Boy Oh Boy You Missed Again, Asshole

Boy Oh Boy You Missed Again, Asshole

Posted on July 21, 2023 at 8:33 pm by Darin Zion

After facing Mike Best, something is different about REAL LOVE Darin Zion.   Instead of the chipper, a positive-minded man stood a completely jaded, angry one.  Zion didn’t wear his usual over the top suits or crack that annoying naive smile.  This Zion had a scowl permanently placed on his face.


REAL LOVE was on assignment this week at SDCC—signing autographs and kissing babies—the whole lot of his Schtick.  After thousands of people pass Zion at the Headlocked Comics booth asking for autographs and pictures; Darin Zion ducks into a corner where D-List celebrities go to get some alone time and eat.  As he’s chowing down on his Ham Sandwich, his manager Vickie Hall approaches him.

She pulls up an iPad, cutting straight to the point, killing all pleasantries.  “Should I clear some time for training, Darin?  I can book you a session at Gold’s…”

“NO!  Why would I fuckin’ even waste an iota of time training for Brian Hollywood?!” Zion responds back as Vickie types away with fervor behind her keystrokes on her PRETTY PINK iPad.  Zion waves Vickie away with the flick of his wrist.  He simply shakes his head at how much Brian Hollywood has fallen.

“Tell me honestly, Vickie—would Jonathan Christopher-Hall even waste any time if Lee booked him against Brian Hollywood at PWA-03?” Zion retorts back to his helper, continuing to lecture her.  “Jonathan, the future PRIME Universal Champion—something Lee Best’s grandson will NEVER accomplish.  Tell me honest to God if JCH would even give Brian Hollywood a fucking chance to wrestle him at any show.”

Vickie’s face remains unflattering, unbothered by Zion’s questioning.  “I’m sorry I asked.  Truthfully, Jonathan trains for all opponents, but even my boo wouldn’t even touch Brian Hollywood with a 10 foot pole.  No one knows what diseases Mr. Hollywood has right now.  It’s obviously one of those hookers he’s slept with gave him brain worms.”

Darin Zion nods emphatically while pointing his finger straight at his schedule.  “Right now, I’d rather spend all my time on the beaches partying with whoever I can than entertain this worthless fight with Brian Hollywood.  Seriously, last week I stepped into the ring with one of the GODS and survived 3 rounds.  I have no right to have any confidence after what Mike did to me. But even Kneesus Christ made a bold fuckin’ point last week.  I’m better for losing 3 rounds with Mike Best than wrestling Brian Hollywood.”

Vickie Hall rolls her eyes, knowing Zion’s different Mike knocked him the fuck out last week.  Darin continues his tirade onward while Vickie rests her hand against her forehead.  “Seriously, I could have posted one of Mike’s this promo doesn’t matter bullshit against Hollywood, done only 300 words while enjoying the parties of my life rather than entertain Brian Hollywood’s laziness.”

Vickie hits a couple clicks before cracking a smile at REAL LOVE.  “Already handled, Zi-Guy.  I’ve got you and JCH rubbing elbows at the Friday Night Yacht Party.  If you want, I could pull a couple strings.”

Zion cracks a giant sinister smile on his face while asking his question.  “Hoard the exclusive SDCC Pop Funkos like you and JCH hoard all the world’s Frutopia drinks?”  Vickie simply nods once at her client.

“Naw!  Honestly that’s a fuckin’ NERD move.  I’d rather rub elbows Karan Ashley and the rest of the Power Rangers than hold fuckin’ toys.  Maybe give that shit to Tristian or Jonathan so they can goad all the attention from the rest of those PRIME bitches.   I’m sure it’ll make the Bests chuckle watching those fedora wearing numb nuts pout all day about their favorite basement dweller towers getting bought up>”

Zion takes a sip on his drink before getting back to the grind of the day; earning his wages for HOW—like a fuckin’ wrestler should do.


“Seriously, I am gonna rip something from Mike Best’s playbook this week.  This post won’t be necessary.

I can already play Brian Hollywood’s promo for you before 11:59 occurs.  BOO HOO HOO!   Woah is me!  Lee Best once again left off the former HOW World Champion Brian Hollywood of the #97RED card. Seriously, it’s the same fucking disappointment tirade we get from Brian Hollywood on the GO HOME show every fuckin’ time.

Maybe Brian Hollywood pouts too much to show Lee Best who fuckin’ wears the pants in “their relationship.”   Maybe Brian Hollywood falls asleep at the fuckin’ wheel and misses his 11:59 scheduled PMS session.  Hollywood surely failed to appear for bookings in the past.  Maybe Hollywood’s allergic to PPV appearances like Aceldama.  Maybe it causes their anal glands to bleed and hurts their feeling holes too much.

Seriously, I could go into a drunken stupor, write a promo, and still win against you while I’m traveling to SDCC.  I can do this in a blindfold and half-asleep because you’re going to post the same fuckin’ piece of work you always do against me:

  • Darin Zion overthinks things too much
  • Darin Zion never won the HOW World Title like me
  • Darin Zion is stupid and charges head first into things
  • Darin Zion needs to shut the fuck up
  • I’ve beaten Darin Zion 900 Million times in HOW during era 2 I don’t need to fucking try at all.
  • I’m not the same Brian Hollywood
  • I need to change
  • Something something failed Diet McGuyver Shit
  • Sad Batman Inbreddy Palmer fuckery about your family
  • BANG BANG Cowboys and Cops robbers shit we did in 3rd grade

Getting the hint yet?  Are you putting the pieces of the puzzle together?  Is REAL LOVE finally delivering the TOUGH LOVE you NEED TO HEAR, Besties?  Because you keep flogging the dead horse over and over and over again for the last 4 years, Brian.  At this point, everyone and their dog knows your family drama better than you and it baffles me that your fragile ego doesn’t want to hear the truth that every HOW superstar has told you.

No one wants to see your Walker Texas Dumbass shit here in HOW.  You need to fuckin’ evolved. 

Seriously, we don’t want this “BOY!  GEE GOLLY I TRIED, I NEED TO DO BETTER, BUT I RECOGNIZE I SUCK” bit.  Seriously, find some fuckin’ confidence.  Change your fuckin’ game up.

You had one assignment—accept my challenge. Most HOW wrestlers when challenged will scratch and claw their fuckin’ way to a PPV match.  They wouldn’t wait TWO FUCKING WEEKS to RSVP to the God Damn Invite.   They would immediately hit up Stabber and accept.  Hell, they would hire a damn publicist to post the news article before 24 hours passes them.  Hell, fuckin Kostoff Jr would beg Lee to hammer one out so he didn’t have to ruin his fingers on that God Damn Flip Phone of his.

It’s called Initiative and you lack it.

You didn’t come at me to knock my fuckin’ head off.  You didn’t kick down my door and piss on the luggage. You couldn’t even be bothered to punch me in the fuckin face and leave it bloody.

Nope, you just accepted and thought our past would carry our asses by recognition alone.  Seriously, did you think the Ghost of John Pariah runs fuckin’ HOW and will still hold your hand?  You think I’m gonna carry your ass to the promised land again.  Because  Lord knows Xander and I can do better together than you did.

Hell, you bet your sweet ass if I handed Scott Stevens a golden ticket like I handed you; we’d hobble our fuckin’ way to the finish line without trying.  But you…this is your best?!  This is all you wanted for the last 3 years and you just sat on your fuckin’ hands and didn’t even think to construct a story…

That shows that you’d rather be a failed screenwriter than a B+ wrestler.

I could have done the work.   Jatt Starr knows I clawed my way to a PPV by insulting his daughter.  Xander stole my ex-girlfriend and hobbled to the finish line with me.  Jace Parker Davidson and I clobbered the fuck out of each other verbally.  But I wanted to see your initiative.

However, you’d rather pretend to be Harrison Ford all day.  You’d rather fail to evolve.  You would rather continue to act like Adult Steve Stiffler, failing to grow up and linger in the fuckin’ past.

You know why I don’t talk about my 7 other HOW Championships constantly? You know why I don’t linger on what I used to have in PWX?  Because things change, people grow—people want more in life than the coast off their previous accomplishments.

Grow the fuck up, Hollywood.  Stop latching onto your High School Football Trophy, you 50 year old pervert. No one cares about that shit anymore.

It’s booking 101.  Learn it!  Study it!  Grow with it dumbass!!!!  Evolve yourself, speed your fuckin’ story up and learn how to fuckin’ pace yourself.  Change some shit up!

You got 1500+ words out of me while I’m on vacation.  You got more than you deserve right now asshole.  Fuckin’ show the world what your GOD DAMN made of right now.  Give this fuckin’ feud some fire, you rat bastard.

Shoot your fuckin’ shot you little bastard.  Entertain me.  Otherwise, you’re gonna ejaculate prematurely again and embarrass yourself like the virgin you’ve become.