I only got to do one HOFC promo this week and I’m still chomping at the bit to dunk on you stupid fucks, so I’m posting this as something called a “Character Development”. I don’t know what that means, but I’m told it belongs here.
Anyway, here’s Best Bets Jr. Edition:
Arthur Pleasant. Oh, I get it, because you are resoundingly unpleasant. What nuance. What subtlety. I too often have to tell people over and over again that I am a very bad man, because otherwise they would not know. I want to say more mean things about you, but I often zone out when you are on my television. Stay tuned. Maybe I’ll watch your next segment.
Bobby Dean is fat and probably unemployed. Next.
Brian Hollywood, you are a lizard person. Not because you are cold blooded, but because you feel most at home staring up at the hot lights. You are going to lose to Cecilworth Farthington. It is not going to be close. Redemption story these nuts. Get a full character replacement.
Cancer Jiles. Way to waste 288 words talking shit about your own teammate, just to turn around and simp to my commands anyway. No point in spitting on the king if you’re just going to kneel afterward, you fucking dummy. Are you still the World Champion? I guess I forget, since I used to defend the title weekly.
Cecilworth Farthington is a very cool guy.
Clay Byrd is a prospector with no prospects. I am glad to see someone made him take a bath this week, because he sure stunk the last time I was in a cage with him. You have a stupid hat and I assume it is covering a bald spot.
Conor Fuse, you are not good at trash talk. When someone drops a promo before you do, read it, you stupid fuck. You tried to predict what I was going to say, after I posted, and YOU STILL GOT IT WRONG. The number of times that I sadly said “Oh, nooooo” during your promo made it sound like I was reading an obituary. Which I kind of was. “Here Lies Conor Fuse, He Really Liked That EA Mike Joke.”
Dan Ryan is old and I have beaten him three times.
Darin Zion won a 3-1 handicap match and then ruined all his own momentum with one stupid fuck news post. No one is better at murdering Darin Zion than Darin Zion, change my mind. I bet you own a fucking segway, you incompetant manboy. Congrats though.
Gino Giordano is a very cool guy.
High Flyer still works here? I thought for sure you were dead by now. I usually only watch the main events though, so it makes sense that I didn’t realize you were still with us, figuratively and literally. CUTTO the next guy on the roster.
Jace Parker Davidsion got pinned by Darin Zion, but he’s mostly a very cool guy.
Jatt Starr is like an out of touch old guy from 2003 who then got into a time machine and ended up in 2021 and is an even more out of touch old guy now. Your face says you should be an unemployed gym teacher but your mouth says you should be an unemployed pro wrestler.
John Sektor will be a very cool guy when he gets out of jail for sexual assault.
Lester Moregrimes is really win win to face. If you beat him, you beat a wrestling legend and get so much heat. If you lose to him, you definitely don’t look like a chump losing to a conman. This is genius wrestling, folks. This is the holy grail. It literally doesn’t get better than this, and I see nothing but success for this guy in HOW.
Lindsay Troy gave me two of the hardest matches I’ve had this era back to back, and I gave her HPV. So, you know, I kind of won the rubber match by not wearing one.
Scottywood lost to Gino Giordano twice in ten years and that is now his entire legacy. He lost to him with dreadlocks. He lost to him bald. Mostly, Scottywood is known as the man who lost to Gino, and we should all really normalize that.
Ray McAvay has really been on fire lately, hard to criticize the guy. His segments are lit, so I hope he doesn’t burn out at War Games. These are jokes about him being set on fire on an episode of our television show, which is fine. This is fine.
Sean Stevens works here and I know that’s true because he is on the roster page. I know nothing else about him, so I assume he’s related to Scott Stevens, and thus is fucking terrible. If I’m wrong, someone let me know so that I can figure out a different reason he’s fucking terrible.
Steve Harrison seems to know every R word but “Relevant”. You lost to sentient lettuce in a match for the right to face me. You can’t even earn a shot at a guy begging for opponents cause no one wants to face him. You accomplishing anything at War Games would be a Miracle, Man.
Steve Solex is a HOW Hall of Famer and he should be proud of that. That’s about all he should be proud of, because if he wasn’t good at WordPress, he’d be tag teaming with Scott Stevens in whatever high school gyms they’ll let him within 500 feet of with that mustache.
Sutler Kael is a very cool guy.
Teddy Palmer, you might have HPV now. Sorry this is how you found out.
Xander Azula is a spooky cult boi with a losing to Mike Best fetish. Maybe next time you’ll lose to me in three rounds and we can keep counting down until you die. God I hope so.
Zeb Martin is a stupid redneck with a stupid hat and a stupid gimmick. I wanna fight Muriel Pudding. Make it fucking happen, and I’ll buy you all the Kmart jeans and dip you could ever want.
STOP HIDING FROM ME AND CHALLENGE ME FOR THE TITLE, YOU COWARDS.
God, I hate all of you so much.