Boethiah’s Calling; Send to Voice Mail

Boethiah’s Calling; Send to Voice Mail

Posted on October 17, 2020 at 6:14 pm by Jatt Starr

::::SCENE:  A popular luxury hotel with a five mile radius of the ferry to Alcatraz.  In the bedroom of the one the luxury suites, sitting on the bed with a purple wireless PS4 controller is Jatt Starr.  The only light is coming from the television.  Jatt Starr’s hair is disheveled, making him look like a blonde mental patient with a strange obsession with Steve Harrington’s hair.   There’s scruff on his face, he hasn’t shaved in over three days.   


On the television, Jatt Starr’s Altmer “El Jatterino” is leading Cosnach up the Shrine of Boethiah.   Cosnach becomes trapped in a forcefield at the shrine.:::


JATT STARR:  Cosnach.  We had a couple of good adventures.  Wiping out a camp of Forsworn at Bruca’s Leap Redoubt while retrieving a Statue of Dibella comes to mind.  However, you are a drunk and one day you will get yourself killed….much like Uthgerd the Unbroken and Roggi Knot-Beard.  At least this way, your death with provide your Thane of Starrkarth with a daedric reward.  So, with my Blade of Woe, I send you to—








::::The King of Grapple from the Big Apple pauses his game.::::


JATT STARR:  Go away!  I’m busy!


THE SWITCH (Voice):  What are you doing in there?   Are you playing Skyrim, again?


JATT STARR:  No!  I’m, um….I’m masterbating!


THE SWITCH (Voice):  I need your help with something.


::::The door swings open, the light from the hotel room shines into the room, hitting Jatt Starr in the face.  He hisses like a vampire seeing a cross.::::


JATT STARR:  Do you just walk in when people are whacking it?


::::The Switch looks at Jatt Starr, who is wearing a “M.A.S.K.” t-shirt and khakis and looks at the television.  As he suspected, the game is on and paused.::::


THE SWITCH:  Jatt, you said you’d stop.


JATT STARR:  I can stop whenever I want!   It’s just right now, I am in the middle of a veery emotional and poignant scene where El Jatterino is sacrificing one of his companions to the Daedric Prince, or is Princess?  No, Prince.   Boethiah.


THE SWITCH:  I need you leave this room.


JATT STARR:  Is it time for Rumble at the Rock?




JATT STARR:  Then I’m good.


THE SWITCH:  I need your help with something.  It’s delicate.


JATT STARR:  What can the Dragonborn do for you?


THE SWITCH:  Are you going to call yourself that all the time?


JATT STARR:  Depends on what you need.  I can be the Dragonborn.  The Starrbinger.  The Champion of Meridia and/or Molag Bal.  The Listener.


THE SWITCH:  Nevermind.  Look, I have a girl in my room and—


JATT STARR:  Stop.  Is this a situation where the girl is a sex prostitute or stripper and somehow, she ends up dead and you need my help in disposing of the body?  Because that’s a Max thing, not a “me” thing.


THE SWITCH:  No, no.


::::The Switch hesitates and puts his hands in pockets of his black and turquoise track suit, looking down, almost embarrassed.::::


THE SWITCH:  We’re going to have sex.


JATT  STARR:  OHHHH!  SICK!!!!  You want have sex with a dead body?  So, what, you think just because I have a level twenty-eight conjuration, I am going raise her from the dead for you?  Who am I, Arondil of Dawnstar???  Sorry pal, I don’t play the Conjuration game.  I’m no necromancer!  Destruction magic and Restoration only!


THE SWITCH:  She’s alive!  Geez! 




THE SWITCH:  I was wondering if you had some, you know, protection.


::::The Mayor of ManJattan stares at The Switch for a moment and then he suddenly nods as his eyes get wide.  He lets out a little chuckle.::::


JATT STARR:  Oh!  I get it!  She’s kinky, isn’t she?  She likes the rough stuff and since you know I have a sixty two in Smithing, you think I could fashion you some armor.  For this kind of thing, you don’t want to go with Orcish Armor….but man, those Orc chicks, I bet they’re into some pretty grisly—-


THE SWITCH:  That’s not what I meant!  I mean, you know….Nevermind, can you come out here and help me look for something?


::::Jatt Starr emits a frustrated groan as he rolls out of his bed and walks towards the light, flinging his PS4 controller behind him onto the bed.:::


JATT STARR:  What’s this young lass’s name?  Is she a strong Nord woman?  


::::The Switch leads Jatt Starr out into the hotel room and shuts the door behind him.  Standing in front of him are Sektor, Steve Solex, a bespectacled woman in her early thirties or so, Mario Maurako, and a man in a wheelchair.::::


JATT STARR:  What the hell is this?


::::The bespectacled woman begins to speak.  She has long golden blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail which is held by a red and black scrunchie.  Her face is pale, her complexion clear.  She has a rosy hue on her cheeks that George Costanza would find most appealing.  She wears granny glasses with a thick leopard print frame.  She smiles at Jatt Starr.  It’s warm and inviting….her teeth are white and straight, although she has one fang-like incisor on the right.  She’s clearly had some dental work done.  Possibly braces.  No one’s teeth are that white without some bleaching.::::


BESPECTACLED WOMAN:  Good afternoon—




BESPECTACLED WOMAN:  Yes.  Jatt, my name is Ingrid Julia Cloud.  Call me Julia.  Will you have a seat?


::::The Jatt-i Master narrows his bloodshot and dark circled eyes and stares suspiciously at the increasingly becoming unwelcome guests in his room as he takes a seat on the couch next to the window across from Julia who is sitting in an office chair.  She leans forward, holding her hands together, her elbows on her knees.:::


JULIA:  Now, before we begin, I want you to know that everyone in this room loves and respects you.


::::This initiates some protests by the people in the room.:::


SEKTOR:  Whoa!  Hold up!


SOLEX:  I hardly know the guy.


SEKTOR:  I don’t know about “love”….


MARIO:  Maybe in a brotherly sort of way.  But not in an incestuous brotherly way.   


OLD MAN:  Apple Sauce?


SEKTOR:  Maybe “like”?


SOLEX:  Tolerate?


::::Julia turns sternly to the dissenting men behind her, glaring at them all.  She knows with this many alpha personalities in the room, she needs to exude confidence.::::




SEKTOR:  Sorry.


MARIO:  I’m sorry.


SEKTOR:  We’re sorry.  


MARIO:  Go on.


::::Julia turns back to Jatt Starr, looking at him behind those librarian glasses with those big blue eyes of hers and smiles once again.::::


JULIA:  As I was saying, everyone in this room respects and loves you.  I need you to understand that this is a safe environment.   Anything that—


JATT STARR:  Who the hell is that?


::::Jatt Starr points over to the man in the wheelchair.  Mario walks over to the man and looks incredulously at the Hero of Jattlanta.:::


MARIO:  You’ve been playing too many video games!  Don’t you recognize him?  It’s Lee Best!


::::Jatt Starr looks at the elderly gentleman who is wearing a ratty old sports jacket over a dirty San Francisco Giants t-shirt, frayed up jeans with a multitude of stains on it, and one sneaker and one tasselled loafer.  The elderly gentleman is also wearing very dark sunglasses.::::


JATT STARR:  How stupid do you think I am?  That’s not Lee Best.


MARIO:  What are you talking about?  He’s old, bald, and blind!  It’s definitely, Lee!


JATT STARR:  He also smells like urine.


MARIO:  That must be his new cologne, I bet it’s called “Bottomline”.


JATT STARR:  So, you’re all out here to make me look like an idiot?  Is that it?  Is this some kind of huge practical joke?


JULIA:  No, of course not.


SEKTOR:  I told you, Mario.  


MARIO:  It looks just like him!  He was in front of the hotel and everything….


SEKTOR:  Get him out of here.


SOLEX:  It’s not Lee, Mario.


:::Mario, shocked, turns to the elderly gentleman in the wheelchair, deeply wounded by the dagger known as deception.:::


MARIO:  You lied to me!


OLD MAN:  That young man looks just like “Apple Sauce”.   


::::Mario wheels the stinky old man towards the door, much to his dismay.  He looks back at Jatt Starr, who’s just rubbing his hands together as if he doesn’t know what to do with them while staring towards the master bedroom.  The elderly man continues speaking in a gravelly voice, sounding like Nick Nolte after two packs of Marlboro reds.::::


OLD MAN:  Back in ’Nam, we were stationed together.  We called him “Apple Sauce” because he had these fake teeth, so alls he could eat was…


MARIO:  Apple Sauce?


OLD MAN:  No!  Baby food!  Keep up, ya jerk!  


MARIO:  I think they’re wrong.  You’re so Lee….


OLD MAN:  Where was I?  Ah, one day, I think it was a Thursday, “Apple Sauce” and me, we were talking to “Johnson”, he was nicknamed that because he had a huge….


::::Mario opens the door to the hallway and exits with the old man and the door closes behind them.:::


SEKTOR:  He was convinced it was Lee.  No one expected that shit.


::::Julia returns her comforting smile to the Champion of Jattanooga, who in turns looks at her and forces a half-hearted smile of his own.::::


JULIA:  Jatt?




JULIA:  As I was saying…


JATT STARR:  Yeah, yeah….love, respect, blah, blah, blah.  Go on.  


JULIA:  We’re all concerned for you.


JATT STARR:  What?  There’s no need to be concerned.  I’m the Dragonborn!  I once beat a snow wolf AND a mudcrab to death with my bare hands!   Conor Fuse is who you should be concerned about.  And Cosnach.  Poor, drunken bastard.  Is that what this is?  If you guys don’t want me to sacrifice Cosnach, fine!  Benor is just as useless. 


JULIA:  No.  Listen to me, Jatt.   We’re all worried because you have an addiction.


JATT STARR:  I haven’t had a drink in days!


JULIA:  A video game addiction, Jatt.


::::The Jattivian Prince of Polka crosses his arms against his chest and leans back in the chair.::::


JATT STARR:  What?  A video game addiction?  Me?!  Preposterous.  


JULIA:  Video game addiction is a rare but serious affliction.


JATT STARR:  You know who’s addicted to video games?  Conor Fuse!  You should talk to him!


JULIA:  You’re projecting.


JATT STARR:  Screw this!  I have Boethiah to appease, I have to locate the Dawnguard, I have dragons to kill, dragon souls to absorb, AND to top it all off, I want to bring Njada to new museum opening in Dawnstar for date night.


::::Jatt Starr motions to get up but the Switch puts his arm around the Starrabian Knight and forces him back down and sits next to him.::::


SEKTOR:  You’re not leaving.


SOLEX:  Orders from the man.


SEKTOR:  The real Lee Best, not the toothless shit pile Mario brought in here.


JATT STARR:  So, now Mister Magoo is dictating how I spend my free time?   That’s bollocks!


SOLEX:  Show a little respect, asshole!


::::Jatt Starr folds his arms across his chest again and huffs like a toddler about to throw a temper tantrum.::::


JULIA:  Can we all calm down?


::::Julia eyes the room and once satisfied, she turns her attention back to the Jattlantic City Idol.:::


JULIA:  Your gaming addiction has negatively impacted the relationships you have with everyone in this room.  I know how hard it can be.  I remember when I was playing World of Warcraft, I neglected my parents, my boyfriend left me, I was constantly late to work, late paying bills.  I know first hand the road you’re headed down.   We are not here to judge you.  We are here to help you.   All that we ask that you do is just listen.


::::Jatt Starr purses his lip and then sighs.  He provides a slight nod.  Better to humor these people than continue fighting.  Once this is over, he will go right back to playing Skyrim.  Even now, he feels his hands and fingers fidgeting, desperately needing to take hold of the smooth PS4 controller.:::::


JULIA:  Steven, would you like to go first?


::::Steve Solex sniffs and begins clearing his throat.  From the back pocket of his jeans, he pulls out a folded up piece of paper and a pencil.  He unfolds the piece of paper.::::


SOLEX:  Jatt.  I don’t know you.  But this is the silliest….Wait.


::::Solex proceeds to take his pencil and cross something out on his piece of paper and write something but the faint snapping of the pencil losing it’s point is heard.:::


SOLEX:  Cock licking twat!  


:::Solex frustratedly breaks the pencil with one hand, clutching it like a joystick and snapping it with his thumb.  He drops the pieces on the floor.:::


SOLEX:  Jatt.  I don’t know you.  We have barely spoken.  But this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever had to do.  I am fucking embarrassed for you.  To think I kicked terrorist ass just so a pussy like you can play video games and a badass like me has to show up to a shitty thing like this fucking sucks.


::::Solex starts to fold his paper but then brings up his finger.:::


SOLEX:  There’s one more thing here….”Go fuck yourself.”  Thank you.


JATT STARR:  What the hell is that???


JULIA:  I said no judging!  


SOLEX:  Fuck that.


JATT STARR:  You got some mouth on you, Solex!  You blow your father with that mouth?


SEKTOR:  OH!!!  What the fuck, Jatt!!!


SOLEX:  I will kick the shit out of you!  And then shove your face into that aforementioned shit!


JULIA:  GUYS, PLEASE!!!  John!  Share with Jatt how his gaming has impacted you.


::::Julia’s tone is admonishing, angry….and fearful.  Her cute, smiling face has turned dispassionate and serious.  Sektor looks at Solex who looks like he is ready to rage fuck Jatt Starr’s eye sockets after gouging out his eyes.  Sektor looks over at Jatt Starr who looks like he’d rather be anywhere else.  Sektor nods to Julia and approaches the Ruler of Jattlantis.::::


SEKTOR:  Jatt, you and me.  StarrSek Industries.  We’re a team.  And when one member of the team is training his ass off and the other one is sneaking away to play fucking video games, that’s dissention.  Don’t act like you don’t!  It’s fucking obvious!  We have earned a shot at the Tag Team Titles.  After I fucking murder Eric Dane and you kick that Conor Fuse fuck’s face in, we’re going to dominate the HOW.  You, me, the Best Alliance.  No one’s gonna fuck with us.  But I can’t win the HOW Tag Team Titles on my own.  You need to snap the fuck out of it and fucking focus.   Besides, I took the Switch to a bar a couple of nights ago, he’s a worse fucking wingman that you.  He just kept buying buffalo wings.  THAT’S NOT WHAT A WINGMAN DOES, YOU ASSHAT!


JULIA:  Hugo?


THE SWITCH:  I think—


JATT STARR:  Remember what I pay you for.


::::The Switch shuts his mouth and gets up from the couch and proceeds to stand in front of the bedroom door.::::


JULIA:  Perhaps we should wait for Mario?


SOLEX:  Fuck him.  


JULIA:  As you can see, there is a lot of….There’s some concern for you.  We want you to get help.  We will help you.


JATT STARR:  Maybe, I don’t want any help.  Why should Conor Fuse be the only one to walk through life oblivious to his surroundings?  Maybe his way is the right way!  Ever think of that?  He walks around going “Doop-Eee-Doop-Ee-Doooo!  Level One!  Level Three!  Come Game Boy, let’s find another boss and cheat sheet!”  And what happens?  He gets an ICON Title shot!   He doesn’t get stood up!  People don’t leave him!  He doesn’t watch videos….


::::The Jatton Rouge Icon begins to tear up a little bit.  He sniffs up some trickling snot trying to escape his nose.  Julia gives Jatt an empathetic look, as if she were genuinely trying to feel his pain.  Jatt Starr shakes off the emotion as Solex silently mutters, barely audibly…::::


SOLEX:  Pussy.


:::Sektor elbows Solex to silence him, Solex shrugs in response.::::


JATT STARR:   You know what? Whatever!  I’m fine.  I am content.  You know who doesn’t scoff or mock me?  Aela the Huntress.  Lydia.  Erik the Red.  None of my followers.  Except Marcurio, he can get douchey at times.  The point is, I am not addicted.  I’m just enjoying myself.


SEKTOR:  You need to get your fucking act together, buddy and man the fuck up.  Stop acting like such a fucking twat.


JATT STARR:  You’re no “fucking” better, Johnny!  I play video games.  You go out looking to bang any trashy, hot bimbo just to distract yourself from the fact that Max Kael is being more of a father to Chloe than you’ll ever be because you don’t have the balls to go up to Max and say “Listen here….




::::Jatt Starr feels a sharp pain to the left side of his head as it gets nailed by Sektor with a boot.  Sektor grabs Jatt Starr by the leg and pulls him off the couch.::::




::::Solex and Sektor begin kicking Jatt Starr in the back and stomach as Mario finally returns to the room and witnesses the carnage.  Sektor is kicking Jatt Starr’s upper back like it was a soccer ball, Solex is kicking Jatt Starr in the gut like he is kicking a game winning field goal.  Mario is sickened by this display, but orders are orders.::::




MARIO:  Oh man.  I didn’t get a turn?


::::As Sektor pulls Jatt Starr up by his hair and clocks him with a right hand to the face, Mario runs in and pulls Sektor and Solex off of Jatt Starr, who is slowly turning over onto his back.:::


MARIO:  What is wrong with you?


JULIA:  Thank you!


:::Julia runs over and crouches down, checking on Jatt Starr, whose eyes are beginning to glaze over like a donut.  He lets out a small chuckle and then a cough.  There is a morose and guilt ridden look in her eyes.::::


SEKTOR:  I know he didn’t mean it but he said that my—-


MARIO:  First of all, I’m not upset, but I spent three hours on my Jatt Starr video game experience and you didn’t wait for me.  Secondly, I called Lee, to make sure, for my sake, the guy I brought up here wasn’t him.  Turns out it wasn’t.  That’s on me.  He told me, as a reminder, that if it gets physical, no permanent damage.  Just tough love.


::::Julia looks up at Mario, Solex, and Sektor, who look through her at Jatt Starr.  She then looks pleadingly at The Switch who just pulls out his phone.  She begins shaking her head.:::


JULIA:  It’s not supposed to be this way….he needs help.


MARIO:  We are helping him.  Time to go.


:::Sektor and Solex go back to their onslaught on the Jattsylvanian Count  as Julia Cloud crawls away, grabs her purse and escapes out of the room.  The Switch, who had silently entered the master bedroom as Julia made her quick departure, has come out with Jatt Starr’s PS4 console.  He reluctantly hands it to Sektor who proceeds to throw it right onto the back of Jatt Starr before going back to kicking him.  Solex stomps on the gaming console, the sound of the plastic cracking is the last thing Jatt Starr hears before he passes out.


Time passes as it does.  In this case, twenty hours or so.  A clean shaven Jatt Starr is seen walking down the corridor of the hotel.  A short distance, mind you from his room to the next.  He is sporting a gray trenchcoat, sneakers, khakis, and a faded “Cobra Kai” t-shirt.  He is carrying an item in his hands.


It’s a large item.


His back, shoulders, arms, chest, and legs are incredibly sore from the beating he took a day ago.   It’s a struggle to hold the item, but he does.  The determination he has far outweighs any physical pain he is experiencing.  


He stops at the hotel room door.


He knocks.


He presses a button on the item and lifts it high over his head, wincing in pain as he does so.


No one answers….


He kicks the door.


Sektor, wearing a lime green tropical shirt, opens the door.


Jatt Starr is in the hallway, holding high above his head, a boom box which is playing, at a higher than it needs to be volume, “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” by Randy Newman.  Sektor cocks an eyebrow, his face reads amused and annoyed at the same time.::::


SEKTOR:  Well, what the shit is this?


::::The Earl of GlouStarr winces in agony as he brings down the boombox and turns it off.   He places it on the floor.:::


JATT STARR:  It’s from that movie with John Cusack and Frasier’s dad.


SEKTOR:  “Say Anything”.


JATT STARR:  Yes.  I will.  Look, I was out of line yesterday.  I’ve been pretty messed up lately.  I shouldn’t have told you that—-


SEKTOR:  Don’t mention it.


JATT STARR:  I know, but that that Chl—


SEKTOR:  Seriously, do NOT fucking mention it.


JATT STARR:  Got it.   I just wanted to apologize.  I haven’t been supporting you.  I have been selfish and I’m sorry.


SEKTOR:  It’s fine.  The video games?


::::The Thane of Dawn-Starr puts his hands in surrender.:::


JATT STARR:  I’m done with that.  Right now, I am focused on brutally knocking some sanity into that cumberground, Conor Fuse.


SEKTOR:  Fucking-A!


::::Sektor goes for a high five, an excited Jatt Starr goes to reciprocate but misses and ends up slapping Sektor’s shoulder.::::


JATT STARR:  Shoulder is a little tender…


SEKTOR:  Uh-huh.


JATT STARR:  Anyways, if you’re ready to train, I’m here. If you want to open up and talk about those things that you say you’re not ready to talk about it, I’m here.  If you need a wingman, you got it.  But that girl from yesterday, Julie….I think we had a moment….don’t you think?  Maybe something cosmic—


SEKTOR:  Not now.  


JATT STARR:  Right, right.  Today is not about that.   I should apologize to Mario next.


SEKTOR:  Tell me you’re not going to pull the same shit with him with the boombox.


JATT STARR:  Of course not!  I have a whole different song for him. 


SEKTOR:  And then Steve Solex after him, I take it?


JATT STARR:  Yeah, I dunno.  Steve’s kind of a dick.  


:::Sektor gives an understanding nod and Jatt Starr gives Sektor a big smile and friendly pat on the arm.::::


JATT STARR:  You need me, let know, Biff.  


::::Sektor gives the Sovereign of Starrgentina a thumbs up and a nod as Jatt Starr picks up his boombox with much effort and pain. The Marquis of MadagaStarr turns and begins walking down the hallway, boom box in hand, intent to make amends to his “Starrvivor: Maurako” partner as Sektor closes the door.  END SCENE.::::