Blaze Claymore in: “Jacob’s Lad n’ Heir” – A “Bad Guys” Joint

Blaze Claymore in: “Jacob’s Lad n’ Heir” – A “Bad Guys” Joint

Posted on January 28, 2022 at 10:19 pm by Blaze Claymore

EXT. DOWNTOWN PHILADELPHIA – DAY

A confused-looking man in a ponytail and sunglasses stands in front of a street vendor’s cart. He has a firm grip on a single piece of Samsonite luggage, and with his free hand is gesturing wildly at the menu.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
Do you get a lot of business here selling board games and food together?


The food vendor looks up at the menu and sees Blaze pointing to an entry written in chalk: “Scrapple: $5”

VENDOR
That’s SCRAPPLE. Not SCRABBLE. Here… see.

The vendor holds out a burnt-looking loaf of meat on a paper tray.

VENDOR
Everyone’s had a Cheesesteak or a Hoagie, but you can’t truly say you’ve been to Philadelphia until you’ve had some Scrapple.

Blaze turns his nose up at the sight.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
Do you have anything less… like prison food?

The vendor pulls his arm back and points at the menu. Blaze sighs and then reaches in to his pockets to pull out a $10 bill.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
Just give me the… Pepperoni Pizza. Two slices.

The vendor sighs and shakes his head, regretfully taking Blaze Claymore’s money and handing him two very generic, very greasy pieces of pizza. After Blaze exchanges money, demanding he get exact change back, the SAG Award Winning* actor leaves and tries to pull out his phone – balancing it with his hot pizza as he goes to check the address Jacob had given him.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
Why the way the hell out there? I’m going to fucking die before I have a chance to make it big, aren’t I? I just know it… Blaze Claymore and Sharon Tate.

Two icons, snatched away before their time by a shaggy-haired soothsayer controlling a “family” of monsters.


As he goes to place his phone back in his pocket, a steaming hot glob of red sauce drips from the pizza onto the connecting tissue between his thumb and index finger, causing him to scream in surprise, throwing his pizza into the air.

With a *plop* the two slices he paid $8.45, including tax, for land cheese-side down on the sidewalk. 

Blaze’s eye twitches in frustration. He pulls his phone back out and begins yelling into it.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
SIRI! SHOW ME PHONE NUMBERS FOR LAWYERS IN PHILADELPHIA
DEALING WITH FOOD-RELATED INJURIES.

PHONE
Okay. I found 134 entries for Philadelphia lawyers who specialize in medical malpractice related to breast reduction surgeries.

Blaze’s grunts in frustration.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
SIRI! CALL THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU.

PHONE
Okay. Calling the Johnny’s Sweaters and Gyros.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
WHAT!? WHY WOULD SOMEONE OWN SUCH A PLACE!?

VOICE
Hello! Johnny’s Sweaters and Gyros! Try one of our famous lamb
kabobs and walk out in the wool it came from!

BLAZE CLAYMORE
Okay well… that’s fair. I’ll need to stop by before I leave.

Blaze hangs up his phone and shoves it in his pocket, still upset about the pizza, but more focused on meeting up with his tag partner for the HOW Tag Team Invitational. He had never worked with Mephisto before … hell, he hadn’t worked with ANYONE before. But he knew this was a big opportunity. 

He pitched the idea to the boss as SHOOT: On Location, which was a bit of a movie-making joke that didn’t seem to go over well. So, it was a big surprise when he got the call to say he needed to be on a plane to Philadelphia so he could be SHOOT Project’s representative along with the one, the only Jacob Mephisto.

Still though… the guy gave him the heebie jeebies. Any time he saw him all he could think of was Charles Manson and Helter Skelter.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
SHIT! That should have been our tag name!

Blaze feels a vibrating sensation against his leg that he knew was one of two things. Sadly, it was just his phone. He reached down and grabbed a look to see a text message from Mephisto.

PHONE
Are you on your way? Where are you?

Blaze texts back.

PHONE
Yes. Please don’t kill anyone until I get there. Not that I want to kill someone. Just… don’t… get us arrested.

PHONE
Please just get here.

Blaze sighs and closes the phone. He knows he has a way to go by foot so he stops and tries to flag down a taxi. As he does, he speaks into his phone again.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
Siri. Tell me something about Philadelphia.

PHONE
Okay. Philadelphia is a 1993 movie starring Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington about a lawyer who sues his law firm for firing him because he has AIDS. Tom Hanks won his first Oscar for playing the role of Andrew Beckett. The film was…

Blaze lets the smooth, siren call of his iPhone wash over him with movie facts until he’s able to flag down a taxi and make his way to meet his tag partner.

 

INT. WAREHOUSE – AFTERNOON

 

Blaze Claymore stands in an empty warehouse without much light as two figures approach him. A young male and female looking particularly… Emo. The girl is mindlessly picking away at the dirt under her fingers with a sharp metal spike as she approaches and looks up at Blaze.

PATIENCE
Are you the partner? The complement to our father’s success?

DECIUS
Are you the one foretold? The one whose fire would burn the very dirt at our feet?

Blaze Claymore waves awkwardly.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
Blaze Claymore. Sorry… I didn’t mean to interrupt your reenactment of The Crow.
I’m looking for Jacob?

The two figures turn to look at each other and nod.

PATIENCE AND DECIUS
One moment. Let us fetch father.

As the young pair turn and walk away, hand-in-hand, Blaze lowers his sunglasses and lets out a shiver – shaking his head violently.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
Christ. What is it with my luck today? First I get handed a meatloaf called “Scrabble” and then Siri thinks I want to sue someone because my boobs got mangled. I just want to fight in a tag match! Not get dissected by Wednesday and Puglsey Addams!

There’s silence as Blaze is left alone in the empty warehouse – waiting for his partner to finally arrive in the flesh. After humming to himself a bit, Blaze just begins to fill the empty air by talking to himself instead.

 

BLAZE CLAYMORE
You’ve got this, Blaze. Remember that no matter what – this guy is on YOUR side. He has to be, contractually! Stop worrying about how his little creeper kids are going to play jump rope with your organs and worry instead about your opponents.

Cancer Jiles and Bobby Dean. 

I was able to do some research on the flight from Las Vegas and I think it’s very possible our opponents are mentally disturbed. One could possibly think that he’s dead, the other has tourettes, and they both have an unhealthy fascination with eggs. I mean sure, I love those little chicken periods as much as anyone – scrambled, over easy, boiled, fried, Benedict, there are SO MANY WAYS TO COOK EGGS GODDAMN.

But seriously… what’s the deal. Is Cancer Jiles dead or just is career? At least I know Bobby Dean’s alive, though I use that terminology loosely. I’m certainly no Hall of Famer, and I’ve lost more than I’ve won, but I’m still an understudy as much as I hate to admit it. But… if someone can go 15 minutes with Chadwick Kyle and barely squeeze out a victory I have to say I feel good about our chances.

Hell, I’ve been training under the LEGENDARY Smooth Walker and, yes, while I DID recently LOSE to Chadwick Kyle. It was because my shoelaces were untied and I tripped in the ring and got my little Blaze Claymores smashed. If I had the opportunity to get my rematch with him I would CERTAINLY fare better than Bobby Dean.

And with the demon known as Mephisto in my corner I at least know there’s a veteran who has my back – or at the very least someone who wants this victory as much as I do. Perhaps even more…

The SAG Award Winning* actor nods to himself at this last statement, as if trying to pump himself up.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
A matchup where Beetlejuice and Mr. Hollywoo! are going up against a literal dead man and someone who should be dead from embarrassment? HAH! We’ll crush the competition and make a name for SHOOT Project… and then I’ll be sure to get some more attention, more scouts, more talent agents wanting to work with me…

Blaze Claymore runs a hand through his hair and laughs.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
Yeah. Yeah! I don’t know what I’ve been so scared of…


A figure emerges from the shadows inside the warehouse.

MEPHISTO
Blaze?

Blaze screams a high-pitched wine only dogs can hear as he recoils and holds his arms up over his face.

BLAZE CLAYMORE
DON’T KILL ME! I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW ROMAN POLANSKI!

Jacob Mephisto emerges further from the shadows with his “children” at his side and crosses his arms in a mix of amusement and determination.

MEPHISTO
You’ve got a lot of potential, Blaze. But, you’re too worried about how people view you. Let me test a theory. How do you feel when you see everyone laughing at you? How do you feel when they trash your movie career, or make claims that you don’t even have one? How does it make you feel when they apply that to your budding wrestling career? Does it make you angry?


Blaze Claymore looks down as Mephisto cuts right to the heart of things.

BLAZE
Of course it makes me angry… I wouldn’t be here in this tournament if I didn’t want to prove that I’m not a joke. I may not be a veteran, but I’m not useless.

Mephisto nods, casting a glance at his “children” before stepping forward and getting into Blaze’s face.

MEPHISTO
Good. Let that fester. Let it build. And then unleash it in the ring.


Blaze doesn’t back down; he lowers his sunglasses and looks Mephisto in the eyes and then smiles.


BLAZE
Are you sure? You won’t like me when I’m angry…

Blaze seems very pleased with himself for the Hulk reference but Mephisto is unamused.

MEPHISTO
I don’t LIKE you now. Why would you being angry change that? Just make sure you’re ready for the match. I don’t like to lose and with only one win under your belt you need to prove to me you’re worth my time and energy.

My children here will see to it that you get a true training regimine ahead of our match. Not whatever it is you’ve been doing up to this point. If you’re going to fight WITH me you’re going to need to learn how to fight LIKE me.

With those words, Mephisto turns and begins to walk away. As he does, a furious Blaze Claymore looks to throw a haymaker at the back of Mephisto’s head. But before he can connect, Decius steps forward and blocks Blaze’s fist with his palm – staring intently at the SAG Award Winning actor.

As the sound of skin on skin echoes through the warehouse, an unphased Jacob Mephisto raises his voice, calling backwards to Blaze.

MEPHISTO
Oh my! Well… well… there may be some hope for you yet, Mr. Claymore.

Blaze Claymore stares through Decius – his eyes locked on the back of Mephisto’s head.


MEPHISTO
From one bad guy to another… let’s not waste this opportunity. Shall we?


A smile creeps over Blaze Claymore’s face as he pulls his fist back from Decius Montgomery’s hand and casts a look between him and his sister Patience. 


BLAZE

What the fuck are you two waiting for? Let’s get started.

 

Fade. To. Black.