He better not be drunk again. This can’t go on.
A look at the Rolex, 2.30am, on a school night.
Footsteps approach the front door to a worried and concerned looking Mikey Unlikely. The Hollywood C Lister (That’s C for Cool), usually asleep in bed dressed in his official HOW merchandise Mikey Unlikely pyjamas and hugging his Mikey Unlikely official HOW merchandise teddy bear, is psyching himself up to have a rather uncomfortable chat with his bestest bruv in the whole wide world, Jesse Fredericks Kendrix.
C’mon man, you can do this. Remember that film you did with Macaulay Culkin…Who cares that it was 20 years after Home Alone! It’s the same…but Jesse’s my Bruv.
There’s a thud against the door to the condo accompanied by some rather incoherent rambling which interrupts Mikey’s inner conflict.
Big deep breath.
Jesse, we need to talk…no that’s too much.
He holds his index finger against his lips in thought, meanwhile there’s still a struggle at the door, the sound of keys scratching against the frame.
Bruv, let’s sit down and have a manly man chat.
Mikey shakes his head.
No, that’s too casual. Think Mikey, think.
Try as he might though, the struggle at the door is enough to put anyone out of their thinking stride as the keys rattle against the door frame once more. Worried about the paint job, Mikey can’t take it any longer.
Mikey Unlikely: Jesse! How many times? We don’t have a lock and key door handle. You just tap your key card against the light by the door!
Unlikely holds three fingers up and counts them down
As the door swings open, Jesse grabs the arch of the door to keep himself from falling over. Barely upright, he drops the key card on the cabinet by the entrance and stares at the set of keys in his hands, an impressed look upon his face.
Kendrix: I don’t even know where I got these from.
Hands on hips, Mikey then holds his wrist out and taps it impatiently at his flat mate.
Mikey Unlikely: Do you even know what time it is? Right now I should be in bed with Mr Fuzzy Unlikable and dreaming about that Oscar I’m going to win next year for my moving performance in Godzilla 2020! But instead I’ve been up all night worried about you.
Jesse rubs his head as he walks past his tag partner.
Kendrix: Listen, yeah? That’s really sweet of you…mother!
He opens the fridge door as Mikey looks on, offended but mainly with hope to see Jesse take out nothing more than one of the many prepared (and quite frankly much needed) Oreo Frappes.
Kendrix: But I’m fine mate. I just had, like, one beer all evening.
There it is, the fridge swings back to reveal a cold bottle of beer that in no time has lost it’s cap and it’s contents begin to make their way down the neck of the troubled Hollywood Bruv. Mikey holds the palm of his hand against his eyes before dragging it down across his nose and mouth. Exasperated and desperately tired, Mikey gives in.
Mikey Unlikely: OK, Jesse…take a seat….
He gestures towards the stools by the bar area of the kitchen.
Mikey Unlikely: …We need to talk.
We open to a beautiful suburban neighborhood. Upscale townhouses everywhere you look. Perfectly manicured lawns, small trees dot the shared yards, sports and luxury vehicles in nearly every driveway and garage.
The sun is shining now without a cloud in the sky. It’s a great day to be wealthy!
As the camera slowly pans to the left we finally see The Hollywood Bruvs. Walking side by side down the sidewalk, discussing various important matters. They both wear matching Tracksuits. White with Gold Stripes down the sides, the pair look pretty trendy. Especially with the HOW Tag Team titles around their waists, over the clothes.
Why is a cameraman with them in this suburban neighborhood? Well because Kendrix is a star, Mikey is a Hollywood actor, and they’re about to talk about their upcoming Lethal Lottery match, THATS WHY!
We catch them mid conversation.
Mikey Unlikely: …and so after all that, after the gauntlet stipulation, after making us fight Murrrphongo and Perfongo first, after WE STILL WON the High Octane Tag Team Championships, now they throw another hurdle in our way… We have to defend the Tag Team Championships RIGHT AWAY and against mystery opponents at that! Un. Be. Lievable.
With a bit of fake surprise Mikey elbows JFK and points to the camera.
Mikey Unlikely: LIVE baby! I love being recorded, it’s almost like there’s always a camera everywhere I go capturing everything I do! It’s great! I’m sure it’s going to entertain a lot of people!
You can almost see the lightbulb over Mikey’s head as he comes to a realization. He slaps his Bruv in the chest to get his attention.
MIkey Unlikely: That’s all this is Jesse.. Why didn’t I think of it sooner!? That’s why we did Card Subject to Change… That’s why we did a gauntlet match… that’s why we fought in a building older than Dan Ryan… and bruv, THAT’S OLD! …and finally that’s why we’re doing the Lethal Lottery deal…
JFK plays along. He knows what it’s like to have someone cut off your steam, it hurts.
The C Lister turns to his partner.
Mikey Unlikely: FOR ENTERTAINMENT!
An excited Mikey gets even more animated.
Mikey Unlikely: Think about it… We’ve been the best tag team all over the world! We’ve won Tag Team Championships EVERYWHERE we’ve been, bruv! I mean just look at these bad boys! They look great on us.
Mikey pauses for a moment to appreciate the fine craftsmanship that went into… oh no.. nope nevermind he’s staring at the reflection of his face in the title.
Mikey Unlikely: So what do you do when you’ve done it all?
The American member of the team shakes his head slowly.
Mikey Unlikely: You do SPIN OFFS!
Mikey holds both hands out excitedly waiting for his Bruv to “get it”. He doesn’t.
Mikey Unlikely: You see we did “The Hollywood Bruvs” Movie! That was us in Utah! Then we did the Sequel. “The Hollywood Bruvs 2: Bruvfiance!” Then we had the TRIFECTA! “The Hollywood Bruvs 3: The End of the Bruvs! This is the fourth film in the franchise! “The Hollywood Bruvs 4: High Octane!” This is where they start making us do weird shit like “The Bruvs in Space!” or “The Bruvs in 3D!” you’ve seen those movies… That’s what this is, the gimmicks, the weird matches… ITS BRUVS IN SPACE!
Jesse preses his index finger against his lips as his eyes turn skywards deep in thought
Enter the mind of Jesse Fredericks Kendrix accompanied by the one hit wonder that was “Spaceman” by Babylon Zoo….
Mikey and Jesse, dressed in their space suits…made of gold (OBVS) are floating through an asteroid belt. It’s an intense and dangerous predicament the Bruvs find themselves in, but what else do you expect from our beloved Space Sports Entertainment Heroes? They manoeuvre their way through the belt by hopping on each asteroid that comes steaming their way.
Mikey Unlikely: Bruv, Where’s my Frapp?
Kendrix: That alien dude stole our frappes from the starbucks spacestation we were just at.
Low and behold, we see a small green looking dude with no eyeballs just a few feet away from the Bruvs, antagonising them further with a cheeky wave and mocking sip of their Oreo flavoured Frappes.
Jesse’s face turns red with rage but before he can cut through the rest of the asteroids (with the same surprising ease he’s done so far despite no previous Space Sports Entertainment Experience) he’s tapped repeatedly on the shoulder by what appears to be a female Alien wearing very little clothes…in fact, she’s beginning to take what little clothes she has off…that’s right…Alien Strippee!
She turns to JFK and goes to whisper in his ear.
Alien Strippee: Jesse, Jesse, Earth to Jay Eff Kay!
It’s Mikey’s voice, he’s trying to snap his best bruv out of it.
Exit the Space Sports Entertainment mind of Jesse Fredricks Kendrix.
Mikey Unlikely stands shaking his bruv who finally snaps out of his day dreaming.
Kendrix: The Bruvs in Space is GOLD!
Mikey Unlikely: Dude, what were you thinking about? You were ignoring me for 5 minutes. Let’s talk about it though, get it out of the way. Lethal Lottery. Not only are we DEFENDING our brand new High Octane Tag Team Championship, but we don’t know who we’re up against?
Kendrix shakes his head at the terrible situation the Bruvs find themselves in yet again.
Kendrix: Why, Mikey? Why does this keep happening in High Octane Wrestling? For the love of all that is sacred in Professional Wrestling…why can’t the Bruvs just have like…I don’t know…a month off after we won the belts fair and square at March to Glory and then use that month to prepare against an already named tag team? It’s just not right.
Jesse grits his teeth and slams his fist frustratedly into the palm of his other hand. Yes, he’s that angry.
Mikey Unlikely: I know, I know Bruv, it’s not right! This is what we have to do however. We have to represent 24k proudly. We have to defend these sexy gold championships and we need to show High Octane just how good the Bruvs can be! Between you and I, do you know who I hope we get to face?
The anticipation is too much for JFK.
Kendrix: MIKE BEST! No! Max Kael! NO! Red and Ted!
With a shake of the head Unlikely says otherwise.
Mikey Unlikely: Dan Ryan and Lindsay Troy!
His partner now looks confused.
Kendrix: What? Why? We already beat them Bruv! Fair and Square, you were there!
Both Men Together: That Rhymed
Mikey continues walking on in the neighborhood, JFK is right beside him. They look both ways before crossing a street like responsible Bruvs.
Mikey Unlikely: OBVS! We TOTALLY beat them…that’s why we have the belts! I’ve always said that.
Kendrix: Yeah, but i said it first!
Nodding along Mikey doesn’t miss a beat.
Mikey Unlikely: I hope we get to beat them two on two, I don’t want to hear any excuses about numbers, or about how they were HANDED these titles and we WON them like men!
Kendrix: Yeah, like Manly Men!
Mikey Unlikely: I just hate it when people say we take the easy way out Bruv! I don’t think they realize just how hard it is to sneak a roll of quarters into your trunks, pull them out at JUST the right time, and then hide it again all without the referee seeing, IT’S NOT EASY JESSE! You know what else isn’t easy? Not hedging our bets….
Kendrix scoffs at the meer notion.
Mikey Unlikely: We’ve never bet against ourselves, we’ve never played it safe, and we’ve never done anything but gone all in! And every single time we come out looking like Gold! Remember back in Dynasty? Hell. They took a gamble on us! A couple of starry eyed young wrestlers looking for a break! JACKPOT!
Jesse rubs his hands together, reminiscing over his breakthrough year in our sport.
Kendrix: The lads sure did take a gamble but we proved ourselves to be the Aces in the pack they were looking for to dominate the business. We learned early days about what it feels like to have a target on your back. What it feels like to have every other wrestler in the locker room think you don’t deserve that spot and turn their back on you. That kind of situation either makes or breaks you early in your career.
Mikey intentionally walks on a lawn with a “stay off the grass” sign.
Mikey Unlikely: I think we MORE than proved we were worth the gamble in the process! I mean just look at March To Glory, we had a 1 in 5 odds of walking out with these championships and here we are! We did what we had to do to ensure we walked out with our prizes.
Kendrix: Lee Best stacked those ridiculous odds against 24K. But we’ve been in this game long enough and learned from the very best that you make your own luck in this game. That’s why we took out HATE before the gauntlet, to shorten the odds so that 24K walked out with our titles! Lee’s doing exactly the same thing to make our lives more difficult then they have to be on April 18th. But you’re right Bruv. It is what it is. We just do what we do, week in and week out and that’s find a way to put the odds back in our favour.
Unlikely holds out his hands and shrugs.
Mikey Unlikely: I’m not even a gambling man Bruv, I like to keep my money!
Kendrix: You know who likes to gamble? Poor people and men with tiny dicks who need a whole month of forced appreciation from their peers.
They both shutter.
Mikey Unlikely: To think… there’s someone out there FAKING being appreciated, egregious!
Kendrix: I mean, this is why we are being screwed around in HOW, isn’t it, Bruv? Lee’s boys got the hump because 24K not only stole the limelight on the 400th episode of the greatest TV show on earth, but we forced the two dominant stables in this place to lose their shit and panic their arses off so bad that they created the most unstable incohesive stable GOD has ever laid his eyes upon.
Face palm from the Brit.
Kendrix: It’s been 2 months with no direct repercussions from us shaking things up in HOW. So, instead of confronting 24K like men and one stuck up bitch, Lee Best has to keep his The Group of Death sweet with these fucking passive aggressive annoying stipulation matches!
Mikey Unlikely: I admit, I would be afraid of us too… But I wouldn’t be passive aggro about it!
Jesse shakes his head and holds his palm out flat in front of him to keep his cool.
Kendrix: OK, look, here it goes. In order to stop this bullshit, I’m going to just go ahead and say it, OK?
Clears his throat and rubs his hands together, psyching himself up for something huge.
Kendrix: Here goes…Mike Best…The Hollywood Bruvs…appreciate you!
Jesse doubles over, panting exasperated with his apparent admission.
Mikey Unlikely: Bruv, are you ok? You look really rough.
His tag partner gestures for a moment and, rather over exaggeratedly, coughs his lungs out. Mikey helps him back up to a standing position.
Kendrix: Sorry Bruv, that was really difficult to say. I just hope that due to the horrific sacrifice I just made we don’t have to appreciate Mike Best for the rest of the month. Because I just can’t do it. I just want a normal tag team match against named opponents.
Mikey Unlikely: I do appreciate his ability to create shitty factions though. He’s got that down pat. Adding people to the group right after we show up… that’s a panic move. We’re not like that, we didn’t add members when they did, we thought things through, came up with a plan and stuck with it. You don’t proclaim war with HOW’s biggest factions without thinking about what moves the enemy might make…
Jesse affords himself a wry smile.
Kendrix: The idiots thought that the Hollywood Bruvs would get involved with Farthington and High Flyer by themselves without expecting their boys to back them up? That would have been a rookie mistake to attack with those odds. That’s why we thought ahead and attacked with our second wave to put the odds in our favour. And it’s going to be that one step ahead way of thinking that sees us successfully defend and finally bring some much needed respect to our division and our belts at Lethal Lottery.
Mikey Unlikely: High Octane Wrestling for too long has belittled the Tag Team Division. The Bruvs arrived in HOW to save Tag Team Wrestling. Unfortunately, Lee Best seems intent on turning the division into a circus. First the 5 way fight for the belts at March for Glory and now The Bruvs have to heroically defend their titles against anyone lucky enough to draw them in the lottery. Once again, the belts will have to be disrespected and disgraced by undeserving opponents. Once again the Hollywood Bruvs will walk out at the end of the night The Tag Team Champions.
Both Men Together: OBVS!
The pair do a gluefist as we fade out. Both men had a terrible time pulling their arm back in.