BRUVDUCATION

The loud sound of a school bell ringing is heard as we open to the outside of a local Chicago education center. The sign in front of the building is surrounded by brick and reads:

“Ernest Dickens High School
Education for All!”  

The sun sits high above the academy, casting a long black shadow onto the tightly trimmed yard. It’s clear that it’s morning time as kids run from their parents cars into the building, in fear of the looming threat of being late to class and the possibility of being given detention.

Cut to inside a classroom where we see an older woman behind a desk reading a fiction novel. The children all talk and horseplay amongst themselves. Finally the teacher looks up at the clock and it’s 8am on the nose. Placing a bookmark on her page, she closes the story and places it on the edge of her desk. She stands up and moves to the center of the room where there is a large easel pad.

Teacher: Ok Children, as many of you know every wednesday we’re exploring a new profession, bringing in some special guests to teach you about their industry! Now so far we’ve had firemen, military, cooks, mechanics, and even an astronaut!

The kids murmur to themselves. Talking about how cool the Astronaut was.

Teacher: Today we continue the career series with some rather outside the box guests. We were able to contract with two local athletes to give you a different look at what it’s like to be a Professional Wrestler!

An “ooooooo” comes from the tiny people.

Teacher: In fact they are coming from…

She holds up an index card where she has notes.

Teacher: Local Chicago Wrestling Promotion…High Octane Wrestling! They are the current Tag Team Champions, and quite possibly the best tag team of all time. Hmmmm I wonder who wrote this?

She looks over to the door where it’s slightly cracked and there’s a pair of heads, one on top of the other, listening to their introduction. When they realize they’re caught they duck out quickly.

Teacher: Class, please welcome Mr. Kendrix and Mr……Unlikely is it?

The Hollywood Bruvs burst through the door at the mention of their names. Kendrix comes in energetic to excite the children but Mikey looks a little miffed.

Mikey Unlikely: IS IT UNLIKELY!? You MEAN IT IS! MIKEY UNLIKELY! The World’s Greatest Sports Entertainer…

Jesse taps his index finger upon the teacher’s shoulder to emphasize the next very important omission from Mikey’s introduction…or lack of in this instance.

Kendrix: ….IN THE WORLD!

The teacher places her hand to her chest. She looks down at the Championship titles each wears. Mikey mistakes it for her looking at something else and winks at her in return.

Teacher: Excuse my misstep, class this is MR UNLIKELY!

Satisfied, Jesse continues with doing his little entrance dance.

Mikey Unlikely: I mean you’re no Darren Quimbey or Bryan McVay but I guess that will do..

They move to the center of the room. Mikey rips the blank page off the front of the easel and places it on the ground. The newly revealed sheet says “How to be a Hollywood Bruv 101”

Kendrix: Welcome little baby lads and ladies. We’re so glad to be here today to provide you with some much needed Bruv-ducation to teach you all how to be a Hollywood Bruv!

The teacher walks over and holds up one finger.

Teacher: What you mean is how to be a professional wrestler right!?

Both the Bruvs raise an eyebrow at her.

Mikey Unlikely: First of all…We’re not “wrestlers”

Jesse scrunches up his nose at the very thought of such a title.

Kendrix: Pffffttt I’ve always said that!

Mikey Unlikely: Yea but I said it first!…we’re sports entertainers, lady! We’re not here to teach you guys how to be violent offenders, nor teach you how to be technically sound, no! We’re here to teach you how to ENTERTAIN! How to be the funniest, coolest, and richest Bruvs and Bruvettes you can possibly be!

The kids look amongst themselves in the classroom with hope and sheer wonderment in their tiny eyes. The awed murmurings amongst them pick up. Jesse loves the impression the Bruvs have already made on the kids, that sense of noble reward, a feeling he has never ever experienced in his life, brings a smile to his face. However, he quickly realises that Mikey is not one to enjoy being cut off, especially by children.

Kendrix: LISTEN YEAH?!

Not waiting for the usual boos that meet his comment, Kendrix immediately follows up his attentive catchphrase slams his fist on the teacher’s desk, alerting the kids into stunned silence that only a manly man such as JFK could achieve.

Kendrix: Now lesson number one. NEVER…interrupt The Hollywood Bruvs just before a Gluefist.

THERE IT IS, GLUEFIST!

Kendrix: In fact, and I can’t stress this enough kids…NEVER interrupt the Hollywood Bruvs period, innit?!

Mikey imitates pen to paper upon the palm of his hand.

Mikey Unlikely: Don’t just sit there, write it down, write it down! Every week the crowd at the All State interrupts us CONSTANTLY. It’s awful, so ungrateful.

The kids hurriedly write down their notes. The group of highly impressionable youngsters seem eager for the next words of what can only be described in a short way as wisdom.

Teacher: Oh my how rude. And why do they interrupt y..

Jesse interrupts the teacher with a wag of his finger. He throws the paper over to reveal the next page on the stand as Mikey taps one of the kids rulers against the page which clearly states in Hollywood Bruv logo graphics.

Slide #1 NEVER INTERRUPT THE HOLLYWOOD BRUVS, INNIT?!

Kendrix: So, what have we learned so far, kids?

Kids: NEVER INTERRUPT THE HOLLYWOOD BRUVS!

Mikey snaps.

Mikey Unlikely: YOU DID IT AGAIN! That was a test! Don’t interrupt us!

Kendrix: That’s right, I hadn’t finished my sentence yet. If you all had let me finish I was going to say, So, what have we learned so far, kids…oh wait, actually don’t answer, you’re not getting paid to talk, we are.

Mikey mimics writing on his palm once again encouraging the kids to shut up and take notes.

Kendrix: OK, next slide please, Bruv.

The Hollywood C Lister looks confused at Jesse and whispers in his ear.

Mikey Unlikely: Er Bruv, these aren’t slides, remember?.We can’t use Microsoft products because of their lawsuit against us for the thing that we did. That’s why we’re using this shit instead.

Jesse’s eyes widen, a moment of shame etched across his face as he recalls…the thing that he did…however, it was only for a moment because Jesse doesn’t like the feeling of shame.

Kendrix: Of course, how silly of me. I can’t believe the court made us do this because of that. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah…FLIP IT!

Mikey excitedly pulls the sheet off the front of the pad and reveals the next page.

Slide #2 WHAT THE HELL IS A HOLLYWOOD BRUV!? 

Mikey Unlikely: Excellent question easel pad! Quite the popular question since we joined High Octane Wrestling! I remember the first time I asked YOU this question Jesse!

Jesse nods along in agreement.

Kendrix: Oh boy. If I had a British 50 pound note for every time I heard this humdinger of a question…I’d be as rich as I am now.

Mikey Unlikely: You would! You really, really would! Let us break it down for you children. The reason we are the first and ONLY Hollywood Bruvs to have ever existed is simple. We started the trend! We’re the Hollywood Bruvs because…

JFK smiles wide.

Kendrix: Because Mikey is SOOOOOOOOO HOLLYWOOD!

He points back to his tag team partner.

Mikey Unlikely: Because JFK IS SOOOOOOO BRUV!

The Bruvs pose their manly man pose as they are greeted by cheers and applause from the kids. The Teacher seems very hot and bothered by this as well as she removes a handkerchief from her blouse and fans herself such is the energy and heat pulsing through her veins due to the act of masculinity before her. Mikey notices this and is immediately disgusted.

Mikey Unlikely: Stop, stop stop. That’s enough. Teacher lady what’s your name.

Teacher: Miss Best

Mikey Unlikely: Of course, it’s miss. Wait… what did you just say?

The Bruvs do a double take… How many “Bests” are in this fucking city.

Mikey Unlikely: The Hollywood Bruvs are trying to educate your children right now with very important life lessons, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Miss Best nods her head in agreement.

Mikey Unlikely: So the last thing we need is someone your age and size getting all hot and bothered at the sight of the Greatest Tag Team on planet Earth. Not only is it completely unprofessional but it’s put the Bruvs off from continuing to Bruv-ducate. For Shame.

Miss Best lowers her head, completely ashamed of herself. Why couldn’t she just control herself for one day, dammit?! Jesse however, doesn’t seem bothered by Miss Best’s behaviour.

Kendrix: I don’t know Mikey, I mean you can’t blame the poor woman can you? Plus these kids didn’t interrupt us for like, five minutes now, I think they’re finally learning something useful in their poor pathetic lives.

Mikey looks over at the kids, all on the edge of their seats, salivating at the thought of more Bruv-ducation. However, the Unlikely one gestures for a moment from the class and Miss Best as he once more has a quiet word out of earshot with his Tag Partner.

Mikey Unlikely: Jesse, dammit…we could be doing MUCH better things with our time right now. You know, Frappes, Strippees.

Jesse’s eyes light up.

Mikey Unlikely: And even though we have to do this community service…we don’t have to do it if we are treated like sex objects…if we feel abused. Am I right?!

Kendrix: Gotcha!

Satisfied Jesse is on board, Mikey grabs the easel pad as Jesse holds the door open for him to leave. The kids begin to remonstrate with a concoction of wining and fake crying. Jesse simply shakes his head at them and points in the direction of their teacher.

Kendrix: Kids, The Hollywood Bruvs had so much more to teach you. However, because your teacher couldn’t keep it together at the sight of two manly men like us, she has effectively robbed you all of becoming Hollywood Bruvs, just like me and Mikey. If I were you I’d never come to school again.

The kids look at each other and then back at Kendrix as if he were some sort of God giving them the greatest idea of all time.

Kendrix: Class dismissed!

Jesse exits the class as the kids get up from their stools and rush out the door to the dismay of poor Miss Best.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Kostoff, despite weeks and weeks of adverts for No Remorse. Week after week of being fed to the very worst that High Octane Wrestling has to offer…you somehow manage to disappoint every single fan out there, every single week.

What you are good at, what you’ve always been good at, is being one scary motherfucker. Despite all the losses, and there have been many, week after week you pulverise, you destroy, you hurt…every single man and woman put in your way. You’re a horrible horrible, monster.

That is, of course, apart from last week. Not only did you lose your match to Loveless…he got away scott free. Which then only serves to beg the question, what is the actual point of you and why have you been afforded the spotlight? Why,  for the love of god, have YOU…been the face that this company has relentlessly promoted No Remorse with?

Lee Best.

After all this time you finally used your head as well as your physical prowess like a well oiled machine..even if it was just for that one fleeting moment. You attacked the boss, God himself, to make yourself relevant in High Octane Wrestling after so very very long. What was it that finally got you to grow a pair and actually make the headlines? Maybe it’s the fact that the boss made the wrong decision by not putting The Hollywood Bruvs into the War Games main event? That would have sent anyone over the edge, a travesty of a decision which all but secured his team’s downfall.

Or maybe it was the fact that every man and his dog was actively competing during War Games…except for you?

You, a man who’s been here it seems since the dawn of bloody time. A man who in recent years has been happy to play the big strong smashy smash guy who loses every week because he’s fucking stupid and just collects his pay check because he knows that his best days are well behind him and that he’s nothing more than a circus attraction.

You’ve been doing the absolute minimum for so very long and yet here we are…No Remorse is all about Kostoff and the boss…when quite simply it should be all about the Hollywood Bruvs.

You know, we’re the guys who have actually made headlines the day we stepped foot into this company when we took out the very BEST HOW had to offer. You know, the two men who revolutionised the Tag Team division in High Octane Wrestling.

Where on earth are our posters? We’re the Hollywood Bruvs! Mikey Unlikely is a Hollywood Superstar, Jesse Fredericks Kendrix is a multiple World and Tag Team Champion throughout the business. The Bruvs are 24 karat gold. We’re the ones this company should be pumping their money into to promote No Remorse.

Our reward for revolutionising the Tag Team Division…is to defend our Tag Team titles at No Remorse against the eGG Bandits…an undeserving team who we already beat at War Games, who quite frankly, aren’t fit enough to lace our boots.

But worse of all, at Refuelled 35, in Chicago, we have to defend our babies against Kostoff and Gilda Starr.

What the actual fuck?! I mean I thought the eGG Bandits didn’t deserve a shot at our bad boys…

But before we kick the eGG Bandits’ arses at No Remorse we actually have to put our Tag Team titles on the line against a man on the biggest losing streak we’ve ever seen…

And a woman who’s greatest contribution to this company so far was to act like some shy freak bitch with obvious daddy issues by wearing a different dress from the one that Daddy Starr picked out for her. How fucking rebellious.

That’s what constitutes meritocracy in this company?! That’s what gets you a shot at the HOW Tag Team Titles? That’s what gives you the honour in this company to come face to face with the greatest Tag Team on the face of this Earth?

Jesus fucking Christ. Don’t be so fucking stupid! Of course you don’t deserve this. THIS is nothing more than our punishment for losing our match two weeks ago to another undeserving angry man and freak combination. We learned our lesson Kostoff. When you lose you fall… unless of course… it’s you!

Thank you Lee Best. This is exactly what we deserve. Do you know how humiliating it is to wake up next to your Tag Team titles the morning after a defeat, Chris? Scrap that, of course you don’t. You probably can’t even remember what you had for breakfast this morning let alone the last time you held a title in this business.

Let me tell you, The Hollywood Bruvs felt absolutely worthless. But a day later, we started to feel a little better. A frappe here, a strippee there. Then we remembered we have to face you and Gilda and that feeling of humiliation just came right on back ten fold. Oh the fucking shame and pain of it all. This is the lowest of the low and what better motivation for the Hollywood Bruvs to get right back on track, to get rid of our pain and prove to the World once again that we are the Greatest Tag Team in the World. Hell we’ve done more for this company in half a year than you’ve achieved in your entire career!

Forget No Remorse. Forget the bloody battle you have coming up in a few weeks time. Don’t worry about Lee Best. Kostoff, by the time we get done with you at Refueled… you’re going to feel our pain.