Rumble at the Rock is in the books. Or should I say, the Scottywood Extravaganza has concluded! How the fuck do you get a Zamboni to Alcatraz? Better question, WHY would you bring a Zamboni to Alcatraz, when there isn’t any ice to clean anyway!? Why wouldn’t you use, I don’t know, a prison weapon instead?
I’ve seen a lot of prison movies and shows in my time. 60 Days In, Oz, Shot Caller, Papillion, Get Hard, Felon, Bronson, The Longest Yard, Bad Boys with Sean Penn. Etc. I’ve even seen some prison movies that turned into hardcore pornography!
I’ve seen shivs, socks with soda cans, razor blades on toothbrushes, but never in any of my research have I ever seen a Zamboni!
Anyway, Rumble at the Rock is done, and over. And you know what that means!?
Serious Bobby Dean goes back on the shelf! He goes right up there next to Skinny Bobby Dean, who is up there next to Six Time Academy Bobby Dean, eGG Bandit Bobby Dean, and last but not least, Flaky Bobby Dean. Sadly, serious Bobby Dean turned more into depressed, socially awkward, and very emo Bobby Dean. There’s a reason why I wanted to put him on the shelf a lot sooner!
You see, before Rumble at the Rock I was told “let’s try and keep this serious. After the Rock you can go back to all the dumb shit you want, but until then, don’t fuck this up.”
Did I fuck it up? Eh. I don’t think I fucked it up per say, I think I pulled a Bobby Dean, and didn’t quite live up to the expectations you had for me. Again.
I guess I can’t really complain. I mean, Doozy is in the hospital, the prognosis isn’t good. QT Reese has left to franchise Reesemart’s all across the country. Cancer is doing what Cancer does best, probably smoking weed, drinking Miller Lite, and bouncing on trampolines. Hollywood and Zion have run off to elope, I’m happy for both of them! Never have I seen a more adorable couple.
JJR is off to bigger and brighter things, with a shiny belt slung over his shoulder and a sinister scowl on his ugly face.
I guess that just leaves you and I, Stephen Solex.
Tell me Stephen, should I be off licking my wounds? Trying to think of some way I can bounce back from this loss? Maybe I can find some valuable life lesson on how I can become a better person?
Naaaaah! Remember serious Bobby is on the shelf. So if I’m not off, recovering from that horrifically painful match, where am I? Well, currently, I’m sitting in a strip club. Not for the boobies, but because I find that strip clubs usually offer the best all you can eat buffets around. Even better than those Chinese buffets that don’t yell at you after your 12th plate!
Plus, boobies, you know…
It’s time for Fat Fuck Bobby to come out and play! Well at least until Lee has had enough of me and just fires my ass once and for all…
*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*
My phone vibrates on the table top, causing me to pause in my eating. Reaching down I begin to scroll through a recent news post on howrestling.com.
“Gentleman’s agreement… Steve Solex and Bobby Dean… best of seven series… take place at ICONIC… Extended holiday break… loser of the series is fired…”
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Closing the article in a hurry, I pull up Google and begin fat fingering the screen. “tqo mrm a.d a tricl mpcers” Of course after I hit search the number one result is “Did you mean two men and a truck movers”
15 minutes later I’ve got a truck scheduled for the weekend of ICONIC. Looks like ole Bee Bee Dee is going to be spending the year 2022 back home at his mom’s house!
Stephen I sit here, stuffing my fat face, thinking, did Rumble at the Rock really happen? Am I still “locked” in my cell? Will Lazer come by with another cart full of delicious Yellow Dye #5s for me to snack on? Am I suffering from Deja Vu? I mean, the Ultimate Sin is facing Pride all over again? Please don’t tell me we’re carrying this Sin shit all the way to ICONIC now!?!?!?
Solex, facing you is like facing Doozer, or Jiles, or Zeb, or Max Shell (long may he maim in the afterlife), or Cardboard Dan even.
How am I supposed to say mean things about a guy I actually like? Shoot, had I been set to face Bobbinette Carey, or Clay Byrd, or Mike Best for the 50th time I don’t think I’d have much trouble coming up with venomous words. I can’t stand those fuckers. But you Stephen? You, I like.
You’re hard working.
You care about people.
You’re nice, even to the lowest bottom feeders like me.
You’re hard working, wait did I say that twice? I mean, you really are hard working! You don’t play on Discord when you’re working!
You are everything I am not.
Actually, the more I talk about how special you are, the more I begin to think, maybe I should despise you. You are everything I am not.
Bah, who am I kidding, Stephen it would be an honor to lose to man of your caliber…
I jerk awake, kicking the confining sheets off of my disgustingly sweaty body.
Scrambling to sit up as the dream slowly fades.
I couldn’t believe it. Lee was firing me. I don’t think I have ever seen him happier than in that single moment! I was being escorted out of the arena by Lazer and Tazer, and whatever other stupid American Gladiator named lackey you could think of.
As I walked down the aisle everyone from HOW, both past and present, was standing there lining each side of the hallway. They were pointing at me, laughing, mocking, sneering. Some were throwing confetti as I walked past. I believe I saw Darin Zion pop one of those party poppers, sending a cascade of shit down over my head, while Hollywood stood next to him blowing a festive blowout. You know, one of those kazoo looking mother fuckers that spits out a festive paper tongue.
Mario Maurako was standing there with his thumbs to his ears, waggling each of his fingers while blowing raspberries at me. Kostoff was over there laughing so uproariously that he fell over backward, holding his stomach with each guffaw!
I even saw Doozer and Jiles standing together with Zeb peeking out from around them. Each of them shaking their heads, their faces full of disappointment. At some point in my walk of shame, tears began to stream down my face.
As I got near the end of the line I saw Mike Best with a bat in hand going absolutely manic while destroying a “Beautiful” Bobby Dean shaped piñata! No candy fell forth, causing him to sneer, “Just as useless as the real Bobby Dean!”
The hallway would never end! Step after step after step. Now that I think of it, maybe that’s what caused me to jerk awake!? I don’t think I’ve ever walked THAT much ever! Be it in my sleep or while I was awake!
Oh man, what am I going to do?
Best of 7… Starts NOW!