this opportunity even though he doesn’t deserve to be there. The pressure is indeed on Bobby because It’s all or nothing at war games for you. Who knows when you’re going to get another shot as big as this ever again. You blow this gift and it’s all over. You know just like we do that you don’t have it in you to earn your way to the top because, quite frankly you fat cunt, you don’t believe in yourself enough to do it.

The American shakes his head and laughs at the truth behind JFK’s words. He lines up his next shot. Drills it! Unfortunately it misses every other ball on the table.

Mikey Unlikely: CLOSE! BoBo, you had that crowd right behind you at ReFueled alright, all the momentum and backing in the world, finally. However, unluckily for you your fans aren’t gonna be at War Games, no fans allowed on the beach of Normandy to push you on to glory. So it’s just you and Zeb being fed to the wolves, Bruv. You and the fun time rookie against the team of the DECADE! The team that can take a loss and STILL be ranked #1 in High Octane, whereas you tend to take a loss…every single time you get in the ring.

He points to the corner pocket where he plans for his next ball to go in. He shoots and Kendrix taps the ball as it rolls and guides it to the corner. Unlikely sinks the shot.

Kendrix: This isn’t just a standard Tag Team title match, lads. There’s no better luck next time for you. The Bruvs’ entire WORLD is on the line at War Games. The significance of the result will echo around the globe, the ramifications will be felt for years to come as OUR Tag Team World Domination within High Octane Wrestling begins.

Unlikely gives up and just starts hitting the balls into respective holes. He’s had enough for one day. Kendrix meanwhile watches haphazardly. He’s really thinking about the Tag Team Championships around the HB’s waists.

Mikey Unlikely: We’re talking real domination, quality domination. Unlike that failed quantity domination bullshit Scotty Woodson has already tried. You can hide behind your monster, your security and your cash, but when you step into the ring this Saturday there is nowhere to run and there certainly won’t be anyone for you to bribe your way to the belts. How many mistakes are you gonna make, Woodson? These are the High Octane Tag Team Titles on the line. You can’t just go into War Games and throw aimless shit around expecting it to stick. THIS IS WAR! You need strategy, timing and chemistry on top of the fire power.

The American points to his head, clearly he’s thought this through. JFK meanwhile has a hard time with his hate for HATE. It’s a real problem in 24K.

Mikey Unlikely: Since 24K shook the very foundations of this company, when we made our oh so impressive declaration of war at HOW 400, the Hollywood Bruvs have participated in our fair share of battles, well…more than our fair share of battles. Most we’ve won, some we’ve lost. But every battle we’ve gone through has led us to this moment…

They share a glance across the billiards table.

Kendrix: To finally achieve what we set out to do when we signed our contracts with Lee Best. To finally take home the High Octane Wrestling Tag Team Championships. The most coveted Tag Team belts in all of Wrestling.

With a motion across the waist, Kendrix can basically FEEL the championship titles once more.

Mikey Unlikely: The wins against Red & Ted, Ryan and Troy, the defeats to The World and Icon Champs…and to Andy Murray…none of those battles, no matter how intense they were , none of them matter anymore. It’s who wins the war that counts. You know who’s not going to win this war? The team with the depleting army…the team of HATE!

JFK’s flabber looks gasted.

Kendrix: Ugh, I hate HATE!

Mikey Unlikely: Then there’s the colonel himself, Joey Joe Joe Bergman. The man who gives it is all, his A plus effort, the man who is proud that he’s got as far as he has in this game because his opponents have underestimated him…and he’s literally going to war expecting that the greatest tag team in the world are going to do exactly that. Joey, the fact that you are a tag team champion makes us sick. Here’s another guy in the match who doesn’t deserve to be in it, let alone a tag team champion. You lucked out because of a lottery and even more so because you got to tag with the finest singles wrestler in the world ever who carried you to those titles.

JFK and Mikey share a look that says “Do they know who we are?”

Kendrix: Joe Bergman, you know just as well as we do, that YOU CAN’T TRUST Andy Murray just as much as he doesn’t trust you. You can’t count on him to be there when you need him most…but we can. How must that feel? You’re going into War Games without your stupid 214 section fans and against 3 men who team together on a regular basis. 3 men with a shared vision and goal. No one in section 214 can help you. No one here will cross the line to save you because they know 24K will put them down!

Unlikely holds out the cue and drops it on the table like a mic that needs dropped when fire lines are said.

Mikey Unlikely: We’re going to win the war bruv!

Kendrix: And to win this war The Hollywood Bruvs have to take our game to the next level when we step inside two caged rings. The Hollywood Bruvs are going to have to do some things that even WE don’t want to do!

The C Lister holds out both hands and shrugs. What option do the Bruvs have? They must succeed.

Mikey Unlikely: We’re going to have to beat a fellow Bruv. We’re going to have to go up against Andy Murray. We knew this ahead of time, from the very day he and Joe Birdman won the titles. The Hollywood Bruvs are destined for nothing but greatness, so is Andy Murray! Just not with Joe Bergman by his side. Joe Bergman! A man who can only get one section of the arena to cheer for him!

A valid point.

Kendrix: I don’t know bruv, there might be 100 seats in that section!

The pair laugh together as they often do.

Mikey Unlikely: We’re not looking at Andy Murray and asking if his knees can take it. We know they can. We’re not looking at Andy Murray and asking if he’s too old, because it’s clear to us that he’s not. We’re not looking to Andy Murray and asking if on his best day he can beat you or I. Because he can individually. We’re just looking at Andy Murray like he’s got more at stake than the Tag Team Titles.

Mikey picks up the billiard cue off the table and gets back to it. JFK picks up another one and the pair begin to work together.

Kendrix: That’s it Bruv! We know he’s the best wrestler here by himself! We know Joe Bergman is a hanger on who continues to disrespect his partner. We also know that every single time we’ve come up against Andy Murray we’ve lost in the only match he had that night.

Mikey points directly at JFK. He hit the nail on the head.

Kendrix: …but in Normandy, he’s got more than one match. He’s got a chance to win the High Octane World Heavyweight Championship! Is he going to give us everything he has and leave absolutely nothing for Cecilworth Farthington? For Mike Best? Is he going to walk into the cage a second time ready to be murdered?

Mikey Unlikely: That’s what I heard! He’s going to give it all in the tag match!

Jesse points back.

Kendrix: And we expect nothing less from him. Why? Because we’ve already seen it first hand…twice! The man is under contract but when he steps foot into the squared circle he knows only one way to fight…and that’s with everything he bloody has and more…no matter who he comes up against…even his own bruvs!

Mikey hits the 8 ball into the corner pocket, clearly not knowing the rules. Kendrix meanwhile lines up a straight shot on the 2 ball.

Kendrix: Twice, Andy Murray has beaten the Bruvs. Twice he has taken away our dream, the very reason we came to compete in HOW. Goddammit, we love you Murr. Despite it all, you know how important those belts are to us. Hell, you even free birded them to us. You’re a great guy.

Unlikely agrees with his Bruv.

Mikey Unlikely: He really is a good guy!

Kendrix: But do you have any idea how degrading it was for us to carry your hand me downs? Sure the Bruvs put on a brave face, we understood why you did it. But the fact that you got to walk around with the belts and free bird them to us made us feel cheap like Dan Ryan and Lindsay Troy. We won’t let that happen again. Because on June 21st we are going to go that extra step in our game that has held us back in the battles we’ve lost against the very best in High Octane.

The pair knock the last couple billiard balls on the table into the holes. They share a celebratory gluefist for good measure.

Mikey Unlikely: We will take no prisoners in this war. We learned that the hard way against you, Andy. We learned that from the King.We don’t want to feel like second best ever again so if it’s a choice between not scuttling your plans in your second match of the evening or winning the Tag Team titles? Then it’s no contest, not even close. We’ve got one goal Bruv, and unfortunately it includes beating you!

Kendrix: And in order to beat you, Andy…mark my words we fucking know what we have to do…The Hollywood Bruvs are ready to break you and leave you with absolutely nothing in order to become the victors of War Games and write our history.

They put the Billiard sticks away and leave the recreation room solemn as the cameras fade out.