Latest Roleplays
INT. SOME GUY’S HOUSE. A BEDROOM.
A nervous-looking BLAZE CLAYMORE sits in a stiff-looking chair that was likely pulled straight off of a school desk and salvaged. Meanwhile, a large MAN in a black beanie cap reaches up to affix a green tarp to one of his walls – covering up a series of wrestling posters affixed to the wall with putty so old there are grease marks seeping through the other side.
BLAZE CLAYMORE
Hey so… what did you say this show was again? I don’t have my agent
anymore and I’m not used to doing interviews like this in someone’s…
bedroom. Or really, interviews much at all. But you said this was a podcast?
How many listeners do you have? I’m trying to do some damage control you
see – after this whole hashtag thing started and well…
I explained all that over the phone.
The MAN doesn’t answer right away. He’s focused on getting the green screen set up for post production. BLAZE meanwhile shifts back and forth in his chair, looking aimlessly around. His eyes catch a half-made bed with dark blue sheets and a gray comforter. Sitting on top is a notepad with scribbles on it and a chewed-up pencil off to the side.
BLAZE CLAYMORE (under his breath)
Who the fuck uses actual pencils anymore?
Turning his attention back to the setup that’s in front of him, BLAZE looks at a trio of web cameras each sitting firmly on top of three computer monitors. All he can think of is HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
BLAZE CLAYMORE
Open the pod bay doors Hal.
I’m sorry. I can’t do that, Dave.
BLAZE laughs at his own bad joke as the hum of the computer greets him with silence. A screen saver frolics back and forth across each screen, some sort of logo in white and purple:
WRESTLEDRAMA INC.
MAN
Wait. What did you say?
BLAZE CLAYMORE
Nothing… just a… never mind.
The MAN finishes tacking the green screen up to his wall as he smiles, confidently, before walking back over to take a seat next to BLAZE in a much more comfortable-looking chair. He reaches over to the side and puts on a set of expensive-looking headphones. He jostles the mouse – bringing all three computer monitors to life as he smiles and looks over at BLAZE.
MAN
Thanks, Blaze, for making the time for me. I mean, I know I only have
a couple thousand followers but they’re loyal and they want to hear from
someone like you. I mean… well, shit. You’re a legend.
There is a bit of a pause before BLAZE smiles and nods.
BLAZE
Just let me know when you want me to put on the charm, you know…
get into character. Be the yell at you, cuss out my opponents, that sort of thing.
The MAN isn’t quite paying attention as he adjusts the levels on his soundboard and does an audio test by snapping his fingers against the windscreen of his microphone.
MAN
Oh? What? No… just… dude. This is all real deal shit. I mean not Real Deal
shit, of course. I know you were an actor before you were a wrestler. We’re
going to talk about that shit too.
The MAN turns and smiles at BLAZE.
MAN
Hey! There we go! We’re ready! You good dude?
BLAZE
I guess. Sure. Which of these… cameras am I looking at?
MAN
Don’t worry about it. Just… act natural. We’ll get it all in post. People don’t care how you look or where you’re looking. They just want to hear from you.
BLAZE takes a deep breath and nods, again, as the MAN leans into the microphone and just screams – catching BLAZE off guard.
MAN
HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY WRESTLING FANS IT’S YAH BOI HARDCORE HOOOOOOOOOOWWWIIIIIE
and guys, your idea from last week worked.
After some long hours on the socials I was able to get the attention of the ONE
the ONLY – Blaze Claymore. Go ahead and say hello to the WRESTLEDRAMA fans.
BLAZE waves – cautiously – at each of the three cameras.
HARDCORE HOWIE
This is an audio podcast as well, so just say “Hello” or something.
BLAZE
Hello or something.
HARDCORE HOWIE
HAH! Brilliant! Now, Blaze, as wrestling fans – most of us know you from what
you’ve been doing in SHOOT Project, but recently you and – of all people –
Jacob Mephisto teamed up as the “BAD GUYS” at High Octane Wrestling and somehow
took care of one of their premiere tag teams. It was a hell of a statement
and now you’ve got Brian Hollywood and Eli Dresden on the docket. Another
bit of an odd couple.
Do you really think you and Mephisto can run the tables and become
HOW Tag Team Champions?
BLAZE smiles confidently and looks for a microphone to grab but can’t find one. Quickly, Hardcore Howie slides his over to blaze who then reaches at it in dramatic fashion, pushing down his sunglasses as he confidently looks at one webcam – and then another – and then another.
BLAZE
First, let me say thank you, Howie, for having me on your show. I know
all the Hardcore How-maniacs. Is that what they’re called? Are probably
flabbergasted – flummoxed – FANboozled that I am here in the flesh. But to
answer your question, you’re damned right that Jacob and I are not just READY
to take on the next challenge of showcasing why SHOOT Project has some
of the best fighters in this business, but to quite literally BECOME the first
cross-promotional tag team champions in HOW or SHOOT history.
HOW? You ask? Exactly.
BLAZE leans back and crosses his arms in self satisfaction as HARDCORE HOWIE looks on in a state of slight confusion
BLAZE
But enough with the jokes; your audience wants a peek behind the curtain
so to speak, right? Well, I know how to react and adapt to a situation.
Improv is one of an actor’s best tools… and there is nothing I’ve needed to do
with more improv than team with Mephisto.
Sure, he’s a bit… weird. And he’s got these Millennials who follow him around and say spooky shit all the time, but at the end of the day he wants to win. He wants to put his skills to the test and see how they stack up against some of the best in the business. That’s what these tournaments are there for and I’m proud to be a part of it.
HARDCORE HOWIE throws finger-guns in Blazes face and he instinctively recoils.
HARDCORE HOWIE
And we’re PROUD that you’re PROUD, Blaze. It’s not often we get these kind
of insights. So tell me, and our listeners, what was the inspiration behind
naming yourselves the Bad Guys?
BLAZE
That’s a great question, Howie. Sometimes you’ve just got to go with what’s
simplest, right? Something catchy. Something you can brand and the BeeGees –
that’s Bad Guys – are exactly that. It’s clean, it tells you who we are, and
there’s not a lot more needed than that, right?
I mean I know Eli Dresden and Brian Hollywood are two established names in HOW,
and from what I understand don’t like each other very much… but that’s no excuse
for not coming up with a cool tag name if you’re going to be in a tournament like this!
Why… they could have been called the Dresden Dollywoods and used the theme
from “9 to 5” as their entrance music. Or. Or. Or…. how about Blood and Bone!
Or Double Trouble! Or… The World’s Greatest Tag Team!
HARDCORE HOWIE
That last one is already copyrighted, Blaze. But it’s not all about names –
right? You’ve gotta deliver in the ring and the Bad Guys did just that
against Jiles and Dean. What was training with Mephisto like?
BLAZE
Oh. Well… you ever seen that scene in Saw where Cary Elwes and Leigh Whannell
are in Jigaw’s basement and there’s a dead body on the ground and they’re both
tied up trying to figure out how they’re going to get out using a hacksaw?
HARDCORE HOWIE
Yeaaaaahhhh…..
BLAZE
That’s the kind of teamwork Mephisto and I have.
Lots of screaming. Lots of blood. Lots of sitting around a dingy, moldy room
plotting how we’re going to make our move and then needing to scrap it at
the last minute because one of us, not naming names, gets super claustrophobic
and cries about how they miss their family and tries to cut their own leg off.
It’s not orthodox by any means, but it helped us get our first win and as
I always say… don’t try to fix what ain’t broken.
HARDCORE HOWIE
Holy shit. The wrestling world is a lot more… HARDCORE than even I
was expecting. No wonder Mephisto has the reputation he does in SHOOT. But
do you think you’re ready for the team of Hollywood and Dresden?
BLAZE
See!? Shit, that’s a good team name.
HARDCORE HOWIE
And… as wrestlers?
BLAZE
Look, Howie… it takes a certain kind of guy to live in Los Angeles and want to
STAY in Los Angeles and an even MORE special kind of guy whose name is the
same as those big, beautiful white letters overlooking one of the richest cities
in all of North America. You either thrive in that space and convince yourself you’re bigger and badder than everyone else or you crumble under the weight of those expectations.
I know Mr. Hollywood, if I may be so bold, is a multi-time champion
here in HOW and my biggest claim to fame is winning “Master of the Matt” so
in a singles matchup he’d probably have my number… and if any singles out there
DO want my number, it’s 555-40-
HARDCORE HOWIE
AHEM.
BLAZE
Oops. Well… look. I wouldn’t likely stand a chance on my own – not with
where I am at now – but with Mephisto in my corner we’re a formidable challenge. Not just against Brian Hollywood, but against Eli Dresden as well.
Now… I know even less about Ms. Dresden, but she seems to be as serious as
they come – and not just serious about making a name for herself, but about
winning this whole damned thing – and if she’s anything like me she will not
be happy with the outcome of her last match. But… that’s the funny thing. I
didn’t used to care about wins and losses… jut picking up a paycheck. But now?
With this tournament and quite literally representing SHOOT at these shows?
It’s starting to get to me… starting to seep into my psyche and make me …
determined to at least show that SHOOT Project – no – that BLAZE CLAYMORE isn’t
a goddamn joke. No… Blaze Claymore is someone to be feared. Someone you don’t
dare want standing in the opposing corner when the bell rings.
HARDCORE HOWIE
Well, shit man, I don’t think you need to worry much about that. What’s it been like making the transition from cult movie actor to professional wrestler? For a lot of us we first saw you in the classic “Don’t Tell Mom the Au Pair is Morte” or the sequel, “The Au Parent Trap” and I’d be lying if I didn’t have two DVD copies I’m going to ask you to sign after this interview is over, but I do have to ask … why wrestling? Why SHOOT? Why HOW?
BLAZE actually sits back and reflects a bit on the question; trying not to look around the room for the copies of his movies somewhere on a nearby shelf.
BLAZE
You know, Howie… thank you for asking. You’re the FIRST person in all this time
who’s had the decent, the courtesy to not just dismiss me out of hand and show
interest in why I am even here in the first place!
HOWIE gestures for BLAZE to continue.
BLAZE
When I first came to SHOOT Project I’ll be honest that I didn’t know what I was
getting into, but it was a job… at first I thought all the action, the
back-and-forth was largely camera tricks, special effects, proper blocking but
when I got my ass handed to me in my second match I not only realized how much
work I was going to need to do to stand out – but I also realized that oddly
enough I was excited to do it.
I may have a lot of movie credits to my name, but … that’s not a legacy.
That’s not… something you can look back on with pride.
Sure… as an actor you may get lucky to perform in front of hundreds on stage,
or if you’re even luckier get a staring role in a movie that thousands or
hundreds of thousands of people see… but here? Here you get the best of
both worlds. You’re performing every week in front of thousands. You
have people CHANTING your name or screaming at you like you just murdered
their favorite pet.
THAT is power, Howie. THAT is what it means not just to be admired…
but to be RESPECTED. And you can’t tell me that – if given the chance – anyone
out there wouldn’t take the opportunity to get a little bit more respect and
acknowledgement for what they can offer the world.
BLAZE looks earnestly into the cameras as he closes his eyes and tries to calm himself down a little – eventually turning his frustration into a smile as he laughs wildly, clapping Howie’s back.
HARDCORE HOWIE
Heh. Well. hey hey hey… as long as we’re on the topic of what you’ve
offered the world recently I think it’s time we addressed the elephant in the
room. What are you making out of all of this attention you’re getting
because of the #Cuckmore hashtag?
Almost immediately BLAZE stops laughing and his face changes into something like a mix of anger and shock.
BLAZE
We’re… why would you…
HARDCORE HOWIE shrugs without much thought.
HARDCORE HOWIE
Look. I don’t like it either, but you are ALL the internet is talking about
right now and there is no way we can avoid just how memeworthy you’ve become.
I mean you’ve got Joe Rogan talking about you, there’s a Cuckmore challenge
now on TikTok, and you’ve got your own subreddit.
All we want to know is what has all that attention meant to you – someone who
was relatively obscure just a few months ago and now your name, well…
sort of – is trending? What is that like!?
BLAZE CLAYMORE quietly slides the microphone away from himself and back over to HOWIE as he pushes himself up from his awkward chair and turns away from the cameras – reaching for his jacket.
HARDCORE HOWIE
Oh come on! Are you really going to do this? We were on a roll, man!
BLAZE continues to collect his things.
BLAZE
We’re done.
HARDCORE HOWIE grumbles and reaches over to his computer to press pause on the recording before standing up himself and walking over to BLAZE. He tries to put a hand on BLAZE’S shoulder but just as he does, BLAZE reaches up and yanks his wrist backwards, twisting it awkwardly and bringing HARDCORE HOWIE to his knees.
BLAZE
You want to disrespect me, you motherfucking piece of shit? You think
I’m just some joke? Someone you can use to get a cheap laugh? Get some
likes and subscribes?
BLAZE takes the man’s arm and yanks it hard again, throwing it against the wall and then following it up with the heel of his boot causing HOWIE to scream.
HARDCORE HOWIE
Ow! FUCK! FUCK! You fucking lunatic!
BLAZE
Goooooood. Goooooood. That’s right. I’m a FUCKING lunatic. Fucking ape shit
psychopathic asshole. Tell that to all your dipshit fans – what happened when
you invited Blaze Claymore on your piss poor excuse for a radio program.
Web series. Talk show…. Whatever the fuck this is.
BLAZE releases HOWIE’S hand and firms up his jacket, pulling down on it as he shakes his head and runs his hand through his hair before spitting down towards Howie, a glob of spit landing at his feet.
HOWIE looks up in horror and disgust as BLAZE calmly walks over to the man’s bedroom door and opens it up, casting a glare back over his shoulder and shaking his head in disgust.
He slams the door behind him as he steps out into the hallway and then, once he is fully out of earshot of the door he lets out a deep breath he had been keeping in – sighing with relief and holding his hand to his chest, laughing softly – in disbelief of his own actions.
BLAZE
You’ve still got it, Blaze … you’ve still got it.
Let’s see how people like it when Blaze #Cuckmore fights back.
The SAG Award Winning* actor puts his hands in his pockets and steels his face as he sets his sights on making a quick exit from HARDCORE HOWIE’S home. Excited to get back to his own hotel and wait to give the show a listen.
FADE. BLACK.