The scene opens inside a huge garage filled with so many douchebag cars and motorbikes, you wouldn’t believe it but when you read who appears, suddenly all makes sense.
Kendrix: Listen, yeah?! I don’t think this is actually going to work, Mikey…I mean are you sure peanut butter and jelly go together? It sounds kind of gross and impossible.
The Bruv from the side of Hollywood, hair unkempt and wearing a long white lab jacket looking like some mad scientist type for some reason doesn’t answer as he’s busy fine tuning the inside of his car. Not taken aback by the lack of response, Jesse, wearing a simple T-shirt with his name spelled correctly underneath a rather dashing 80s style red gilet and jeans combo, eyes his sandwich sceptically and shakes his head in disgust.
Kendrix: Nah, bruv…I’m not having it. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches just do not go together. This is literally impossible.
At that, Jesse nonchalantly throws his sandwich over his shoulder and rather impressively into the bin behind him.
Mikey Unlikely: I’m so glad they let me keep this thing after filming. What a great fucking car! Who else has one of these things? Just Marty and Mikey McFly!
Jesse rubs his hands together in over excited anticipation.
Kendrix: I can’t wait, time travel! Finally something in your garage that is totally obvs possible…not like that stupid sandwhich idea.
JFK’s excitement has wavered somewhat, probably the memory of the sandwich but it’s only for a moment. Meanwhile, inside the Delorean, Mikey is messing with the dashboard. The signature feature on the model, the gull wing doors sit high above the car as Unlikely hangs halfway out. From inside he yells back out to his tag team partner.
Mikey Unlikely: Do you have the Nuclear Fusion Reactor we talked about?
JFK looks down at the PB&J one more time. He considers handing it to Mikey just to get rid of it, then picks up the box at his feet instead.
Kendrix: Right here, mate.
Mikey Unlikely: The gigawat power pack?
Mikey Unlikely: 1.21 gigawatts?
Kendrix: Nah, they were all out of those power packs so I got us 2.21 instead. That’ll do right?
The American Bruv goes wide eyed at the thought.
Mikey Unlikely: I’m not sure how that’s going to affect this…. I didn’t design this thing, I just time traveled in it. I guess I’d rather have too much than not enough though!
Kendrix: I’ve always said that!
Mikey Unlikely: Yeah but I said it first.
Kendrix: Dammit! OK so can we time travel already? I’m hungry and want to go back to the past when I am not hungry.
Mikey flicks a few switches, however Drake instantly hits the car stereo.
Started from the bottom now we’re here fills the garage walls.
Mikey Unlikely: I didn’t know that button did that…BONUS!
As Mikey takes his position in the driver’s seat, Jesse peers through the passenger side of the car.
Kendrix: Wow, this bad boys got a lot of gizmos huh? So many buttons.
Mikey Unlikely: Yep, 6 in total. Luckily it’s an automatic so you have stop, go, indicators, Drake music, frappe dispenser and time travel buttons.
An impressed whistle leaves the lips of the Bruv from the side of Bruv.
Kendrix: She’s beautiful, Mikey. But like most women she seems overly complicated for no apparent reason. I mean, 6 buttons. I don’t know.
Mikey Unlikely: Just get in will you, Bruv. Let’s see if this works!
The door lowers itself into place as Kendrix enters excitedly as Mikey grasps both hands upon the wheel, closing his eyes, almost in prayer.
Mikey Unlikely: OK, please work, please work.
Eyes open in a flash, Mikey puts his foot to the pedal, hard…however, the Bruvs go nowhere.
Mikey Unlikely: SHIT! IT DIDN’T WORK!
Kendrix taps Unlikely on the shoulder.
Kendrix: Hand Brakes on, Bruv. Plus it’s not going to work straight away, the manual says we have to be doing a speed of 88 miles per hour.
Mikey Unlikely: Bruv, that’s not a manual, it’s a script…plus that’s if we are using the 1.21 gigawatts pack. We’ve got the 2.21 pack so it should work quicker. It’s math.
JFK sticks his lower lip out and nods his head impressed by Mikey’s math.
Kendrix: OK, this time hand break off. LET’S DO THIS!
As if in slow motion the handbrake drops, the pedal hits the floor and an enormous beam of light fills the screen. Blinding everyone.
WE INTERRUPT THIS TIME TRAVELLING SEQUENCE TO BRING YOU THIS MESSAGE…FYI THAT WAS THE MESSAGE.
The Blinding light hits once again bringing our heroes back where they left you gushing for more.
Kendrix: Great Scooot Stevens. What a ride!
While one of our handsome heroes takes a huge bite out of his McPizza the other takes a step outside the car and into the street where he grabs a passerby by the scruff of the neck.
Mikey Unlikely: WHAT’S THE DATE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT DATE IS IT?!
The young paperboy can’t speak due to the near suffocation he’s feeling under Mikey’s grasp, so he hands one of his local newspapers to his accidental suffocator, who pulls a magnifying glass out of his lab coat to read the date.
Kendrix: Bruv, If you refuse to wear your reading glasses you should wear contacts.
Ignoring his friend’s good advice, Mikey un-hands the paperboy and walks away focused intently on the date on the paper. Kendrix tries to offer a slice of the McPizza for the paperboys trouble but he wisely does not accept due to what will undoubtedly come out of his ass later in the day.
Mikey Unlikely: I don’t believe it, bruv.
Pearing his attention away from the paper, Mikey looks at his tag partner in disbelief.
Kendrix: Bruv, why are you always so serious. We just time travelled the fuck out of time travel. We went back to the 90s to beat up all your old bullies in high school, speed up the OJ trial with our youtube video of the result and were first in line for the first Frappuccino in 1992.
Mikey can’t help but smile and reminisce despite his current urgency.
Mikey Unlikely: God bless George Howell.
Kendrix: Then we went back to the time I saw my first strippee at the age of 10. So many monumental moments in history…oh and of course the scouting mission in the 60s to see Sex and Money perform for the first time. My god they sucked even back then!
Finally, with that terrible terrible boring memory, Mikey’s happy place is ruined forever and stabs the date on the paper with his index finger.
Mikey Unlikely: LOOK AT THE DATE!
Swallowing hard on his latest McPizza bite, Jesse finally looks at the date.
Kendrix: Bruv, it’s 2021…we’re back where we left off.
Mikey Unlikely: Not the year…THE DAY!
Jesse takes another look…THERE IT IS…it hits him, his eyes almost pop out of his head.
Mikey Unlikely: We time travelled and did all those great things apart from the 60s part in 3 days but we’ve been gone for three weeks!
Kendrix: Huh…kind of like watching a Hollywood Boys match on Refueled innit, bruv? What’s supposed to last 5 minutes feels like 3 weeks.
BRUV WINK followed by the now patented GLUEFIST!
Kendrix: Holy shit…maybe Chastity has had our baby by now? She better not be mad I wasn’t there….she understands how time travel works, right Mikey?
Mikey Unlikely: Sure, she’s the smartest strippee I know…but I’m pretty sure you’re going to be in the dog house for a while, bruv.
With that, Mikey pats his tag partner on the back and realises the time travel flames from the car are beginning to burn down his house, leaving Jesse to think about all the trouble he is going to be in with his strippee partner.
Kendrix: Fuck…if only I could travel back in time somehow and fix this? WOE IS ME!
I couldn’t believe my ears. I’ve been kicked out of bars, banned from strippee clubs, but never fired from a wrestling company. Sure JFK has left before, but it’s always been my choice.
Not this time…
I fucked up. Even worse. I fucked it up for Mikey too. We were fired in the best way possible…gross misconduct, Live on Pay Per View! The drama, the shame of it all right in front of the watching world. Absolutely disgustingly fucking glorious! Even in our lowest moment we still get the world talking about the Hollywood Bruvs.
At least we never flaked on anything. At least we made every single shot. I may have been hammered but we were at every show.
I couldn’t keep off the bottle. I brought it all on myself and I brought Mikey down with me. While I sit before you today fitter, leaner and cleaner than I’ve felt in years…the battle inside my head rages on every single day. Once an addict, always an addict.
There it is. The urge.
But I had my Bruv by my side the entire time. He could have stayed and gone it alone but just like me, Mikey believes in the Hollywood Bruvs and he knows I would have done exactly the same for him. We’ve done it all together. Hell we’ve climbed just about every mountain there is to climb in this business.
What got me through it was the reminders of why we were brought in to HOW. To build up the tag division, and what a division it was. I wasn’t too keen on our top competitors being the very guyswe came in with, but what are you going to do?
Letting us go was a big mistake, for HOW and for The Bruvs…
Since we left, the Tag Team division in HOW barely exists. The Bruvs come back…oh look, the division is hotting up again. Imagine that! The pattern is clear for all to see. Darin, Brian…you guys have all the experience and talent in the world…but you simply can’t do that. You never have and you never will.
You’ve been around for what, over 10 years? We’ve been in this game for barely 5 and we are without a shadow of a doubt the single greatest Tag Team of all time. Tag team champions everywhere we’ve been…including HOW. We know you guys were champions before, multiple times. There’s no taking that away from you. Fortunately for the Bruvs, we’re in our prime right now! As they say, this gon be our year.
Unlike the two of you, we clicked straight away on every front that mattered. Fuck your trial and error, spend money to make money bullshit. We wanted the top spot and the money straight away and we took it.
That’s why HOW’s Tag Team division struggles with you in it full time and flourishes with us in it part time. We come in to show the rest of you all how it’s done, then we take our money and go and be the best tag team in the world elsewhere while you wait for hand me downs and scraps from Mike Best and Co. Second hand bitches.
You can work hard all you want, that’s 1960s talk. It’s 2021, working hard went out of fashion years ago in this game. It’s all about working smart. Unfortunately, there is no smart thing to do with you guys, that’s why Lee tries you out as a tag team and as singles competitors, forever changing in the faintest of hopes that you will finally draw money. You’re plug and play boys, we’re main event men. Sometimes that’s just how it goes.
But that’s your problem isn’t it Sex and Money? Hollywood Boys? You just don’t know what you want. You blame Lee, you blame the Bruvs…but ultimately the reason we are a MUCH bigger deal than you is because you blame everyone else instead of taking the bull by the horns and focusing on yourselves.
What is it? What’s your name going to be tomorrow? One day you’re friends, enemies, a tag team, singles competitors? We all know you want singles titles and the only reason you’re interested in tag team wrestling right now is because of the Bruvs and because Lee told you to do it. You’re veterans who have won titles year after year but you’re lost, you don’t believe in each other and you don’t believe in yourselves. This is your dream match? You’re damn right it is. But we’re supposed to be the ones looking up to you as trail blazers who set the path before us not the other way around.
That’s why the boss asks us to come in. HOW doesn’t need you to keep the lights on, sex boys…The Hollywood Bruvs are the lights. We’re the glitz, the glamour, the fun…we are the draw of the Tag Team division in this industry. You should be thanking us. Lee Best finally has something for you guys to do! Try and make a name for yourselves off of our spotlight. I don’t blame you personally, it’s a pretty big spotlight.
But here you are getting way ahead of yourselves and talking about the Tag Team Champions when your focus should be solely on us. What an opportunity you have in your hands right now, but your lack of preparation is astounding.
You think me and Mikey haven’t tried to kill each other in the past like you two have? Do your homework. Unlike your forever tiffs we came out of ours a stronger unit. For some reason you think you’re coming up against Mikey and Hendrix. I’m doing you senile fools a favour right now, let me spell it out for you…You’re facing Mikey Unlikely and JF Fucking Kendrix, the Hollywood Bruvs.
The long and short of it is that you’re going to both be singles competitors again, forever in an on again off again lovers tiff which quite frankly, people are now sick of, lads. We’ll give you a head start and something else to fight about.
You’re going to punch us in the face, kick us in our ribs and wrestle the wrestle moves during a wrestling match in High Octane Wrestling. Water is wet, sky is blue. Of course you’re going to do those things to us, we know what’s coming, not because we’ve worked in HOW, not because we’ve worked in UTAH or DEFIANCE but because it’s our fucking jobs! That’s what we do. Thank you for letting us know you’re going to do your job. You fucks.
It’s like outfield players in a soccer match telling the goalkeeper we are going to attempt to put the ball past you in between the goal. Wrestling hurts. You think we got to the top by cracking jokes during matches? We know we’re hilarious, we know we’re entertaining as fuck. You don’t need to tell us that, the awards do. You guys are going to hurt us, we are going to leave that ring knowing full well that the Hollywood Bruvs have been in a fight to keep our rightful spot as number one contenders for the HOW Tag Team Titles.
However, what’s not your job, lads, is to bore the pants off everyone while you do it.
That’s where you guys suck and that’s why we were begged to come back and will be asked to do so again and again and again until another team grabs this division by the balls during our absences. We’re not afraid to grab you by your Hollywood Balls. Will it be you guys? Think long and hard on what you actually want your legacy to be before you retire. In the meantime, come Refueled, The Hollywood Bruvs are going to turn your dream match into a fucking nightmare,